The Down Range Forum
Member Section => Down Range Cafe => Topic started by: philw on June 18, 2009, 10:08:00 PM
-
this May ( will turn in to NSFW ) ;) and I can see me going to the corner for a few beers soon ;) but hay DILLIGAF
this is for all the good old sayings that your Grandfather would of had that are lost in time
I may have to translate to american a few of the ones i post hehe
-
Wouldn't pull a greasy stick out of a dogs arse
He's got a head like dropped pie
She's had more pricks than a pin cushion
Busier than ... a One legged man in an arse kicking competition
When busy your "Flat out like a lizard drinking"
She's not the best looking ... But she can suck start a Harley
That Bastard ... couldn't lie straight in bed....
I've seen better legs on a coffee table
I've seen better heads on a glass of beer.
Its that windy I seen a chook lay the same egg 3 times.
She went down faster than a $2 hooker.
To think out of a million sperm he was the winner...... or the strongest...
and one the old man told me once when I was in the shit ( again )
I'll kick your arse so hard your nose will bleed
-
Reading this made me happier than a puppy with two peters!
-
LOL very LOL ;D
-
Off like a brides nighty
Off like a 7 day-old jews foreskin
Off like a bucket of prawns in the sun
Off like a warm fish milkshake
-
I'll kick a puddle up your ass and walk it dry
I was so scared you couldn't have drove a needle up my ass with a sledge hammer
He's so crooked when he dies they'll have to screw him into the ground
"All stove up" referring to some one or something that got smashed up
One that people still use but have no idea what it means is "Bung hole" That's the fill hole of a barrel, the old wooden barrel had them on the side. Bartenders kept a club handy called a "bung starter" for knocking the plug (bung) out of the bung hole, or knocking the heads of rowdy patrons.
-
Hey, I've heard quite a few of these by the old timers in my family that are long gone now.....
Thanks for bringing them back to my memory.....Funny memories :D
-
Dip me in shit and roll me in bread crumbs
I'm going to shove my foot so far up your ass my laces are going to fly out your nose
Your so stupid you took a knife to a gun fight
-
One that a friend of my Mom's use to say was:
"Can't fell in a bucket of paint and said I'll try."
Another:
"Your head is so far up your butt you have to fart to see daylight"
-
When the Fecal material hits the oscilating ventalation device.
-
He's number than a pound of Hake.
Number than a pounded thumb.
He don't know sh!t from Shinola
(When you made a mistake and said "I thought...") You know what Thought thought don't ya? He thought rat sh!t was raisins until he ate some.
You'll put your eye out with that stick.
-
I'll stick my boot so far up yer arse yer breath will smell like kiwi.
If I want any sh!t outta you I'll rip yer head off and pour it out.
Feelin' froggy? Well I got FLZ tatooed on my chest, go ahead and jump, punk!
The best part of you ran down yer mothers' leg.
(Can ya tell I was a Drill Sergeant? ;D )
-
Ya can't run with the big dogs, when ya pee like a puppy. Baxter Black
Drier than a popcorn fart.
That boy's like a fart in a hot skillet.
You got another thing coming!!!
Boy you got a long row to hoe.
Bottom 4 from my grandpa ;D
-
fits like a finger in a arse!
put your thumb in your arse and your mind in neutral
Wouldn't Touch Her with a Forty Foot Barge Pole... or Your Dick.
So Friggin Ugly you have put two bags over her head in case one broke....
Beauty is only a light switch away
He's got a few roos loose in the top paddock.
A few wanks short of an orgasm.
Built like a brick shithouse.
Up at a sparrows fart.
I'm not pissing in your pocket mate!
Not enough brains to give 'imself a headache!
You must be the world's only living brain donor.
Got you by the short and curlies.
Busier than a one armed Sydney cab driver with the crabs.
Got a face like a bashed in shit can.
Wouldn't know if his arse was on fire.
You couldn't drive a fart out of your own arse!
Drilling for Vegemite.
He's having a Barry Crocker
f..k you and the horse you rode on!
Happy as a pig in shit.
I'll have your guts for garters mate!
It's as full as a prostitute on a Saturday night.
Give birth to a politician.
-
Busier than a fire eater with a paper asshole.
-
Busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest
Busier than a one-armed wallpaper hanger
If brains were dynamite he couldn't blow a pissant around a b-b.
If it cost a nickel to shit I couldn't afford to fart.
If brains were dynamite he couldn't blow his nose.
If bullshit was gold he'd be a millionaire.
I'm gonna kick your ass clear up between your shoulders.
I'm gonna kick you in the ass so hard you'll have to pull down your socks to pee.
How would you like to wear your ass for a hat?
I'm gonna beat you until you can't grow anymore.
Dumber than dog shit.
Uglier than homemade shit.
And my dad's favorite line................
..................."C'mere and pull my finger!" ;D
-
one from dear ol' ma;
slicker than greased goose shit!
and of course, oil field humor, ;) ;
busier than a three legged cat coverin' up shit!
humped up like a halloween kitty
-
Slicker 'en snot on a pump handle.
-
It's so cold, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
I'm too poor to pay attention.
More nervous than a whore in church.
She's so ugly, if you threw a can of Alpo (Dinky Dog, Phil) in the air, it would never hit the ground.
My wife prefers 68. She says, "You do me and I'll owe you one."
Finer than frog's hair.
I brought you into this world and I can take you out.
I'm too pooped to pop.
-
Slicker 'en snot on a pump handle.
Slicker 'en (Haz)cat shit on a linoleum floor. ;D
-
Shines like a diamond in a goats ass!
Got a hitch in my git along.
-
"He wouldn't make a good mole on a sailors ass!"
-
"Dumber than a bag of hammers!"
-
;D
"He wouldn't make a good mole on a sailors ass!"
;D
haven't heard that one in awhile! or
you're so worthless you wouldn't make a pimple on a good sailors ass!
-
Homely r than a mud fence.
-
"Ugly enough to make a freight train take a dirt road!"
-
"He reminded me of the west end of a horse walking east!"
-
Hotter than Mary's underwear on a Saturday Night.
Finer than frogs hair.
-
You're so ugly, when you were a kid your mom had to tie a pork chop around your neck just to get the dogs to play with you.
-
good enough to get the wrinkles out!
lower than whale shit
and my fav.... Volunteers deserve everything they get!
-
"NAVY = Never Again Volunteer Yourself!"
-
I'll stick my boot so far up yer arse yer breath will smell like kiwi.
If I want any sh!t outta you I'll rip yer head off and pour it out.
Feelin' froggy? Well I got FLZ tatooed on my chest, go ahead and jump, punk!
The best part of you ran down yer mothers' leg.
(Can ya tell I was a Drill Sergeant? ;D )
Haven't heard that one in 40 years when my gym teacher said it to one of the jerks in class.
-
Ground is so rocky you need dynamite to bury dogshit.
-
close enough for government work
GI proof
-
gotta go drop a (fill in blank, politician, coworker, media tool, you know..) off at the swimmin' pool.
-
I'm so hungery I could eat the arse end of a menstratiog skunk!!! Anybody gotta nose clamp?
-
Some good sayings from Texas, We like stompin stuff.
I'll stomp a hole clean through you.
Not enough sense to pour piss out of a boot with the directions on the side.
Who died and made you king?
A dog licking his butt for 2 hours, from " Long kiss goodnight " I submit to you Martha, what ever the dog is licking is either there to stay or, gone for good ".
You got no more sense than a day old " "
If " its and ans were pots and pans, We'd all have a merry Christmas.''
Spit in one hand, shit in the other and see which one fills up first.
Have you ever considered what you would do after leaving Government service?
Don't sweat the small shit. ;D
Can't never could.
Your full of more shit than a Christmas Turkey.
Normally, one would have to go to a Bowling alley to meet someone of your stature.
Here's a quarter, call someone who gives a shit.
Call 1 800 328 7448 - 1 800 eat shit. call it and have fun. Don't drink the coolaid.
I got more, but I am in pain and have taken the cure, night guys and gals.
-
I'll beat you half to death , revive you and beat you again
-
For human resources call 1-800-555-FOAD(F$ck off and die)
You are a useful as lead wieghts in my swim trunks
-
She's either a very ugly woman or a very pretty monster.
Never date a woman that can take you two out of three falls.
Nothing is as overrated as sex or underrated as a good piss.
-
Everyone wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to die.
-
When you're up to your ass in alligators, it's easy to forget that the initial task was to drain the swamp.
From my old job: "We've done so much, for so long, with so little, that we are now qualified to do anything with absolutely nothing".
Stop blowin' smoke up my ass.
Don't piss down my back and then tell me it's raining.
I'd rather drink turpentine and piss on a bonfire than do __________ .
Mad enough the eat nails and shit screws.
He's got more money than Carter's got Liver Pills.
Tighter than Dick's hatband.
Colder than a well-digger's ass in December.
Quit scratchin' yer watch and windin' yer ass. ? ? ?
If you were shootin' at shit, you wouldn't even get a whiff.
Mad as a hooker with a sore throat on Valentine's day.
Shakin' like a poodle tryin' to crap a peach seed.
-
If a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his ass when he jumps.
If the Queen had balls she'd be King.
He's just like a virgin donkey...........a tight ass.
He's so tight he pinches a nickel til the buffalo farts.
That boy is as sharp as a bowling ball.
You're so ugly you gotta sneak up on the toilet to piiss.
-
I'm gonna stomp a mudhole in your ass and walk it dry.
-
About as useful as an elevator in an outhouse.
Couldn't hit a bull in the ass with a hand full of rocks if you were holding its tail.
-
As useful as a glass hammer.
He's not incompetent, just in the wrong line of work.
Or, for Floridians
The He Coon walks just before the dawn. ;D 8)
FQ13 RIP Lawton, a good man, and a family friend
-
'bout as useful as a screen door on a submarine
-
Popular as a porcupine in a condom factory.
-
This is my rifle,
This is my gun,
One is,,,........Oh, you know,....... ;)
-
And one my GrandPa was fond of when scolding children:
"Boy, I'll beat you so fast the neighbors will think I'm pattin' for you to dance".
or....
"When I get done whippin' you, your ass won't hold corn shucks"
-
And one my GrandPa was fond of when scolding children:
"Boy, I'll beat you so fast the neighbors will think I'm pattin' for you to dance".
or....
"When I get done whippin' you, your ass won't hold corn shucks"
Ok. I'm about as Southern as they come, but I have zero idea what either of those two mean, beyond the fact that I don't want them directed at me. (Did I hear banjo's?) Against my better judgement, I will ask for a translation. Or, in keeping with the spirit of this thread, can you put it down where the dogs can lick it?
FQ13
-
As to the first one....it's pretty self explanatory.
Sans instruments, back in the day folks used to clap their hands or 'pat' their knees with their hands to keep time for dances. He was simply inplying that he would beat on us so loud and fast that the neighbors would think he was keeping time for a dance.
Hell, I'm southern and I don't know about the second one myself....but I've heard it from many folks.
-
How old are some of you guy's?
http://freepages.genealogy.rootsweb.ancestry.com/~poindexterfamily/OldWestSlang.html
From the Redneck Manual for Personal Enjoyment:
"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
"A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
"If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
"A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering doo-doo on a marble floor."
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"I'm just about as welcome at my inlaws as a hair in a biscuit."
-
About as appealing as a sack full of assholes.
And
About as useful as tits on a bullfrog.
-
One we use at my place of employment
The floggings will continue until moral improves!
-
Jack Palance to Billy Crystal:
"I can CRAP bigger than you, son."
-
Joe Piscapo as Sinatra...
"You don't scare me! I got chunks of tougher guys than you in my stool!"
-
Smells like a bouquet of assholes.
If the truth won't set you free, LIE!!
I can't stand rude behavior in a man, I won't tolerate it. Colonel Call.
If what you said was true, I'd agree with you.
Well let's all just stand up and kiss his ass.
If at first you don't succeed " try, try a gun "
Many from Theodore Roosevelt.
1) A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.
.
2) A man who is good enough to shed his blood for the country is good enough to be given a square deal afterwards.
3) A thorough knowledge of the Bible is worth more than a college education.
4) A vote is like a rifle; its usefulness depends upon the character of the user.
5) Absence and death are the same - only that in death there is no suffering.
6) Believe you can and you're halfway there.
7) Big jobs usually go to the men who prove their ability to outgrow small ones.
8) Character, in the long run, is the decisive factor in the life of an individual and of nations alike
9) Don't hit at all if it is honorably possible to avoid hitting; but never hit soft. ;D ;D
10) Every immigrant who comes here should be required within five years to learn English or leave the country. ;D >:( ;)
11) Great thoughts speak only to the thoughtful mind, but great actions speak to all mankind.
12) I care not what others think of what I do, but I care very much about what I think of what I do! That is character!
13) I don't pity any man who does hard work worth doing. I admire him. I pity the creature who does not work, at whichever end of the social scale he may regard himself as being.
14) If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
15) In a moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing. The worst thing you can do is nothing.
16) It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. ;D
17) Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far.
18) The government is us; we are the government, you and I. ;D ;D
19) MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE - " It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." AMEN
-
Amen, and Amen and again Brother, Amen. Why do we have to choose betwen BO and McCain? Where are men like this when we need them? No one wants to be the greatest generation, it just gets stuck in your lap. Well, here we sit, yet our leaders don't seem to get the gravity of the situation. It can be salvaged or it can go to hell. We need men and women who get this, and have Roosevelt's intellegence and grasp of history, not buffoons like Palin or Biden. Who is waiting in the wings? Boehner? Pelosi? Hardly!
I have no answers, but I will offer a song with absolutley zero sarcasm or irony, just a sad smile.
FQ13
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-ECRt0Z7IY
-
I too am looking for a new statesman, but one with substance, and back bone, a true leader. I cannot tell anyone who fits the bill.
-
I'm so happy I have to sit on my hands to keep from clapping.
-
Well slap my ass and call me Spanky
-
"You're so busy, you keep one thumb in your mouth & one in your ass, then switch the two every 10 minutes."
WARNING!!! Next comment is harsh! Avoid it if you are a pansy!
"If I wanted any shit from you, I would call your dad, have him scrape it off his dick, and then have him mail it to me."
-
Dang that was just nasty.
-
language alert!
If I wanted any of your lip I'd scrape it off my zipper
If I wanted your opinion I'd have pulled my dick out of your mouth!
-
You are as useful as a zipper on spandex tights.
Your so dumb its like eating soup with a fork.
Did your mama tell you that your as sharp as a wooden spoon.
-
Heard one from Bob Munden the other day that made me laugh:
You're as sharp as the wet edge of a graham cracker!
-
lol
-
;D ;D hehe that's the stuff there are some real good ones here ;)
-
Live life like a dog, If you can't eat it or hump it........piss on it and walk away.
Some people are like Slinkies, they're really good for nothing......but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
-
Some people are like Slinkies, they're really good for nothing......but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
Now that one is a classic for a reason.
FQ13
-
Now that one is a classic for a reason.
FQ13
Hey FQ, don't you just hate the fact that I live on the second floor but it's 1800 miles away and you can't reach ;D
-
Couldn't hit a bull in the ass with a bass fiddle.
Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn.
They didn't beat her with the ugly stick, they used the whole damn tree!!
She looks like her face caught on fire and somebody put it out with a chainsaw!!
-
Girl in the Bank this AM reminded me of this one ;D
She could eat a watermelon through a picket fence.
-
Girl at the post office this AM reminded me of THIS one. ;D
That dog don't hunt!!
-
I'm so happy I have to sit on my hands to keep from clapping.
Also one of my favorites.
Like being shickled titless.
-
He was as nervous as a long-tailed (Haz)cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
Happier than a pig in shit.
I'm hungry enough to eat the north end out of a southbound skunk.
Well slap me around and call me Susan.
I've gotta piss like a russian racehorse. (might've posted that one before.......I'm old and easily confused)
-
"Gun control is like trying to reduce Drunk Driving by making it tougher for sober people to own cars."
-
Blaming guns for crime is like blaming forks for fat.
-
He was as nervous as a long-tailed (Haz)cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
Happier than a pig in shit.
I'm hungry enough to eat the north end out of a southbound skunk.
Well slap me around and call me Susan.
I've gotta piss like a russian racehorse. (might've posted that one before.......I'm old and easily confused)
Stealing batteries again, eh?
-
Well shit fire and save the matches!
-
Now this is a great thread!
-
Well shit fire and save the matches!
One of my wife's old favorites.
-
You can have it fast, good, and cheap... pick two.
-
That boy's from Oklahoma, you can't tell him too much.
-
Longer than a month of Sundays.
-
Once in a blue moon
A "blue moon" is the second full moon in the same calendar month.
-
Your as useful as a blind man at bikini contest
-
Like wiping before you crap, it just don't make sense.
-
That boy is as useless as teats on a bull.
-
Just like taking a crap, its not done till the paperwork is finished.
-
tighter than a gnat's ass over a rain barrel
when there's frost on the pumpkin, it's time for dicky dunkin
-
I see said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw.
-
As useless as ticks on a dog's ass.
-
You dont shit where you eat.
-
I've been told by my granddad and father: "If you're going to be stupid, you better be tough."
Sadly, I'm pretty damn tough. ;)
-
If the women don't find you handsome they should at least find you handy. (Thanks to Red Green) ;D
-
I won't bother to give him the steam off my piss,
-
Your full of more shit than a Christmas Turkey.
I think now days its Tur-duck-en
-
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
Somebody hit her with the ugly stick.... and it had a nail in it!
-
He's so dumb, he couldn't get a job as a test-taster at a pie factory.
-
She's so dumb, she got fired from the M&Ms factory for throwing out all the Ws.
-
I wouldn't cross the road to piss on him if he was on fire.
That thing is harder than Chinese arithmetic.
Or, if you prefer, "That board is stiffer than a wedding d**k."
-
As organized as a Chinese fire drill.
-
dumber than ditch water
-
He's not the sharpest tool in the shed.
He's not the brightest bulb in the lamp.
He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
he's about 3 french fries short of a Happy Meal.
His cheese done slipped off his cracker.
He's about three bricks short of a full load.
His slinky is kinked.
-
So dumb he couldn't count his nuts and come up with the same number twice.
Don't know his ass from a hole in the ground.
-
So dumb he couldn't count his nuts and come up with the same number twice.
Don't know his ass from a hole in the ground.
She'd have to take off her shirt to count to 2. ;D
-
He's a couple of fries short of a happy meal.
-
I hope they bury him close to the fence, so I don't have to go in to piss on his grave.
-
That girl looks finer then a new set of snow tires!
-
Off quick like a prom dress
-
She's been picked up so many times, she's starting to grow handles.
-
Worthless Oxygen thief.
-
....shall not be infringed.
-
....shall not be infringed.
Hands down the best. We're done. Shut this thread down. ;D
-
....shall not be infringed.
It breaks my heart that to many this saying BELONGS in a "lost sayings" thread. :'(
-
Never knock on Death's door: ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!
-
"Hang it in your ass"
-
TO THE MOON ALICE ONE OF THESE DAYS BOOM TO THE MOON
-
"Hang it in your ass"
With Teresa around that is HARDLY a "lost" saying. ;D
-
"I feel like I been shit at and shot at, and hit both times"
"dumber than a box of rocks"
"dumber than a bag of hammers"
"nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rockin' chairs"
"if it can't be fixed with a hammer..it's an electrical problem"
"as fidgity as a whore in church"
"embarassing as a fart in church"
"don't be a turd in the punchbowl"
-
Use your head for something other than a hat rack.
Use you head fro something other than to keep your ears apart.
His brain is so small that when he shakes his head it sounds like a BB rattling inside a box car.
-
Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rapidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.
-
To many people think there shit dont stink, and there wrong they smell up the whole damn place if you know what i mean.
-
Wow. There some really good ones. Some I only heard from my dad.
One that struck me as very funny was the chicken in the wind laying the egg again and again. I can really picture that. ;D
-
Wow. There some really good ones. Some I only heard from my dad.
One that struck me as very funny was the chicken in the wind laying the egg again and again. I can really picture that. ;D
Yes, My Dad used that one and talked about when he was it kid it was "so windy one time they had to put a blanket over the horses ass to keep the wind from blowing the bit out of it's mouth."
And about Korea, he says "He was so scared you couldn't have drove a needle up his ass with a sledgehammer." ;D
-
My dad is a Ford guy all the way. He always used to give me shit when I would wash my El Camino........Why ya doing that?
"Can't polish a turd!"
Damn Old Fart!! :)
-
If it looks like shit and smells like shit maybe it is shit.
Dont trust a car salemen with a bus pass.
-
"It's better for you than a bare knuckle fight"
-
That sucks peanut butter!!!
-
He thinks he's hot shit on a gold platter, but he's really a cold turd on a paper plate.
He thinks his shit don't stink, but his farts give him away.
-
From my Grand Mother ;
Blacker than Zips ass
-
As popular as a turd in a punch bowl.
I'll hit you so hard you'll be picking your teeth out of your morning crap.
-
Dumb as a mud fence, and twice as ugly.....
My dad used to say that all the time.... Wonder why he doesn't anymore.
-
Your so lame you couldn't get laid by drunk prom date
-
Sweatin' like a rented mule.
I thought this thread had died........
-
Same shit, different toilet.
-
Mad enough to eat nails and sh*t screws.
Mad as a hooker with a sore throat on Saturday night. do I get the corner for that one?
-
Mad as a hooker with a sore throat on Saturday night. do I get the corner for that one?
as full as a hooker with a runny nose
i will see you in the corner for that one
-
Phil has to bring more Beer, The corner is running low. ;D
-
Phil has to bring more Beer, The corner is running low. ;D
Beer is proof that God loves us.
hope you like Coopers..... better have room in the fridge for a few slabs
-
Beer is proof that God loves us.
hope you like Coopers..... better have room in the fridge for a few slabs
Coopers?!? I thought Fosters was Australian for "beer". ;D
-
Coopers?!? I thought Fosters was Australian for "beer". ;D
Isn't Foster's Australian for kangaroo piss?
-
Coopers?!? I thought Fosters was Australian for "beer". ;D
why do you think we export it :P