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Member Section => Down Range Cafe => Topic started by: TAB on January 12, 2008, 11:40:54 AM

Title: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on January 12, 2008, 11:40:54 AM
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette Convertible out of the
dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought,"What am I
doing? I'm too old for this!" and he pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his
watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can
give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused and said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a
Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"You have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on January 12, 2008, 12:19:26 PM
Conversation with Jesus . . .

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a vodka and cranberry along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day.

I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"


And he replied: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."

I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."

Jesus gazed in my direction and said: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".

I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it.
"Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"

Jesus replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to talk with you some more, Senor', but right now, I must finish cutting your lawn."



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 12, 2008, 09:56:28 PM
Gunslinger & the Old Prospector

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.
 He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes,
a young cocky gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,
"Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said,
"Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man' s feet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
 
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his
gun and turned around and staggered back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and
pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The
gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd
watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both
barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Have you ever kissed a mule square on his ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed real hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."



The lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old guys.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 15, 2008, 04:53:47 PM
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him
"Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex.

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license,
I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said,
 "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine
years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a
strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the
minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I
said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my
whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't
want to hear about my personal life and would not
marry us in his church. I told him everyone would
enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were
married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is
barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the
dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told
the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and
a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the
motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't
understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The
clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the
competition began, the dog ran away. Another
contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I
told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.
He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You
don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on
TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to
fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I
had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I
was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking
all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I
was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I
said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next
Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and
had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever
foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my
first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me,
"What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has
been my best friend all my life but now it has left me
for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely."

The doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand
that sex isn't a man's best friend.
So why don't you get yourself a dog."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 15, 2008, 05:08:11 PM
Had to put this one up here.. LOL

Dear Abby,


I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus.
My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my
sisters, who lives in Pflugerville, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and
selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters,
who are prostitutes in Dallas .
I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at  Huntsville
for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of
 sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who
lives in  Longview.  She is a part time "working girl".
All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancee and
look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be
totally open and honest with her. 
  Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hillary Clinton for President?

Signed,

"Worried About My Reputation"


 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on January 15, 2008, 09:55:29 PM
Marshall"ete,  We have got to party sometime, you've got it down. Great jokes and I do understand, the Texas joke. Makes me think twice about my good ones. Thanks....................
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on January 16, 2008, 12:37:47 AM
As seen here:  http://gunslingersjournal.blogspot.com/2008/01/faith.html         

Saw a billboard that said:

'Need help, call Jesus.'
1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity I did. A Mexican showed up with a tow truck
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on January 16, 2008, 05:20:09 PM
FUNNY BUT SUPPOSEDLY TRUE




This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.



FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?



GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.



FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible isn't it?



GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.



FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?



GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.



FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. >:(



GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? ;)



The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines! ;D



AMERICA , THE HOME OF THE FREE BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE!!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on January 16, 2008, 10:04:15 PM
A father walks into a market with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit, is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat, and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles, and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first, and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father, and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied, "Divorce Attorney."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 16, 2008, 10:16:08 PM
A father and his young son were standing in line at the grocery store, and in front of them was a rather large nurse, or as we call them around here "a woman of substance."

Suddenly her pager started to beep.

The son jumped and screamed "Look out dad ... she's backin up!!!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 16, 2008, 10:22:59 PM
Two older gentlemen were sitting at the kitchen table having some coffee and talking about the old days when Sven complained about his failing memory.

Ole said he was having problems, but his doctor gave him some pills that really helped.

Sven asked what they were so he could ask his doctor for some.

With that there was some stammering and then Ole said "Oh ... that flower ... you know ... with a long stem ... thorns ... a single bud ... usually red ... Oh ... um ..."

Sven blurted out Rose !!!

Yea ... Yea ... Hey Rose ... what's the name of those pills I'm taking?
Title: Rooster Running for Office
Post by: Dakotaranger on January 16, 2008, 11:57:04 PM
As taken from 1911auto.org: http://1911auto.org/forum/showthread.php?p=11201&posted=1#post11201

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on January 17, 2008, 07:18:20 AM
Lena and Ole joke from ND . . .

Ole is laying bed, dying. Almost at death's door. His friend Sven comes by to look in on his friend. Ole greeted him, and as they were talking, Ole said he must be hallucinating since he smelled lefse cooking. Sven said "No Ole, Lena's downstairs cooking up a batch." Ole said "I'd love to meet St. Peter at the Gates with lefse in my mouth.

So, painfully, Ole gets out of bed, with Sven's help, and hobbles slowly down the stairs, one step at a time, pausing for Ole to catch his breath, and rest. After many long minutes, Sven helps Ole off the last step and into the kitchen. There, Ole's eyes were greeted with his wife Lena scurrying about, and the sight of lefse everywhere and the kitchen a heaven of its own scents of lefse cooking.

Ole slowly realizes what he is seeing, and slowly, painfully reaches out his hand to take a piece of lefse, as a smile of anticipation crawls across his face. At that, Lena whirls, whacks him on the wrist with a wooden spoon, and sternly tells him:

"No, those are for the funeral!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on January 17, 2008, 08:46:28 AM
There's an older couple, the woman diagnosed with a disease that is incurable. The doctor has told her to stay in bed as much as possible, and NO SEX, because the exertion could kill her. Her husband has taken to sleeping on the couch so as not to disturb her and not to be tempted.

After two weeks the husband decides he can't take it anymore, and in the middle of the night he decides to creep upstairs and catch the wife while she's sleeping. Halfway up the stairs he meets his wife coming down the stairs.

" What are you doing?", she asks. He says, "I was coming upstairs to kill you- what are YOU doing?" She says, " I was coming downstairs to die".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 17, 2008, 09:15:14 AM
A Republican cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Hillary
Clinton is attending and trying gather more support for her nomination.
Once she discovers the cowboy is a Republican, she starts to belittle him by
talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As she was doing that, she kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing
around her head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them
"circle flies?"

She stopped talking and said, "Well yes, if that's what they're called. But
I've never heard of "circle flies."

"Well ma'am," the cowboy replies, "circle flies" hang around ranches.
They're called "circle flies" because they're almost always found circling
around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Hillary replies as she goes back to rambling. But, a moment later she
stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, ma'am," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for citizens of
New York to call their Senator a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," she responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool
them flies though."


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 17, 2008, 12:10:25 PM
Marshal'ette,  just passed your Texas joke on to a shooting buddy here in Ohio (he is originally from Texas) and also a political activist and he really enjoyed it!!!!!  I try to convert people to DRTV whenever possible.  There is a lot of neat stuff here that I have no idea how to include in e-mails and etc.  I'm not a computer nerd yet.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Grizzle_Bear on January 17, 2008, 12:29:00 PM
Old Sven, who was a fighter pilot in WWII, was giving a talk about his experiences at the Ladies Club.

"So dere I vas, at tree tousand feet, an' dis fokker, he vas right on my tail..." 

At this point, the Chair Lady of the Club interrupted and said, "I should probably inform all the ladies that a "fokker" was a type of German airplane." 

Old Sven replied, "Ya sure, dat's right, but dis fokker, he vas flyin' a Messerschmidt!"

Grizzle Bear

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Walter45Auto on January 17, 2008, 01:31:38 PM
Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower - Cooter, Pete and
K. C. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is
killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, 'Well, someone
should go and tell his wife.' KC says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that
sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Pete says, 'Where did you get that beer, KC?'

'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' KC replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you beer?'

'Well, not exactly', KC says. 'When she answered the door, I said to
her, 'You must be Cooter's widow'.'

She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'... And then I said
'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tumblebug on January 17, 2008, 05:48:56 PM
Girlfrend looks up at the bedroom ceiling and says your done already? Hooker looks up and says arent you done yet wife looks up and says I think we need to paint. LIFE GOTTO LOVE IT.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on January 17, 2008, 11:59:09 PM
Lena and Ole joke from ND . . .

Ole is laying bed, dying. Almost at death's door. His friend Sven comes by to look in on his friend. Ole greeted him, and as they were talking, Ole said he must be hallucinating since he smelled lefse cooking. Sven said "No Ole, Lena's downstairs cooking up a batch." Ole said "I'd love to meet St. Peter at the Gates with lefse in my mouth.

So, painfully, Ole gets out of bed, with Sven's help, and hobbles slowly down the stairs, one step at a time, pausing for Ole to catch his breath, and rest. After many long minutes, Sven helps Ole off the last step and into the kitchen. There, Ole's eyes were greeted with his wife Lena scurrying about, and the sight of lefse everywhere and the kitchen a heaven of its own scents of lefse cooking.

Ole slowly realizes what he is seeing, and slowly, painfully reaches out his hand to take a piece of lefse, as a smile of anticipation crawls across his face. At that, Lena whirls, whacks him on the wrist with a wooden spoon, and sternly tells him:

"No, those are for the funeral!"
I think I was at that funeral. 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 18, 2008, 01:40:06 AM
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."


A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."


 
One more. ..!  ;)
 
  A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool..
 After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"Nope," he replied, "Arthritis."



Ok.. I'm done  ;D ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 18, 2008, 04:06:21 AM
Marshal'ette, I wonder where you hang out at Ma'am.
   Hillary is traveling down acountry road when an old cow walks out in front of her limo. Her Driver locks up the brakes ,swerves, really tries to miss the cow cuz he figures he'll catch he77 from her majesty if he disturbs her. It's no good though, he nails that cow square and kills it. Her excellancy just growls, "Here ,give the farmer $500 and lets get going", so the Driver walks toward the house and disappears.
   About 2 hours later The Driver comes staggering back, He's got a big old Havana cigar in one hand , a magnum of GOOD champiagn in the other, his clothes are all adrift and his grinning face is covered with lipstick smears.
  Hilly is kind of stunned, She demands, "WHAT happened to YOU and WHERE did all this STUFF come from ?"
 The Driver says, I got the Cigar from the Farmer, This champaign came from his wife and his 2 daughters gave me the wildest sex I've EVER had,
 Hilly is shocked , For $500? she asked. Well says the Driver, I went to the door and when they opened it I said I'm Hillory Clintons Driver and I just killed the old cow,  all this stuff happened before I could mention the money.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 18, 2008, 04:19:02 AM
Bill and Ted were a couple of old fellows who REALLY loved baseball, They'd meet every tuesday at the park and spend ALL afternoon talking baseball. Often they would end up discussing wether there was baseball in heaven. In the course of one of these talks they made a deal, who ever died first would look things over and come back to let the other know if there was or was not baseball in heaven. These meetings went on for years . Then one tuesday Bill didn't showup, The next tuesday Ted checked the park, No Bill. The 3rd Tuesday Ted checked and THERE sat Bill, looking a little younger and some what more spry than usual. Ted walked over to his Freind saying Bill, I know you'r dead cuz your looking to much better, So give me the news ! Bill says I've got some good news and bad news , The good news is YES Ted there is baseball in heaven, The bad news is you're pitching Thursday.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: leatherman92 on January 18, 2008, 07:59:27 AM
there all Very funny ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 18, 2008, 08:10:05 AM
Ole has been sick for days and is slowly getting worse.  He finally reaches the point that he can't get out of bed on his own any more, and he agrees to let Lena call the doctor.

The doctor comes over and examines Ole then leaves the room and visits with Lena for a while.

Upon returning to the room he explains to Ole that there is nothing he can do, and it is only a matter of time.

Ole begs and pleads for anything to help.  He assures the doctor that he will try anything no matter how experimental or extreme.

After listening to Ole for quite some time the doctor says "Well there is one thing ..."

Ole says "Anything ... I'll try anything!"

"Mud baths ... take three mud baths a day."

Ole's eyes brighten and he says he'll do it.  "Will they really help?"

Doctor looks at him and says "Don't know ... but it will help you get used to the dirt."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 18, 2008, 11:12:21 AM
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

        "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

        Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences."

        The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

        "But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

        "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajama's?.

"Well," he replied, "today is the viewing."
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/112.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on January 18, 2008, 11:30:16 AM
Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and John
Edwards  were flying to a convention.

Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a
$1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100
bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills
out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his
co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the
window and make 156 million people very happy."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 18, 2008, 03:53:32 PM
A woman, standing nude, looks at herself in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
 "I look horrible.  I feel fat and ugly. I need you to give me a compliment".
The husband looks at her a long time and says, "Well, your eyesight's damn near perfect".

He can't remember what happened after that...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 18, 2008, 06:08:53 PM
She shouldn't have asked!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on January 19, 2008, 08:56:51 AM
A woman, standing nude, looks at herself in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
 "I look horrible.  I feel fat and ugly. I need you to give me a compliment".
The husband looks at her a long time and says, "Well, your eyesight's damn near perfect".

He can't remember what happened after that...

Sounds like something I would say.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 19, 2008, 01:46:21 PM
This guy was lonely and he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an
unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, (100-legged bug,) which
came in a little white box that the centipede would use for his house.
 He took the box back home, found a good location for the
box, and  decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a
drink.

He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"
 But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
 "How about going down to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation He decided to ask
him one more time; this time putting his face up close against the centipede's
house and started shouting, "HEY, IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK'S
PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME?!"


***** A
little voice came out of the box -



"I heard you the first time!!!
I'm putting on my f.....ing shoes!"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Walter45Auto on January 19, 2008, 08:00:08 PM
Why did the hippie cross the road?????


Who Else would follow the chicken???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 20, 2008, 06:28:46 AM
Why did the chicken cross the road in Texas?





To prove to the armadillos  it could be done.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on January 20, 2008, 08:54:40 AM
Why did the chicken cross the road in Texas?





To prove to the armadillos  it could be done.
Opossum on the half-shell?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on January 20, 2008, 05:06:24 PM
 Have you ever heard that a dog 'knows' when
  an earthquake is about to hit?
                                   

Have you ever heard that a dog can 'sense'

when a tornado is stirring up, even

twenty miles away?

Do you remember hearing that,

before the December tsunami struck

Southeast Asia ,

dogs started running frantically

away from the seashore, at breakneck speed?

Do you know that dogs can detect cancer

and other serious illnesses

and danger of fire?

Somehow they always know when they can

'go for a ride' before you even ask and

how do those dogs and cats get home

from hundreds of miles away?

I'm a firm believer that animals - and

especially dogs - have keen insights

into the Truth.

And you can't tell me that dogs

can't sense a potentially terrible

disaster well in advance.

Simply said, a good ol' hound dog just

KNOWS when something isn't right..

when impending doom is upon us..

 





--

 (http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Fun%20Stuff/dog.jpg)







--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 21, 2008, 12:45:15 PM
Uncle Jay Explains~

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 21, 2008, 02:25:22 PM
Marshal'ette, I don't know where you find them but keep it up!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Walter45Auto on January 21, 2008, 05:12:25 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road in Texas?

To prove to the armadillos  it could be done.

LMAO!!! I LOVE IT!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 21, 2008, 09:35:11 PM
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.


Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam.   "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted..  "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.  It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region..

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.  Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience.  I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.   
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?"  They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on January 21, 2008, 10:43:31 PM
Three women go to the psychiatrist with there children.
The psychiatrist walks in and says "I can tell what your addictions are by the names of your children."
He turns to the first lady and says, "Your addicted to chocolate, thats why you named your child Candy."
Then he looks at the second lady and says, "You are an alcoholic, thats why you named your child Brandi."
At that point the third lady stands and grabs her boy by the hand and says, "Come on Dick were leaving, this guys a quack."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: BCurry1 on January 21, 2008, 11:54:49 PM
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?


(A buccaneer) ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 22, 2008, 10:26:29 AM
Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer
and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Grizzle_Bear on January 22, 2008, 10:38:43 AM
QUESTION:  Why do men fart more than women?

ANSWER: Because women don't keep their mouth's closed long enough to build up any pressure!



Grizzle Bear

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 22, 2008, 11:42:07 AM
Electile Dysfunction :
 The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: DesertRat66 on January 22, 2008, 12:55:48 PM
G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a Brothel."

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?" Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a Brothel smells like."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on January 22, 2008, 06:26:16 PM
This sign in a business window:




We would rather serve 1000 Al Qaeda than 1 American solder !!















It was in a funeral home window ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 22, 2008, 07:29:42 PM
(http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e330/m58/17049eb.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 22, 2008, 10:27:26 PM

GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING

DO NOT SWALLOW CHEWING-GUM!!


(http://www.downrange.tv/images/chewinggum.jpg)


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: scw78 on January 23, 2008, 12:47:51 AM
After 20 years as a gynecologist, the doctor decides to retire because he's bored wants to try something new.
He's always liked hot rods so he decides to go to school to become an auto mechanic.

When the time comes for his final exam, he completes the task and asks, "How did I do?"
The instructor says, "Fantastic, you scored 150%! 
The retired doctor replies, "150%, how did I do that?"

The instructor tells him:
 " I gave you 50% because you disassembled the engine perfectly"
"Then, I gave you 50% because you put it all back together exactly right, the engine ran, and you had no parts left over"
"And finally, I gave you an additional 50% because you did it all through the muffler!"  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 23, 2008, 04:20:24 AM
scw78  great joke LMAO
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 23, 2008, 04:11:52 PM
After a weekend trip home to Arkansas, Bill Clinton stepped from the helicopter and onto the White House lawn. He was carrying two Arkansas-bred hawgs, one under each arm.

At the bottom of the steps, a young Marine snapped to attention, saluted sharply and said, "Fine looking pigs, sir!"

Clinton turned and glared at the boy. "Son, don't You know I'm from Arkansas? These ain't pigs. They're hawgs."

The Marine shot back, "Marine begs the Commander-In-Chief's pardon, sir! Fine looking hawgs, sir!"

Clinton smiled with pride and the young man relaxed.

The President went on, "Thank you, son. You see this one here?" He lifted up the pig under his right arm. "I got this one for Chelsea." Then he nodded to the hawg on his left. "And this one here, I got for Hillary."

At that the Marine snapped back to attention and said, "Outstanding trade, sir!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: someguy on January 23, 2008, 07:12:21 PM
I'm really enjoying reading these jokes, but all the ones I can think of to post, well, probably shouldn't be posted here...   ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 23, 2008, 10:22:46 PM
On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 24, 2008, 10:24:37 AM
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he
decided to take a leak....

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of
wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is
that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin,
there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all
of the shot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive birdshot
(3-1/2" T shot) damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refe r
you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your
brother a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local
symphony and he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you
don't piss in your eye."

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 24, 2008, 03:00:11 PM
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/forum/image13.gif)

Ohhhh I needed that today...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 25, 2008, 01:10:27 AM
Hillary Clinton went to a primary school in New York City to talk about the world. After her talk, she had a "question and answer" period. One little boy raised his hand & the Senator asked him for his name. "Kenneth." And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have 3 questions:
1st - Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
2nd - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
3rd - Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rang for recess. Mrs. Clinton informed the children they would continue after recess. When they resumed Hillary said, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy put up his hand. Hillary pointed to him and asked him for his name.

"Larry."
And what is your question, Larry?"

" I have 5 questions:
1st - Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
2nd - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
3rd - Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
4th - Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
5th - What happened to Kenneth?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on January 25, 2008, 01:49:02 AM
Marshal'ette You just made my day:D Actually several of them since this thread started.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 25, 2008, 05:16:24 AM
So Sorry Marshal'ette!!!!!!  My post on New Member Intro came out wrong...I enjoy your jokes sooooooo much I want you to post more and more and more.  I don't know where you get them.  Again, a thousand pardons. Pretty please with sugar on it.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 25, 2008, 11:01:37 AM
One thing about me, ellis.. I very rarely take anything right on the chin.. and my sense of humor ( most times "warped of course) runs a deep and wide path..
You did not offend me in any way and I didn't take your post as anything but "giving me a little sh**"  Of which I can take .. because I dish it out so often..  ;D
  ((But I LOOOOVE to hear a man beg  ~~soooo feel free to continue on with the 'please please with sugar on it'  stuff.
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/wink.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 25, 2008, 11:32:39 AM
Ain't it so!, but them there South Carolina folks got it right!


The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated with high honors from the University of Tennessee,  and I need some help.
If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."


A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.
 That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an 10-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter, out of breath, replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"


A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75. The trooper asked, "Got any I. D. ?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?
"

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait.
 A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back.
He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "Ok...But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When ya break down they tell ya to put flares in the front and flares in the back.
 Hey, it don't make sense to me neither."


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 25, 2008, 11:55:09 AM
I have to post this one and then I'm hooked up to do real work for the next 6 hours.. ((Booooo Hiiisssss)

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while
visiting a primary school class, found themselves in
the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.

The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead
the discussion of the word 'tragedy'. So the
illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an
example of a 'tragedy'.


One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best
friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field
and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead,
that would be a tragedy.'

No,' says the Great Jesse Jackson, 'that would be an
accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus
carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing
everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'

I'm afraid not,' explains the exalted Reverend Al.
'That's what we would call a great loss. ' The room
goes silent. No other children volunteered.


Reverend Al searches the room. 'Isn't there someone
here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises
his hand. In a stern voice he says: 'If a plane
carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were
struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that
would be a tragedy.'

Fantastic!' exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, 'That's
right. And can you tell me why that would be a
tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny, 'because it sure as hell
wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be
an accident either.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: scw78 on January 25, 2008, 06:15:30 PM
Laughing out loud in front of my desk at work! I need a good excuse quick, before I get in trouble  :-[
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 25, 2008, 08:33:55 PM
Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips,
President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.

President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?"

The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.

The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.

The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president. The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you? The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.

 "Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.

 The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

He man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses. The last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 25, 2008, 08:41:03 PM
Investment tips for 2008~ For all of you with any money left, be aware of
the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and
make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2008.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace
Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will me rge
and become:

ZipAudiDoDa.

5 . FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers wi ll become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
Titty Titty Bang Bang
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 25, 2008, 11:56:38 PM
What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?

Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears,
but every once in awhile, you get lucky
and get some ass that will bring tears to your eyes.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: someguy on January 26, 2008, 12:13:05 AM
Ricky and Bobby, two rednecks/Auburn graduates, get up early to meet the dawn for the first day of deer season.  They've been friends forever, and haven't missed an opening day since they were old enough to shoot.

Every year, one of them would pick a stand, and the other would get the dogs and 'drive' the deer towards the other.  Last year Ricky got the stand, and a nice 12-point, so this year it was Bobby's turn.  Ricky dropped Bobby off at the stand, helped unload the gear, guessed he'd be back nearby with the dogs in around an hour, and left.

Bobby sits in the stand, dreaming of that huge buck he swears he's seen lately, and sips his coffee as first light breaks.  Soon enough, he hears leaves rustling.  As quietly and with as much economy of motion as possible, he glances around until - there, just through those trees...  That's it.  Scope covers off, bolt slides home, slight windage adjustment...  Just a bit more pressure...  BOOOM. 

It drops like a brick. 

Even though he's lost track of how many times he's done this before, he's so excited that he nearly falls as he climbs down the tree.  Finally, he's down.  The treeline where it must have fallen couldn't be more than 200 yards, and he's there in no time.  He looks around, but - no deer.  Out of the corner of his eye, he sees something move a bit, and - OH GOD, he thinks - it's Ricky!

What have I done?!?  Where are the dogs?!?  WTF?!?  C'mon, man; forget all that...  GET HELP NOW!  Fortunately, his cell has good coverage, and they're really not all that far outside of town, so the ambulance gets there pretty quick, although it seems like an eternity to Bobby.

'Sir, we need you to step back and let us work,' the first medic says as he and another kneel down and get to work.  The third, a driver, pulls Bobby aside to get more info on just how this happened.  Bobby hardly even hears himself answer, as he's lost in concern, and thinking of what's happened...

A few short minutes later, the first medic slowly walks back to Bobby.  'I'm sorry, sir.  He's gone.  There wasn't a thing in the world we could do.'

Bobby is devastated.  After a moment, he gathers himself enough to ask, 'Look, I know it doesn't really matter now, but...  Is there anything I could've done that would've made a difference?'

The medic thinks for a moment, trying to be sensitive to the situation, and finally replies...







'Well, it might've helped a bit if you hadn't field-dressed him.'

*rimshot*   ;D

Thanks; I'm here all weekend...  Don't forget to tip your servers...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 26, 2008, 10:53:55 AM
Here is more on the Moses line. I got this one from a friend who was in the Army with me as a reply to the earlier joke:

When I was stationed in Lebanon, an Israeli woman who had been an Israeli agent during the period leading up to the War of Independence explained that this story was factually incorrect. The REAL story (according to her) was that Moses got as close as possible to the Promised Land, before he was told that he could only look at it from atop the mountain. Joshua, he was advised, would actually lead the tribes into Canaan.

Having been relieved of his command, Moses finally felt able to hold a press conference. "Why," asked Helen Thomas, "do you suppose God had you lead the people to Canaan, the 'Promised Land,' knowing that, in all the Middle East, it was the only place with no appreciable reserves of oil?"

Moses thought about the question, and finally announced, "God has a speech impediment: He was trying to say 'Canada.'"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ugly on January 26, 2008, 12:19:53 PM
Marshal'ette Halloway, this one's for you.

A five -year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"

-

-

-

-

-

-

"Not yet." replied his mother.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on January 26, 2008, 01:35:53 PM
Three guys are out golfing ...

On the first tee Moses hits the ball toward a pond.  He quickly raises his hand in the air, and the water parts.  The ball safely rolls through the pond and back onto the fairway.

On the fourth tee Jesus hits the ball, and it lands on a lily pad in the middle of a water hazard.  He calmly takes a wedge, walks across the surface and pitches the ball on the green.

On the par five ninth the old duffer shanks the ball.  It hits a rock, bouncing up to a tree limb, falls on the cart shed roof, rolls into the gutter and out the down spout.  As the ball rolls across the grass (out of bounds) a frog snatches it up and hops back to number one, where it hops out onto a lily pad.  An alligator springs up and eats the frog, but not before the frog spits the ball out.  A bass leaps from the water and grabs the ball in mid air, where an eagle swoops down and grabs the bass from the pond.  As the eagle flies away, the bass spits the ball out, it bounces twice and into the cup on number nine for a perfect ace.

Moses turns to Jesus and says "I hate golfing with your Dad!"
Title: AA.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
Post by: Chick Brewster on January 26, 2008, 03:41:22 PM
AA.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide
it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I
brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can
under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage
first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out
the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check
left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to
my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to
keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've
been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water
the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water
and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide
to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the
flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
floor.

I set the remote back on the table, get some towels to wipe up the
spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

- The car isn't washed
- The bills aren't paid
- There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
- The flowers don't have enough water,
- There is still only 1 check in my check book,
- I can't find the remote,
- I can't find my glasses,
- And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for
it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 26, 2008, 05:13:43 PM
One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.
He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her stomach and then to the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side then the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped, and then returned to do the same thing to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping"?, she whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the remote."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on January 26, 2008, 11:12:45 PM
Small Town Tourist Attractions:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKO_yaLL7n0

This is from a Canadian show about a Saskatchawan small town.  If you've ever been in a small town city or churchboard meeting you'll die laughing
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 27, 2008, 02:30:59 AM
A filthy rich Florida man, named Mel, decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

 He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

 At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."

  The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
 Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

 Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

 "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

 The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

  "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

 The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

  Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool !
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on January 27, 2008, 04:14:57 AM

That's a you KNOW your a Redneck when story.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: SlickRob on January 27, 2008, 07:05:29 AM
With the current political climate you can understand I have been pretty depressed.

Last night, during a bleak moment, I called the suicide hotline.

I was transferred to an out-sourced call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal...

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.......... :-\
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 27, 2008, 09:54:38 AM
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

 "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm
a little upset because my daughter has red hair!
 She can't possibly be mine."

 "Nonsense," the doctor said.
"Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your
ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
 
"It just isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be! Our families on
both sides have had jet-black hair for generations."
 
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have
sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed.
 "I've been working very hard for the past year. We've only had sex once
or twice every few months."
 
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on January 27, 2008, 11:23:11 AM
Marshal'ette, you've missed your calling...You need to write for Leno or MB or somebody.  Fantastic jokes.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 27, 2008, 04:57:47 PM
Bob was excited about his new 338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That bear was my cousin.  I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.' After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative.So the black bear had his way with Bob.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Bob. That bear was my cousin and you've got two choices : Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.'  Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob.

Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered.Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.

He turned around to find giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 27, 2008, 08:34:02 PM
A bear walks into a bar  in Billings, Montana. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We  don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."   

The  bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a  beer.

The  bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve  beer to belligerent bears in bars in  Billings."

The  bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm  going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."   

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to  belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The  bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the  woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.   

The  bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.."   

The  bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The  bartender says, "You are now.
That was a  barbitchyouate."


(( I know... booo hisss. but I couldn't resist it)))  :P
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 28, 2008, 11:46:34 AM
*Did you know that eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the
eagle** waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.

After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her.
She had been  shot. Dead!*

Harry was devastated. After mourning he
decided that he must get himself another mate but since
there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to
cross the feather barrier.


So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely
dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was Okay, but all the dove would say is
"I am a DOVE, I want to love! I  am a DOVE, I want to love!"
Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the
nest and flew off once more to find a mate.

He found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest.
Again the sex was great but all the loon would say is, "I am a
LOON, I  want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!"

So out with the  loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time
he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck
back to the nest. Again the sex was great,but
all the duck would say was.....well, you know......


*No, the duck didn't say THAT!!!!! That's an awful thing to think !!!


The duck said, "I am a DRAKE you made a MISTAKE


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: eyegore42 on January 28, 2008, 04:12:22 PM
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers. "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for gonorhea. We can't tell which your husband is."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" asked Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 29, 2008, 12:22:53 AM
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/129.gif)
I love it!   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 29, 2008, 12:52:13 AM

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his hoohoo.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo.
3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring.


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 29, 2008, 11:01:07 AM
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a
truck and dies.
 
  His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
 
  "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems  there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,  you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you."
 
  "No problem, just let me in," says the man.
 
  "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do  is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you  can choose where
to spend eternity."
 
  "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
 
  "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
 
  And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes  down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself  in the middle of a
green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse  and standing in front of
it are all his friends and other politicians  who had worked with him.
 
  Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,  shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while  getting rich at
the expense of the people.
 
  They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar  and
champagne.
 
  Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who  has a
good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a  good time that
before he realizes it, it is time to go.
 
  Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator  rises...
  The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him.
 
  "Now it's time to visit heaven."
 
  So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time
and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
 
  "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity."
 
  The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
be better off in hell."
 
  So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,  down to
hell.
 Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage.
 
  He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and  putting
it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
 
  The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

  "I..I.. I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here  and
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and  caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now  there's just a wasteland
full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
  What happened?"
 
  The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning...... Today you voted."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on January 29, 2008, 11:15:46 PM

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.

Written in large black letters was the sentence:  "Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Spodeboy on January 30, 2008, 12:08:36 AM
Q:  What's the difference between a Harley-Davidson motorcycle and a vacuum?

A:  The location of the dirtbag.

A note to all you Harley riders: please don't hunt me down.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 30, 2008, 09:40:07 AM
               The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum,  a visitor asked the
Director, 'How do you determine whether or not a  patient should
be institutionalized.'

' Well,' said  the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer
a teaspoon, a teacup  and a bucket to the patient and ask him or
her to empty the  bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A
normal  person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the
spoon or the  teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person  would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?'

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO  MINE?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on January 30, 2008, 12:35:43 PM

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.



 

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

 

 
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

 

 
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked
vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go
by and nobody sees the old abbot.

 

 
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R !
We missed the R !
  We missed the R !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word was...

 

 
CELEBRATE!!!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: DesertRat66 on January 31, 2008, 02:41:30 PM
One evening, Mike went over to his friend, Terry's, house to play cards with some friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry's stunningly beautiful young wife.

Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across under the table, he saw that Terry's wife had her legs wide open ....and no panties on! He sat up and was both highly surprised and flushed ...so went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise, Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, 'So, Mike, did you like what you saw?' Mike said, "Yes, I sure did!"'

Terry's beautiful wife said in a sultry demuring purr, "...Well, you can get a lot more than just a look, but it will cost you $500." Mike thought about his financial situation and said, "Sure....okay!" She said, "Come on over here tomorrow at 2:30, because Terry will be at work, and you'll get your moneys worth."

Excitedly, Mike said, "...I'll see you then!!"

The next day Mike went over with the $500, they had wild sex all afternoon, he paid her, and then he left.

Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today?"

Thinking she had been caught, she said "....As a matter of fact, he did."

Terry said, "...Good, because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 until Noon, and he said he would come over and leave it with you."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on January 31, 2008, 10:10:49 PM
A redneck (WV) was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice
chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove that's well-known for its
fishing
The game warden asked the man...
"Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"No, sir," replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there
licenses, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"
"Yeah, every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let
'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back
into these here ice chests and I take 'em back home."

"That's a bunch of crap! Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's
the truth, Mr.Government Man, I'll show ya. It really works."
"OK," said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After
several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"
"Well, what?," says the redneck.
The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden.
"What fish?" replied the redneck.

Moral of this story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers,
but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Crescendo on February 02, 2008, 02:18:52 PM
One from a retiree -

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went
into a shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So my wife called him a s---head.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with thefirst.

Then he started writing a third ticket...

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on February 02, 2008, 03:57:30 PM
Hillary Clinton, the lead Presidential Democratic Party candidate is for banning all guns in America. She is considered by  those who  have dealt with her as a little more than just a little  self-righteous.

At a recent rural elementary school  meeting in north Florida she asked the kids  audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, she started to slowly clap  her hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence,  she said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in  America dies from gun violence.' 

A young voice with a proud southern  accent (probably little Johnny) from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet!  'Well, stop clapping, ya stupid bitch! 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: idpasteve on February 03, 2008, 10:30:28 PM
ok, I'll play....

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on February 03, 2008, 11:51:24 PM
----- Subject:  The Front or Back of A Tree?

For those who are not from Michigan or Wisconsin a Yooper is one who lives in Michigans upper pennisula.
 

A YOOPER DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS CANADA TO SEE THE PACIFIC OCEAN WHEN HE GETS TO NANAIMO , HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY.

 

BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!

 

HE WALKS INTO THE MACMILLIAN-BLOEDEL OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOGGER.  IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!!  THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE.

 

BUT FIRST, THE BUSH FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE BUSH IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

 

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE. "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?  I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS. THE YOOPER PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "DATS DERE'S A SITKA SPRUCE, EH?  AND SHE GOT 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."

 

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD.  HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION.

 

THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.

 

"VOY KAUHEA!!  DAT'S YER DOUGLAS FIR AND SHE GOT 690 BOARD FEET." SAYS THE YOOPER.

 

NOW THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED. THE YOOPER HAS ANSWERED QUICKLY AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!   ONE MORE TEST.

 

THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"

 

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE YOOPER SAYS,  "A YELLER CEDAR,
242 BOARD FEET AT MOS'."

 

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE PISSED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE YOOPER IS SMARTER THAN HE.

 

AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS THE YOOPER TO STEP OUTSIDE.  HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT  TREE OVER THERE?

 

I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!

 

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT!!  HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?

 

WHEN THE YOOPER REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND.  HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.

 

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "DAT'S DA FRONT A' DAT TREE FER SURE." THE YOOPER STATES.

 

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

 

THE YOOPER LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES,

 

"CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A SHIT BEHIND IT, EH?"

 

HE GOT THE JOB AND IS NOW THE FOREMAN!!!!!

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on February 09, 2008, 11:37:16 AM

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
 
retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
retirement a
bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any
two
points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points
would be.
 
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top
of his
head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out
with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured
from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with
$96,000.
 
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who,
when
asked where he would like to be measured replied,  "From the tip of my
weenie to
my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to recon sider,
explaining
about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.
 
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him
providing the measurement was taken by a
medical officer.
 
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em,"
which he
did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the
Chief's
weenie and began to work back.
 
"Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicl es?"
 
The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 09, 2008, 01:23:11 PM
                             Hillery's first night as president:
Hillary Clinton is elected president, boots out Bill and goes to bed for her first night in the white house,
Suddenly, the ghost of George Washington appears, How can I best serve my country? Hilly asks,  Never tell a lie. George tells her.  Oh, I don't know about that, she says.
On the second night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears, How can I best serve my country ? Hillery asks. Listen to the people, Jefferson answers. Wow, I don't think I can do that she demurs.
On the third night the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appears, How can I best serve my country? Hillery asks.
Lincoln answers, "Go to the theater."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 11, 2008, 09:25:17 PM
Quick Check for Alzheimer's

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University .
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

 The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.



Read on:



Now go back.... and read the third word in each line from the top down.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 12, 2008, 02:50:26 AM
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.  The doctor
Comes in and says,

"Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.  Now, you probably won't
Remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway.  You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...something happened.  I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance
Compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact!  But
The thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this.

"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want.
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had
A five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine-incher, she might be
A bit put out.  But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to
Invest in a five-incher this time, she might be disappointed.  So it's
Important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.

"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"She has," says the man.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting a new kitchen. :'(


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 12, 2008, 03:05:00 AM
Been gone awhile.. so I have to start to catch up..
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/183.gif)

   While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man
      came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against
      the  tree.

       Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are
      you doing?'
     
     'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.
     
     'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'
     
     'No, would you like to give it a try?'
 
      Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...'
 So he wrapped  his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With
this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet,
     jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
 
     Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy
      handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened
     to you?'

 He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
 
     When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head
     in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear
     and said:
'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 12, 2008, 08:58:53 PM
Chelsea Clinton recently discussed current events with a U.S. soldier.
 
She asked if, as an American fighting man, anything scared him .   
 
He told her there were only three things he feared:

1) Osama

2) Obama

AND
 
3) Yo Mama 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 12, 2008, 09:08:29 PM
From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!  He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
Number 1 - He played the sax.
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.
 
Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he doesn't!  And, he gets a check from the government every month.
 
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup" in honor of one of the nations most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton.
The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied,
"I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth
as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I
think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as "the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes."




((Sorry~~  :-\ ~~I TOLD you guys I needed to catch up))   ;D
M'ette
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: SlickRob on February 12, 2008, 11:01:07 PM
After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love.

Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you?"

Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 13, 2008, 12:37:50 AM
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin .

 She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give tha' ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked
"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and slurring said, "Give tha' ballerina a 'nother drink!"

 The bartender approached the drunk and said "Tell me, Murphy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has jus' got to be a ballerina!"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on February 13, 2008, 06:33:34 AM
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has jus' got to be a ballerina!"

M'ette, I think I speak for all of us when I say "Welcome Back!"

We missed you, darlin'.

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on February 13, 2008, 01:30:45 PM
Three men where standing next to there long time friends casket, he was a well respected man around town.
The first one said, "I hope everyone one remembers all my contributions to the community when I'm laying there."
The second one Say's, "I hope everyone remember all my years of service to the country when I'm laying there."
The third one Say's, "I hope they see my hand move and get me out of that box!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 13, 2008, 06:04:42 PM
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says
he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
 
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
 
"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."
 
 So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's
looking for a male or female horse.
 
"A female horth."
 
So he shows him a prized filly.
 
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
 
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the
horse's eyes the once over.
 
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
 
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him
the horse's ears.
 
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
 
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this
point, but he picks  him up again and shows him the
horse's mouth.
 
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
 
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs
him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far
as he can up the horse's rear end..... pulls him out and
slams him on the ground.
 
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I thould rephrase that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: someguy on February 13, 2008, 10:46:17 PM
 ;D

Okay, well; after that last one...

How do you get a nun pregnant?













...You f*&! her.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 13, 2008, 10:48:33 PM
A heart surgeons funeral:
One of the cities top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge replica heart made of red roses.
When the Pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their good byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.
Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.
Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, Why are you laughing mister ?
I was just thinking of my own funeral the man replied,
I'm a Gynecologist.
Title: Remember, these people vote
Post by: jerry on February 14, 2008, 07:45:27 PM
I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid lady...why else would I buy dog food??
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on February 15, 2008, 01:07:13 PM

 
Need a good laugh for my Irish friends and friends with Irish friends????????Here it is!!!!!!!!!

An Irishman goes to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I had relations with Nookie Green twice last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another Irishman enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had relations with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."


At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon,

A tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous redhead woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short , with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes.............................."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 15, 2008, 07:16:31 PM
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/129.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Marshal Halloway on February 16, 2008, 01:00:36 AM
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.  Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the hell  is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
 

**Notice I didn't put Marshal'ette and Marshal in the "husband and wife slot?"**
(((((But I could have.))))
   ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on February 16, 2008, 03:01:11 AM
You're a brave man, saying something like that with a wife that can shoot...well it was nice having you on this board.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on February 16, 2008, 07:03:22 AM
You're a brave man, saying something like that with a wife that can shoot...well it was nice having you on this board.

True, but notice Marshal never said which as which . . .

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 16, 2008, 11:49:00 AM
True, but notice Marshal never said which as which . . .

 ;D


Plausible deniability   :D
Title: The Doctor said . . . .
Post by: Crescendo on February 16, 2008, 05:17:28 PM
When our lawn mower wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first; the truck, the car, playing golf -- always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I'll always have a limp.



Moral to this story:


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 17, 2008, 06:56:36 AM
Hey,  I get the last words in every argument at our house....."YES DEAR!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 17, 2008, 12:08:07 PM
I always read this thread last, it counters the irritation that builds when I'm reading the Political threads
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Crescendo on February 17, 2008, 01:24:45 PM
I always read this thread last, it counters the irritation that builds when I'm reading the Political threads

Amen to that!  ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 19, 2008, 01:29:07 AM
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as
 her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next
 hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
 around in agony.

  The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to
 apologize, " Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and
I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

 "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he
finally allowed her to help.

 She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened
his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and
artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

 He replied, "It feels great .....but my thumb still hurts like hell.



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on February 19, 2008, 11:08:33 AM
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

 

Titanic:.... cost - $29.99
Clinton:.... cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:.... The story of Jack and Rose, their? forbidden? love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:...... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:.... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:...... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica....ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on February 19, 2008, 11:10:52 AM
The  #2 pencil...

The  value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil (this is too cute)!....You
don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Mary  Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School Usually she
slept  through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while  she was sleeping. 'Tell me
Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'   

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend  sitting
behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.   

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very  good' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun  asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Mary didn't  stir fro m her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue
and stuck Mary  Margaret in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and  the Nun once again said,'Very
good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.   

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam  after she had
her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the  rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick  that damn thing
in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 20, 2008, 12:47:16 AM
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

 There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their ass is too fat............

10% of women think their ass is too skinny......

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 20, 2008, 01:47:24 AM
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and
said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you had best put your
affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we women
celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things do not go so
well. In this case, things are not well. I have cancer. Let's head to the
club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were
some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of
the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were
celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've
been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast and gave the woman
their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
"Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your
friends you were dying of AIDS."

The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father
after I'm gone."



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 20, 2008, 02:21:02 AM
THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILI CONTEST!

*Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town, it takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

 The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
 
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting... and I thought, "FREE BEER?!?? That sounds great..... so I accepted the position of being Judge #3".
 
Here are the scorecards from the event:
 
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
 
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
 
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. '

 
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
 
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
 
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
 
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

 
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
 
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
 
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
 
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
 I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

 
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
 
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
 
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
 
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT . . . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an Aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

 
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
 
 Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
 
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

 
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
 
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
 
 Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
 
Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted .. and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

 
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
 
 Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
 
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

 
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
 
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
 
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
 
Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot CHILI.
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 21, 2008, 03:48:24 PM
A woman goes into the hardware store to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the
counter.

An associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse
me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll just drop it on the counter, I
can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

 She doesn't really believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and
10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week
for only $20.00."

She says, "That is just amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card
drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really
embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was
she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person
around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel  were on sale for $20.00?
 How did you get $34.50?"

He replies," Yes, Ma'am, you're right. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00
and the Catfish Bait's $3.50."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on February 22, 2008, 11:51:31 AM
Dammit Marshall'ette! Is this all you do? ;D  Good, keep up the good work ;)

P.S. The final answer on gun control....USE BOTH HANDS!

P.S. Again..Luv your new Avatar :-*
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: m25operator on February 22, 2008, 02:02:41 PM
A young new salesman starts at a MEGALADON MART, where they sell EVERYTHING, groceries, sporting goods, hardware, vehicles you name it. On his first day at noon, the store manager comes over to ask him how his first day is going. Pretty good He says, I just made my first sale and it was for 45 THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! The manager gasps and says that much on one sale, tell me about it!

Well first I sold this man a fishing pole, then I upsold a top of the line fishing reel, tackle box, lures and fishing vest. Then I said it's not much fun fishing without a boat, and took him to the boat center and sold him a 25ft fishing boat with an upgraded motor, trolling motor and depth finder. Out fitted him with some life jackets. Then I said this boat is too big to tow with your car, and took him to the truck center, sold him an extended cab truck with trailer hitch, c/d player, satellite radio and IPOD dock. Then he was on his way.

Well young man that's fantastic, you did all that to a man who came in to buy a fishing pole!! :o

No, Sir, He came into buy some tampons, I said, well, your weekends shot to hell, have you ever thought about fishing? ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 23, 2008, 01:04:50 AM
I know that my jokes that I post are not very lady-like.. but dang it.. I can't help it!
Those are the only kind I can remember and actually those are the only kind anyone ever sends me.. soooo it really isn't my fault.
If they get a bit over the top, and I start to offend some of you.. please tell me.. I don't want anyone to be uncomfortable...
but it really is hard for me to be an angel ALL of the time~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


But I DO try~~~~~
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/112.gif)

(http://images34.imikimi.com/image/images_full/40615034.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 23, 2008, 01:11:03 AM
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She’s chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden
 she hears the most horrible, awful, blood curdling screams.

 "Don’t worry about that" says St. Peter. "It’s only someone having the holes
put into her shoulder blades for wings."

  The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

  Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
"Oh my God!", say the old lady, "Now what is happening?"

  "Not to worry", says St. Peter. "She’s just having Her head drilled to fit the halo."

  "I can’t do this", says the Old lady.  "I’m just going to go on down to hell."

  "Oh, you can’t go there", says St. Peter. "You’ll be raped and taken advantage of".

  "Maybe so", says the old lady, "but I’ve already got the holes for that! "

 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 23, 2008, 01:13:27 PM
I know that my jokes that I post are not very lady-like.. but dang it.. I can't help it!
Those are the only kind I can remember and actually those are the only kind anyone ever sends me.. soooo it really isn't my fault.
If they get a bit over the top, and I start to offend some of you.. please tell me.. I don't want anyone to be uncomfortable...
but it really is hard for me to be an angel ALL of the time~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


But I DO try~~~~~
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/112.gif)

(http://images34.imikimi.com/image/images_full/40615034.jpg)


With a disclaimer like this I just KNEW the next onewould be good.  :D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 24, 2008, 01:24:30 PM

With a disclaimer like this I just KNEW the next one would be good.  :D

((( I try real hard to cover my butt.)))  ;D ;D ;D
~~~~~~~~~

A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for The Olympic Gold Medal.
Before The Final Match, The Redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and said,
"Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'Pretzel Hold' he has.
Whatever you do, Do Not Let Him Get You In That Hold! If he does, you're finished."

The Redneck nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, The Russian lunged forward, grabbing The Redneck and
wrapping him up in the dreaded Pretzel Hold. A sigh of disappointment arosefrom the crowd and the trainer
buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a blood curdling scream... Then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just
in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed
on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked,
 "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The Redneck Wrestler said "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment,
 I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face.
 I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit down
 on those babies just as hard as I could."

The Trainer exclaimed, "So That's what finished him off!"

Not really. But you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on February 24, 2008, 02:37:35 PM
((( I try real hard to cover my butt.)))  ;D ;D ;D
~~~~~~~~~


GROAN!! (biting tongue) Trying not to....  Must not type.....  AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGG!!!!!   :o :o :o :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 24, 2008, 03:00:51 PM
Marshal'ette.............LMAO - can hardly type for the tears running down my face.  BEST EVER!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on February 24, 2008, 05:14:56 PM
What's the difference between a woman in the shower and a nun?
The nun has hope in her soul.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on February 24, 2008, 05:19:49 PM
What's the difference between a woman in the shower and a nun?
The nun has hope in her soul.

Took a minute, but that was good ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on February 24, 2008, 06:10:38 PM
That's totally disgusting; and i'm starting to feel uncomfortable. Keep up the good work ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 24, 2008, 07:01:18 PM
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.
On his way in he kicked the cow, then ran over and kicked the pig, and last before he opened the door, he gave a mighty kick to the chicken.
His mom had been watching him from the kitchen window.
So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal.
 "What's the deal?" he asks.
His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you. You kicked the pig so there's no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so there will be no eggs for you."
Then his father walks into the kitchen, tripped and and accidentally kicked the cat.
The boy looks at his mother and says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Marshal Halloway on February 24, 2008, 07:17:02 PM
It was a terrible nightmare, the most horrible nightmare  you could ever imagine.
 
In the nightmare I found myself naked in bed, and I was looking at a
mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm
circumcised!
Quickly I jumped up, found my pants and looked in the
pockets to find my driver license photo - and it was that same color.
Black.
 No, no,no, no, no, no~!  God no, it can't be!!
I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, so I sat down in a chair.
But it's a wheelchair!!
 
That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also
disabled!!! I said to myself, aloud "This is impossible. It's impossible
that I should be black and Jewish and disabled."
 
"It's the pure and holy truth", whispers someone from behind me. I turn
around, and it's my Boyfriend. Just what I needed!!! I am a homosexual
whore and on top of that with a Mexican boyfriend.

 Oh, my God..... !!!!!!!!!!
Black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, drug
addict, and HIV-positive!!!
 
Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, reach up to pull my hair, and OH, Noooooo...I'm
Bald!!!
 
The telephone rings. It's my brother. He is saying, "Since mom and dad
died the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all
day doing nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of sh**..  Any job."

Mom?... Dad?... Dead?
Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!
 
I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are
black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug
addict, HIV-positive, bald, and an orphan. But he doesn't get it.
 
Frustrated, I hang up. It's then I realize I only have one hand!!! With
tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a
shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere.
 
Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker.... Pacemaker? Besides
being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug
addict, HIV- positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and
having a bad heart, I live in a crappy cardboard neighborhood.
 
At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, "Sweetiepie,
my love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided who are you going
to vote for in the Primary?
Hillary or Barack?

 Sonofabitch!!!! Say it isn't so!!!
 I can handle being a black, disabled,one armed, drug addicted, Jewish queer on a Pacemaker who is HIV
positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican
boyfriend, but PLEASE .. PLEASE...don't tell me I'm a Democrat!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on February 24, 2008, 07:45:36 PM
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.
On his way in he kicked the cow, then ran over and kicked the pig, and last before he opened the door, he gave a mighty kick to the chicken.
His mom had been watching him from the kitchen window.
So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal.
 "What's the deal?" he asks.
His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you. You kicked the pig so there's no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so there will be no eggs for you."
Then his father walks into the kitchen, tripped and and accidentally kicked the cat.
The boy looks at his mother and says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

M'ette, don't tell Marshal, but I think I'm in love.   ;D ;D ;D ;D :o :o :o :o :o :o ::) ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: SlickRob on February 24, 2008, 11:26:07 PM
"THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER" a story in political correctness.

    OLD VERSION:

    The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
    house and laying up supplies for the winter.

    The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and
plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

    The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

    MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!


    ************************************************************

    MODERN VERSION:

    The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
    house and laying up supplies for the winter.

    The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and
plays the summer away.

    Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and
    demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed
    while others are cold and starving.

    CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the
shivering  grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a
    table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

    How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor
grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

    Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody
    cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

    Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where
    the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse
    then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

 Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that
    the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call
  for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

    Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act
    retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for
failing  to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left
to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

    Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a
    defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel
of  federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent
 welfare recipients.

    The ant loses the case.

    The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of
    the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens
    to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't
    maintain it.

    The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a
 drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a
    gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

 MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: SlickRob on February 24, 2008, 11:27:46 PM
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife
and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the
knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock  cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
...............................................................
THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN




Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire
him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock
the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be
content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my
family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and
make this happier, healthier street that would
Discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with
Some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.


Republican's Answer:
BANG!



Redneck' s Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 25, 2008, 12:03:34 AM
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/chuckle.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on February 25, 2008, 11:51:28 AM
This is for the older folks to laugh at and the younger ones to wonder about.

I had a friend who used to turn his hearing aid off completely which allowed
 him to just smile at everyone. Wonder what happened to 'Smilin Jack'?
 
 
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He
 went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of
 hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
 The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can
 hear again.'
 The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet'.
 I just sit around and listen to the
 conversations. I've changed my Will three times already!'

 
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under
a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and
 I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you
 feel?'
 Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

 
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the
 wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
 The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a
 new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
 The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
 The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that
 flower you give to someone you love?
 You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
 'Do you mean a rose?'
 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen
 and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

 
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
 However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
 already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who
 insisted he! Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
 After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the
 elevator.
 On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out
 of her hospital gown.'
 
 
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During
 a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might
 want to start writing things down to help them remember
 Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
 'Sure.'
 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
 'No, I can remember it.'
 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it
 down, so's not to forget it?'
 He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
 strawberries. '
 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?'
 she asks.
 Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
 cream  with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
 Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
 The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and
 eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
 'Where's my toast ?'
 
 
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
 'So I hear you're getting married?'
 'Yep!'
 'Do I know her?'
 'Nope!'
 'This woman, is she good looking?'
 'Not really.'
 'Is she a good cook?'
 'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
 'Does she have lots of money?'
 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
 'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
 'I don't know.'
 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
 'Because she can still drive!'
 
 
Three old guys are out walking.
 First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
 Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
 Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
 
 
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
 'Twelve thirty.'
 
 
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
 A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
 gorgeous young woman on his arm.
 A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really
 doing great, aren't you?'
 Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
 cheerful.''
 The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be
 careful.'
 
 
One more. . .!
 
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself
 slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered
 a banana split.
 The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on February 25, 2008, 12:39:26 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ROTFLMBO!!!!!!!!!!!!  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Love the last one and the one about the 'rose' has my name all over it! 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 25, 2008, 02:30:32 PM
I definitely can relate to some of those.. LOL  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 25, 2008, 05:23:11 PM
This is kinda one of those things that when you watch it , you snicker and smile.. , but the scary part about it is that it's probably not too far away from being reality. Actually it's rather frightening! (http://www.gangsterbb.net/emoticons/aim-OhMy.gif)

Want to know how to order a pizza in 2010? 

Click the link and see  .  .  . turn  up the volume  . . . listen closely  . . . watch the pointer carefully! 

Click here: http://aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on February 25, 2008, 05:53:42 PM
Positively terrifying!

And coming to YOUR home SOON!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 25, 2008, 06:32:51 PM
And 'specially when someone knows the size of britches you wear.. (http://www.gangsterbb.net/emoticons/rotfl.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on February 25, 2008, 07:34:38 PM
OK, I wasn't going to post this one, but after due consideration, it is less raunchy than some of the other "classics" on this thread.

There was this very gorgeous and shapely young lady who worked at the local General Store, an old time one with shelves to the ceiling and a ladder running along the wall. Seems word got out that in the summer, when it was hot, she would do without undergarments under her skirts.

One summer day, three young guys who had heard about her lack of dress stopped in the store. She asked the first one what he wanted. The guy looked around and spied raisin bread on the top shelf. So that's what he asked for. Up the ladder she went, and sure enough they all got a good eyeful. She came down the ladder, unaware of the show she had just given, and rang up the purchase.

About this time an old geezer walked into the store and he stood with the boys waiting his turn. The young lady asked the second guy what he wanted, and he dutifully pointed to the top shelf and said raisin bread. Up the ladder she went, and all four of the men - young and old - got a good eyeful.

Down she came, rang up the tab, and turned to the third young man. He hemmed and hawed, and finally blurted out "Raisin bread!". Up the ladder she went, with everything on display, when she turned and asked the old man - "Is yours raisin too?"

Naw, he replied, but it's twitchin' a mite!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 25, 2008, 08:25:26 PM
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/forum/image13.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Rastus on February 25, 2008, 09:21:07 PM
I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.  On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

Now,..... practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.  I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my ass and a car hit me.

Stupid lady...why else would I buy dog food??


 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on February 25, 2008, 09:40:22 PM
An old cowboy sat down at a Starbucks (OK, very unlikely, but this is A JOKE) and ordered a cup of coffee. 

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"


He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."


She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems everything makes me think of women."



The two sat sipping in silence.



A little later a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"




He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 26, 2008, 12:15:09 AM
Just read the "Raisin Bread" joke...she must have been a blonde!  Afte the 2nd trip up the ladder a brunette or redhead would have moved all the loaves to a lower shelf.  Sorry blondes.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 26, 2008, 01:32:08 PM
Just read the "Raisin Bread" joke...she must have been a blonde!  Afte the 2nd trip up the ladder a brunette or redhead would have moved all the loaves to a lower shelf.  Sorry blondes.

(http://www.cascity.com/howard/forum/uhhh.gif)  WHAT??
Sorry blonds?? ....Blonds as in plural?
 (http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/yourpo.gif) Like..ahhhhh ...last time I looked around in here there were 2 females..
 One has red/black hair..and the other ( that'd be me~~) is blond...? ::)

Sooooo.... you want to get on your knees NOW and beg forgiveness to "the blond" or ..do you want to take your chances and stick to your story..

(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/Victim.gif)

 (((think about it)))
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on February 26, 2008, 02:09:09 PM
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/forum/uhhh.gif)  WHAT??
Sorry blonds?? ....Blonds as in plural?
 (http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/yourpo.gif) Like..ahhhhh ...last time I looked around in here there were 2 females..
 One has red/black hair..and the other ( that'd be me~~) is blond...? ::)

Sooooo.... you want to get on your knees NOW and beg forgiveness to "the blond" or ..do you want to take your chances and stick to your story..

(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/Victim.gif)

 (((think about it)))
 


OOHHHH Ellis, if'n I was you I'd give up NOW!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 26, 2008, 03:40:45 PM
THE COWBOY AND THE LITTLE BLUE PILL

A Real Cowboy an old Texas cowhand went to the local drug  store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue Viagra pill.

The pharmacist asked 'How many?'

The cowboy replied, 'Oh, just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces.'
 
The pharmacist said, 'That's too small a dose.
That won't get you through sex.'
 
The old cowboy said, 'Oh hell, I'm over eighty years old, and I
don't even think about sex much anymore.
 I just want to take it so it will stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new boots.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 26, 2008, 03:51:19 PM
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then
visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed
again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once
more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about
the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she
took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I
couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose
and then shuddered violently. I'm rather worried. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never
heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Black pepper."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 26, 2008, 04:25:22 PM
No offense intended mam (sure took you long enough to catch my post).  It just wouldn't have been the same if I had said brunette or redhead instead of blonde besides I know you can dish it out as well as take it - not like some I know!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 26, 2008, 05:49:24 PM
No offense intended mam (sure took you long enough to catch my post).  It just wouldn't have been the same if I had said brunette or redhead instead of blonde besides I know you can dish it out as well as take it - not like some I know!

Ahhhhhh.... a man apologizing.. It does a body good.. ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 26, 2008, 06:02:56 PM
And you gloat pretty good too!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Detachment_Charlie on February 26, 2008, 07:18:52 PM
I registered specifically to add this. It's been my favorite joke for at least 50 years (yes, there are people who are that old and able to use a computer). Here it is:

A lady gets on a bus. She's got a banana in her ear.
The bus driver says to her,"Hey, lady, you got a banana in your ear."
The lady says to the bus driver, "Sorry, I can't hear you; I have a banana in my ear."

 ::)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on February 27, 2008, 12:21:55 AM
An old cowboy sat down at a Starbucks (OK, very unlikely, but this is A JOKE) and ordered a cup of coffee. 

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"


He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."


She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems everything makes me think of women."



The two sat sipping in silence.



A little later a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"




He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




I guess I've been chasin' the wrong women too.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 27, 2008, 12:54:08 AM
And you gloat pretty good too!

Me? Gloat?
Never!~~~
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v467/TMB/BluebirdNut/Emoticons/AllEmoticons/wink6.gif)


(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v467/TMB/BluebirdNut/Emoticons/AllEmoticons/catpurr.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 27, 2008, 02:03:20 AM
A housewife has a lover during the day while her husband is at work.
 While this takes place she locks her 8-year-old son in the bedroom closet.
One day her husband comes home while the lover is there so she hurries and puts
 her lover in the same closet with the boy.

They stand in the closet for a while... then the boy says, "Dark in here."

"Yes it is."

"I have a baseball."

"That’s nice."

"Wanna buy it?"

"No."

"My dad’s out there."

"OK, I’ll buy it. How much?"

"$25."

"$25 !!" Sigh... "OK, I’ll buy it."

A week later the man is over again.
The boy is locked in the closet again. The father comes home again.
 The man is put in the closet with the boy again.

They stand in the gloom. The boy says, "Dark in here."

"Yes, it is."

"I have a baseball glove."

"That’s nice.

"Wanna buy it?"

Remembering the previous week, the man says, "Not really, but how much this time?"

"$75."

 "$75 ?!?!!"   "Fine...! I'll buy it."

The following weekend the father says to the boy, " Hey Son, go get your ball and glove and let’s play some catch."

"I can’t dad. I sold them."

"You sold them! Really? For how much?"

"$100."

"What? You shouldn’t rip your friends off like that. We didn’t pay anywhere near that for those items.
That's just terrible!  I’m taking you to the priest and I want you to confess to him."

They go to the church to the confessional.
The boy goes in and sits down. The little door opens so the priest can hear his confession.

"What is your sin, my son?"

 "Dark in here."

"Don’t start that shit again."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 27, 2008, 02:08:54 AM
A guy walks into a bar and sees a big jar crammed full of money, at least $25,000.
He asks the bartender, "What’s up with the jar?"

The bartender replies, "It’s the prize for the contest we’re having."

"What’s the contest?"

"First, You see that big guy over there?"... the bartender says, pointing to the biggest guy in the place,
 "you have to go over there and lay him out with one punch.
Then, down in the back storeroom, there’s a pit bull with a gold molar and you have to pull it out.
Finally, across the street is an 90-year-old woman who hasn’t had an orgasm in 65 years. You have to give her one.
 Do all that and the money is yours."

"Okay," the guy says, "For $25,000, I can do that."
He takes a deep breath and summons all his strength.

He goes over to the big guy, takes a mighty swing and lays him out with one punch. Feeling real good about that,
 the guy then proceeds down to the store room. For the next half hour, all that can be heard is barking, screaming,
growling, and intense shrieks of pain. At last, the guy returns, though somewhat bloodied and with his clothes torn to pieces.

"Okay, now," says the guy,out of breath... "where’s that old woman with the gold tooth?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on February 27, 2008, 07:20:59 AM
An Amish farmer walking, notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have pooped in it."

The man shouts back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Hillary, I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The Amish man says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: someguy on February 27, 2008, 10:53:45 AM
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/forum/uhhh.gif)  WHAT??
Sorry blonds?? ....Blonds as in plural?
 (http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/yourpo.gif) Like..ahhhhh ...last time I looked around in here there were 2 females..
 One has red/black hair..and the other ( that'd be me~~) is blond...? ::)

Sooooo.... you want to get on your knees NOW and beg forgiveness to "the blond" or ..do you want to take your chances and stick to your story..

(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/Victim.gif)

 (((think about it)))
 



Oh, Ok...  I'll take the bait...

What do you call a smart blonde?





A golden retriever.
 ;D  (Hey, I'm blonde, too...)



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 27, 2008, 01:18:41 PM
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting
 time the boy should give some thought to choosing a
 profession.
  Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he
  wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

  One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided
to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed
 on his study table four objects.

  A Bible

 A silver dollar

 A bottle of whisky

 And a playboy magazine.

  'I'll just hide behind the door', the old preacher said to himself.
 'When he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see
  which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a
preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks
  up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would
 be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle. he's going to be a
 no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a
 skirt-chasing bum.'

  The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-
 steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his
 room.

  The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave
 the room he spotted the objects on the table.

  With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them
 Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.
 He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired
 this months centerfold.

  'Lord have mercy.' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
'He's gonna run for Congress!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 27, 2008, 02:07:02 PM
( I have to leave the computer for awhile and do domestic work)

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v467/TMB/BluebirdNut/Emoticons/AllEmoticons/washer.gif) (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v467/TMB/BluebirdNut/Emoticons/AllEmoticons/kaodust.gif)(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v467/TMB/BluebirdNut/Emoticons/AllEmoticons/HouseworkSweep.gif)
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v467/TMB/BluebirdNut/Emoticons/AllEmoticons/dishes.gif)
****Pathfinder...you STILL want my job?***  ;D

Ok.. this is the last one for the day.. and I will try so very very hard to rewrite it a bit and reword it so it is ..well... lets say... more presentable.

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend
a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. It's only for men. They say it's
been trained to preform oral sex.!"

"Oral sex! !" the woman replied.

"Well, understand,it hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's
true...no more having to do that job anymore! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely
skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she
may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans
flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She
ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog
reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is
gone."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on February 27, 2008, 07:40:05 PM
( I have to leave the computer for awhile and do domestic work)

Pathfinder...you STILL want my job?***  ;D


Well, not that part. But, if there is a French upstairs maid outfit involved, I might come watch.

And where do I get one of them frogs? I can cook.

 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Marshal Halloway on February 27, 2008, 07:55:58 PM

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?' To which she replied, 'There certainly is!' My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: wisconsin on February 27, 2008, 08:39:50 PM
I like that one ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 27, 2008, 08:53:49 PM
Now you all know the truth!

Marshal is the clean minded one and I am.......................well............................
(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/erst060.gif) what can I say?   ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on February 27, 2008, 09:23:55 PM
Hey Marshal, It wasn't your neighbor that told you that one was it? ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on February 27, 2008, 09:31:56 PM
Hey Marshal, It wasn't your neighbor that told you that one was it? ;D

IN COMING!!  :o :o :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 28, 2008, 12:10:37 AM
Hey Marshal, It wasn't your neighbor that told you that one was it? ;D

Hey Cookie?!! ??

(http://www.cascity.com/howard/forum/pointfinger.gif)
 
(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/kissass.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 28, 2008, 12:27:17 AM
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.  He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!

The genie said, "OK.  You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes.  So you can forget about getting three wishes.  You only get one wish.

The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile.  Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.   Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!  Think of the logistics of that!   How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?  Think of how much concrete... how much steel...!  No. Think of another wish."

The man tried to think of another wish.  Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times.  My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.  So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on February 28, 2008, 06:29:32 AM
Hey Cookie?!! ??

(http://www.cascity.com/howard/forum/pointfinger.gif)
 
(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/kissass.gif)


What?!!!!!!!! Now thats not very nice. I wasn't implying anything ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 28, 2008, 09:06:17 AM
Hey Marshal, how come you can do a blonde joke and not get reamed but anyone else incurres the Wrath of Marshal'ette?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Marshal Halloway on February 28, 2008, 09:22:05 AM
Didn't you notice that I haven't posted anything since that joke?

My keyboard stopped working and has been locked up until now. When I asked her about it, she just said.... "I don't know, you're the computer expert..."

On another note.... my cereal tasted funny this morning....

Well, I guess I better find a brunette joke real quick to avoid further retaliation.

Then again.... I am taking her out tonight for a "seafood eatin' session" and some book shopping at Barnes & Noble.

Keep me in your prayers....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on February 28, 2008, 09:58:58 AM
Hey Marshal, how come you can do a blonde joke and not get reamed but anyone else incurres the Wrath of Marshal'ette?

RHIP (and he probably hears it in person, so to speak). :D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on February 28, 2008, 11:22:59 AM
Hey Marshal, how come you can do a blonde joke and not get reamed but anyone else incurres the Wrath of Marshal'ette?


 She doesn't have to post to ream him. :o Probably make him eat his own cooking for that one. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on February 28, 2008, 03:46:50 PM
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on February 28, 2008, 07:41:56 PM
OK, got one to balance the frog joke.

This guy walks into a bar he'd never been in before, goes to the end of the bar, and orders a beer. He's looking around, a group of gorgeous, drop-dead beauties at the other end of the bar, a handful of others, and this really unattractive guy sitting in the corner booth. As he's nursing the beer, one of the lovely ladies goes over to the corner booth, chats with the guy for a minute, then he gets up, and they walk out together. He's short dumpy, and in the better light the first guy see that, as my Mom used to say, this guy is really unfortunate looking.

A few days later the first guy goes back to the bar, goes to the end, orders a beer, and checks out the crowd. Only one really hot young lady, a couple of other folks, and the little troll-like guy in the corner booth. Same deal - the young lovely walks over to the guy in the corner booth, talks with him for a minute, he gets up, and they walk out with his arm around her waist.

A week later, the first guy goes back to the bar, sits down, bartender already has a beer waiting for him. The troll guy is in the corner booth. A hot young blonde woman walks in, stands at the end of the bar near the door for a minute, then goes over to the corner booth and - you guessed it - the troll guy gets up and leaves with ther - this time she is all over him.

The first guy waves the bartender over and complains - what's going on, every hot chick in this place goes out with him. The bartender say "Yeah, I know. And all he ever does is just sit in that corner booth licking his eyebrows".

 :o :o :o 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 29, 2008, 01:14:06 AM
I want to live my next life backwards! You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat. Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.

When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work.

So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party. As you get even younger, you become a kid again.

You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities. In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap. Until finally...you finish off as an orgasm.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on February 29, 2008, 06:13:41 AM
Works for me!! ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on February 29, 2008, 11:01:35 AM
Handle every stressful situation like a dog.   If you can't eat it or hump it.   
Piss on it and walk away.
;D

((Aren't I just the most lady- like creature in the female world? (http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/rolleyes.gif)
Actually I am one of the lucky ones who can be "both".. a redneck gal in blue jeans and a flannel shirt.. or a woman in a dress and jewelery and my hair all done up.  ;) It's great being female. :-*
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on February 29, 2008, 12:02:00 PM
Handle every stressful situation like a dog.   If you can't eat it or hump it.  
Piss on it and walk away.
;D

((Aren't I just the most lady- like creature in the female world? (http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/rolleyes.gif)
Actually I am one of the lucky ones who can be "both".. a redneck gal in blue jeans and a flannel shirt.. or a woman in a dress and jewelery and my hair all done up.  ;) It's great being female. :-*

I love it!! (and I'm going to steal it)

And Sugar we love ya just because your both.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: SlickRob on February 29, 2008, 03:38:48 PM


THE WEDDING TEST


I was a very happy man.    My wonderful girlfriend

and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

decided to get married. There was only one

little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful

younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

would regularly bend down when she was near

me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was

near anyone else.


One day her "little" sister called and asked me to

come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

before I got married and committed my life to her sister.


Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.


She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."


I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing

outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

said, "We are very happy that you have passed our

little test. We couldn't ask for a better

man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."


And the moral of this story is:
 


 
 

Always keep your condoms in your car.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: SlickRob on February 29, 2008, 06:02:42 PM
Lawyers  should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't  prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern  small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a  grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and  asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I  do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy,  and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you  cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them  behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't  the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a  two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was  stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room  and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' 

She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr.  Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and  he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship  with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the  entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three  different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' 

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked  both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice,  said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll  send you both to the electric chair.' 



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 01, 2008, 11:20:38 AM
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water,
 however, is a whole other issue."

"OLD" IS WHEN .. Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD " IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door .

"OLD" IS WHEN .. Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

"OLD" IS WHEN .."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today

"OLD" IS WHEN .. "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND "OLD" IS WHEN .. You are not sure these are jokes?
  :o

See everbody?? I can do clean jokes!~ ::)
(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/Giggles.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: someguy on March 01, 2008, 03:03:24 PM
Okay, Marshallette - this is to make up for the 'smart blonde' joke I posted earlier...

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.  A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice bounced and came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down and squealed "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.  Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

  Moral of the story:
  Not all Southerners are stupid.

  Not all blondes are dumb.

  But all men... are men.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 02, 2008, 12:09:42 AM
someguy.. I loved it.. ( you're off the hook  ;) )

Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones.
 John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single.
The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated old row boat.
 It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's old rowboat filled with water and sank.

A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said;
"Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".

Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".

Before he could finish the old lady fainted!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on March 02, 2008, 12:43:21 PM
A southern preacher was asked to come out to a new cemetery opened up in the middle of nowhere and do last rights on a John Doe. On the way to the cemetery the preacher got lost. Being a man he wouldn't stop and ask for directions. That made him a hour and a half late. Finally he turned a corner and saw a backhoe and some men standing there. He got out of his car and ran up to them. Apologizing for being late he saw that the vault was already closed. He decided to go ahead and gave the most beautiful prayer that went from Genises to Revelations. After he was done, he apologized again to the men and left.  One of the men turned to the others and said, "I've been puting in septic tanks for years, but this is the first one thats been blessed!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on March 02, 2008, 07:16:42 PM
I met and married Miss. Right.....To bad I didn't realize her first name was ALWAYS sooner!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 04, 2008, 09:17:23 AM
  The banker saw his old friend Tom,  an eighty-year old rancher, in  town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so  before and rumor had it that he
 was marrying a "mail order"  bride.

Being a good friend, the banker  asked Tom if the rumor was true.   Tom
assured him that it was.  The  banker then asked Tom the age of his  new
Bride to be.  Tom proudly said,  "She'll be twenty-one in  November."

 Now the banker, being the wise man  that he was, could see that  the
 sexual appetite of a young woman  could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-
old man.  Wanting his old  friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker
tactfully suggested that  Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him
out on the ranch,  knowing nature would take its own course.  Tom thought this
was a  good idea and said he would look for one that  afternoon.

 About four months later, the banker  ran into Tom in town again.  "How's the
new wife?", asked the  banker.

  Tom proudly said, "Good - She's  pregnant."

 The banker, happy that his sage  advice had worked out, continued,   "And
how's the hired  hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's  pregnant too."

 
Don't ever underestimate old Geezers.

(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/CAS.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jt40p on March 04, 2008, 10:08:34 AM

One of the guys sent this to me.

Women Are Evil By Nature...   
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.  She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.   
 
'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.  'Actually, no,' he replied.   
 
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.   
 
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'   
 
'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.     
 
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.   
 
'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.


JT  :-X
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 04, 2008, 11:40:26 AM
A learning experience...

Names have been removed to protect the stupid !

Actual Letter from someone who writes, and farms.

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a
stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it
and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured
that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do
not seem to have much fear of me when we are there
(a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at
the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4
feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to
it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog
tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my
rope.  The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed
well back.   They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I
picked out a  likely looking one, stepped out from the end of
the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and
stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I
would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at
me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole
rope situation.

I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little
tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand
there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred
to action  when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a
LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight
range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no
controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me
off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred
to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as
I had originally imagined.

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as
many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk
me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me
a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the
blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had
lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil
creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it
would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.

At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer.

At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess
that the feeling was mutual.
       
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I
had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head
against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I
could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small
chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the
situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a
slow death, so I  managed to get it lined back up in between my
truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of
like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my
 rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years
would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was
very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the
deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse
where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes
its head  --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to
freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead.

My method was ineffective.

 It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several
 minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning
that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus
out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled
that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the
day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up
on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder
level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse
 --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the
best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive
move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back
down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery
would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different
strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run
from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance
that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so
different from horses after all, besides being twice a s strong and
3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right
in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does
not  immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the
danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and
jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like
a little girl and covering your head.

 I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went
away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a
rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 04, 2008, 12:44:23 PM
What a wonderful break from my day.. To have these to read and laugh at.
 I love it!  ;D


A couple of drinkin' buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hangar at Logan in Boston Massachusetts ;
It's fogged in and they're bored out of their skulls and have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and that it will kinda give you a buzz and it has a helluva kick."

So they drink it, and just get hammered and smashed out of their minds. They have a great time; like only drinkin' buddies can do.

 The following morning, one of them gets up and is surprised he feels really good, in fact, he feels great - NO hangover!
The phone rings, it's his buddy.

The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"

He said, "Hey , I feel great!! I mean I feel really great !!", and the buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?" and he says, "No. Isn't that incredible? That jet fuel is awesome stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, we could................, but there's just one thing....."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No, why?"

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 04, 2008, 03:52:13 PM
6 Truths of Life


1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.





2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.





3. The first truth is a lie.





4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.





5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.






6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.


       

Sorry about this,....I'm an idiot and I needed company,...:-)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 04, 2008, 03:55:42 PM


Truth # 7  Your right, I did and yep, still smiling.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Swamp Yankee on March 04, 2008, 05:23:38 PM
Happy Birhtday
This week Monika Lewinski Turns 34. It seems like just yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees putting everything in reach into her mouth. My they grow up so quickly where does the time go.

Mike Mc
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on March 04, 2008, 11:55:05 PM
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete... She is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.  She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,  


Picabo, ICU.  
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on March 04, 2008, 11:56:05 PM
When Grandma Goes To Court 
 
 
Your humor for today!
 
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 05, 2008, 01:27:35 PM
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The
other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching
the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my
engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to
get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He
was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34,
and we have been married for twelve years.
 
When I confronted him, he broke down and
admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I
told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm
afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
 
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila

 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a
short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is
clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also
check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the
problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low
delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
 
I hope this helps.
-Walter
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 05, 2008, 01:37:06 PM
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The
other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching
the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my
engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to
get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He
was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34,
and we have been married for twelve years.
 
When I confronted him, he broke down and
admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I
told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm
afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
 
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila

 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a
short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is
clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also
check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the
problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low
delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
 
I hope this helps.
-Walter


So what's the joke?  ???   Sounded like a knowledgeable answer to me, though I would have also mentioned the fuel filter.  ;)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 05, 2008, 02:35:37 PM
Haz Haz Haz~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  You are impossible! (http://www.gangsterbb.net/emoticons/banghead.gif)



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on March 05, 2008, 03:38:52 PM
My first thought was SHE ran out of gas!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 05, 2008, 04:49:49 PM
One evening, while campaigning in Texas, Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road.
Suddenly an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to
avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed. Hillary told
her driver to go up to the ranch house and explain to the owners what had
happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
 About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in
disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of very expensive wine in one hand,
a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared
with lipstick. "What happened to you," asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "the rancher gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their
beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me!"
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
 
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the
door of the house and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.
The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on March 05, 2008, 05:30:12 PM
A "mamma's boy gets married and goes to the finest hotel for his honeymoon, Being that his Mother shielded him from the world he didn't know much about what to do on his first night of marriage. He goes down stairs to the front desk and asks for help. The Hotel manager tells him that it's not a probem as this is a full service hotel. They go back up to his room and the manager takes out a piece of chalk and draws a circle on the floor. He tells the groom to stand in the circle and not to move until told to do so. The manager then climbs into bed with the Bride and proceeds to perform all manners of sex act on her. The whole time he keeps hearing the groom giggling behind him. When he finally finished he looks at the groom and ask what was so funny. The groom replies " While you were in bed with my wife I jumped out of the circle about 15 times"  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on March 05, 2008, 07:18:22 PM
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it
for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells, 'You need a piece of tail.'

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 06, 2008, 12:11:51 AM
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/126.gif)
Loved 'em Majer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



A man goes to the doctor after feeling sick for a few weeks.
The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and I hate to have to tell you this...but you're going to die this evening."
The man is totally distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife.

He tells her and bravely she says, "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember.
 "I'm going to treat you like a king." She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles, soft music...-the works.

After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is literally beside himself.
Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.

But the husband is wide awake watching the clock.

He knows that his time is ticking away. He taps her..."Honey?" he whispers. .."Could we make love one more time?"
So she rolls over and again and they proceed to make love.
Again when they were done she rolls over and in a few minutes he taps her once again. "Honey? I don't much time left. Do you mind if we make love again?"
She is getting kind of cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes.
Finally, after they are done, the wife rolls over and begins to snore.
Well, the man just can't sleep, so he decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers. "Maybe just one more time?"
 She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure! Easy for you to say. You don't have to get up in the morning!!!"


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 06, 2008, 12:23:30 AM
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery.  You are welcome here as long as you like,
but you may not speak until directed to do so. '

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her,
'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.
'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the
food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office.
'You may say two words today.'

 'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.'


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 06, 2008, 01:18:59 AM
Last one..and I'm goin' to bed.
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/gnight.gif)


A country redneck cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas.

 A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

 HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
 Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favorite things!!"


 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 06, 2008, 12:07:35 PM
After their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. 

So the husband went to the only doctor around which was his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. 

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Arkansas) light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

 'The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

 ''Trust me", said the doctor.

  So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count..."1, 2, 3, 4, 5".  At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.



This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Alabama, Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia and Washington DC.


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: SlickRob on March 06, 2008, 05:02:26 PM
ROTFLMAO!   ;D
Title: The dog is truely man's best friend
Post by: DonWorsham on March 06, 2008, 05:24:18 PM
 
A dog is truely a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.   

 
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. 

When you open the trunk, who’s really happy to see you?
Title: Re: The dog is truely man's best friend
Post by: wisconsin on March 06, 2008, 05:57:23 PM

A dog is truely a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.   

 
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. 

When you open the trunk, who’s really happy to see you?

Thanks :) I'm still laughing as I type this.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 06, 2008, 08:28:36 PM
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER,
 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM.
THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?'
SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

' A WITCH!.....  WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW., TAKIN' MY TEETH WITH HER.'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: wisconsin on March 06, 2008, 08:40:35 PM
This is the place I'm going to keep coming too so I can learn how to laugh again. Great!!! Keep them coming.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 06, 2008, 10:00:03 PM
Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.
 
About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled out saying,
 "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."
 
The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."
 
One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
 
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
 
The Grandmas then asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"
 
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"
 
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old ladies happily cackled and yelled in unison --
 "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 07, 2008, 01:27:15 AM
Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.
 
About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled out saying,
 "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."
 
The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."
 
One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
 
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
 
The Grandmas then asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"
 
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"
 
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old ladies happily cackled and yelled in unison --
 "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"




Bet they made soup for MacBeth  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on March 07, 2008, 01:58:02 AM

Bet they made soup for MacBeth  ;D
Now you're just trying to bubble up some trouble aren't you.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 07, 2008, 11:31:56 AM
   

Bet they made soup for MacBeth  ;D
Now you're just trying to bubble up some trouble aren't you.


Who, ME ?    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 07, 2008, 12:06:51 PM
Sighhhhhhhhhhhh~~my god... would you listen to this drivel??
 Here we go again with the... "Who me?? and the Not me ! ...  ::)
Like ...ahhhh.. everyone knows the ones in here that stir up trouble ..
So I have to call  (http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/bsflag.gif)

I mean.. come on~~ Let's be honest here...........................

I~~"little ole'silly filled with fluff head' me is really the only one in this entire place who is honestly and truly an innocent..
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v467/TMB/BluebirdNut/Emoticons/AllEmoticons/pandadance-1.gif) yep yep yep~~ ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 07, 2008, 12:17:00 PM
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river.

Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."Poof ! . . . God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 4 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed:"God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."Poof ! . . . God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about 2 hours  after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:"God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river."Poof ! . . . He was turned into a woman.
She checked the map, hiked a hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/79.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 07, 2008, 02:02:17 PM
The Fortune Teller...

After escaping from her overly controlling campaign manager for the evening, Hillary Clinton sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year just after you lose the election.' Then the soothsayer looked up and locked eyes with Hillary, who was visibly shaken at this news. Hillary stared back at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She looked back, deep into the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her the big question: "Will I be acquitted?"

__._,_.___

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 07, 2008, 02:04:04 PM
Early on morning Lena woke to find Ole dead in bed.  She was devastated, but not nearly as much as Ole's life-long friend Sven.  That night Sven knelt down to pray and asked God to send him a sign that Ole was fine and in a happy place.

That night in his sleep Sven saw Ole in a dream.  Ole was sitting in a comfortable chair with a beer keg at his feet and a young, bikini clad, beautiful, sexy blond on each knee.

With excitement Sven ran forward to greet his old friend.

Ole quickly replied - Sven ... this isn't what it appears ... theres a hole in the keg and none in either of them.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: howlrwy on March 07, 2008, 05:04:26 PM
These two kids were talking and making up stories.

"My father can run 1000 miles in one day."

"Oh yeah? When my father raises up his hands he can reach the sky."

"Oh yeah? When your father raises his hands into the clouds, does he feel something soft up there?"

"Yeah," he said, "he does."

"Well, those are my father balls."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 07, 2008, 07:20:52 PM
   A new supermarket opened
 near my house. It has an automatic water
mister to keep the produce
fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the
sound of distant thunder and
the smell of fresh rain.

 When you pass the milk cases,
you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

 In the meat department there is
the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks.

 When you approach the egg case,
 you hear hens cluck and cackle, and  the air is filled with the pleasing
aroma of bacon and eggs frying for
 breakfast.

The bread department features
the tantalizing smell of fresh baked
bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there
anymore.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 07, 2008, 07:32:03 PM
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

 Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many

children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked

up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex

with each of them three times."

 Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

 Man: "What sins?"

 Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

 Man: "I'm not, I'm Jewish."

 Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

 Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."
 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 07, 2008, 07:37:05 PM
True Story from  Houston  Medical  Center

 A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his hoohoo.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep.

 I don't know what's worse:

 1) Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo.
3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring.

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 07, 2008, 07:39:05 PM
Sorry, I'm on a streak here ;D

A man walks into a bank, gets in line, and when it's his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank.       

Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me rob this bank?" 

The customer replies, "Yes, I did!"  The bank robber raises his gun, points it at the guys head, pulls the trigger and kills him deader than a door nail.
       
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"  The man calmly responds, "No, but my wife did!"

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Swamp Yankee on March 07, 2008, 08:18:26 PM
A man and his nagging wife go on vacation to the Holy land. While there his wife dies suddenly. The local mortician  says they can ship her back to the States for $5000 or She can be laid to rest in the Holy land for $150. The mortician says it would be wonderful to have her interned here just think of how special it would be. The husband thinks about it for a couple of minutes and says to ship her back to the States. The mortician say why dont you think about it a little more. The husband replies that he had and that a long time ago a man had died and was buried then three days later  he arose from the dead and he just couldn't take that chance.

Mike Mc
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 07, 2008, 08:34:34 PM
Sighhhhhhhhhhhh~~my god... would you listen to this drivel??
 Here we go again with the... "Who me?? and the Not me ! ...  ::)
Like ...ahhhh.. everyone knows the ones in here that stir up trouble ..
So I have to call  (http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/bsflag.gif)




I mean.. come on~~ Let's be honest here...........................

I~~"little ole'silly filled with fluff head' me is really the only one in this entire place who is honestly and truly an innocent..
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v467/TMB/BluebirdNut/Emoticons/AllEmoticons/pandadance-1.gif) yep yep yep~~ ;)




 :o ::) ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 08, 2008, 09:23:36 AM
Thought I'd ad this to the joke thread even though there's a lot of truth in it........


As you may have heard, the Bush Administration has promised that each one of us will get a nice tax rebate in May.  But if we spend that money at Wal-Mart, it will all go to China.  If we spend it on gasoline, it will go to the Arabs; neither will help the American economy.
 

We need to keep that money here in America.  The only way to accomplish this is to buy beer, or spend it on porn or prostitution, since these are the only big businesses left in the U.S.
 

Let's all stand together on this.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 08, 2008, 12:55:19 PM
A Michigan Joke


A young woman in Cheboygan Michigan was so depressed that she decided to
end her life by throwing herself into the Straits. She went to the
Mackinaw Bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a
handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the rail, crying.  He took pity
on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in
the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take
good care of you and bring you food every day."   Moving closer, he
slipped his arm around her shoulder and added , "I'll keep you happy, and
you'll keep me happy."   The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have
to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her new meaning. 
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From
then on, every night, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.  Three weeks later,
during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.  "What are
you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the
sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe , and he's
screwing me."   "He certainly is," the captain said.  "This is the
Mackinaw Island Ferry."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 08, 2008, 03:54:58 PM
Right off the bat...ha ha ha ha haha  I have to apologize .. hahahahaha  because this is NOT a lady like joke.. ( oh ..I forgot~~none of mine are  :P ) I had heard this before, but I laughed so hard again.....I HAVE to post it on here..  ;D

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much to large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out.
The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.
Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

 "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and knew what you were going through as she had the operation done herself."

 "Who is the third rose from?" she asked.

"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v467/TMB/BluebirdNut/Emoticons/AllEmoticons/LaughTilCry.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 08, 2008, 05:44:17 PM
Marshal'ette, that's disgusting!


Damn your good ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 08, 2008, 06:41:34 PM
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.  Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.

 

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all.  Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.  When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"

"Oh yes, PaPa" the girl replied, "and do you know what?  We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went today!"


Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it       :'(

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 08, 2008, 07:17:27 PM
I think that is because grandma doesn't know how to drive. ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on March 08, 2008, 10:44:35 PM
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her BMW, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her BMW, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her BMW, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on March 09, 2008, 12:22:29 AM

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said,
"Give me your money."
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden
attack, said "You cannot do this,
I'm a United States Congressman!"
The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"
 
As seen on Comedy Central's website.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 09, 2008, 12:00:30 PM
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.


Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

. . . . . After a moment of silence, he farted.



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 09, 2008, 05:23:18 PM
THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were
when they were growing up; what with walking
twenty-five miles to school every morning ... Uphill BOTH ways........
Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
there was no way in hell I was going to lay
a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it.
And how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
cildhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you just
don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the
Internet . If we wanted to know something,
we had to go to the musty dim lighted damn library and
look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write
somebody a letter with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street  and
put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to
steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the damned
 DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting!
 If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!
It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your
bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!
We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and
'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square!
You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels
 or screens, it was just one screen....... Forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting
harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!
 Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such
thing as stadium seating!
All the seats were the same height!
 If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat
sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that
was only like 15 channels.
And there was no on screen menu and no remote
control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide
to find out what was on! You were screwed when it
came to channel surfing! You had to get off
your ass and walk over to the TV to change the
damn channel and there was no Cartoon Network either!
You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.
 Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK
for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat
something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire ..
Imagine that! If we wanted modern new fangled popcorn, we had
 to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove
forever like an idiot. And the shit STILL burned. And we ate it!

That's exactly what I'm talking about!

You kids today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
Five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd

 
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 09, 2008, 07:48:57 PM
 Where's the joke ?  ??? ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 09, 2008, 09:19:41 PM
 :D I know.. but the wording of it kinda made me smile.. ( kinda)  :-\    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 10, 2008, 06:15:22 AM
Names that should never be hyphenated!

http://cbs13.com/slideshows/Married.Names.Hyphenate.20.462840.html?rid=0
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 10, 2008, 06:44:17 PM
Damn....Marhall'ette! You had cable T.V. growing up? We had frickin Howdy Doody and Ed Sullivan and those stupid ass Space Ranger muppet-hung-by-strings thingys that flew through space and the smoke from the rockets always went up in the air instead of straight out behind the rocket. Halfway through the movie the sound would go out on the T.V. Ever tried to read a space ranger-hung-by-a-string-thingy mannnequins lips when you were ten years old? Geeezzz life sucked back then. I wonder if child suicide rate was higher back then ???

Cheers,
J.C.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 10, 2008, 06:49:45 PM
Changed my mind...Disapproved



Re-submit in 90 days for further disapproval
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 10, 2008, 06:56:37 PM
Hazcat, I never tire of that one ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 10, 2008, 11:13:25 PM
Outlaw.. Outlaw.. Outlaw... I just submitted the joke honey.. I didn't write it.
 I only WISH I was young enough to have had cable TV~~ LOL

No, we had a big huge antenna right outside the porch that daddy put up and we had 3 channels.. If you wanted to try to get a 4th one and the weather was just right.. he would go out.. climb up a ways on it and start to turn it. Mama would stand at the door and he and her would holler back and forth until the pic was as clear as it would get..
Sometimes it stayed that way and sometimes it would get fuzzy again.. But we had a TV (B&W) and we thought we were sh**in' in tall cotton.  ;D

((((((Ha ha ... ;D  me being young enough to have cable... ( THAT alone should be a joke of it's own.) LOL)))
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 10, 2008, 11:32:50 PM
Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to be moving"
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly"
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right"
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, Leads me to deduce that you have a family."
Neighbor 1: "Right again"
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"
Neighbor 1: "Correct"
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual"
Neighbor 1: "Yup"
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Cool"

Later that same day...

Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No"
Neighbor 1: "Fag."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 11, 2008, 02:56:42 AM
We got three channels due to terrain and distance,EVERY BODY watched the same shows as there was no choice, Mr. Ed and My favorite Martian. ;D  and when Dad let go of the antenna you lost the 4th channel ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: SlickRob on March 11, 2008, 06:00:02 AM
Plus - the TV was heavy enough to hold down the house during a twister.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 11, 2008, 08:31:18 AM
Nice to know some of you folks are as old as I am. It's also nice to be able to remember that far back. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 11, 2008, 08:56:53 AM
Nice to know some of you folks are as old as I am. It's also nice to be able to remember that far back. ;D

They say the first thing to go is ....uhhh...errrr....OH, look at the squirrel!  (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/schlafen/sleeping-smiley-005.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 11, 2008, 09:26:53 AM
Haz~~~ Would you do me a favor and check your family's genetic and hereditary background?
 I just KNOW that you and I are from the same warped strand... ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 11, 2008, 09:51:13 AM
Haz~~~ Would you do me a favor and check your family's genetic and hereditary background?
 I just KNOW that you and I are from the same warped strand... ;D ;D ;D

I'll show you my family tree / DNA if you show me yours! (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/aetsch/cheeky-smiley-005.gif) (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/aetsch/cheeky-smiley-023.gif) (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/huepfen/jumping-smiley-004.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 11, 2008, 10:17:41 AM
I'll show you my family tree / DNA if you show me yours! (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/aetsch/cheeky-smiley-005.gif) (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/aetsch/cheeky-smiley-023.gif) (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/huepfen/jumping-smiley-004.gif)

 :D  Ahhhh sweetheart~~~~There has been many who have wanted to do that... and look what happened to them..
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v467/TMB/BluebirdNut/Emoticons/AllEmoticons/thudpilegif.gif)
Ya sure you want to take the chance?   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 11, 2008, 10:25:05 AM
:D  Ahhhh sweetheart~~~~There has been many who have wanted to do that... and look what happened to them..
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v467/TMB/BluebirdNut/Emoticons/AllEmoticons/thudpilegif.gif)
Ya sure you want to take the chance?   ;D

Funny!  Iwas going to ask you the same thing...considering the smilies are a pretty good representation of my family tree! ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 11, 2008, 03:15:40 PM
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 11, 2008, 03:43:33 PM


Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little shit, O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy. 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.'

 

*****************************************************
An Irishman who had a bit too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
'So,' says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'


***********************************************************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda.' There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...'
'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'

'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.'
Finally, she looks up at Tim.
'How did it happen, Tim?'
'It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.'
'Oh, my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'


***********************************************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary? '
She says, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun...''


***********************************************************************************************
THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!'



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on March 11, 2008, 06:58:57 PM
    The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

    'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen
    it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, Senator Clinton says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

    He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering  subsides.

    The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

    The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever?  Show me."

    So the Pope slapped her.


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 11, 2008, 07:21:20 PM
A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on ..totally naked from the waist down.
 "Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
 "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
This is your Grandma's idea."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: wisconsin on March 11, 2008, 07:34:57 PM
A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on ..totally naked from the waist down.
 "Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
 "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
This is your Grandma's idea."


I was having just one of those days until I read this one. Keep them coming :) :) :) :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 12, 2008, 03:24:12 AM
I was having just one of those days until I read this one. Keep them coming :) :) :) :)


It's why I ALWAYS save this thread for last  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Crescendo on March 12, 2008, 08:38:57 AM

It's why I ALWAYS save this thread for last  ;D

It is indeed, a wonderful way to start the day !  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on March 12, 2008, 09:05:44 AM
A woman in her late 90's was being interviewed by the local newspaper about her life and she tells them she's been married 4 times, Her first was in her 20's, He was a Banker. The next was in her 40's He was a Circus Ringmaster. Her third was in her 60's This one was a Pastor and her 4th Husband she told the news paper was a Funeral director. When asked why the eclectic choice of husbands She simply smiled and said

One was for the money

Two was for the show

Three was to get ready

and Four to go... ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: howlrwy on March 12, 2008, 11:02:39 AM
Damn....Marhall'ette! You had cable T.V. growing up? We had frickin Howdy Doody and Ed Sullivan and those stupid ass Space Ranger muppet-hung-by-strings thingys that flew through space and the smoke from the rockets always went up in the air instead of straight out behind the rocket. Halfway through the movie the sound would go out on the T.V. Ever tried to read a space ranger-hung-by-a-string-thingy mannnequins lips when you were ten years old? Geeezzz life sucked back then. I wonder if child suicide rate was higher back then ???

Now you're making me feel old!  I remember the first family on the street who got a TV and we all went down to see it, but it had to be after 5PM because the only station in the SF Bay Area only came on at 5 and went off at 10.  Later when my dad got us a TV we still had limited hours, but we did have Crusader Rabbit, Flash Gordon, Howdy Doody, Cukla, Fran and Ollie...  Of course on Friday evenings my dad got to watch the Friday Night Fights brought by Gilette.  ;-)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 12, 2008, 11:06:43 AM
For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken  literally.....

"Circumcised" (this is priceless!)

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.  He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his "private part" hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.
Title: re: classic Joke thread
Post by: Dakotaranger on March 12, 2008, 11:26:14 PM
This guy walks into a doctor's office and

He demands reception let him see the doc without an appointment, he says he hurts all over and he is a very important person, he must see the doctor now.

He sees the doc and says "I hurt everywhere." He touches his head "Ouch!". He touches his arm "Ouch!". Touches his leg"Ouch" The doc examines him, takes body fluid samples, does a full body x-ray and tells him to return tomorrow.

The next day the doc shares the results. He says "Well, all of the tests are in, but I need to ask you a question or two."

The guy says "OK, but hurry up, I'm a very important person and have important things to do."

Doc asks "Where do you work?"

Guy says "I'm a high level staffer at the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Ownership. Why?"

Doc says "Ah ha! I should have expected that. Your index finger is broken."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 12, 2008, 11:43:45 PM
Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy Birthday."
 I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember.
"The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." I felt a little better. At least someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
 I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
 She said, "Good! Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.
 Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday.......and there I sat on the couch.......naked.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 12, 2008, 11:54:04 PM
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook
a venison steak.

But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they
were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass, and as the priest
sprinkled holy water over him, he said,   "You were born a Baptist, and
raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved,  until Friday night arrived, and
the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and as he rushed into
Bubba's yard,  clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and
watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully
sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: You wuz born a deer, you wuz
raised a deer, but now you a catfish.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 13, 2008, 11:14:29 AM
This one may be borderline.  ???

Red Neck Pick Up Lines

 

1) Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to check you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light
switch away.

8) Fat Penguin........ Sorry, I just wanted to say something that would
break the ice.

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me? I think he went into this cheap
motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as winder cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep til afternoon.

And.... The best for last!


13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts
tighten up

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 13, 2008, 11:24:43 AM
I liked the Fat Penguin best. (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/aktion/action-smiley-036.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 13, 2008, 04:46:56 PM
I liked the Fat Penguin best. (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/aktion/action-smiley-036.gif)

You would  ::)...................sighhhhhhhhhh ::)

Guess which I liked best...  ;D
(http://www.gangsterbb.net/emoticons/fart.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 13, 2008, 05:16:57 PM
You would  ::)...................sighhhhhhhhhh ::)

Guess which I liked best...  ;D
(http://www.gangsterbb.net/emoticons/fart.gif)

#1 ?    :-*

They left one out.... #14.  Gee, to be fat you shore don't sweat much!   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 13, 2008, 05:28:03 PM
This from a friend of mine in Canada. Had to pass it on for laughs. ;D

This is not so funny as  it is  ridiculous.   Unfortunately, I dealt with
these same employees at Citi Bank 7 years ago when they bought out Canada
Trust / TD Master Card.  This shit actually happens.



Cancel your credit card.......... (Hilarious!) 

Now some people are really stupid!!!!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless,
and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late
fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now
somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is
the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in
January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to
the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this
part!!!!)

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about
her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still
apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

 Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just
keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."(What is wrong
with these people?!?)

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet??
 :P
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...Another Blonde Joke...Sorry Marshal'ette
Post by: ellis4538 on March 13, 2008, 05:59:28 PM
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.  She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, How much will you charge me?"
 
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
 
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
 
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
 
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?
 
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
 
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
 
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
 
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

 Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
 

 "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 13, 2008, 09:42:05 PM
You would  ::)...................sighhhhhhhhhh ::)

Guess which I liked best...  ;D
(http://www.gangsterbb.net/emoticons/fart.gif)

C'mon Marshal'ette!  You HAD to like the penguin!  Unexpected, out of left field and the timing was perfect! (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/aktion/action-smiley-035.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 13, 2008, 10:56:43 PM
I actually did.. but you liked it, so I decided not to.. (http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/naanaa.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Crescendo on March 13, 2008, 11:24:40 PM
Some of my best friends are penguin's !!  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 14, 2008, 12:12:50 AM
A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
 "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he doesn't have no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
 "You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids!!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 14, 2008, 12:25:43 AM
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a damned duck!"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on March 14, 2008, 09:23:58 AM
POSSIBLY THE VERY BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER:

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit disgusted, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, 'Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!'



If anyone needs it explained - read it a second time.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 14, 2008, 10:00:56 AM
A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM DILLION, MONTANA, COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING. 
 
THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY ALL OF HIS LIFE.
 
WHEN HE DIED, AT THE AGE OF 103, HE LEFT BEHIND:
 
14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRAND-CHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN,
 
AND A 30 FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 14, 2008, 01:33:00 PM
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She  thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good  job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into Town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One  o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found  the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, Waiting for  him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she  asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and  placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned  it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on March 14, 2008, 11:20:41 PM
... ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 15, 2008, 10:41:11 AM
A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee
for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to
$500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts
for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and
model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, " I have an idea. It's so sheer that it
might as well be wearing nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the
modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

 She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.  The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least
iron it!"........


He never heard the shot.
Funeral on THURSDAY at Noon. Closed coffin
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 15, 2008, 10:44:04 AM
A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee
for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to
$500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts
for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and
model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, " I have an idea. It's so sheer that it
might as well be wearing nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the
modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

 She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.  The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least
iron it!"........


He never heard the shot.
Funeral on THURSDAY at Noon. Closed coffin


The moral of this is first impressions should be kept to yourself !       ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 16, 2008, 09:33:40 AM
In response to complaints from Reverends Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson that
 there are not enough Black and Hispanic   
people appearing on TV, FOX has decided that, in the future, 'America's Most
 Wanted' will be shown twice weekly.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 16, 2008, 12:59:31 PM
In response to complaints from Reverends Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson that
 there are not enough Black and Hispanic  
people appearing on TV, FOX has decided that, in the future, 'America's Most
 Wanted' will be shown twice weekly.


Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton would be on TV more often if there were an "Americas least wanted"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 16, 2008, 07:07:41 PM
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.
Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this...
 When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around,
then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?


(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/goof.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 16, 2008, 08:52:51 PM
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.
Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this...
 When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around,
then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?


(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/goof.gif)

(http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/sehrgrosse/large-smiley-007.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 17, 2008, 03:55:18 PM
A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa , taking his faithful, elderly Jack Russell named Killer , along for the company.   

One day the old Jack Russell starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.
Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

 The old Jack Russell thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

 Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old Jack Russell nearly had me!"

 Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old Jack Russell sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

 The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell says...
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard !


Moral of this story... 

Don't mess with the old dogs...
Age and Skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull-Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 17, 2008, 04:01:08 PM

Don't mess with the old dogs...
Age and Skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull-Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience
.



Mustn't... have to stop...don't say....biting tongue....AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG!! (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/sprachlos/speechless-smiley-037.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 17, 2008, 04:44:46 PM
Oh go ahead and say it..
Just admit that you have an overload of the (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v467/TMB/BluebirdNut/Emoticons/AllEmoticons/hah.gif)"BS & BRILLIANCE " part. 

Everyone in here already knows it, so it's no big surprise.. (http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/tease.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 17, 2008, 04:53:30 PM
Oh go ahead and say it..
Just admit that you have an overload of the (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v467/TMB/BluebirdNut/Emoticons/AllEmoticons/hah.gif)"BS & BRILLIANCE " part. 

Everyone in here already knows it, so it's no big surprise.. (http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/tease.gif)


I do believe that I have been hoisted with my own petard! (http://www.mazeguy.net/surprised/footinmouth.gif)(http://www.mazeguy.net/surprised/flamed.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on March 17, 2008, 07:58:20 PM
I do believe that I have been hoisted with my own petard! (http://www.mazeguy.net/surprised/footinmouth.gif)(http://www.mazeguy.net/surprised/flamed.gif)


Better than being hoisted on someone else's petard.

Unless you're into that?

I mean, you went out to get all them cutesy smileys, I figured you had become one of them met-ro-sex-ual types.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 17, 2008, 08:04:30 PM
Better than being hoisted on someone else's petard.

Unless you're into that?

I mean, you went out to get all them cutesy smileys, I figured you had become one of them met-ro-sex-ual types.

AHEM!  Just because I am computer literate does NOT mean I am light in my loafers!

(Yeah, I know you were just yankin' my chain, Path)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Mig214 on March 18, 2008, 01:16:26 AM

I mean, you went out to get all them cutesy smileys, I figured you had become one of them met-ro-sex-ual types.

Q: What's the difference between a metro-sexual with his boyfriend in a BMW and a porcupine?

A: With the porcupine the pricks are on the outside   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 18, 2008, 03:27:21 AM
News flash; Sharks DO bite lawyers, happened a couple years ago when they had that rash of shark attacks, might have been an accident though, the lawyer lived. No word on the shark.    ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 18, 2008, 10:54:07 AM
Two 90-year-old men..Bob & Mike, had been friends all of their
lives. When it was clear that Bob was dying, Mike visited him every day.

One day Mike said, "Bob, we both loved playing baseball
all our lives, and we played it all through high school. Please do me
one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there."

Bob looked up at Mike from his deathbed, "Mike ,you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Bob passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike was awakened from a
sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him," Bob...Bob!."

"Who is it?' asked Mike, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike --it's me, Bob."

"You're not Bob. Bob just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Bob," insisted the voice.

"Bob!!! ... How are you.. I mean..Where are you.??"

"In Heaven,' replied Bob. "I have some really good news and a
little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Mike.

"The good news,' Bob said, "is that there's baseball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So
what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on March 18, 2008, 01:35:25 PM
You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God.'
You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
You might be a redneck if: You still say 'Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.'
You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.
You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
You might be a redneck if: You treat all veterans with great respect, and always have.
You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag.
You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.
You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend..
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tumblebug on March 18, 2008, 05:55:49 PM
 Diff between hookers & lawyers [hooker will stop screwing you after death]
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 18, 2008, 08:15:11 PM
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would
 now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.
 With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
 If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.
  But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer,
 then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund, you would have had $214.00.
 Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
 It's called the 401-Keg

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 18, 2008, 08:19:53 PM
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would
 now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.
 With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
 If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.
  But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer,
 then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund, you would have had $214.00.
 Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
 It's called the 401-Keg



OH, MAMA!(http://www.mazeguy.net/silly/eyebrows.gif)

Thats my kind of 'investing'!(http://www.mazeguy.net/silly/burp.gif)(http://www.mazeguy.net/silly/drunk.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 18, 2008, 10:23:06 PM

G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As   
they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word
was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would
turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had
Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell   
that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you?'
Bush replied, 'Go ahead, my wife Laura doesn't know what the inside of   
a whorehouse smells like.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 18, 2008, 11:08:44 PM
Not a joke, but a humorous true story:

Summer of 2003 (if memory serves) President Bush came to Minnesota.  Somehow the MN Cattleman's Association got left off the list, and at the last minute there was an opportunity for them to attend.  Steve Brake (sp?), President of MN Cattleman that year, received the call that the cattlemen were to be included and when and where he needed to report.  He questioned how many could come, and he was told ONE - only him.  He asked about his wife and family, and he was told "ONLY  YOU!"

The day arrived and Steve showed up at the airport in his best shirt and tie, starched blue jeans, freshly polished boots and formal cowboy hat.  As he was checked in by FBI and Secret Service and worked his way through the levels of security, he noticed vans and buses full of Soybean Association and Corn Growers reps piling out, and pretty soon there were the Pork Producers and representatives from every group involved with agriculture in Minnesota.  They came in business casual to full suits, baseball caps and bare heads, but the common denominator was they were all in groups.  There stood Steve all by himself, and wearing the only full brimmed hat in the area.

As time passes and the crowd grew, the jabs started.  It didn't take long for others to realize Steve was alone, and both he and the cattle producers became the butt of many jokes until the moment.  Without warning a Secret Service agent, in the classic black suit and ear piece, with his back to the crowd and without making a move calmly stated "It only takes one MAN in a cowboy hat to get the job done."

This brought an end to all jokes.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on March 18, 2008, 11:27:05 PM
'
Not a joke, but a humorous true story:


Ain't that the truth
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on March 19, 2008, 02:50:05 AM
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair; she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior, "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was ," sighed the Sister."And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to
Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blasp heme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling,
and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the f****** putt, didn't you?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 19, 2008, 03:45:21 AM
Not a joke, but a humorous true story:



Gee, I wonder where that secret service agent grew up ?  ;D
TAB, that ranks right up there with some of M'ettes  ;D
This thread ALWAYS improves my day !
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 19, 2008, 10:06:05 AM
Ohhhh Tab~~~~~~~~~ ;D
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/forum/cryinglaughing.gif)

That was just a hoot. I horse laughed out loud on that one. I have to send that to my son and my mom..
Ha Ha ha..that is funny.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 19, 2008, 11:34:06 AM
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you,
his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG which is God spelled backwards.

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.
They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration.
Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are.
The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that
they were NOT the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased
And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.


(http://www.downrange.tv/images/catfinger.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 19, 2008, 12:15:04 PM
OH!  How true!  Maybe with an ego like mine (http://www.mazeguy.net/silly/smirk.gif) that's why I am a cat guy. (http://www.mazeguy.net/animal/cat.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 19, 2008, 01:05:27 PM
And can your 'handsome guy' maneuver is finger  like this cat can?  I am sure he has watched his owner a time or two.
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Diplomat on March 20, 2008, 12:51:58 AM
Okay I'll play.


A dog is truly man's best friend. If you don't believe it, try this experiment:


Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 20, 2008, 07:51:17 AM
If my wife was like Marshal'ette I AIN'T opening that trunk.(http://www.mazeguy.net/angry/timebomb.gif)  I KNOW she has a 'hide out' or two on her. (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/waffen/violent-smiley-004.gif)(http://www.mazeguy.net/sad/ouch.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 20, 2008, 09:04:15 AM
Sven and Ole were running down the street ...

Sven ran into the bar ...

Ole ducked  ???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 20, 2008, 10:43:00 AM
After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a note in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Kennedy opened the note, which appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.

Kennedy was baffled, so he E-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help.

Within a few seconds, the Marines cabled back with this reply: "Tell Kennedy he is holding the message upside down."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Marshal Halloway on March 20, 2008, 10:51:14 AM
A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money.
Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked,
"Did you see me rob this bank?"                                                                     
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."                                                                                 
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.                       
                                                                                       
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man,
"Did you see me rob this bank?"                                                           
                                                                                       
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."



---Did I REALLY just post this?? (http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/blackeye.gif)  If you don't hear from me for awhile............................... well------ you know. (http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/erst060.gif)

(Start sending me your prayers. Immediately.  )(http://www.cascity.com/howard/forum/angel.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 20, 2008, 10:56:29 AM
Marshal,

I hope you like soft foods. (http://www.mazeguy.net/expressive/fight.gif)

And I'm (http://www.mazeguy.net/expressive/pray.gif) for ya!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 20, 2008, 11:29:35 AM
Marshal,
You need to pay attention to this one.

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big
bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everythingthere was.< /B>

 

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!'



The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 20, 2008, 11:41:33 AM

Marshal,

You need to pay attention to this one.

 Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.



Thought I might repeat that for ya, Marshall.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Marshal Halloway on March 20, 2008, 12:00:08 PM

I know. I think I am on "getting it wrong" #4 so far today... and the day ain't over yet.  ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 20, 2008, 01:01:25 PM
A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money.
Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked,
"Did you see me rob this bank?"                                                                     
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."                                                                                 
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.                      
                                                                                       
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man,
"Did you see me rob this bank?"                                                          
                                                                                       
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."



---Did I REALLY just post this?? (http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/blackeye.gif)  If you don't hear from me for awhile............................... well------ you know. (http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/erst060.gif)

(Start sending me your prayers. Immediately.  )(http://www.cascity.com/howard/forum/angel.gif)

WOW, Welcome to the club with Haz, Mac, and I. do any of you know how to play bridge, shall we go for team cribbage or wait for one more and play poker ?  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 20, 2008, 01:07:25 PM
WOW, Welcome to the club with Haz, Mac, and I. do any of you know how to play bridge, shall we go for team cribbage or wait for one more and play poker ?  ;D

Poker, defiantly poke her. (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/teufel/devil-smiley-027.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on March 21, 2008, 09:39:28 AM
RECENT STUDY FOUND OUT WHICH DAYS MEN PREFER TO HAVE SEX. IT WAS FOUND THAT MEN PREFERRED TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY ON THE DAYS THAT STARTED WITH THE LETTER 'T'.

EXAMPLES

TUESDAY
THURSDAY
TODAY
TOMORROW
THANKSGIVING
THATURDAY
THUNDAY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A RECENT SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED ALSO TO DISCOVER WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT HERE ARE THE SURVEY RESULTS:
5% SAID IT WAS TO GET A GLASS OF WATER
12% SAID IT WAS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM
83% SAID IT WAS TO GO HOME
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE PERFECT BREAKFAST...AS A MAN SEES IT.....YOU'RE SITTING AT THE
TABLE AND YOUR SON IS ON THE COVER OF WHEATIES......
YOUR MISTRESS IS ON THE COVER OF PLAYBOY........
AND YOUR WIFE IS ON THE BACK OF THE MILK CARTON.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE BEST FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL AFTER 50?
NUDITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
ABOUT 45 LBS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND?
ABOUT 45 MINUTES
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE FASTEST WAY TO A MAN'S HEART?
THROUGH HIS CHEST WITH A REALLY SHARP KNIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S TH E DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SOUTHERN ZOO AND A NORTHERN ZOO?
A SOUTHERN ZOO HAS A DESCRIPTION OF THE ANIMAL ON THE FRONT OF THE CAGE, ALONG WITH A RECIPE.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE CUBAN NATIONAL ANTHEM?
ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE AND A SOUTHERN FAIRYTALE ?

A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE BEGINS 'ONCE UPON A TIME.....'
AND A SOUTHERN FAIRY TLE BEGINS..........

'Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE THIS SHIT


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Marshal Halloway on March 21, 2008, 10:34:40 AM
DATING RITUALS

WHITE  WOMEN
 
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
 Second date: You get to  grope all over and make out.
 Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.
 
 
IRISH  WOMEN
 
First  Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
 Second  Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th  Anniversary:  You both get blind drunk and have sex.
 
 
ITALIAN   WOMEN
 
First  Date: You take her  to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second   Date: You  meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and  insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary:  You find yourself a girlfriend.
 
 
 
 JEWISH WOMEN
 
First Date: You get  dynamite head.
 Second Date: You get more  great head.
 Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
 
 
 
CHINESE WOMEN
 
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't  even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.
 
 
 
INDIAN WOMEN
 
First date: Meet her parents.
 Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding  night.
 
 
 
BLACK  WOMEN
 
1st Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
2nd Date: You get to  buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
3rd Date: You get to  pay her rent.
10th Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
 
 
 
MEXICAN  WOMEN
 
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of  her car.
 Second Date: She's  pregnant.
Third  Date: She moves in.  One week later ~ her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their  kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move  in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your  home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.
 

The POINT?
 

DON'T  YOU JUST LOVE IRISH  WOMEN?
;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 21, 2008, 10:50:14 AM
Ya know Marshal?? sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..
 You are starting out your weekend walking on very very thin ice.. >:(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 21, 2008, 10:53:29 AM
Ya know Marshal?? sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..
 You are starting out your weekend walking on very very thin ice.. >:(

Maybe but the water is starting to warm up! (http://www.mazeguy.net/expressive/cold.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 21, 2008, 10:59:56 AM
Marshal,

Where is the paragraph about Norwegian / Scandinavian girls?  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 21, 2008, 11:59:30 AM
A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.
Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

 So, he asks the man his name." Fred" he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
 The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

 The officer let him go without even a warning.  ;D


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 21, 2008, 01:14:21 PM
Ya know Marshal?? sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..
 You are starting out your weekend walking on very very thin ice.. >:(


Hey Haz, aren't you glad YOU didn't post that joke, I know I am .         
  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 21, 2008, 01:17:18 PM

Hey Haz, aren't you glad YOU didn't post that joke, I know I am .                   
;D

Shhh (http://www.mazeguy.net/expressive/shhh.gif) I'm trying to lay low own this one. (http://www.mazeguy.net/silly/shiftyeyes.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 21, 2008, 03:38:13 PM
Blame this one on the "Warden's" warning on the other thread (  NO, "Hey Dudes.. hold my beer and watch this"  target practicing after dark):

How do you tell the difference between a California driver and a Minnesota driver?

When a Californian slips and slides on the ice they scream and pee their pants.

When a Minnesotan slips and slides they say "Here ... hold my beer and watch this!"

Sorry, but it is much more fun when your sliding through the ditch.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 21, 2008, 04:20:42 PM
Blame this one on the "Warden's" warning on the other thread (  NO, "Hey Dudes.. hold my beer and watch this"  target practicing after dark):

How do you tell the difference between a California driver and a Minnesota driver?

When a Californian slips and slides on the ice they scream and pee their pants.

When a Minnesotan slips and slides they say "Here ... hold my beer and watch this!"

Sorry, but it is much more fun when your sliding through the ditch.

In NH we do that in mall parking lots   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on March 21, 2008, 06:13:48 PM
Ya know Marshal?? sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..
 You are starting out your weekend walking on very very thin ice.. >:(

Whatsa matter, M'ette, you ain't Irish??   ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on March 21, 2008, 09:46:28 PM
Whatsa matter, M'ette, you ain't Irish??   ;D ;D ;D ;D

Maybe She is... :o :o :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 22, 2008, 02:07:39 AM
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was bitched at for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

 Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see ME for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be just fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dakotaranger on March 22, 2008, 02:23:02 AM
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was bitched at for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

 Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see ME for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be just fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


If it were me I'd rather not hear her for two or three days.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 22, 2008, 06:26:17 PM
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.  Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check ."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.  But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.  But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

  The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.  Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
 
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"


See -  Men just don't listen!

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 22, 2008, 06:28:47 PM
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.
 
As Ben Franklin said:  In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at
the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are
consuming 1 kilo of poop.
 
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum,
whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification
process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
 
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of crap.
 
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:  I'm doing it as
 a public service.

 




Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 22, 2008, 06:54:47 PM
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.
 
As Ben Franklin said:  In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at
the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are
consuming 1 kilo of poop.
 
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum,
whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification
process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
 
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of crap.
 
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:  I'm doing it as
 a public service.

 






I'll toast to that! (http://www.mazeguy.net/expressive/proposetoast.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on March 23, 2008, 01:58:02 AM
I'll toast to anything!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 23, 2008, 03:04:28 PM
A bus stops and 2 men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.  I come
once-a-more!  Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,
'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly.
'In this country. we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man.
'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how
to spell ' Mississippi '.'


 $ 5.00 says you're gonna read this again!


  ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 23, 2008, 03:06:48 PM
A bus stops and 2 men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.  I come
once-a-more!  Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,
'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly.
'In this country. we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man.
'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how
to spell ' Mississippi '.'


 $ 5.00 says you're gonna read this again!


  ;D



I owe ya! (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/sauer/angry-smiley-004.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on March 23, 2008, 08:01:05 PM
Yep....... five it is
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 23, 2008, 10:35:00 PM
Wow, $15 bucks so far, your raking it in on that joke  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 23, 2008, 10:39:01 PM
In reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him.
 The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whiskey you bitch."
The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whiskey for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee.
 As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whiskey you slut."
Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whiskey but still no coffee for the man.
 Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!"
 Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards.
 Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy bastard... "


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 24, 2008, 11:47:34 AM
Anybody got change for a twenty? ???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on March 24, 2008, 11:48:51 AM
Just send her the 20, and we'll owe ya ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 24, 2008, 11:53:24 AM
This Priest was walking down town one day and this "lady" comes up to him
and asks "How bout a quickie, Father", he said "No" and walked a little
farther when another "lady" stops him and asks "How bout a quickie, Father"
and again he replies "No" and continues his walk.  When he gets back to the
parish he meets one of the nuns and he says "Sister, what's a Quickie? "and
she replies, 50 cents, same as it is down town.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 24, 2008, 12:26:18 PM
Teresa, You owe me $5.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 24, 2008, 12:36:11 PM
That's okay.. I can pay you and still be ahead. LOL
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on March 24, 2008, 02:52:25 PM
Dan was a single guy living at home with his
Father and working in the family business. When he found out he was
Going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he
Needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted
The most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his
Breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said
To her, "But in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit
20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card
And three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than Men.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 24, 2008, 04:10:13 PM
Evil Wench >:(

Thought I'd better clean this up.  Not you Teresa, The lady in the last joke :-[
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 24, 2008, 04:13:27 PM
Evil Wench >:(

+ 10!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on March 24, 2008, 06:02:35 PM
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant t seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.


He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of t he creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid head against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on March 25, 2008, 11:39:01 AM
Dear Abby,

I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like he hates me. In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I am. But in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the "B" word. He constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up. I've tried everything, including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a diet and lost 20 pounds.

He quit his job a few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his office. He hasn't even looked for another job. We haven't slept together since I confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but everybody knew it. It was humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.

While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when to put it on the market. The house we want will be available in a few months. My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I think we should wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his stuff. Do you think he is planning to leave me?

Signed, Worried in NY






Dear Worried in NY:

I doubt it. He wants to move back into the White House as much as you do.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 25, 2008, 02:25:42 PM
There was a man who had worked all his life, had
saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his
money.
 
  Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When
I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.
I want to  take my money to the afterlife with me."
 
  And so he got his wife to promise him, with all
of her heart, that when he died, she would put  all of the money into
the casket with him.
 
  Well, he died. He was stretched out in the
casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend
was sitting next to her.  When they finished the ceremony, and just
before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
 
  "Wait just a moment!"
  She had a small metal box with her; she came
over with the box  and put  it in the casket. Then the undertakers
locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,
 
  "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put
all that money in there with your husband."
 
  The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a
Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going
to put that money into the casket with him."
 
  You mean to tell me you put that money in the
casket with him!?!?!?"

  "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all
together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check....
If he can cash it, then he can spend it."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 25, 2008, 02:38:38 PM
An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked
the waitress for a cup of coffee.   
 
The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, 
"Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
 
The waitress nodded "yes,".. so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of
coffee on him.
 
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He
shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a
cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked,
 "Is that Jesus over there?"
 
The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea,
"My treat."
 
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He
hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered,
 "Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!"

He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked,
 "Is that God's boy over there?"
 
The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold
glass of Coke, "On my bill."
 
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said,
"For your kindness, you are healed."
 
The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a
jig out the door.
 
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed."
 
The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands,
praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
 
Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. 
  The Redneck jumped up and yelled,   
"Don't touch me...I'm drawin' disability."

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 25, 2008, 02:57:23 PM
CLASSIC Redneck!!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on March 25, 2008, 07:50:59 PM
hillery and obama are on the same ship in the middle of the ocean, The ship sinks, Who is saved?...
Scroll down














AMERICA!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 26, 2008, 11:49:39 AM
Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor' s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.
Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: SlickRob on March 26, 2008, 09:55:39 PM
OK Marshal'ette, here's a cute one for ya.

Saturday was always daddy's day with his young daughter.  On this Saturday he had some errands, and took her along.  One of the stops was at the barbers.  When he was called to the chair he gave his daughter a snack to keep her occupied.

A few minutes later she went to stand beside her daddy.  The old barber looked down and said, "Now sweetheart, you know you're going to get hair on your twinkie."

She looked up and said, "Uh huh, and I'm gonna get boobies too!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 27, 2008, 02:13:41 AM
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."


 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 27, 2008, 02:42:01 AM
Some one just E-Mailed me a bunch of blonde jokes, But I'm not going to post them because Marshal'ette was kind enough to pull my name for a Ruger shirt and HAZCAT got me in enough trouble last weekend , How the HECK are we going to get ALL those car parts off the roof Haz?  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 27, 2008, 02:45:47 AM
Well maybe ONE,  This lady goes to see her Blonde freind who has 2 new dogs. The friend asks the dogs names and the blonde answers,"This one is Rolex and that one is Timex." The friend says" Why did you give them dumb names like that?" The blonde answers, "HELLOO OO, They're watch dogs."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 27, 2008, 06:15:46 AM
Some one just E-Mailed me a bunch of blonde jokes, But I'm not going to post them because Marshal'ette was kind enough to pull my name for a Ruger shirt and HAZCAT got me in enough trouble last weekend , How the HECK are we going to get ALL those car parts off the roof Haz?  ;D

Well, (http://www.mazeguy.net/expressive/scratchchin.gif) what we need is something to 'rake' the roof clean.

Hmmmm.....I got it! (http://www.mazeguy.net/expressive/brainiac.gif)  Chain shot fired at the same angle as the roof! (http://www.mazeguy.net/employed/pirate.gif)


Yeah, that should do it!(http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/huepfen/jumping-smiley-012.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 27, 2008, 10:10:48 AM
Some one just E-Mailed me a bunch of blonde jokes, But I'm not going to post them because Marshal'ette was kind enough to pull my name for a Ruger shirt and HAZCAT got me in enough trouble last weekend , How the HECK are we going to get ALL those car parts off the roof Haz?  ;D

Tom... you probably couldn't put any on here that I haven't heard ( or told myself)  ;D ;D

Well, (http://www.mazeguy.net/expressive/scratchchin.gif) what we need is something to 'rake' the roof clean.

Hmmmm.....I got it! (http://www.mazeguy.net/expressive/brainiac.gif)  Chain shot fired at the same angle as the roof! (http://www.mazeguy.net/employed/pirate.gif)


Yeah, that should do it!(http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/huepfen/jumping-smiley-012.gif)

THAT IS IT!!! >:(

MARSHAL!~~~~~~~~~~~~ (http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/116.gif)
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/105.gif)

And if that don't work to straighten him up and you let him out too early.. then I'll catch him later...

(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/108.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 27, 2008, 10:16:53 AM

UH OH!!! (http://www.mazeguy.net/surprised/jaw-dropping.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 27, 2008, 10:55:38 AM
Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge,
so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
 
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she
was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
 
When Walt was finished, Mary asked 'How much for that faucet?'
Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'
'My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed.
 
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her
to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.
 
From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'
Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'
 
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot .
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 27, 2008, 11:27:39 AM
Tom... you probably couldn't put any on here that I haven't heard ( or told myself)  ;D ;D

OK,  Blonde takes her car to the shop and tells the Mechanic it keeps sputtering and stalling. After he's been under the hood for a while she comes over and asks "Whats the story?" he tells her"Just crap in the carbutator." The blonde answers "OK, How often?"

Haz, I can get you a good deal on a file and a crash helmet ;D



THAT IS IT!!! >:(

MARSHAL!~~~~~~~~~~~~ (http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/116.gif)
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/105.gif)

And if that don't work to straighten him up and you let him out too early.. then I'll catch him later...

(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/108.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 27, 2008, 11:43:00 AM

Haz, I can get you a good deal on a file and a crash helmet ;D


Gee!  What a pal! ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 27, 2008, 06:59:34 PM
A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her.
She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

 "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
 "Yes, I do," she replies smiling.
Sniffling a little bit he continues.. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that, too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on March 27, 2008, 10:53:53 PM
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the
stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk.  I've heard that
flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger.'
<>
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said
to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
<>
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger.  'How about nuclear power?'
and he smiles. 
<>
'OK, ' she said.  'That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass -  Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do
you suppose that is?'
<>
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says,
<> 
'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies,
<> 
'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't
know shit?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 28, 2008, 12:27:35 AM
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs
 to file her taxes.

 The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few question.
 He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, 'What is your occupation?'
 
'I'm a whore,' she says.
 
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, 'No, No, No, that won't work.
Let's try to rephrase that'
 
The woman says 'OK, I'm a high-end call girl'.
 
'No, that still won't work. Try again.'
 
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, 'I'm an elite chicken farmer.'
 
The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?'
 
"Well", she said,"I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
 
'Chicken Farmer it is.'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 28, 2008, 01:44:48 AM
Gee!  What a pal! ::)

I try to be helpful  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bigpops on March 28, 2008, 12:07:16 PM
Two gay guys are standing at seperate urinals in the mens room.

One looks at the others privates, notices something odd and says "oohh, what happened to you?  Why the Band-aide?

The other replies "That's no Band-aide......it's the "patch"....I am down to two butts a day!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Grizzle_Bear on March 28, 2008, 01:27:38 PM
The other replies "That's no Band-aide......it's the "patch"....I am down to two butts a day!


DING! DING! DING! DING!

We have a winner for worst joke of the thread!


Grizzle Bear

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 28, 2008, 01:28:59 PM
But I smiled...  ;D
 and then I smiled bigger after the Ding Ding Ding Ding.. LOL
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on March 28, 2008, 01:39:05 PM
A woman decides to have a face-lift for her 50th birthday. She Spends

$5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she

stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the

clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I

am?"


"About 32," is the reply.


"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.


A little while later she goes into McDonald 's and asks the counter girl the
very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29."


The woman replies, "Nope. I'm 50."


Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store

on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some

mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh,

I'd say 30."


Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."


While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her
the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm almost 70 and my eye sight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your
bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."


They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best

of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."


He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around

very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast... He

gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
"Okay,okay...How old am I?"


He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and

says. "Madam, you are 50."


Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?'


The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"


"I promise I won't." she says.


He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on March 29, 2008, 09:04:44 PM
A man, returning home a day early from a
business trip, got into a taxi> at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his
home, he> asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife
was> having an affair, and he intended to catch her in the act.>> For $100, the
cabby agreed.>> Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and the cabby tiptoed
into> the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back>
and there was his wife in bed with another man.>> The husband put a gun to the
naked man's head. The wife shouted, 'Don't> do it! This man has been very
generous! I lied when I told you I> inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I
gave you. He paid for our> new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Pittsburgh
Steeler tickets.> He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country
club> membership, and he even pays for the month ly dues!'>> Shaking his head
from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun.> He looked over at the
cabby and said, 'What would you do?'>> The cabby said, 'I'd cover his ass with
that blanket before he catches a> cold.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 29, 2008, 09:31:04 PM
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.  The guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense he walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." 

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."


Here's the easy out to your fashion image Michael  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 29, 2008, 09:51:30 PM
The Reverends Jesse  Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary
school class, found  themselves in the middle of a discussion related to
words and their  meanings.

The teacher asked  both men if they would like to lead the discussion of
the word "tragedy".  So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for
an example of a  "tragedy".

One little boy  stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in  the field and a runaway tractor comes along and
knocks him dead,  that would be a tragedy."

"No," says the Great  Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl  raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff,  killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not,"  explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we
would call a great  loss." The room goes silent. No other children
volunteer.

Reverend Al  searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can
give me an example  of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back  of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a
stern voice he  says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and
Sharpton were  struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would
be a  tragedy."

Fantastic!"  exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can
you tell me why  that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little  Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a
great loss, and it  probably wouldn't be an accident either."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 29, 2008, 10:03:03 PM
Handy  Household  Cleaning  Tip

1.  Place 1/8 cup shampoo in the toilet;

2.  Place cat in toilet and QUICKLY close the lid;

3.  Stand on the lid;

Note:  Don't be concerned by the splashing and noises from the toilet - the cat loves this.

4.  Flush toilet three or four times to rinse;

5.  Have an assistant open the bathroom door and front door to house while clearing all people from the path between the two;

6.  Position yourself as far behind the toilet as possible;

7.  Quickly raise the lid;

The cat will exit the house and dry himself in the front yard - Don't worry - This is a completely natural act!

You will find that you not only have the cleanest toilet in the neighborhood, but your cat is shiny clean and fresh smelling. 
You also were able to do this without any sweat on your part.

This handy tip brought to you by ....


The  Dog
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on March 29, 2008, 10:09:00 PM
Handy  Household  Cleaning  Tip

1.  Place 1/8 cup shampoo in the toilet;

2.  Place cat in toilet and QUICKLY close the lid;

3.  Stand on the lid;

Note:  Don't be concerned by the splashing and noises from the toilet - the cat loves this.

4.  Flush toilet three or four times to rinse;

5.  Have an assistant open the bathroom door and front door to house while clearing all people from the path between the two;

6.  Position yourself as far behind the toilet as possible;

7.  Quickly raise the lid;

The cat will exit the house and dry himself in the front yard - Don't worry - This is a completely natural act!

You will find that you not only have the cleanest toilet in the neighborhood, but your cat is shiny clean and fresh smelling. 
You also were able to do this without any sweat on your part.

This handy tip brought to you by ....


The  Dog

Haz's normal Saturday night activities, I would say.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 29, 2008, 11:11:37 PM
Haz's normal Saturday night activities, I would say.

Yep he is shiny clean form the toilet scrubbing .. isn't that right Haz...
Haz?
Hazcat? You there?
HAZ?? ?? ?? ??
HAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ !!

Crap... ! Somebody get to the bathroom..Quick!  We forgot to lift the lid to let him out!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on March 30, 2008, 02:05:07 AM

Yep he is shiny clean form the toilet scrubbing .. isn't that right Haz...
Haz?
Hazcat? You there?
HAZ?? ?? ?? ??
HAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ !!

Crap... ! Somebody get to the bathroom..Quick!  We forgot to lift the lid to let him out!


Don't block the door, he has claws and a GUN !
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Neon Knight Anubis on March 30, 2008, 03:32:08 AM
Don't block the door, he has claws and a GUN !

Quick! Anybody have any catnip?!

Oh and before we all get mauled I owe Marshal'ette for the Mississippi joke, 500yen okay?

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 30, 2008, 06:34:35 AM
(http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Fun%20Stuff/catbath.jpg)

You'll pay for this!! (http://www.mazeguy.net/angry/punch.gif)...........You will ALL pay for this!! (http://www.mazeguy.net/angry/hissyfit.gif) (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/teufel/devil-smiley-033.gif)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 30, 2008, 06:46:19 AM
HEY GUYY(http://www.mazeguy.net/musical/note.gif)(http://www.mazeguy.net/musical/note.gif)YYYYS.... (M58, M'ette, Tom, Path, Anubis) I've got a friend that REALLY wants to meet y'all...(http://www.mazeguy.net/angry/mischievous.gif)






(http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Fun%20Stuff/tigerDM2805_468x680.jpg)

He doesn't like baths either! (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/teufel/devil-smiley-029.gif)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on March 30, 2008, 07:13:01 AM
Geez, smileys and mean cat pictures!

Updated - Everyone sing along -

I've - got - a - tiger by tail it's plain to see . . . . .  <insert musical note smileys here Haz >

(http://www.mazeguy.net/musical/note.gif) (http://www.mazeguy.net/musical/note.gif) (http://www.mazeguy.net/musical/note.gif) (http://www.mazeguy.net/musical/note.gif)

PS: Did it all by my lonesome!   :D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 30, 2008, 07:31:58 AM


Path, I can't do anything to your message if it is within a quote.  When I try to 'quote' your 'quote' it just shows up as an empty box like above.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Neon Knight Anubis on March 30, 2008, 07:43:40 AM
LOOK OUT! HE HAS BACKUP!!!


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 30, 2008, 08:05:38 AM
LOOK OUT! HE HAS BACKUP!!!




Oh, there are more...

(http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Fun%20Stuff/Catsniper.jpg)





Many more!!...

(http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Fun%20Stuff/RamboCat.jpg) (http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Fun%20Stuff/PBSword.jpg)

(http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Fun%20Stuff/cat_machine_gun_cat.jpg) (http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Fun%20Stuff/JahidKitty.jpg)

(http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Fun%20Stuff/vikingkitten1.jpg) (http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Fun%20Stuff/Vikingboatkitties.jpg)

(http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Fun%20Stuff/TigerFace.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Grizzle_Bear on March 30, 2008, 10:15:10 AM
Beware the Viking Kitties!


(And a tip o' the horned helmet to FreeRepublic!)


Grizzle Bear

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on March 30, 2008, 02:26:17 PM
Ah yes, fun and games with Photoshop.

I have no idea how my text got within your quotes. Too early this morning for me to get it right I guess. Oh well, just throw in the notes any old place. Come on, Haz, we know you have them. Check under your loafers . . . .   ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on March 30, 2008, 09:39:55 PM
Ah yes, fun and games with Photoshop.

I have no idea how my text got within your quotes. Too early this morning for me to get it right I guess. Oh well, just throw in the notes any old place. Come on, Haz, we know you have them. Check under your loafers . . . .   ;D ;D ;D

(http://www.mazeguy.net/musical/sing.gif)  (http://www.mazeguy.net/musical/note.gif) (http://www.mazeguy.net/musical/note.gif) (http://www.mazeguy.net/musical/note.gif) (http://www.mazeguy.net/musical/note.gif) ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 31, 2008, 04:06:44 PM
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

A r e  -  m y  -  t e s t  -  r e s u l t s  -  b a c k?





Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on March 31, 2008, 06:33:16 PM
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

A r e  -  m y  -  t e s t  -  r e s u l t s  -  b a c k?



Nice avatar. Did you post a joke? ? ? ?  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: CurrieS103 on March 31, 2008, 08:40:39 PM
But the question is...did the nurse find a 5 pound padlock....oops, wrong thread.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on March 31, 2008, 10:22:27 PM

But the question is...did the nurse find a 5 pound padlock....oops, wrong thread.

Oops... wrong gender...
  ;)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on March 31, 2008, 10:32:20 PM

Oops... wrong gender...
  ;)



I don't think that's what Marshall said, or was he complaining about some other lock problem?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 01, 2008, 01:25:04 AM
What?
Marshal said? What...who....where... Huh?


(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/oops.gif)
~~~~~

(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/82.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on April 01, 2008, 10:59:24 AM
A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into
the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her
jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her
screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and
hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering
from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker
brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says:
'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my
whole life.'
Why, it was nothing said the biker, really, the lion was behind bars.
I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.
I noticed a patch on your jacket said the journalist.
Yeah I ride with a Christian motorcycle club the biker replies.
Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you
know, and tomorrow papers will have this in first page. The
journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed
brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page: Biker gang
member assaults African immigrant and steals his lunch

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 01, 2008, 11:46:52 AM
Outlaw,

Just sent that one to my brother.  He is a minister and has a Christian biker club (Sons of God Motorcycle Club).
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on April 01, 2008, 05:57:22 PM
Haz, then he'll like this one as well:


An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down
and drinking from his farm pond.

The Amish farmer shouts:
"Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen."
(Translation: "Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it.")

The kneeling man shouts back:
"I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If
you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak in English."

The Amish farmer says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 02, 2008, 12:00:56 AM
George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.

George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."

George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"

So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.

George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.

George: *slurring is words*: "Ahhhh crap" ! The ole' lady ish gonna fhrow my ass out of the house for gettin drunk and pukin all over my bran new shirt!"

Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.

Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."

 George blinked a few times and weaved around and said, "Tha's a wunnerful idea. I'll do it!".

So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with his money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.

Georges wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"

George: "Honey, let me esplain! This ole drunken fool at the bar frew up aaaalllllllll over me and then he gave me 20 bucks to haf my new shirt cleaned."

His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.

George's wife: "Oh, Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"

George: *stggering, but holding her gaze... "Oh, well...tha's from the nother guy who shit in my pants."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 02, 2008, 09:28:05 PM

Why Parents Drink!!!!

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up predominately on the pillow that was addresses to 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and mom. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all of her piercings, tattoos, tight biker clothes and the fact that she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion.... Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said we will be very happy. She owns her own trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves an d trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry dad, I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm
sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son

P.S. none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you, Call me when it's safe to come home...
Have a Great weekend !

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 03, 2008, 12:23:24 AM
I was shopping at the local Super market where I selected:   

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,   
A head of romaine lettuce,   
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and   
A 1 lb. package of bacon.   
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk   
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the  cashier.   
 
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,   
'You must be single.'   
 
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the   
drunkin' derelicts intuition, since I was indeed single.

 I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my   
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.   
 
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said:
 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'   
 
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 03, 2008, 06:13:34 AM
That joke just doesn't work when you tell it, Sweetheart! ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Neon Knight Anubis on April 03, 2008, 06:34:47 AM
That joke just doesn't work when you tell it, Sweetheart! ;D

Agreed  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on April 03, 2008, 09:45:19 AM
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs.

A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?'

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them herself.

Men never learn.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on April 03, 2008, 02:59:54 PM
not really a joke, but a damn funny ad from back when smoking was cool.

(http://www.katize.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/att00037.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on April 03, 2008, 06:50:08 PM
Hell, I remember those days....90's, right ???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on April 03, 2008, 07:52:24 PM
Na, earlier than that.  Side burns are just a little long for the 90's
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 03, 2008, 08:18:42 PM
4 TRUTHS
 
During these serious times, people of all faiths 
should remember these four religious  truths:
 
1 Muslims do not recognize  Jews as God's chosen people.
 2. Jews do  not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
 3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian  world.
 4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 04, 2008, 02:59:13 AM
4 TRUTHS
 
During these serious times, people of all faiths 
should remember these four religious  truths:
 
1 Muslims do not recognize  Jews as God's chosen people.
 2. Jews do  not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
 3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian  world.
 4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters


I'm disapointed, Couldn't you find a way to offend Hindus, Buddists and agnostics as well ;D  By the way, after a few hits of "Ganga" Rastafarians don't recognize anything ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 04, 2008, 12:56:48 PM
Hey.. I don't write 'em.. I just post 'em.   :D

Wished I had written this one tho..


A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
 Amen!"

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 1P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
Dust,
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. Cooked the supper and cleaned up 4 messes the kids made in the living room.
After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Loaded and ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry, and started another load
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.
At 09 P.M .
He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
"Lord, I don't have any idea what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
 Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
Amen!"

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
 
"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.

(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/chuckle.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 04, 2008, 01:07:07 PM
God Said,... Adam I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."!

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "! What is it now?"

And Adam said


*



*


"What's a headache?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 04, 2008, 04:36:45 PM
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. 

He walked in;.............
She turned and said, 'Right NOW...You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

His eyes lit up and he thought, 'This is my lucky day.' 
Not wanting to lose the moment, he grabbed her up her and then gave it his all;   right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and immediately returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, 'What was that all about?'

She shrugged and said, 'The egg timer's  broken.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 04, 2008, 04:48:23 PM
Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and a U.S. Marine were all captured by terrorists in Iraq.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

Dan Rather said, 'Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili.' 
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili.
Rather ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'

Katie Couric said, 'I'm a reporter to the end.
I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.
Maybe someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end. '

 The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Couric dictated some comments.
She then said, 'Now I can die happy.'

The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?'

'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.

'What?' asked the leader? 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'

'No, I'm not kidding.
I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm
pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead.
 
In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4
carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire.
In a flash, the terrorists  were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
 
As the Marine was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him, 'Why
didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to
kick you in the ass first?'

'What?!,' replied the Marine, 'And have you two idiots report that I
was the aggressor?


This probably shouldn't be on the joke board.   :-\
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on April 04, 2008, 07:05:55 PM
Food for thought :

I was traveling between Chattanooga and Knoxville the other day (Just south of Sweetwater) when a tire blew out.Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat.My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?""Yes, I sure do," I replied"You a Republican or Democrat," asked the old man."Republican," I replied."Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican."The driver gave me the finger and drove off.

I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans.The next car to stop was a red convertible with Texas tags driven by a beautiful blonde.She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat."Democrat!", I shouted."Hop in!", replied the blonde.Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car."She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out."What's the matter?", she asked."I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 04, 2008, 08:28:50 PM
A MAN WALKS INTO A RESTAURANT
 
 A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
 
 The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
 
 "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
 
 A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $ 9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
 
 The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
 
 The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
 
 Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
 
 This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
 
 "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
 
 "Same," says the ostrich.
 
 Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
 
 Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
 
 The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.  How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
 
 "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered m= e two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
 
 "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
 
 "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
 
 The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
 
 The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 04, 2008, 10:26:56 PM
Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and a U.S. Marine were all captured by terrorists in Iraq.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

Dan Rather said, 'Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili.' 
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili.
Rather ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'

Katie Couric said, 'I'm a reporter to the end.
I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.
Maybe someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end. '

 The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Couric dictated some comments.
She then said, 'Now I can die happy.'

The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?'

'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.

'What?' asked the leader? 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'

'No, I'm not kidding.
I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm
pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead.
 
In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4
carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire.
In a flash, the terrorists  were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
 
As the Marine was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him, 'Why
didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to
kick you in the ass first?'

'What?!,' replied the Marine, 'And have you two idiots report that I
was the aggressor?


This probably shouldn't be on the joke board.   :-\

Sure it should.  It brought a smile to my face cause ya know what??  Our guys and girls ARE THAT GOOD!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 04, 2008, 10:32:32 PM
Sure it should.  It brought a smile to my face cause ya know what??  Our guys and girls ARE THAT GOOD!

And our press is that bad. >:(
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 06, 2008, 07:09:01 PM
There's no women on here.. but I don;t care.. I want to post this anyway.. ;D

This is an actual letter from an Austin, Texan woman
 sent to American company, Proctor and Gamble regarding
 their feminine products. She really gets rolling after
 the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors'
 choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.
 
 
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
 
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads
 for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their
 features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave
 absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or
 salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of
 running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
 But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
 Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
 enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be
 aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I
 feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my
 pants.
 
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?
 Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you
 haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right
 now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
 violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes
 from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed
 into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred
 hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body
 amazing?
 
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division,
 you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what
 exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits
 from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
 bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about
 our intense mood swings, crying jags, and
 out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a
 tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my
 friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
 boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just
 because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was
 written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
 
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that
  America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in
  Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my
 letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so
 painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out
 my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there,
 printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
 'Have a Happy Period.'
 
Are you f****** kidding me? What I mean is, does any
 part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think
 happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is
 possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
 mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well,
 did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick
 S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about
 a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin
 and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you
 don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a
 hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a
 blaze of glory.
 
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you
 have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't
 it make more sense to say something that's actually
 pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular
 Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
 
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that,
 effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in
 monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad
 business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss
 your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
 brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise
 I will keep.
 
Always. .. .
 
 Wendi
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 06, 2008, 07:14:31 PM
Dear Internal Revenue Service:

Enclosed you will find my 2008 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.

Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper; dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.

You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws).

One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A Satisfied Taxpayer
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 06, 2008, 07:26:29 PM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/cat1.jpg)


1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.  Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.    As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
 
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.   Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
 
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by cat.   Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.  Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.    Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.   Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.   Toss back another shot.  Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
 
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.  Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.  Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 

14. Consume remainder of scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.   Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

 
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/cat2.jpg)



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



How To Give A Dog A Pill
 

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Grizzle_Bear on April 06, 2008, 08:21:40 PM


Cats......the Other White Meat!


 ;D

Grizzle Bear

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on April 07, 2008, 10:43:45 AM
They Walk Among Us and Many Work  Retail

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I Gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor.
She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again.  I gave her the Money bac k same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail

I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get- one-free coupon for a Grande Latte.  I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one- get-one-free, ' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.

They Walk Among Us!

One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where?'


They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.  She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the North?'  ; When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.'

They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, 'The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.' He responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?' Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, Pacific.'

They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.


They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%.  Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.  The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.  'Now,' she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?'

They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'

 



Yep, They Walk Among Us!




They Walk Among Us,
and they Reproduce,
and Worst of all
.....they Vote!



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 07, 2008, 10:59:17 AM
And they run for office.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on April 07, 2008, 12:02:40 PM
Started as an accidental automatic response on my part, but has turned into a fun joke many of us play:

Next time your in a store checking out, count out your cash as you pay the clerk (just as we would all like to have our change counted to us), and when they give you your change and receipt in one pile stuck in your had look them in the eye and say "Thank you, come again!"

The look of total confussion on the clerks face is priceless.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Grizzle_Bear on April 07, 2008, 12:08:18 PM
 Camilla's Shoes


Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to their room.

Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling. One's feet are killing One.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour . . . . But it would not budge.

'Harder' yelled Camilla, 'Harder'

Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'There! Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said 'See I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this one's even tighter'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen 'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a navy man!'


Grizzle Bear

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on April 07, 2008, 06:54:42 PM
OK, I was laughing hysterically when I read M'ette's post about giving a cat a pill, almost had a heart attack laughing when I read the dog part. When I hit Grizzle Bear's comment I damn near fell out of my chair laughing.

Good Thread!!

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 08, 2008, 03:39:51 AM
OK, I was laughing hysterically when I read M'ette's post about giving a cat a pill, almost had a heart attack laughing when I read the dog part. When I hit Grizzle Bear's comment I damn near fell out of my chair laughing.

Good Thread!!

 ;D

I ALWAYS SAVE THIS THREAD FOR LAST  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 08, 2008, 09:43:09 PM
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace ,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this ....)

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU!
 
Title: A buddy of mine sent me this
Post by: jerry on April 08, 2008, 09:52:38 PM


 
Top this for a speeding ticket

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting
speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine
Corps Air Station at Miramar . One of the officers was using
a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles
approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun
began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to
reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then
turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the tree tops revealed that
the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet
which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a
complaint to the USMC Base Commander.  The reply came
back in true USMC style:

Thank you for your letter.
We can now complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in
the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently
locked-on to your hostile radar equipment and automatically
sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed
aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment
location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the
situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile
system alert status and was able to override the automated
defense system before the missile was launched to destroy
the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing
at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high
tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun,
should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears
the filling is loose.  Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern.
Semper Fi.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on April 08, 2008, 10:01:16 PM
Yo Jerry,  Waaayyy Coool. Best in a long time...(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/grupos.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 09, 2008, 09:46:53 AM
That is just the best..   ;D   I will be passing this on ..(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/thumup.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 10, 2008, 03:56:47 PM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/ATT1.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 10, 2008, 04:36:37 PM
(http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Fun%20Stuff/prep_h.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 10, 2008, 10:49:49 PM
Lost Sinatra song - you got to hear this.

They should play this at all airports.

Turn sound on and Click on - 
 
http://www.animatronics.org/strangers/strangers.htm

(words included)   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 10, 2008, 11:22:58 PM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/cow2.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Marshal Halloway on April 10, 2008, 11:58:27 PM
The International Council of Man Laws.


1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.



2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

  (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

  (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.

  (c) After wrecking your boss's car.

  (d) When she is using her teeth.

 

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed

and eaten by his friends.

 

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off

limits forever unless you actually marry her.

 

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.

However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

 

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another

man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

 

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not

the weakest.

 

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may

ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's

playing.

 

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have

brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the

purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven),

she's officially your girlfriend.

 

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're

sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model

and only when it's free.

 

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed

to kick another guy in the nuts.

 

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

 

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever!! Issue closed.

 

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

 

 15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as

spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to

 drink as much as the other sports watchers.

 

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must

remain sober enough to fight.

 

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of

pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

 

18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking

about his choice of beer.

 

19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of

yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

 

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing

i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other

situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you

need.

 

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer

than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.

Hang up if necessary.

 

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend'

have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird

and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the

discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

 

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable

for her to drive yours.

 

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime,

green, orange or sky blue.

 

25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for

Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an

X/box 360.

 End of story.

 

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever!

 

27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

* 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the

guys,being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say,

'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

* 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys

smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your

wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next!'

 

I hope this clears up any confusion..
Marshal H.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on April 11, 2008, 06:07:21 AM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/cow2.gif)

I had cows like that - dumb as a sack of hammers. And they could kick, so you did have to prove your intelligence by staying out of their way while still getting yours.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 11, 2008, 06:57:49 AM
I had cows like that - dumb as a sack of hammers. And they could kick, so you did have to prove your intelligence by staying out of their way while still getting yours.

I don't think I want to know what is meant by "still getting yours".  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 11, 2008, 07:03:39 AM
The International Council of Man Laws.


 

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not

the weakest.

 



Men don't ride in a mini-bus, they rent an RV!   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 11, 2008, 02:01:44 PM
I don't think I want to know what is meant by "still getting yours".  :o


Haz,, that is what I was thinking..................
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. Pathfinder??~~??  I am more than a little worried about you..
And I don't know if I even want to hear you try to explain.  :-X

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 11, 2008, 02:02:19 PM
This is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have
it published in the New York Times.
  (verified by Snopes)



Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last Month. By my calculations, three
nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the
arrival in my account Of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to
the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which,
I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended
for seizing that brief WIndow of opportunity, and also for debiting my
account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me
to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your
telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has
become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to
open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I
require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages,
but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled
it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account
balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON
FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

# 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

# 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping

# 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

# 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that
Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

# 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

# 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The
contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.

# 10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on
occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration Of the call regrettably, but again following your
example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this
new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman)
'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE " US SENIORS" !!!!!

And remember; Don't make old ladies mad. They don't
like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set them off.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 11, 2008, 02:45:16 PM
If you were around in 1919 (just before Prohibition started) and your gender was male......
and you came upon the following poster.........


Would you quit drinking ?

 

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/prohibition.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 11, 2008, 02:53:59 PM
My only response would be .......

WHO'S GOT THE TEQUILA?? ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on April 11, 2008, 03:19:18 PM
I sure hope this works.  I'm lucky to know how to turn a computer on, but that's not the joke today.

This is an updated version of a classic ...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on April 11, 2008, 03:21:31 PM
If you were around in 1919 (just before Prohibition started) and your gender was male......
and you came upon the following poster.........


Would you quit drinking ?

 

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/prohibition.jpg)

BEER - Helping the ugly get laid since 1845!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on April 11, 2008, 03:51:05 PM
If you were around in 1919 (just before Prohibition started) and your gender was male......
and you came upon the following poster.........


Would you quit drinking ?

 

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/prohibition.jpg)


I would have to drink to kiss them.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on April 11, 2008, 04:50:11 PM
GRANDMA'S BIRTH CONTROL

This doctor had been seeing an 80 year old woman for
most of her life. He finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring
a list of all her medications that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his
eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control
pills.

'Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL
pills?'

'Yes, they help me sleep at night.'

'Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING
in these that could possibly help you sleep.'

She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee.
'Yes, dear, I know that.
But every morning, I grind one up and mix it the glass
of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter
drinks....................and believe me, it helps me sleep at night.'

You Gotta Watch Them Grandmas..........God Love Them

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on April 11, 2008, 06:36:02 PM
I don't think I want to know what is meant by "still getting yours".  :o

Nice try, Loafer Boy!!!   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on April 11, 2008, 06:39:57 PM

Haz,, that is what I was thinking..................
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. Pathfinder??~~??  I am more than a little worried about you..
And I don't know if I even want to hear you try to explain.  :-X

 ;D ;D ;D


Hey, don't knock it if you haven't tried it.  ;D

Moving the cows from pasture to pasture, corralling them, loading and unloading them, not necessarily in that order; feeding them, getting them out of the way so you can put a salt block out, stuff like that.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 11, 2008, 09:10:22 PM
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."   

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 11, 2008, 09:57:18 PM
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose."
The woman did as she was told.
 "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr.Chang then said, "OK,now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
 Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 11, 2008, 11:20:04 PM
If you were around in 1919 (just before Prohibition started) and your gender was male......
and you came upon the following poster.........


Would you quit drinking ?

 

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/prohibition.jpg)



What sighted person would even consider kissing those dour old biddies. You would think that women that homely would encourage drunkenness to avoid the stigma of spinster hood.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 12, 2008, 12:39:29 AM
Two Mexicans are riding along the Pacific Coast
Highway on a motorbike.  They experience a break
down and start to hitch a ride. A friendly trucker
stops to see if he can be of some help and the
Mexicans ask him for a lift. The driver tells them
he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying
10,000 bowling balls.  The Mexicans ask that if they
can manage to fit in the back with their bike, will
he take them to the next town and he agrees.

 
They manage to squeeze their motorcycle and
themselves into the back of the trailer so the
driver shuts the doors and gets back on his way. By
this time he is really late and so he puts the pedal
down.   Sure enough, the California Highway Patrol pulls him
over for speeding. The good officer asks the driver
what he is carrying, to which he replies jokingly,
"Mexican eggs."  The policeman obviously doesn't
believe this, so he wants to take a look. He opens
the back door of the trailer and quickly shuts it
and locks it.  He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup
from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher
asks what emergency he has that requires so many
officers. 
"I've got a trailer with 10,000 Mexican eggs in it .
Only 2 have hatched so far, but they've already
managed to steal a motorcycle."


 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on April 12, 2008, 06:05:54 AM


What sighted person would even consider kissing those dour old biddies. You would think that women that homely would encourage drunkenness to avoid the stigma of spinster hood.

Like Seinfeld said, 95% of the world is undateable - have you been to the DMV lately?.

Elaine: "So how are they all getting together?"

Seinfeld: "Alcohol!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jerry on April 12, 2008, 06:36:33 AM
CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite
her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time
the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the
driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for
himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on
the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a
sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she
moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the
swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that
said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that
said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jerry on April 12, 2008, 07:30:20 AM
Definition of tools

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh darn!"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. Can also be used to cut its own power cord.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Also used to pinch soft flesh into blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Additionaly useful for trimming fingernails below the growth line.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub from which you wish to remove the bearing.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

METAL SNIPS: A tool used for cutting crooked lines in metal where you want straight ones.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on April 12, 2008, 08:05:38 AM
Jerry,

This is supposed to be a JOKE thread....not a list of the most accurate definitions I have ever read! ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on April 12, 2008, 08:40:39 AM
That is an exact list of Christmas presents my doctor(s) have given me to insure their cash flow.

At last count I am the sole provider of three pontoon boats, an African Safari, two motorcycles, half interest in a Cessna, and a lake cabin on the edge of the Boundary Waters.  Do you have any idea what a cut tendon in the finger costs when all you were trying to do was fix the wife's garage door?  I currently have an eight penny stainless steel finish nail in my dresser drawer.  Oh yea, and I can get you a copy of the x-ray of a broken toe (heavy hitch on a gravity box and some idiot put his foot under it), and I can still hear the chuckling voice saying "yup ... you broke it, but there is nothing we do for those ... do you have a cane or should I write a prescription" (same voice that is six feet under in oak).

However, it is well known and understood that the last doctor that told me I was fat and out of shape is buried in a real purdy casket, and I put him there.  I don't care if it's true ... I just don't need to hear if from someone I'm supporting!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 12, 2008, 10:18:24 AM
A biker is  riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.  Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull
Her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.   
 
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the
Nose with  a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back
Letting go of  the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him  endlessly.
 
A New York Times reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the  biker, says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do  in my whole life.'
 
'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt  right.'
 
'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed.  I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on  the first page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do  you have?'
 
'A Harley Davidson and I am a Republican. '
 
The  journalist leaves.
 
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first  page:  BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS  HIS LUNCH

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 12, 2008, 10:44:09 AM
Beer Ad

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/beer.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 12, 2008, 12:42:53 PM
Pretty much how it would be at this house..  ;D ;D ;D


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/cartoon.jpg)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on April 12, 2008, 01:25:39 PM
Important Zen teachings

 

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

 2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

 3. No one is listening until you fart.

 4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

 5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

 6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

 7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

 8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

 11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

 12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

 13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

 14. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.

 15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

 16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

 17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

 18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just get worse.

 20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 13, 2008, 07:08:42 PM
President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'

Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?

Why kill a blonde with big tits?'

Bush turns to the bartender and says,

'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims'.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 13, 2008, 09:47:51 PM
Marshal,
This one is for you. ;)
Of course it would be better in March. But . . . .


WHY ST. PATRICK'S DAY IS CELEBRATED EACH YEAR IN AMERICA

 
The reason the Irish celebrate St. Patrick's Day is because this is when St. Patrick drove the Norwegians out of Ireland.

 
It seems that some centuries ago, many Norwegians came to Ireland to escape the bitterness of the Norwegian winter.

 
Ireland was having a famine at the time, and food was scarce. The Norwegians were eating almost all the fish caught in the area, leaving the Irish with nothing to eat but potatoes. St. Patrick, taking matters into his own hands, as most Irishmen do, decided the Norwegians had to go.

 
Secretly, he organized the Irish IRATRION (Irish Republican Army to Rid Ireland of Norwegians).

 
Irish members of IRATRION passed a law in Ireland that prohibited merchants from selling ice boxes or ice to the Norwegians, in hopes that their fish would spoil. This would force the Norwegians to flee to a colder climate where their fish would keep. Well, the fish spoiled, all right, but the Norwegians, as every one knows today, thrive on spoiled fish. So, faced with failure, the desperate Irishmen sneaked into the Norwegian fish storage caves in the dead of night and sprinkled the rotten fish with lye, hoping to poison the Norwegian invaders.
 

But, as everyone knows, the Norwegians thought this only added to the flavor of the fish, and they liked it so much they decided to call it "lutefisk", which is Norwegian for "luscious fish".

 
Matters became even worse for the Irishmen when the Norwegians started taking over the Irish potato crop and making something called "lefse". Poor St. Patrick was at his wit's end, and finally on March 17th, he blew his top and told all the Norwegians to "GO TO HELL".

 
So they all got in their boats and emigrated to Minnesota and the Dakotas ---- the only other paradise on earth where smelly fish, old potatoes and plenty of cold weather can be found in abundance.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Marshal Halloway on April 14, 2008, 11:03:38 AM

That was a good one..  ;D

On the subject of the Irish....

Irish Misunderstanding

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father barked at her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer poor, poor dear Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and...."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" said Dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute, Dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer dear old Dad a hug!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 14, 2008, 02:57:55 PM
After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good
time.
 Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and thinks she's in love.
Hillary said, 'You didn't have sex, did you'?
Chelsea said, 'Not according to Dad.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 14, 2008, 03:16:01 PM
No matter what situations life throws at you...No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem...
Remember, there is a light at the end of the tunnel... ! 


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/flashlightdog.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 14, 2008, 05:07:07 PM
Last one for the day:


Chester and Earl are going hunting.
Chester says to Earl, 'I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting.' So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.
Chester says, 'Well I'm not going to go out. He saw only two ducks out there.'

Earl says, 'You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?' Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, 'I don't believe it! Where did you get that dog? There really were only two ducks out there!'

Chester says, 'Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too.'

 So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has.

The breeder obliges, and Earl brings the dog home, and tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in its mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and  says, 'This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!'

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says, 'Earl, he was trying to tell you that there are more f***in' ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 15, 2008, 10:03:50 AM
Old  Matt

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called  Matt  the computer guy, to come over.  Matt  clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
 
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
 
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
 
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again?"

Matt  grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down. I D 1 0 T

I used to like  Matt .
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 15, 2008, 10:36:32 AM
A commercial jet is making its final approach to Tampa.  The pilot comes on the intercom...
"This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa.  I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area".
He forgets to switch off the intercom.  Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?"
"Well," says the Captain, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a huge crap.  Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out to dinner.  I'm gonna wine and dine her, then take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long ."
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears the exchange. They all begin looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is the pilot is talking about.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.  She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the front of the aircraft to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag, and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says, "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jerry on April 15, 2008, 12:38:39 PM
Happy Tax Day everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;D

The government announced today that it is changing its
emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the
government's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys
the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives
you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

***********************

Tax day -- April 15 -- was looming when an elderly woman showed up at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" the clerk asked.
"My son is stationed overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the Marines on the base."
"You shouldn't have to do this," the clerk told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need."
"I know," said the woman. "I'm the base commander's mother."

***********************

The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of
government. (Barry M. Goldwater)

***********************

There is a difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist -- the
taxidermist leaves the hide. (Mortimer Caplan)

***********************

I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a
toilet seat. (Sue Murphy)

***********************

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and
miss. (Robert Heinlein)

***********************

A fine is a tax for doing something wrong. A tax is a fine for doing
something right.

***********************

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should
be happier than others. (Oscar Wilde)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on April 15, 2008, 05:33:17 PM
"Women don't want to hear what you think. They want to hear what they think, but in a deeper voice."

-Bill Cosby
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on April 15, 2008, 08:58:20 PM
"Women don't want to hear what you think. They want to hear what they think, but in a deeper voice."

-Bill Cosby

And thats the TRUTH
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on April 17, 2008, 12:16:37 PM
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 18, 2008, 10:53:14 AM


Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Marine are all working together one day. They come across a lantern ....

And a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you
one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in
Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in
Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye,
there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Marine says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me
more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely
surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Marine sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, 'Fill it with water.'

I pretty much vote this my favorite e- mail of the
year...
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 19, 2008, 01:39:44 AM
Ahhh I apologize beforehand about this not being a very ladylike joke to tell ... but as usual... (http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/erst060.gif) what can I say? I am just ..wellll.. you know how I am.  I just hopeless..   ;D :-\


A woman went to her doctor for advice.She told him that
her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure
that it was such a good idea.
'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.
 'Actually,  yes, I do, she said.'
 'Does it hurt you?' he asked.
'No, she replied.. I rather like it.'
 'Well, then,' the  doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't
practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you  take care not to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'

'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think liberals come from?'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jerry on April 19, 2008, 08:03:04 AM
Ms M, that's a good one
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 19, 2008, 08:11:47 AM
Ahhh I apologize beforehand about this not being a very ladylike joke to tell ... but as usual... (http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/erst060.gif) what can I say? I am just ..wellll.. you know how I am.  I just hopeless..   ;D :-\


A woman went to her doctor for advice.She told him that
her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure
that it was such a good idea.
'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.
 'Actually,  yes, I do, she said.'
 'Does it hurt you?' he asked.
'No, she replied.. I rather like it.'
 'Well, then,' the  doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't
practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you  take care not to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'

'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think liberals come from?'




That really does explain a lot.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 19, 2008, 09:54:22 AM
LOL, LMAO,
Marshal'ette, :-*
That was a really great one. As Tom says it explains a lot.
It almost seems to be too true.
Still laughing. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Neon Knight Anubis on April 19, 2008, 11:14:39 AM

That really does explain a lot.  ;D

"Yes, great source of wisdom this woman is."


Hey where's Frank Oz? I need him to say that in his Yoda voice.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on April 20, 2008, 11:55:49 AM
(http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e330/m58/GovSymbol.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on April 21, 2008, 11:17:49 AM
(http://i285.photobucket.com/albums/ll72/oojimmyc/Brazillion.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on April 21, 2008, 11:27:47 AM
Possibly the funniest story in a while. This is a bricklayer's accident
report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story.
Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the
cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust
the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my
work, found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later,
were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carr y the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the
building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the
barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied
the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175
lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost
my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say,
I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now
proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken
collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was
able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a
great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight
of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming
up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and
several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the
pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and
let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Bill Fuller
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on April 22, 2008, 11:45:43 AM
Stoled this from a different forum.....

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help because I was tired. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door because she's suppose to be good at this sort of thing and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing. Then she runs home and brings back this contraption that's suppose to be guaranteed to work every time. Still nothing. The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get that damn lid off that jar.'


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 22, 2008, 03:28:23 PM
Hillary and Obama were in a boat going down the river. 
The river was extremely rough. 
The boat capsized.
 Who was saved?

 




SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWER
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
AMERICA
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 22, 2008, 08:10:16 PM

 After 15 years of marriage a husband and wife came for counseling. When
asked that the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had
been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy,
emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry
list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
 
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to
stand, he embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and
quietly sat down as though in a daze.
 
The therapist turned to the husband and said, This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you make this happen?
 
The husband thought for a moment and replied, Well, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on April 22, 2008, 09:15:31 PM
This eastern tenderfoot decides to move out west to make his fortune. He finds a small town that has had a gold strike and settles in. After being there for a couple of months he starts to get some "Manly urges" and goes to town, where he finds out there aren't any women. He asks the local storekeep what they do to satisfy their urges and is told , "Well, we go see Ol Fong, the chinaman, The tenderfoot is taken aback by this news and says No thanks, I don't go for that kind of stuff and he returns to his camp. After a couple more months He's back in town to see if any women have arrived and is told No, But there's still Ol Fong the chinaman. The tenderfoot is REALLY in a bad way for relief and asks the store keep "Who would know about this if I went to see Ol Fong?" The storekeeper thinks for a while and replies "Well, There'd be You, Me, Ol Fong of course and 2 other guys", The tenderfoot looks at him and asks, Why 2 other guys? The storekeeper says " Well To hold down Ol Fong , He don't go for that stuff either"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 23, 2008, 12:24:17 AM
The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians...

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great

Lone Ranger.  In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
 But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.

 What is your first request?'

 The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

 The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
  Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

 As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

 The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 
'You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.  What is your second request?'

 The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.  Silver is brought to him, and once again he whispers in the horse's ear.   As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

 Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.  She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and also spends the night.

 The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. He tells the Lone Ranger, 'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow.  'So what is your last request?'

 The Lone Ranger responds,
'I'd like to speak to my horse.... alone.'

 The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

 Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says:
'Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse.
For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE'.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on April 23, 2008, 12:58:57 PM
THE GORILLA AND THE REDNECK
A small zoo in Indiana obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla
available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee , like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their
offer, but only under five conditions:
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The
keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the
$500.00."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ron J on April 23, 2008, 02:25:59 PM
My apologies if this was previously posted and I missed it ...

Subject: From a Danish Friend
 

"We in   Denmark cannot figure out why you  are even bothering to hold an election.

On one side, you have a bitch  who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a true war hero married  to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.

Is  there a contest here?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on April 23, 2008, 04:13:28 PM
Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
 
A Message from John Cleese (British comedian) (FawltyTowers)
 
To: The citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
 
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary so you know what is happening. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
 -----------------------
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
 ------------------------
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'  You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.
 -------------------
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
 -----------------
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
 ----------------------
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wi sh to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
 ----------------------
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand and see what we mean. Holden Monaro's are also approved.
 ---------------------
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts
and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
 --------------------
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
 -------------------
10. You will learn to make real c hips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
 -------------------
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British
Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
 ------------------- --
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a
Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
 ---------------------
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).  Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
 ---------------------
14. Further, you will stop playing base ball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. (well there is that Toronto thing I suppose... but they're nearly all bloody Yanks anyway)
Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
 --------------------
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
 -----------------
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
 ---------------
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cake s; strawberries in season.

 God Save the Queen. Only He can. 
 


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on April 23, 2008, 07:06:20 PM
Nick and Sarah decided that they should get a pet for their teen daughters. Sarah went to a pet store and when she walked in there was this beautiful parrot with a price tag of $50. She asked the shop keep why the low price. He said that the parrot had been raised in a brothel and that it's language wasn't alway clean. She figured what the heck, how bad could it be and bought the parrot. She took it home and removed the cover to the cage. The parrot looked around and said "New Home, New Madam" This shocked Sarah, but then she realized that it was a product of where it was raised and laughed it off. A littlt while later Sarah's teen daughters came home, The parrot looked at them and said "New Home, New Madam, New Girls" This too was laughed off once explained to the girls. Later that night Nick came home and the parrot looks at him and says "New Home, New Madam, New Girls, HI NICK"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Marshal Halloway on April 24, 2008, 02:17:55 PM
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.
 
She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no
one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
 
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs.
She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
 
'Excuse me, miss,' said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel,
out of breath from running up the stairs.
 
'The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much
appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.
 
 'What difference does it make?' Joan asked rather calmly. 'No one can see me up
 here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel.'
 

Not exactly, said the embarrassed man. 'You're lying on the dining room skylight.'


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 24, 2008, 02:22:05 PM
After a relaxing bath...Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror...

Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her...

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help...
'God....If you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,' She prayed...

And just like that... her ears fell off...


 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: wisconsin on April 24, 2008, 05:38:10 PM
Thats sick. But good
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 25, 2008, 01:15:43 AM
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/chuckle.gif)


(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/topless.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 25, 2008, 10:01:44 AM
Be careful what you wish for….   
   

       

 

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up.
 
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
 
Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
 
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
 
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you."
 
The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
 
The next morning bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton at his side.
 
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
 
God is Good. 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 25, 2008, 11:28:06 AM
I know I know.. I just keep digging myself into that unlady like hole deeper and deeper...   :-[
(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/Hole.gif)


Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
 
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
 
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
 
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
 
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
 
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
 
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
 
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
 
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
 
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
 
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
 
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
 
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
 
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
 
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
 
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
 
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on April 25, 2008, 11:50:21 AM
Before Marriage
John - Ah... At last. I can hardly wait!
Jane - Do you want me to leave?
John - NO! Don't even think about it.
Jane - Do you love me?
John - Of course! Always have and always will!
Jane - Jave you ever cheated on me?
John - NO! Why are you even asking?
Jane - Will you kills me?
John - Every chance I get!
Jane - Will you hit me?
John - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Jane - Can I trust you?
John - Yes
Jane - Darling!


After Marriage
Read from the bottom back to the top.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 26, 2008, 10:41:20 AM
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," She replied.

"Oh that!  That is nothing. Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," He explained.

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied......."Your horse called."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 26, 2008, 11:34:06 AM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/hilary.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 26, 2008, 03:29:30 PM
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens  8)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 27, 2008, 11:14:59 AM
There are less than eight months until the election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States. The person elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans. To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice.
 
     It's time that we all came together, Democrats and Republicans alike.
 
      If you support the policies and character of John McCain, please drive with your headlights on during the day. If you support Obama or Hillary, please drive with your headlights off at night.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 27, 2008, 12:02:21 PM
Two Ways to Look at Things

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
And I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table. 
My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend.  I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on Celebrating that long?'

So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 29, 2008, 03:27:06 PM
WALKING AND BEER

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year.
   
Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.
   
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
   
Kind of makes you proud to be an American, doesn't it.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on April 29, 2008, 03:57:13 PM
Two Ways to Look at Things

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
And I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table. 
My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend.  I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on Celebrating that long?'

So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything
.  ;D


Yes, there is a woman's perspective and then there is reality - Nobody tell me wife I said that, ok.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 29, 2008, 04:12:41 PM
You will all get a kick out of this ........
the $2 Bill.
Everyone should start carrying them! I think we need to quit
saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public. We could have a lot of fun! The
younger generation doesn't know they exist.

STORY: On my way home from work, I stopped
at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and
a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not
have to worry about any one getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill.

Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go."

Server: "That'll be $1.04. Eat in?"
Me: "No, it's to go."

At this point, I open my billfold and hand
him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.

Server: "Uh, hang on a sec,
I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot.
The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"

Manager: "No... A what?"

Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."

Manager: "Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill."

Server: "Yeah, thought so." He comes back to me and says,
"We don't take these.Do you have anything else?"

Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"

Server: "I don't know."

Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"

Server: "Yeah."

Me: "So, why won't you take it?"

Server: "Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager, who has been
watching me like I'm a shoplifter,
and says to him, "He says I have to take it."

Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"

Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get
change"

Manager: "I'm not opening the safe with him in here."

Server: "What should I do?"

Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has real money."
Server: "I can't tell him that! You tell him."

Manager: "Just tell him."

Server: "No way! This is weird.
I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me and says,
"I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night."

Me: "It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill."

Manager: "We don't take those, either."

Me: "Why not?"

Manager: "I think you know why."

Me: "No really, tell me why."

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "Excuse me?"

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "What on earth for?"

Manager: "Please, sir."

Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."

Manager: "Would you please just leave?"

Me: "No."

Manager: "Fine -- have it your way then."

Me: "Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?"
At this point, he backs away from me and
calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people
staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for
effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.

Guard: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
Manager (whispering): "This guy is trying
to give me some (pause) funny money."
Guard: "No kidding! What?"

Manager: "Get this.... A two dollar bill."

Guard (incredulous): "Why would a guy fake
a two dollar bill?"
Manager: "I don't know…. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing
he has
is a fifty."
Guard: "Oh, so the fifty's fake!"
Manager: "No, the two dollar bill is.."

Guard: "Why would he fake a two dollar
bill?"
Manager: "I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of
here?"
Guard: "Yeah."

Security Guard walks over to me and......

Guard: "Mike here tells me you have some
fake bills you're trying to use."

Me: "Uh, no."

Guard: "Lemme see 'em."
Me: "Why?"

Guard: "Do you want me to get the cops in
here?"
At this point I am ready to say, "Sure, please!" but I want to eat,
 so I say "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with
this two dollar bill. I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches
like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes
the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says, "Hey, Mike,
what's wrong with this bill?"

Manager: "It's fake."
Guard: "It doesn't look fake to me."

Manager: "But it's a two dollar bill."

Guard: "Yeah?"

Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and I both look at him
like he's an idiot, and it dawns on
the guy that he has no clue..
So, it turns out that my burrito was free,
and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.

Made me want to get a whole stack of two
dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got
the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail.
You get free food there, too.

Just think...those two will be voting soon........................................  ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on April 29, 2008, 05:04:40 PM
Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on
his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The
insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a
nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show
him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' So then the rancher leaves
for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on
the front door. Amy takes him down to the bar n. They walk along the row
of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the
one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another
ditzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how di d you know this is the
cow to be bred?'

'That's simple. By the nail over its stall.' Amy explains very
confidently.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says,


'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on April 29, 2008, 05:39:19 PM
You will all get a kick out of this ........
the $2 Bill.
Everyone should start carrying them! I think we need to quit
saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public. We could have a lot of fun! The
younger generation doesn't know they exist.


Thats all they use at strip clubs now. If you get change at the bar or whenever your buy a drink or something, they give you $2 bills instead of ones. I guess some stripper who was "putting herself through business school" figured out that you double your tips if everyone in the club has $2 bills instead of $1 bills.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on April 30, 2008, 03:16:50 AM
Don't laugh, it's true ???  was sitting beside the cash register last Fall, This was a women in her 30's, Had never seen one before. Some one tried to pay her with 2 of them, The manager and I both assured her they were real and then bought them from her  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 30, 2008, 11:20:17 AM
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge
 in Bozeman, Montana, while awaiting their respective flights. One is an
 American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a cowboy on
 his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a
 fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University
 from the Middle East.
 
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.
 Soon, the two westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim
 and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
 
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At
 one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
 
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people
 were few ," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
 
The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and
 from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl. "That's
 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's
 a-comin'."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on April 30, 2008, 11:21:45 AM
Thats all they use at strip clubs now.


Guess you just told on yourself there..(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/112.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on April 30, 2008, 07:43:03 PM
(http://i285.photobucket.com/albums/ll72/oojimmyc/beersign.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on April 30, 2008, 07:44:33 PM
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled
the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He
gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from  the bed. Leaning
against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with
greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with
both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table
were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it
heaven????

Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it
that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he
threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made
its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked
with a spatula by his wife. 

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on April 30, 2008, 08:25:29 PM
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled
the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He
gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from  the bed. Leaning
against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with
greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with
both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table
were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it
heaven????

Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it
that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he
threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made
its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked
with a spatula by his wife. 

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

Hey, that's the white bread version of my Lena and Ole joke. Still funny!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 01, 2008, 12:35:26 AM

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.  I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.  So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.  I yelled, 'Now, back off, or I'll kick the sh*t out of all of you!'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Couple of minutes ago."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 01, 2008, 02:31:25 PM
Morale Boosters at the work place.!

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/MoraleBoaster.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on May 01, 2008, 04:40:58 PM
Morale Boosters at the work place.!

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/MoraleBoaster.jpg)



I'm sure osha would just love those.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on May 01, 2008, 07:41:24 PM

Is this a sign that Obama's got her by the ass?

(http://i285.photobucket.com/albums/ll72/oojimmyc/hillaryjoke.jpg)

That ought to be McCain in the rear
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dougdubya on May 02, 2008, 12:28:07 AM
(http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/political-pictures-hillary-clinton-duke.jpg)

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 02, 2008, 01:19:07 AM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/ATT7.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: SlickRob on May 05, 2008, 05:02:14 PM
Back in 1912, Best Foods mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of it scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to Mexico. It sank after smashing into an iceberg.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known as "Sinko De Mayo".
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 06, 2008, 01:22:40 AM
You should be ashamed Rob.   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: CurrieS103 on May 06, 2008, 06:43:02 AM
 ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on May 06, 2008, 06:58:01 AM
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
 
80% held up their hands.
 
The Minister then repeated his question.
 
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
 
'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
 
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
 
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'
 
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
 
'Oh, Mrs. N eely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
 
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said:



         'I outlived the bitches.'   

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on May 06, 2008, 07:53:16 AM
WOMEN ALWAYS TRIUMPH!!!!!!!!


A cheating husband decided to write this letter to his wife.
 
My Dear Wife,
 
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife, however, after
reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I
will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort
Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset, I shall be back before midnight.

When the man came home late that night he found a reply of his letter on the dining room table:
 
My Dear Husband,
 
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54
years old I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are
also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel
Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis
coach. He is young, virile and like your secretary, he is 18 years old.
You being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18 ..
Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 06, 2008, 06:28:20 PM
Jay~  That was a hoot... But she does have a point there..   ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they
spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.  Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to
coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on
Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he
decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However , he accidentally left out one
letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following
a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from
relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and
fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the
floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
 
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005
 
I know you're surprised to hear from me.  They have computers here now and
you're allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.  I've just arrived and have
checked in.  I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!  I hope your journey is as uneventful as mine
was.
 
P.S.  Sure is hot down here!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 06, 2008, 07:07:12 PM
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was
flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to
the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
 
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
 
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My
problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken
to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to
keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo
for me?  I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
 
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered
into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their
seat belts. Off they went.
 
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San
Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down
the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement
of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran
over to the blonde. What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I
gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
 
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over,so
now we're going to Sea World."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Makes sense to me.........;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 07, 2008, 12:53:22 AM

When your dog steals your moment :

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/doghumpingdeer.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on May 10, 2008, 10:22:37 AM
(http://i285.photobucket.com/albums/ll72/oojimmyc/Intsymbolforgasoline.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on May 10, 2008, 11:48:15 AM
Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!  Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there." 

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop all your firewood?"     
"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun)

 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 10, 2008, 06:56:04 PM
  I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.  Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on May 12, 2008, 09:18:47 AM
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it
would take a few inches off of your butt!
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let
such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his
drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little
dust cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum
powder in my underwear?'

She replied ...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on May 12, 2008, 06:05:57 PM
(http://i110.photobucket.com/albums/n104/The_AnkLe_BiTeR/couldntyouwait.jpg)




no comments needed.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on May 14, 2008, 02:58:22 PM

>> Good Mistake, God don't like ugly
>>
>> A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
>> Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right
>> thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the
>> red
>> light by accelerating through the intersection.
>>
>> The tailgating woman was furious a nd honked her horn, screaming in
>> frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
>> dropping her cell phone and makeup.
>> As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
>> into the face of a very serious police officer.
>>
>> The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to
>> the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed,
>> and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman
>> approached
>> the cell and o pened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk
>> where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
>>
>> He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind
>> your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front
>> of
>> you, and cussi ng a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus
>> Do'
>> bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to
>> Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, And the chrome-plated Christian fish
>> emblem
>> on the trunk, Naturally,.....................I assumed you had stolen the
>> car.'
>>
>> Priceless
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dougdubya on May 14, 2008, 11:09:21 PM
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's
Yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be
$9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket
And pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
Salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any
Longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was
Cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie
Appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people
Would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be
As rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
Money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on May 15, 2008, 11:18:27 AM
Mark your calendar
 
Slap Your Co-Worker Day is    coming!!   

Friday  May 16 is  the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday: Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't care about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you?  Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY! These are the rules you must follow:

* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.

* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.

* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.

* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on May 17, 2008, 10:08:23 AM
They finally caught E.T.


(http://i285.photobucket.com/albums/ll72/oojimmyc/ET.jpg)


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on May 20, 2008, 11:11:37 AM
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral........I'm a gynecologist.'

The proctologist fainted.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on May 20, 2008, 03:27:28 PM
(http://www.werescrewed08.com/images/werescrewed08banner1.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 21, 2008, 02:29:33 AM
(http://www.werescrewed08.com/images/werescrewed08banner1.jpg)


That might be funny if it was a joke, unfortunately it's the simple truth.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 21, 2008, 01:06:39 PM
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."

 Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build
her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I
would remodel the kitchen for her."

 They continue to fish.  When they realized that the fourth guy has not said
a word, they asked him.
 "You haven't said anything about what you had to  do to be able to come fishing this weekend.  What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off
my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt  and said:
"Fishing or Sex?"
and she said: "Wear sun-block."
   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on May 22, 2008, 10:22:20 AM
(http://michellemalkin.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/1exxon2.jpg)

Not a joke but still funny.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on May 22, 2008, 09:42:30 PM
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility... 

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 23, 2008, 08:47:30 AM
A Department of Water representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your Water allocation.'
 
The old farmer said, 'OK , but don't go in that field over there.' The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WANT on ANY agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
 
The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the Old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence. And close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Water Rep. with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and Shouted out......
 
 'Your card! Your card! Show him your card!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 23, 2008, 01:21:17 PM

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/mho.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on May 23, 2008, 05:15:19 PM
Thats about the most concise and accurate political commentary I've heard since this election cycle started SOOOO long ago.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tumblebug on May 23, 2008, 06:18:18 PM
+10
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 23, 2008, 11:55:12 PM
This is the craziest thing I've seen in a long time.  For those of you in the 21st century .. you'll need to look at this on a pc. You also have to get out of your seat and walk away from your computer.
  People may think you're crazy. But it's well worth it.  ;)

When you look at this picture in a closer look you see its Albert Einstein .

But if you stand 5 meters distance. It will become Marilyn Monroe 



(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/marilyn.jpg)

Is this just the coolest thing??
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on May 24, 2008, 12:22:01 AM
This is the craziest thing I've seen in a long time.  For those of you in the 21st century .. you'll need to look at this on a pc. You also have to get out of your seat and walk away from your computer.
  People may think you're crazy. But it's well worth it.  ;)

When you look at this picture in a closer look you see its Albert Einstein .

But if you stand 5 meters distance. It will become Marilyn Monroe 



(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/marilyn.jpg)

Is this just the coolest thing??


Those of us in America use inches, feet and yards. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on May 24, 2008, 12:46:10 AM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/mho.jpg)

There is no joke contained herein. Please relocate to the political section of the forum.

;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on May 24, 2008, 07:30:05 PM
Ol' Blue

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.  He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'You won't believe what modern education is  developing!  They actually have a program here in Laramie   that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!'

'That's amazing,' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $1,000' the young cowb oy says. 'I'll get him in the course.'

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.  The boy calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son ?' his father asks.

'Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm,' he says, 'but you just won't believe this.  They've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!'

'Read!' says his father, 'No kidding!  How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arriv es.

But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!'

'Dad, 'the boy says, 'I have some grim news.  Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked , 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'

The father exclaimed, 'I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Walter45Auto on May 26, 2008, 10:21:27 AM
This is the craziest thing I've seen in a long time.  For those of you in the 21st century .. you'll need to look at this on a pc. You also have to get out of your seat and walk away from your computer.
  People may think you're crazy. But it's well worth it.  ;)

When you look at this picture in a closer look you see its Albert Einstein .

But if you stand 5 meters distance. It will become Marilyn Monroe 



(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/marilyn.jpg)

Is this just the coolest thing??


Yup Looks like Marilyn Munroe, WITH A Mustache........
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Outlaw on May 26, 2008, 01:56:41 PM
I can't seem to get far enough away that she still don't look like that ugly Einstein dude. If she'd had his brains she'd probably still be alive.  ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 28, 2008, 12:26:00 AM
This just in…..  FROM  THE CNN INVESTIGATIVE BUREAU

        CNN reports that gas stations across the nation will start showing
 porn movies on the screens of the pumps so that you can see someone else
 get screwed at the same time you do!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 28, 2008, 12:30:25 AM
    Sunburn...........

           A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horrible sunburn.

           He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted.
After being diagnosed with second degree burns.

           With his skin already starting to blister and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with Saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

           The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor?'

           The doctor replied, 'It'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 28, 2008, 04:24:54 PM
SEVEN KINDS OF SEX

Results of a recent research shows that the re are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex..
 * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
 * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine ,and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each o the r in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
 * This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.



Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on May 29, 2008, 10:16:25 PM
(http://www.huntingnut.com/modules/coppermine/albums/userpics/10127/normal_Redneck%20Swimming%20Pool.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 30, 2008, 03:16:22 PM
MEDICAL  INSURANCE EXPLAINED 
(Research done by the AARP Legal Department
)
 
 
Q. What does HMO stand for?
 
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase ,  "HEY  MOE."   Its roots go back to a
concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient
could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.
 

Q. I just joined an Arizona HMO.  How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
 
A. Just  slightly more difficult than choosing your parents.  Your insurer will provide you
with a book listing all the doctors in the plan.  The  doctors basically fall into two
categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see
you but are no longer participating in the plan . But don't worry, the remaining doctor
who is still in the plan and  accepting new patients has an office just 2 day's drive away
somewhere in northern New Mexico.
 

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures  require  pre-certification?
 
A. No. Only those you need.
 

Q.  Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
 
A.  Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
 

Q.  What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
 
A.  You'll  need to find alternative forms of payment.  
 

Q. My  pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand.
I  tried the generic medication, but it gave me a  stomach ache. What should I do?
 
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
 

Q. What if I'm away from home and I  get sick?
 
A. You really shouldn't do that.
 

Q.  I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem.
Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in  his/her office?
 
A.  Hard  to say, but, considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's
no harm in giving it a shot .
 

Q.  Will health care be different in  the next decade?
 
A.  No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.  

 
 
 
To Your Good Health (because as you see, you'll need it!)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on May 30, 2008, 03:27:53 PM
(http://www.iowapresidentialwatch.com/images/cartoons/EmptySuit-Md.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 30, 2008, 04:33:40 PM
This has to be one of the funniest country songs ever written.......not the perfect one mind you.....no trains, dogs, pickup trucks, jail or Divorce........But a great country song.....

You'll need sound to appreciate this one.

http://denimandlace.50megs.com/1bigone.html   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: someguy on May 30, 2008, 05:35:10 PM
Ah, yes - Horn Lake...  Just south of Memphis.  I was there this morning, in fact.

It still smells.  ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on May 30, 2008, 06:54:36 PM
> 'Old Butch'
> John, the farmer,
> was in the fertilized egg business.  He
> had several hundred young layers
> (hens), also called 'pullets,' and ten
> roosters, whose job it was to fertilize
> the eggs.   The farmer kept records, and
> any rooster that didn't
> perform went into the soup pot and was
> replaced.
>
>
> That took an awful lot of his time, so
> he bought a set of tiny
> bells and attached them to his roosters.
> Each bell had a different tone
> so John could tell from a distance which
> rooster was performing.
>
>
> Now he could sit on the porch and fill
> out an efficiency
> report simply by listening to the bells.
>
>
> The farmer's favorite rooster was old
> Butch, a very fine specimen.  But on
> this particular morning, John noticed
> old Butch's bell hadn't rung at
> all.
>
> John went to investigate.  The other
> roosters were chasing pullets all over
> the place with bells-a-ringing. The
> pullets, upon hearing the roosters
> coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer
> John's amazement, old Butch had his bell
> in his beak, so it couldn't
> ring.
>
> He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job
> and walk on to the next one.
>
> John was so proud of
> old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew
> County Fair, and he became an
> overnight sensation among the judges.
>
> The result...  The judges not only
> awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize,
> but they awarded him the Pulletsurprise
> as well.
>
> Clearly
> old Butch was a politician in the
> making: who e lse but a politician could
> figure out how to win two of the most
> highly coveted awards on our planet by
> being the best at sneaking up on the
> populace and screwing them when they
> weren't paying attention.
>
> Vote carefully this year...the
> bells are not always audible.
>
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on May 31, 2008, 12:38:44 PM
:-[ I have to put this one on here.. ..........
once again apologizing for the content.. (http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/112.gif)


A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.

Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. 
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk:
'Dddoo youu hhhave ddiilldos?'

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies:
'Yes we do have dildos.

Actually, we carry many different models.'

The old woman then asks:
'Dddddoo yyyouu ccaarry a pppinkk onne, tttenn inchessss llong a aand aabbou ttwoo inchess ththiick...
aaand rruns by bbaatteries?'

   The clerk responds, 'Yes we do.'

 She asks:
'Dddoo yyoooouu kknnoooww hhhow ttoo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?'

[/color]
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 02, 2008, 06:44:13 PM
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a
man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.  Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means
that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on June 03, 2008, 06:16:59 PM
Sadly, a true story although funny as all get out:

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,361382,00.html (http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,361382,00.html)

Surgeons Remove 16 Steel Washers From Man's 'Nether Region'
Monday, June 02, 2008
The Daily Telegraph

Hazardous Hardware?

An Australian man was operated on in Hornsby Hospital in Berowra Sunday where surgeons removed 16 stainless steel washers from "down under," The Daily Telegraph reports.

Berowra Fire Rescue officers were called to alleviate the man from his awkward predicament at 3 a.m. Berowra is a suburb of northern Sydney in the state of New South Wales, Australia.

It was not clear how the man's situation arose.

Fire rescue officers spent more than an hour unsuccessfully attempting to remove the washers, before the man was taken into an operating room about 4.30 a.m.

Surgeons took about 90 minutes to remove the washers using fire brigade equipment.

A hospital spokesman said equipment normally used to remove rings from fingers was ineffective because of the thicker nature of the washers.

The man was in a satisfactory condition.

It is believed the only lasting damage may be to his pride.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Take a look on the FoxNews webiste at the washers they removed from his - "nether regions". His pride is taking a beating cuz. the inner holes of the washers are so doggone small. If my - hmmmmm - johnson? - unit - member - whatever was small enough to fit into one of thsoe, I would have found a way to cut the washers off by myself to avoid the publicity!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on June 03, 2008, 08:43:08 PM
Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group from out-of-state who sank it.

Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Therefore, Joe did not know that his brother John's wife had died suddenly that day.

When Joe got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said: 'I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.'

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: 'Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.

Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those f our guys who were looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway.

The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!'

The old woman fainted.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Walter45Auto on June 03, 2008, 09:50:13 PM
Bill worked at a factory for 15 years, and was always bragging about all the important people he knew. He was Always bragging how he knew everybody. His boss had finally had enough of it, and decided he was gonna find SOMEBODY that Bill didn't know. So he said to Bill "I'll bet you don't know Dale Earnhardt Jr." So they went to Dale Jr.'s house and Dale came out and greeted his old friend Bill and Invited them in and they Sat around and talked for a while. Then they left, and Bill's Boss said "Allright. You know Dale Earhnardt Jr. But I'll bet you don't know President Bush." So they went to the white house got through security to go in, and while walking down the hallway bump into President Bush. President bush greeted them. "Hey there Bill! It's good to see you. I'm on my way to a Cabinet meeting, but I've got time to have coffee with my old buddy Bill." They get finished, and Bill's Boss is amazed that he knows President Bush. He said "I'll bet you don't know the pope!"  They went to see the pope, and there's a huge crowd of thousands of people waiting for the pope to come out on the balcony and give his address. Bill's boss said "There's no way we're gonna be able to get in to see the pope. There's just WAY too many people out here. We'll never get through!" Bill said "Wait here. I know a few of the security guards. I'll see if I can get us in." So about 15 minutes later, The pope comes out on the Balcony and Bill comes out right beside him, and they bothe wave to everybody. After the pope is finished with his address, Bill goes back outside to find his boss, and finds him passed out with paramedics all around him. They finally get him to come to and Bill asks "Are you allright? What Happened?" He said "You know Bill, I could take you knowing Dale Earnhardt Jr. I can handle you knowing President Bush. I could even take you knowing the pope.  But wht I couldn't belive was when you and the pope came out on the balcony and the guy next to me asked 'Who's that guy up there with Bill?' "
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 04, 2008, 06:37:02 PM
I appreciate jokes like this one.

Old Is not Dumb

             
            A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
             
            After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said. 'I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able
            to wheel back.'

            'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied.  'Let's see you do it.'

            The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, 'All right, Dumb Ass, get in.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 04, 2008, 06:45:24 PM
   :) ;)
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:

'Want coffee.'

The waiter says,'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.'

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter

'Want coffee.'

The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?'

The Indian smiles and proudly says ..

'Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day.'

 ;D ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ron J on June 04, 2008, 06:50:39 PM
Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain were on a plane flying to a debate.   Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, “You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy”.
 
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, “I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.”

John added, “That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.”

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot; “Such big-shots back there.  I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy.”

I'm voting for the Pilot
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on June 04, 2008, 07:16:06 PM


(http://celebquiz.com/admin/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/barack_obama00004.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: alfack on June 04, 2008, 08:13:13 PM
^^^^

That is hilarious!  "Able to leap rising seas in a single bound."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 05, 2008, 02:04:54 AM
^^^^

That is hilarious!  "Able to leap rising seas in a single bound."

I liked Walter's joke better. Superman should be like one of those "Little Boy " fountians   ;D  B ho would benifit from a superwhizz  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on June 05, 2008, 06:20:39 AM
Found this on the net (where else?)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 05, 2008, 12:29:20 PM

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

 

'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

                               The teacher fainted... :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 05, 2008, 05:37:48 PM
The Definition of OLD..

First you tell your friends that you are having an  affair........

Then your friend asks you........
 'Are you having it catered???'

 :-\

THAT, my friends, is the definition of OLD!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on June 05, 2008, 05:45:47 PM
Ouch, that hurts!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on June 05, 2008, 08:10:39 PM
(http://www.newsforreal.com/obama-0161.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on June 05, 2008, 08:57:22 PM
NAAAAA.

That's the definition of upper crust old.

Redneck old is telling your friend ya got a new honey hole and him asking for the GPS coordinates. ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: laemperatriz on June 05, 2008, 09:00:12 PM
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'.

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't
ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 06, 2008, 02:21:54 AM
A woman went to the emergency room and was seen by a young doctor, after about 3 minutes in the emergency room the young doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the emergency and ran down the hall screaming until she met an older doctor who asked her what was wrong, after listening to her story he calmed her down and sat her down in another room, then marched down to the young doctors office and demanded "Whats wrong with you ? This lady is 63 years old, has 2 grown children and several grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant .
The young doctor , without looking up from his clipboard asked, "Does she still have hiccups ?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ron J on June 06, 2008, 08:52:47 AM
A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

A recent study by the American Medical Association found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon. 
 
Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be An American.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ron J on June 06, 2008, 04:43:07 PM
Post Turtle
   
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. 

Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President. 

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is a "post turtle"."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was. 

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a "post turtle"."

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.  "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumby put him up there."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: cookie62 on June 06, 2008, 05:01:18 PM
Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs

 

 

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning.

As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.

 

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.

 

One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.

Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.

 

'Hello!..Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'

 

For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone down there?'

 

Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing . ...

'Vote for Barack Obama! - Vote for Barack Obama!'

Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself and prayed,

'Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive....

 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 06, 2008, 11:12:00 PM
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if
they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
 "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,
weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 07, 2008, 11:11:10 AM
An Italian Boy's Confession
>
>
>
> 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
>
> The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
>
>
> 'Yes, Father, it is.'
>
> 'And who was the girl you were with?'
>
>
> 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
>
> Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as
> well tell me now.
>
>
> Was it Tina Minetti?'
>
> 'I cannot say.'
>
>
> 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
>
> 'I'll never tell.'
>
>
>
> 'Was it Nina Capelli?'
>
> 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
>
>
>
> 'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
>
> 'My lips are sealed.'
>
>
>
> 'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
>
> 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
>
>
>
> The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano,
> and I admire that.
>
> But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for
> 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
>
> Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
> whispers, 'What'd you get?'
>
>
>
> '4 months vacation and five good leads.'
>
> --
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dougdubya on June 07, 2008, 12:00:19 PM
Preacher's Donkey
 
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the
Man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way
(being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the
Donkey go was to say, "Hallelujah!"
 
The only way to make the donkey stop was to say, "Amen!"
 
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on
The animal to try out the preacher's instructions.
 
"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot.
"Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.
 
"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode
Off, very proud of his new purchase.
 
The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As
He headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to
Make the donkey stop.
 
"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept
Going.
 
"Oh, no..."
 
"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!" shouted the man. The
Donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and
Closer to the edge of the cliff.
 
Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer: "Please,
Dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the
End of this mountain. In Jesus' name, AMEN."
 
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the
Edge of the cliff.
 
"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on June 07, 2008, 02:50:59 PM
Obama video of the day. Stick to the teleprompter, Barack-O!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxBX8sz3tO8
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 10, 2008, 09:45:56 AM
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center
and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.
People came from miles around to see the
famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced,
'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up
here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize
each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a
beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want
you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my
family for six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while
quietly chanting, Watch the watch, watch the watch,
watch the watch ...'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and
forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch, until, suddenly, it
slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the
floor, breaking into
a hundred pieces.

'Shit,' said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the senior center.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 10, 2008, 12:00:17 PM
Mexico Drops Out of 2008 Summer Olympics

President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not
participate in the Beijing Summer Olympics this summer.

He stated: ''Casi todos los que pueden correr, saltar, o nadar ya han
salido del pais.''



Translation:

"Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left our
country."

 ;D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 10, 2008, 12:02:00 PM
Two Muslim mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mums pulls out her bag and starts flipping through pictures and reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 now'.

The other mum replies, 'I remember him as a baby.'

Mum says, 'He's a martyr now.'

'Oh, so sad my dear.'

Mum flips to another picture. 'And this is my second son, Kalid. He would be 21.'

'Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born.'

Mum sighs, 'He's a martyr, too.'

'Oh gracious me ,' says the second mother.

'And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed! He would be 18'. Mum whispers.

'Yes,' says her friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school.'

'He's a martyr also', Mum says, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos and says...

'They blow up so fast, don't they?
 ;) ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 10, 2008, 01:46:33 PM
The Veterinarian

 

 
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church
found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

 
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by
curiosity, approached her.

 
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

 
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

 
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

 
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

 
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

 
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

 
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.'

  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;)

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 10, 2008, 06:55:53 PM
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter,
and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,
and I don't have any clean clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
So, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An older couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 10, 2008, 09:00:18 PM
 Future Profession

 

     



    An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it
     was getting time the boy should give some thought to
     choosing a profession. Like many young men his age,

     the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he
     didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the

    boy was away at school, his father decided to try an

     experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on

     his study table four objects.

     1. A bible.

     2. A silver dollar.

     3. A bottle of whisky.

     4. And a Playboy magazine.

     'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to
     himself.? 'When he comes home from school today,
     I'll see which object he picks up.
     If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like
     me, And what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the
     dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would

    be okay, too. Butif he picks up the bottle, he's going to be

    a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would

     be.And worst of all If he picks up that magazine he's going to

     be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'
    The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's

    foot- steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his

    room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to

     leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity

    in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
     Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
     He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.
     He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this

     month's centerfold.
     'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly
     whispered.'He' s gonna run for Congress.' :( >:( ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 11, 2008, 04:54:59 PM
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water,
 however, is a whole other issue."

"OLD" IS WHEN .. Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD " IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door .

"OLD" IS WHEN .. Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

"OLD" IS WHEN .."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today

"OLD" IS WHEN .. "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND "OLD" IS WHEN .. You are not sure these are jokes?
  :o

See everbody?? I can do clean jokes!~ ::)
(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/Giggles.gif)


Damn it, SOME of them ain't funny!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ron J on June 11, 2008, 10:21:24 PM
This lady is down in New Orleans and has enjoyed the town. After a few drinks too many, she decides she wants a tattoo.

She starts walking down the side streets and finds a tattoo parlor. She staggers in and begins to enjoy the art. Finally, the manager and … probably the best tattoo artist in the Southeast finishes up a previous customer and comes up to her and asks if he can be of any help.

The lady says that she is a huge fan of Elvis and wants a tattoo of the rocker on the inside of her thigh. That way “The King” will be close to her … well, you get the point. So he shows her a half dozen different Elvis designs. She decides on one of the simpler, early Elvis designs. As he asks her to pull up her skirt so he could go to work, he finds that she is not wearing any panties and is going “commando”. No big deal, in a tattoo parlor in the “Big Easy”, you see it all.

Down between her knees, he gets to work. After a couple of hours he finishes and shows the young miss his work. She stands … looks down and is pissed. She screams, “What the hell did you do to my leg!! Who the hell is that?!? That’s not Elvis!!”

The artist is taken back. He thought it was one of his best works to date! He tells her to relax and that he would do another tattoo “free” to make her happy. She agrees and picks another Elvis for the inside of her other thigh. He pours her another drink and settles in between her legs to get back to work.   

After a couple of hours, he puts down his ink and lights up a smoke. She screams. “What the HELL have you done to my thigh!!!! You sonofabitch!! That’s not Elvis!!!! You ruined both of my legs!”

The artist is again taken back … and starting to feel the sting of his professional pride kick in. He’s good and she has two Elvis’ on her thighs that are perfect representations of the young and old Elvis. He takes a hit on his smoke and sees some drunk wondering by the front of his shop and grabs him by the scruff of the neck. He plants this guy on his chair, asks her to hike her skirt up for a third opinion.  As she hikes her skirt up, he asks, “OK!  Who do those two guys look like?!?”

The guy, a bit drunk looks from thigh to thigh. Stops. Belches. Looks again. Pauses and while shaking his head says, “I don’t know about those two guys … but the guy in the middle is Willie Nelson!”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 11, 2008, 10:44:18 PM
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/126.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on June 12, 2008, 08:18:45 AM
Maybe this should go in the political forum. :)
----------------------------------------------------------
Captain Kirk for President.

I think he might just get my vote based solely on refreshing honesty.

http://www.wikio.com/video/273999 (http://www.wikio.com/video/273999)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 12, 2008, 11:00:48 AM
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high School
 reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging
her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asks,
 'Do you know her?'

 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I Understand
she took to drinking right after we split up those many
 years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since'

 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could
go on celebrating that long?'
 
So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at Everything.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 12, 2008, 11:19:37 AM
A blonde just texted me and asked “What does IDK stand for?” I said “I don’t know” she said “OMG no one knows!”
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/crazy.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 12, 2008, 01:03:06 PM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/nocigar.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on June 12, 2008, 03:28:45 PM
The other day I went downtown to run a few errands.  I went into the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'  He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires. So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, 'Obama '08.'  I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.  The doctor tells me that it's important to my health. ;D ;D ;D ;D :D :D ;) ;) :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 12, 2008, 09:48:52 PM
A  professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture,  no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
 When he reached the front of the room,
The professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Bubba replied, 'Ghost !! Well Shiiiiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said 'Goats...'


(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/184.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on June 13, 2008, 01:37:55 PM

John Kerry gets an eyeful!

(http://www.postfunnypics.com/funny-blog-pictures/funny-001686.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 13, 2008, 05:52:39 PM
Late one night a State Trooper was watching traffic pass when he spotted a car weaving all over the road.  The tropper pulled in behind the car, turned on his lights and pulled the car over.  When he walked up to the car he was surprised to see the local parish priest behind the wheel.

"Why good evening, Father", said the trooper, "I couldn't help but notice that you were weaving all over the road as your drove.  Have you been drinking?"

"Certainly not", responds the priest.

The trooper shined his flashlight inside the car and noticed a bottle laying on the seat beside the priest.  "I don't mean to suggest that you would lie, Father," says the trooper, "but that looks suspiciously like a wine bottle on the seat beside you."

"Nonsense, my son", says the priest, "that's a bottle of holy water!"

The tropper responded, "Not that I don't trust you, father, but would you pass it to me, please?"

The priest passed the bottle to the trooper, who took a whiff of it's contents and said, "Father, your holy water smells suspiciously like wine!!"

"Well whaddaya know?" says the priest........."He's done it again!!"


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 13, 2008, 09:46:21 PM
John Kerry gets an eyeful!

(http://www.postfunnypics.com/funny-blog-pictures/funny-001686.jpg)


Can't really blame him for LOOKING,   (http://www.mazeguy.net/happy/applause.gif)
                                                               
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 13, 2008, 10:13:58 PM
One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion.
 "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.
Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 14, 2008, 12:49:24 AM
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman sitting straight up, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, "Oh my god, that must be my husband!"
The guy quickly jumped straight out of the bed, scared and naked... he jumped out the window like a crazy man.  He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush, jumped up and then started to run as fast as he could to his car.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband.!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

 And that folks............is how the fight started.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman1911 on June 14, 2008, 01:46:12 AM
Funny how I can laugh my a$$ off at 2:45 am, opps got go down the hall to catch it!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on June 14, 2008, 09:43:18 AM
John Kerry gets an eyeful!

(http://www.postfunnypics.com/funny-blog-pictures/funny-001686.jpg)

I'm sorry, got distracted. Who got caught?     ;)    ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on June 15, 2008, 01:56:35 AM
A writer grows weary of the rat race. He yearns for the freedom of the outdoors and wide open spaces.  He forsakes all urbanity and packs up and leaves New York for the great Northwest.  He soon is living in a cabin deep in the forest half way up a mountain.  With his new found freedom he grows immersed in his work, writing almost constantly.  Before he is aware six months have passed and he hears a knocking on his door.  Perplexed, he rises and opens the door to reveal a mountain of a man dressed in flannel.  This man could be Paul Bunyan's brother.

"Can I help you" the writer asks.

"Why, yes."  The man boomed.  "I would like to invite you to a party at my house a little further up the mountain"

The writer is surprised but accepting of the offer.

"I have been writing for close to six months and have not seen a soul.  I think a party would do me some good." the writer replied cheerfully.

"Well, I have to warn ya, there is gonna be some drinkin'" the large man countered.

"Like I said," said the writer.  "I have been couped up here in the cabin for nearly six months a bit of alcohol could raise my spirits, pun intended"

The large man chuckled and fired back, "Well I'm gonna have to warn ya, there's gonna be some fightin'"

The writer mulled it over quickly and explained, "I moved here from New York.  I am a reasonably level-headed fellow and get along with most people.  But I can take care of my self."

Once again the large man chuckled to himself and once again he countered, "Well, I'm gonna have to warn ya, theres gonna be some f***in'."

While not particularly enamored with the large man's vocabulary, the writer explained, "Once again, I have been couped up in this cabin for a long time.  A man has needs, ya know?"

Once again the large man chuckled to himself.  After exchanging pleasantries the large man turned to leave and the writer began to close the door then he remembered, "Hey, what should I wear?"

The mountain of a man turned back to the writer, chuckled again, and replied, "It doesn't really matter.  It's just gonna be you and me!"


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on June 16, 2008, 04:15:26 PM
One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion.
 "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.
Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."


I resemble that remark!!!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 16, 2008, 11:37:06 PM
Returning home from work, a blond was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.  She phoned the police at once and reported the crime.  The police dispatcher broadcast the call  and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. 
 
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blond ran out onto the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen.  I call the police for help, and what do they do?  They send me a BLIND policeman!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Dharmaeye on June 17, 2008, 04:18:52 PM
Just got this email


A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security,
stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away
when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime
and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'

I had no Monet  to buy Degas
to make the Van Gogh.'

See if you have De Gaulle to send
this on to someone else.


I sent it to you because I figured
I had nothing Toulouse
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on June 17, 2008, 04:33:35 PM
Just got this email


A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security,
stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away
when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime
and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'

I had no Monet  to buy Degas
to make the Van Gogh.'

See if you have De Gaulle to send
this on to someone else.


I sent it to you because I figured
I had nothing Toulouse


Ouch! stop the pun ishment
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on June 17, 2008, 04:39:50 PM
***GROAN*** (http://www.mazeguy.net/surprised/covereyes.gif) (http://www.mazeguy.net/sad/melodramatic.gif) (http://www.mazeguy.net/employed/jester.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on June 17, 2008, 04:46:07 PM
its only a down hill slide from here.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on June 18, 2008, 09:37:56 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It has long been contended that there are male Jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex Jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke.


I offer it to you in the hopes
That women will love it And men will
Pass it along to a woman who will love it.!


A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven a tall,
Exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.


The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (As All men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......


On one condition'


Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition Was. The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, And then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, Which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly And meaningfully said....







'Clean my house.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 20, 2008, 12:31:14 AM
How right you are my friend.. LOL
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 20, 2008, 12:51:36 AM
OPEC sells oil for $136.00 a barrel.
OPEC nations buy U.S. grain at $7.00 a bushel.
Solution: Sell grain for $136.00 a bushel.
Can't buy it?  Tough!   Eat your oil!
Ought to go well with a nice thick grilled filet of camel ass!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on June 20, 2008, 05:28:08 AM
Marshall'ette, not a joke but a very good idea. 

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: CurrieS103 on June 20, 2008, 11:27:54 AM
+1 M'ette!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Grizzle_Bear on June 20, 2008, 12:48:06 PM


Why don't Mexican Schools have Sex Education and Drivers Education classes in the same semester?



It's too hard on the donkey!


 ;D

Grizzle Bear

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 21, 2008, 12:39:22 AM
Grizzle Bear! :o

(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/5.gif)

 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on June 22, 2008, 07:02:31 AM
Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on June 22, 2008, 12:06:42 PM
TAB...Go straight to the dog house, do not pass go and do not collect $200.

Richard

PS:  I thought I'd say it before Marshall'ette did!

PPS:  GOOD one by the way!!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on June 22, 2008, 08:47:58 PM
Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

Despite votes to the contrary, this is a good one
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on June 22, 2008, 09:24:21 PM
Farmers, mostly older ones, will remember the Uni Harvestor (a combine like power unit that you could change units on for different crops and different styles of picking), many wood workers have seen or used the ShopSmith (an all in one power tool), however I think I have come up with one of the most diverse household tool around.  Last fall I took a dishwasher and turned it into a snowblower, and today I turned it into a lawn mower.  How did I do this you ask?  In a mere matter of minutes this afternoon I put her shovel away and filled the mower with gas for her.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 22, 2008, 09:50:08 PM
A man goes to a public golf course.

  He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I
would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."

  The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem,
  but
  all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this:
  We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to
  take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it
works,   your round of golf is on me today."

  The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.


  He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to
himself,   "I think my driver will do the job."

  The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No, sir. Use your 3 wood. 
 A driver is far too much club for this hole."

  Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball,
and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.


  The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.

  As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is
  gonna break left to right."

  The robot then again spoke up and said, "No, sir. I do believe this
  green will break right to left."

  He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.

  But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played,
thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

  Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked,
"How was your game ?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played.
Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week!"

  A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon
  entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like
  18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

  The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said,
  "Well, the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots.
  We had too many complaints."

  Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've
  complained about those robots? They were incredible."

  The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was
  that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them
  was blinding to other golfers on the fairway. "

  The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

  The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't
show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop,
and the other is running for President."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 22, 2008, 10:22:01 PM
IT'S ME, GOD, MONICA...

After a relaxing bath Monica Lewinsky was looking at
herself, nude in a mirror.

Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose
weight, was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God
for help.

'God.... If you take away my love handles, I'll devote
my life to you,' She prayed.



And just like that... her ears fell off.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on June 22, 2008, 11:34:55 PM
IT'S ME, GOD, MONICA...

After a relaxing bath Monica Lewinsky was looking at
herself, nude in a mirror.

Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose
weight, was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God
for help.

'God.... If you take away my love handles, I'll devote
my life to you,' She prayed.



And just like that... her ears fell off.

Too funny!  In a related story, in high school one fellow had ears that stuck way out.  They were referred to as "jail house ears"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 25, 2008, 12:39:11 AM
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello.

He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says,

'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had sex
with on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery???' he asks.

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/blink.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 25, 2008, 03:25:52 AM
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello.

He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says,

'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had sex
with on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery???' he asks.

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
(http://www.rightnation.us/forums/style_emoticons/default/blink.gif)

Nice way to finish after reading a bunch of TAB's idiocy.  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on June 26, 2008, 08:44:38 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.'

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

--------------------------------------------

The lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old people
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 28, 2008, 02:22:30 AM
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line. Just one lady in front of me . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today, I get hunat eighty? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady said, 'Fluc you white people, too.'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 29, 2008, 02:01:00 AM
THE REPUBLICAN FISHERMAN
 
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She
 lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.
 
She shouted to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me?
 I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
 but I don't know where I am.'
 
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, 'You're
 in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground
 elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31
 degrees,14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees,
 49.09minutes west longitude.'
 
She rolled her eyes and said, 'You must be a Republican.'
 
'I am,'replied th e man. 'How did you know?'
 
'Well,'answered the balloonist , ' everything you told me is
 technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your
 information,and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been
 much help to me.'
 
The man smiled and responded, 'You must be a Democrat.'
 
'I am,'replied the balloonist. ' How did you know?'
 
'Well,'said the man, 'you don't know where you are or
 where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due
 to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you
 have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve
 your problem. You're in exactly the same position you
 were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 29, 2008, 08:22:51 AM
THE REPUBLICAN FISHERMAN
 
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She
 lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.
 
She shouted to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me?
 I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
 but I don't know where I am.'
 
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, 'You're
 in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground
 elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31
 degrees,14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees,
 49.09minutes west longitude.'
 
She rolled her eyes and said, 'You must be a Republican.'
 
'I am,'replied th e man. 'How did you know?'
 
'Well,'answered the balloonist , ' everything you told me is
 technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your
 information,and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been
 much help to me.'
 
The man smiled and responded, 'You must be a Democrat.'
 
'I am,'replied the balloonist. ' How did you know?'
 
'Well,'said the man, 'you don't know where you are or
 where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due
 to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you
 have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve
 your problem. You're in exactly the same position you
 were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.'



Wheres the joke ?    ???   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: gunman1911 on June 29, 2008, 08:47:52 AM
Well I figured its time to make the call,so I dialed the number on the T.V. to J.G. Wentworth and told them "Its my money and I need it now!" So they asked me what structured settlement was it I wanted to cash in on?...Social Security. The bastards hung up!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on June 29, 2008, 09:24:10 AM
Well I figured its time to make the call,so I dialed the number on the T.V. to J.G. Wentworth and told them "Its my money and I need it now!" So they asked me what structured settlement was it I wanted to cash in on?...Social Security. The bastards hung up!

Seriously, LMAO!!!!!!  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D

I wish I had thought of that.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on June 29, 2008, 11:19:29 AM
Well I figured its time to make the call,so I dialed the number on the T.V. to J.G. Wentworth and told them "Its my money and I need it now!" So they asked me what structured settlement was it I wanted to cash in on?...Social Security. The bastards hung up!

They may have hung up, but I bet it makes the company news letter   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on June 29, 2008, 12:41:57 PM
A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.

'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?'

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.'

The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.'

The preacher said, I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss.'

The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya."

 

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on June 30, 2008, 05:08:37 PM
This will make your cat hide!

Hang in there it gets good  :o (?) at the 1:05 mark.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LwkwC-eoknA&feature=related
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: 1Buckshot on June 30, 2008, 06:15:02 PM
Looking good mashal'ette.   ::)

Haz cat , You have to much time on your hand's.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Neon Knight Anubis on June 30, 2008, 06:38:42 PM
My ears.....are in pain.  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 01, 2008, 01:33:34 AM
The 3 stages of a mans life.

Single

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/lion1.jpg)


Married

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/lion2.jpg)

Divorced

(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/lion3.jpg)

ANY QUESTIONS?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jerry on July 01, 2008, 08:28:49 PM
Good one Ms M.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 03, 2008, 07:33:23 PM
     I became confused when I heard these terms which reference
the word service.  Internal Revenue Service,  U.S. Postal Service,
        Telephone Service, T.V. Service, Civil Service, City &
County Public Service, Customer Service, and Service Stations, etc.
       
        What does service mean?   Yesterday I overheard two farmers
talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to service a few cows.
BAM!!!   It all came into perspective.  I now understand what all  those
service agencies are doing for us.
       
        I hope you are as enlightened as I am.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ronrdrcr on July 06, 2008, 12:20:15 AM
     I became confused when I heard these terms which reference
the word service.  Internal Revenue Service,  U.S. Postal Service,
        Telephone Service, T.V. Service, Civil Service, City &
County Public Service, Customer Service, and Service Stations, etc.
       
        What does service mean?   Yesterday I overheard two farmers
talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to service a few cows.
BAM!!!   It all came into perspective.  I now understand what all  those
service agencies are doing for us.
       
        I hope you are as enlightened as I am.



So true...

Ron
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on July 08, 2008, 08:45:54 PM
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? "You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.


"I think you're bad luck... get the fook away from me."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: CZShooter on July 08, 2008, 08:58:39 PM
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!   Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.   Awesome!!!   Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.   Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries,... right?   
 
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?   So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another.
 
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.   All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries, thinking to myself, "no possible way!"   What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....   I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
 
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!% !@*!!!   I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"   Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.   SON-OF-A- ... that hurt like hell!!!
 
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novacaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.   Still in shock...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on July 08, 2008, 09:26:05 PM


Too funny!  The mental image alone is priceless, cat and all. :)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 09, 2008, 04:08:01 AM
It's probably TRUE ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on July 09, 2008, 10:22:52 AM
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN..............

 


1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

10. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: shooter32 on July 09, 2008, 10:42:05 AM
wife and a taser might not be a good thing  :o :o :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jerry on July 09, 2008, 08:13:33 PM
CZ, that taser joke is the best story I've heard in a long time.  I was laughing so hard, I about couldn't finish reading it.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Magnum on July 11, 2008, 02:17:51 AM
Marshal'ette, you always come up with jokes that I "steal" to tell family and friends!!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on July 11, 2008, 09:37:22 AM
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.  Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"  She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.  Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."   

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 11, 2008, 11:40:25 AM
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.  Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"  She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.  Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."  

My Co workers are gonna LOVE that one  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on July 11, 2008, 01:51:03 PM
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 11, 2008, 02:33:58 PM


How Men Can Screw Up A Romantic Evening...

 (http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/menromance.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 11, 2008, 09:58:55 PM
Bud Light............


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on July 11, 2008, 10:22:26 PM

How Men Can Screw Up A Romantic Evening...

 (http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/menromance.jpg)

Ah yes ... The Halloways auditioning for the latest American Standard commercial  :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 11, 2008, 10:26:00 PM
The difference ....She's a brunette  and I'm blond... but........................ :-\ :-\
The rest of it is pretty much right on target..
sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ::)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on July 12, 2008, 05:58:50 PM
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and fi nally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attach ed to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on July 12, 2008, 06:58:49 PM
SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out

making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of

gas. As luck would have it, an Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

 

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The

attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out,

but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on

the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her

car.

 

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas

and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always

resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station,

filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across

the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on July 12, 2008, 07:00:15 PM
My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'


 
 
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'


We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
 
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'



My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ........You could learn a lot from him.'


We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
In capital letters,
 
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
 

 

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'
 





My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 13, 2008, 01:51:43 AM
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of used
   men's work boots, size 14-16.

2. Put them on your front porch, along with a copy of
   Guns & Ammo magazine.

3. Place a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and
   magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Hey Bubba:
Big Jim, Duke, Slim, and I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad.  I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.
Cooter"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: blackwolfe on July 13, 2008, 02:04:12 AM
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/82437/all_the_trunk_monkeys/

I don't know if anyone has posted this yet, but it's hilarious.  I sure wish I could get one of these.  Hope the link works, I'm not to computer savy.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 13, 2008, 02:21:09 AM
Yep.. perfect for when I have to go into the city.. LOL
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 13, 2008, 02:34:18 AM
Trunk Monkey is GREAT LOL love the donut one and the car theif   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Neon Knight Anubis on July 13, 2008, 03:30:26 AM
*after five minutes of laughing hysterically*

That was the funniest thing I've seen all week! I have GOT to get me one of those!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ocin on July 13, 2008, 05:10:17 AM
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/82437/all_the_trunk_monkeys/

I don't know if anyone has posted this yet, but it's hilarious.  I sure wish I could get one of these.  Hope the link works, I'm not to computer savy.

(http://www.mazeguy.net/happy/applause.gif) (http://www.mazeguy.net/happy/applause.gif) (http://www.mazeguy.net/happy/applause.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on July 13, 2008, 06:50:18 AM
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/82437/all_the_trunk_monkeys/

I don't know if anyone has posted this yet, but it's hilarious.  I sure wish I could get one of these.  Hope the link works, I'm not to computer savy.

I ran across the trunk moneys a few years back. The cop/donut one is absolutely the best, although the girl on a date and the chimp with the shotgun is a very close second. The sound as the boy is about to kiss the girl and the shotgun slide ratchets had me on the floor.

I have them all on my iPod for those moments when I need a laugh.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on July 13, 2008, 11:20:44 AM
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket .  They hear a faint moan.   They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.  Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.  As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ocin on July 13, 2008, 01:03:34 PM
I found this one on another forum:

How many members does it take to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been
changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is
"lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a light bulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light
bulbs is superior, where to
buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique and what brands are faulty

5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs

15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and their own light bulbs

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including
all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about
light bulbs"

1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on July 13, 2008, 01:27:56 PM
I found this one on another forum:

How many members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again.


Yup, sounds like DRTV all right. For AR15.com, triple the numbers . . .  8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on July 13, 2008, 01:34:54 PM
Yup, sounds like DRTV all right. For AR15.com, triple the numbers . . .  8)

Somewhere along the way M'ette got left out ...

1 Hot babe to egg guys with two heads into something stupid and then pistol whip us when we act.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on July 13, 2008, 02:00:28 PM

Me Too!  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on July 13, 2008, 07:04:36 PM
Hazcat,

I knew it wasn't going to be an "if" but a "when" ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tumblebug on July 13, 2008, 07:21:46 PM
 Lurker present & accounted for.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: someguy on July 13, 2008, 08:53:11 PM
You know, I would've put that list in a different order...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on July 13, 2008, 08:56:38 PM
Lurker present & accounted for.

Fine job you're doing at it too, T-bug, damn fine!!!

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 14, 2008, 12:12:51 AM
Changing light bulbs is a selfish waste of the worlds resources.  because you could fall off the chair you are standing on and cost your insurance company money   ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ocin on July 14, 2008, 04:46:33 AM
From that same forum: How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb?

Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?  Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the # &%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!  AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!!  BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!  IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!

AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

…… I'm sorry. What was the question?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on July 14, 2008, 05:21:12 AM
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"  She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"  She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."   
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"  She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 14, 2008, 07:28:55 PM
I don't know if this is a joke or not, but as a retired Army guy I found this amusing, and so I am passing it on here where I know there are a "few" good men from a sister service.

MARINE ETIQUETTE
The Commandant of the Marine Corps was General Al Gray, a crusty old 'Field Marine.' He loved his Marines and often slipped into the mess hall wearing a faded old field jacket without any rank or insignia on it. He would go through the chow line just like a private (In this way, he was assured of being given the same rations that the lowest enlisted man received. And, woe be it to the mess officer if the food was found to be 'unfit in quality or quantity').

Upon becoming Commandant, General Gray was expected to do a great deal of 'formal entertaining'...fancy dinner parties in full dress blue uniform. Now, the General would rather have been in the field ea ting cold 'C-rats' around a fighting hole with a bunch of young 'hard charging' Marines. But the General knew his duty and as a Marine he was determined to do it to the best of his ability.

During these formal parties, a detachment of highly polished Marines from 'Eighth and Eye' (Marine Barracks located at 8th and I Streets in Washington , D.C., home of t he Silent Drill Team) were detailed to assume the position of 'parade rest' at various intervals around the ball room where the festivities were being held.

At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined, big-chested, blue-haired lady picked up a tray of pastries and went around the room offering confections to the guests. When she noticed these Marines in dress blues, standing like sculptures all around the room, she was moved with admiration. She knew that several of these men were fresh from our victory in Kuwait. She made a beeline for the closest Lance Corporal, drew near him and asked, 'Would you like pastry young man?'

The young Marine snapped to 'attention' and replied,' I don't eat that shit, Ma'am.' Just as quickly, he resumed the position of 'parade rest.' His gaze remained fixed on some distant point throughout the exchange.

The fancy lady was completely taken aback! She blinked, her eyes widened, her mouth dropped open. So startled was she that she immediately began to doubt what she had heard. In a quivering voice she asked, 'W-W-What did you say?'

The Marine snapped back to the position of 'attention'(like the arm of a mousetrap smacking it's wooden base). Then he said, 'I don't eat that shit, Ma'am.' And just as smartly as before, back to the position of 'parade rest' he went.

This time, there was no doubt. The fancy lady immediately became incensed and felt insulted. A fter all, here she was an important lady, taking the time to offer something nice to this enlisted man (well below her st ation in life), and he had the nerve to say ; ;THAT to HER! She exclaimed, 'Well! I never...!' The lady remembered that she had met that military man in charge of all these 'soldiers' earlier. She spotted General Gray from across the room. He had a cigar clenched between his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cup full of bourbon in his left hand. He was talking to a group of 1st and 2nd Lieutenants. So blue haired lady went straight over to the Commandant and interrupted.

'General, I offered some pastry to that young man over there, and do you know what he told me?'

General Gray cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth and said, 'Well, no Ma'am, I don't.'

The lady took in a deep breath, confident that she was adequately expressing with her body language her considerable rage and indignation. As she wagged her head in cadence with h er words, and she paused between each word for effect, 'She said, 'I - don't - eat - that - shit - Ma'am!''

The li eutenants were in a state of near apoplexy. A couple of them choked back chuckles, and turned their heads to avoid having their smirks detected. The next thought that most of them had was, 'God, I hope it wasn't one of MY Marines!' and the color left their faces.
General Gray wrinkled his brow, cut his eyes in the direction of the lieutenants, put his free hand to his chin and muttered a subdued, 'Hummm Which one did you say it was Ma'am?,' the General asked.

'That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General,' the woman said with smug satisfaction. One of the lieutenants began to look sick and put a hand on the wall for support.

General Gray, seemed deep in thought, hand still to his chin, wrinkled brow. Suddenly, he looked up and his expression changed to one indicating he had made a decision.

He looked the fancy lady r ight in the eyes and said, 'Well, f*** him! Don't give him any.'


When next you have a drink, raise a toast to the Marines.
God bless them all.
Semper Fi...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 15, 2008, 02:29:28 AM
ROFL ;D
  This is probably true. There are MANY stories about Gen. Grey. A young W.M. (Woman Marine) was trying to get home last Christmas but her flight was over booked and she got bumped. An older gentleman heard her problem and offered her a ride in his plane, she got home for Christmas and the General gained another admirer ;D
Gen. Grey is a GREAT Marine, and a truly GREAT American !
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ocin on July 15, 2008, 05:47:54 AM
Are you too dependant on your computer?

A simple question to test that:

Are you a boy or a girl?
Answer: pls. look down.



























































I told you to LOOK down, not SCROLL down!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 15, 2008, 06:37:02 PM
;D Ya got me on that one.  ;)




       THE PROBLEM WITH HIGH URINALS

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
 
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their privates to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.  Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the fourth grade.'
 
HE REPLIED: 'No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 16, 2008, 01:15:08 PM
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes
through a severe storm.  The turbulence is awful,
and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning. One woman in particular
loses it.


 Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
'I'm too young to die,' she wails. Then
she yells, 'Well, if I'm going to die, I want
my last minutes on earth to be  memorable! Is
there anyone on this plane who can make me feel
like a WOMAN?'


For a moment there is silence. Everyone has
forgotten their own peril. They all stare,
riveted, at the desperate woman in the front
of the plane.


Then a cowboy from Wyoming stands up in the
rear of the plane.  He is handsome: tall,
well built, with dark brown hair and hazel
eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle,
unsnaping his shirt.


 One snap at a time........

 No one moves..................

 He removes his shirt................

 Muscles ripple across his chest..........

 She gasps....................


 He whispers................

'Iron this...then get me a beer.' :D



I know, I know, I am going to catch heck from Marshal'ette. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on July 16, 2008, 05:14:01 PM
That is kind of like when those Northeastern DJ's went to a Hillary rally and were yelling, "Iron my shirt"!  I still laugh at the audio from that one. ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: TAB on July 17, 2008, 04:01:32 PM
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 19, 2008, 01:36:44 PM
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day there he takes off his clothes and
starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man
immediately


erection, comes over to  him and
says, 'Did you call for me?'  The man replies, 'No, what do
you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain.
It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies
you called for me.'
b
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming
pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her
and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities.
He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the
steam room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says
the hairy man.  'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule
that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over
a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where
he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist,
'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can
have the key back and you can keep the $5000
membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a
few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our
facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old.
I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day.' :D

WE DON'T STOP PLAYING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD...

WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP PLAYING....
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 22, 2008, 03:17:51 PM

The Beer Belly!


http://coolerfun.com/Beer_Belly.html
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on July 22, 2008, 03:31:38 PM
HOT  DAMN !!!

Anything endorsed by Larry the Cable Guy is a must have !!!

Just can't figure out whether to order the beer belly or the wine rack first  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on July 22, 2008, 08:38:54 PM
Whew  :P

Wifey almost had to call the ambulance to take care of my seizures  :o

I was looking at the cooler scooter and saw it had a weight limit of 200#  :'(

Thank God they have the 500 rated for 300# and have also come out with the gas rated for 350#  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

I was really concerned that this full figure guy was going to have to go without and actually have to carry his brew.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 22, 2008, 11:51:37 PM
Bill can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor.

The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

Bill asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take some muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.

Bill says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.

; The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bill the go ahead to 'try out his new equipment'.

Bill takes his wife out to dinner . While at dinner Bill starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.

No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants.

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, 'That was pretty cool!! Can you do that again?'

With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bill says, 'Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass.'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on July 23, 2008, 11:32:00 AM
Catherine, one of my son's friends when he was
little, told me that she wanted to be President one day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there with us - and I
asked Catherine - 'If you were President what would be the first thing you
would do?'

Catherine replied - 'I would give new houses to all the homeless people.
Then they would have a place of their own to live'

'Wow - what a worthy goal you have there, Catherine.'  I told her, 'You
don't have to wait until you're Presiden t to do that, you can come over to
my house and clean up all the dog poop in the back yard and I will pay you
$15 dollars.  Then we can go over t o the grocery store where the homeless
guy hangs out and you can give him the $15 dollars to use for a new house.'

Catherine (who was about 4) t hought that over for a second, while her mom
looked at me seething, and Catherine replied, 'why doesn't the homeless guy
come over and clean up the dog poop and you can pay him the $15 dollars.'



Welcome to the Republican Party!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: shooter32 on July 23, 2008, 01:58:20 PM
Jay,
Right on the money ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 23, 2008, 05:15:56 PM
Retirement plans compared...


If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would Now
be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have
$49.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank All
the beer, then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advise is to drink
Heavily and recycle.

This is called the 401-Keg Plan.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 23, 2008, 06:15:28 PM
The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers
that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the
sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie
for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie
for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie For $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater
Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the
othe rs only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced
Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture , Ken's
Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's testicles."




Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 23, 2008, 07:05:57 PM

After getting Pope Benedicts entire luggage loaded into the limo, (and He doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd reall y like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who ya got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 23, 2008, 09:13:12 PM
Subject: Fw: Fwd: FW: dead donkey
 
Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
 
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
 
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
 
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
 
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
 
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
 
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
 
Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
 
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
 
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
 
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
 
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
 
Chuck grew up and works for the government.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 24, 2008, 12:14:28 AM
Proof Men Have Better Friends


 Friendship between Women:
 A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship between Men:
 A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
 The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over,
 and two said that he was still there
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 24, 2008, 06:07:49 PM
Will I live to see 80?
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?
''Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
 Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on July 24, 2008, 10:36:18 PM
After watching Red Skelton's Pledge video I spent some time looking for my favorite joke he told.  However, I could not find it.  This is as close to an off color story I ever heard him tell:

When asked about his daily routine Red responded "When I wake up I take a deep breath "snifffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff," and if I don't smell flowers and burning candles I know it is safe to open my eyes.  Next I reach into the night stand form my Playboy and thumb through it to get my heart started."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on July 24, 2008, 10:40:20 PM
Another story from Red:

The secretary at the Vatican ran into the Pope's office and announced that he had good news and bad news.  The Pope asked what was the good news.  His secretary announced that Jesus and called and he was back.  The Pope excitedly asked what was the bad.  His secretary responded that Jesus had phoned from Salt Lake City.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ocin on July 25, 2008, 04:47:17 AM
Bill can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor.

The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

Bill asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take some muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.

Bill says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.

; The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bill the go ahead to 'try out his new equipment'.

Bill takes his wife out to dinner . While at dinner Bill starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.

No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants.

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, 'That was pretty cool!! Can you do that again?'

With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bill says, 'Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass.'



The doctor should have prescribed cigars instead  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on July 25, 2008, 04:48:49 PM


 A woman, married three times, walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding

gown for her fourth wedding.

 

'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and color are you looking for?'

 

The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'

 

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature is considered more

appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?

Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'

 

'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, 'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite

appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding; he died as we were checking into our hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.'

 

'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.

 

'Oh, he was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how
good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.'

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: twyacht on July 25, 2008, 06:44:18 PM
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of North Carolina for
some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Save the Whales' hat, and a 'To Hell with Bush' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of an 8 foot black bear.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Conservative loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp; then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck, while the third tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Conservative loggers and Democratic Environmental Activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, 'Who was that guy?' 'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom.'

'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom but he sure don't know nothin about bear huntin! Is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Chapel Hill and get another one?'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on July 25, 2008, 07:29:13 PM
On my ride the other evening we stopped of for a "beverage" and I saw my next t-shirt being worn by a 250# bartender in need of a shave ... last week.  I'm looking for it in at least 2XL if not 3XL, but I'm sure those are the only sizes it comes in.

What did it say ?

In pretty pink script across his chest (I think he was at least a C cup) it said "I'm the hot chick you were hittin on last night"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on July 26, 2008, 02:55:52 PM
I didn't realize it, but these coupons are good for one gallon of gas at most retailers.

I have seen them around, but never knew what they were good for.

You probably have one lying around somewhere.

Make sure you use it before it expires.



Scroll down

 
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/forum/pointfinger.gif)















(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/five.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on July 26, 2008, 03:24:15 PM

(http://img510.imageshack.us/img510/8207/algoregunzk9.jpg)

Come up with your own caption for this photo.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ocin on July 26, 2008, 04:13:25 PM
(http://img510.imageshack.us/img510/8207/algoregunzk9.jpg)

Come up with your own caption for this photo.

Newest innovation in handgun technology, developed by the self defense department of the Brady Bunch: "protect yourself from home invasion with this state of the art weapon without risking harm to others"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on July 27, 2008, 06:42:28 AM
Newest innovation in handgun technology, developed by the self defense department of the Brady Bunch: "protect yourself from home invasion with this state of the art weapon without risking harm to others"

Oldie but a goodie - Smithcowski & Wessonovich
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on July 27, 2008, 08:49:21 AM
(http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Guns/AssaultWeapon-1.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on July 27, 2008, 07:55:39 PM
(http://img510.imageshack.us/img510/8207/algoregunzk9.jpg)

Come up with your own caption for this photo.

The newest in self defence weapons will be handed out to attendees at the Democratic Covention in Dever.  Viva la Republica!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on July 31, 2008, 12:34:32 AM
SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE
This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!
This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff
voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the
school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students
and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing
homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want
their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though
those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not
complete enough school work to pass their classes.

                 The outgoing message:

'Hello! You have reached the automated answering service
of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff
member, please listen to all the options before making a selection: '

'To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1'

'To make excuses for why your child did not do his work -Press 2'

'To complain about what we do - Press 3'

'To swear at staff members - Press 4'

'To ask why you didn't get information that was already
enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5'

'If you want us to raise your child - Press 6'

'If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7'
'To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8'

'To complain about bus transportation - Press 9'

'To complain about school lunches - Press 0'

'If you realize this is the real world and your child must
be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work,
homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of
effort: Hang up and have a nice day!'

'If you want this in Spanish, move to a country that speaks it!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 31, 2008, 02:22:33 AM
SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE
This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!
This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff
voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the
school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students
and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing
homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want
their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though
those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not
complete enough school work to pass their classes.

                 The outgoing message:

'Hello! You have reached the automated answering service
of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff
member, please listen to all the options before making a selection: '

'To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1'

'To make excuses for why your child did not do his work -Press 2'

'To complain about what we do - Press 3'

'To swear at staff members - Press 4'

'To ask why you didn't get information that was already
enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5'

'If you want us to raise your child - Press 6'

'If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7'
'To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8'

'To complain about bus transportation - Press 9'

'To complain about school lunches - Press 0'

'If you realize this is the real world and your child must
be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work,
homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of
effort: Hang up and have a nice day!'

'If you want this in Spanish, move to a country that speaks it!'


OUTSTANDING !
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ocin on July 31, 2008, 07:14:27 AM
Got this from http://www.smilezilla.com

Fun With Buttered Bread and Cats

Question: If when you drop a buttered piece of bread, it drops butter side down and a cat always lands on its feet. What would happen if you took a piece of buttered bread, strapped it on the back of a cat (butter side up) and dropped it?

Answer: Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash it's furry back.

If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.

That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred cats.

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and irritated aliens crash on top of them.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on July 31, 2008, 11:28:34 AM
Got this from http://www.smilezilla.com

Fun With Buttered Bread and Cats

Question: If when you drop a buttered piece of bread, it drops butter side down and a cat always lands on its feet. What would happen if you took a piece of buttered bread, strapped it on the back of a cat (butter side up) and dropped it?

Answer: Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash it's furry back.

If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.

That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred cats.

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and irritated aliens crash on top of them.


That gets the work day off to an appropriate start ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on July 31, 2008, 11:55:13 AM
Actually, if you tie a slice of buttered bread to the back of a cat it lands on its side.....the bread counteracts the natural ability of the cat to land on its feet!

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on July 31, 2008, 01:22:40 PM
Actually, if you tie a slice of buttered bread to the back of a cat it lands on its side.....the bread counteracts the natural ability of the cat to land on its feet!

Richard

HEY  HAZ ... get over here, we've got a theory to test
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on July 31, 2008, 02:06:10 PM
If it's French bread, will the cat retreat?




(I'm not bashing the French, it's just a joke)
(besides, I like their taters)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on July 31, 2008, 02:07:03 PM
Haz-

You could learn a thing or two from this cat:
(http://www.myownjournal.com/i/entry_images/3279_Cat%20holds%20gun.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on July 31, 2008, 05:21:06 PM
 Mark Your Calendar For Next Saturday!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see
any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide
If he does.

So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women
are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help
weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-
terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in
front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to
demonstrate they think it’s okay to see nude women other than
their wife, and to show support for all American women.

Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at
your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out
terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist
activity. God bless America!

It is your patriotic duty to pass this on. If you don't send this to
at least 5 people you're a terrorist sympathizing lily-livered
coward and are in the position of posing as a national threat!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: santahog on July 31, 2008, 05:22:42 PM

For anyone considering a military career, this will explain the
differences between the military services.... 

For those of you already serving/served, you already knew this:-)


Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you
meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start
with a '4.'
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life
is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral &
diagonal preferred)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or
tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention
to shoot.


Navy SEAL's Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.


US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.


US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.


US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?'
5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point
presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen and invite DOD & defense
industry
executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close
enough to have tax exemption.


US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
Go Navy !

And the next... (You've got to love the military, and God bless them
all.)

U.S. Navy Directive 16134 (Inappropriate T-Shirts) -- The following
directive was issued by the commanding officer of all naval
installations in the Middle East.  (It was obviously directed at the
Marines.)

To: All Commands
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts
Ref: ComMidEast For Inst 16134//24K
All commanders promulgate upon receipt.

The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any
military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:

1. 'Eat Pork or Die' [both English and Arabic versions]
2. 'Shrine Busters' [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery
shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
3. 'Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy' [Both English and Arabic versions]
4. 'Goat - it isn't just for breakfast anymore.' [Both English and
Arabic versions]
5. 'The road to Paradise begins with me.' [Mostly Arabic versions, but
some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs.]
6. 'Guns don't kill people. I kill people.' [Both Arabic and
English
versions]
7. 'Pork. The other white meat.' [Arabic version]
8. 'Infidel' [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]

The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of
this directive. In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon
receipt of this message:

1. 'Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800
Daily.'
2. 'Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dummies?'

All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon
receipt.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Pathfinder on July 31, 2008, 06:52:03 PM
Dayumm - that is funny. Especially after seeing the Navy Seal from Seal Team 10 at the NRA convention.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tumblebug on July 31, 2008, 07:29:56 PM
BULLSEYE+10
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: dj454 on July 31, 2008, 10:13:09 PM
Haz-

You could learn a thing or two from this cat:
(http://www.myownjournal.com/i/entry_images/3279_Cat%20holds%20gun.jpg)
Laughing my a** off.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Grizzle_Bear on August 01, 2008, 08:31:40 AM
From the “Telegraph” newspaper in the U.K.

The world's oldest jokes revealed by university research

Academics have unearthed what they believe to be Britain’s oldest joke, a 1,000-year-old double-entendre about men’s sexual desire.
 
By Stephen Adams, Arts Correspondent


 Researchers found examples of double-entendres buried in the Codex Exoniensis, a 10th century book of Anglo-Saxon poetry held at Exeter Cathedral

They found the wry observation in the Codex Exoniensis, a 10th century book of Anglo-Saxon poetry held at Exeter Cathedral.

It reads: “What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before?’ Answer: A key.”

Scouring ancient texts, researchers from Wolverhampton University found the jokes laid down in delicate manuscripts and carved into stone tablets up to three thousand years old.

Dr Paul MacDonald, a comic novelist and lecturer in creative writing, said ancient civilizations laughed about much the same things as we do today.

He said jokes ancient and modern shared “a willingness to deal with taboos and a degree of rebellion.”

“Modern puns, Essex girl jokes and toilet humour can all be traced back to the very earliest jokes identified in this research,” he commented.

Lost civilisations laughed at farts, sex, and "stupid people" just as we do today, Dr McDonald said.

But they found evidence that Egyptians were laughing at much the same thing.

"Man is even more eager to copulate than a donkey - his purse is what restrains him," reads an Egyptian hieroglyphic from a period that pre-dates Christ.

The study, for a digital television channel, took Dr McDonald and a five-strong team of scholars more than three months to complete.

They trawled the internet, contacted dozens of museums, and spoke to numerous private book collectors in a bid to track down modern, interpreted versions of the world's oldest texts.

The team then read the texts to find hidden jokes, double-entendres or funny riddles.

Dr McDonald said only those jokes that were amusing in an historical and modern context were included in the list.

Dr McDonald, a comic novelist and a senior lecturer in creative writing, added: "We began with the assumption that the oldest forms of jokes just would not have modern day appeal, but a lot of them do.

The world's oldest surviving joke "is essentially a fart gag", he said.

The 3,000-year-old Sumerian proverb, from ancient Babylonia, reads: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

The joke has echoes of actor John Barrymore's quip: "Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock."

Dr McDonald commented: "Toilet humour goes back just about as far as we can go."

Steve North, from Dave television, said: "What is interesting about these ancient jokes is that they feature the same old stand up comedy subjects: relationships, toilet humour and sex jokes.

"The delivery may be different, but the subject matter hasn't changed a bit."

Guess we're not doing anything new here......

Grizzle Bear
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 01, 2008, 12:11:11 PM
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door a and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances."

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . Kill her!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn.

She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet ..

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."


 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 01, 2008, 12:57:04 PM
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door a and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances."

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . Kill her!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn.

She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet ..

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."


 ;D


That actually has a basis in history. Early recruits to the OSS (WWII forerunner to the CIA) were taken to a hotel in NY and told that the occupant of room X was a Nazi Agent, the recruit was given a pistol  and told to kill him. Unknown to the recruit the bullets were wax and the "target" was wearing a padded jacket.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 01, 2008, 05:00:09 PM
 
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 'And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now our services are always  packed to the balcony.'


'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.'

'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said the elderly priest, 'But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.'

'But Father,' protested the young priest, 'my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!'

'Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.'

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 01, 2008, 06:14:51 PM
That's not so funny. Early recruits to the OSS (WWII forerunner to the CIA) were taken to a hotel in NY and told that the occupant of room X was a Nazi Agent, the recruit was given a pistol  and told to kill him. Unknown to the recruit the bullets were wax and the "target" was wearing a padded jacket.

It is in the realm of the classic "husband vs. wife" context that was meant by the joke.

Lighten up...it's a JOKE thread.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 01, 2008, 06:18:17 PM
Hope this don't offend anyone:

John, the farmer, was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too.
But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing.
The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair, and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...
The judges not only awarded old Butch the 'No Bell Piece Prize', but they awarded him the 'Pulletsurprise' as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.


Vote carefully this year.........you can't always hear the bells... 8)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 01, 2008, 08:43:05 PM
It is in the realm of the classic "husband vs. wife" context that was meant by the joke.

Lighten up...it's a JOKE thread.


Not saying I was offended, I laughed first (although my ex probably would have done the same thing) THEN I posted about the historical aspect. I went back and rephrased the first line of my post to more clearly convey my meaning.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 01, 2008, 09:20:16 PM
It's all good. I don't intentionally try to rile people up.
But, I am human (with some mechanical parts..ha ha) and sometimes type faster than I think.

For the most part, I think we're all in the same book, chapter, and on the same page (may be on different paragraphs from time to time, though).

So, I'll have a shot of bourbon and you have a shot of your favorite poison (if you're inclined to pull a cork) and we'll toast to a good laugh.
I could use a good laugh.
 ;D


Three little boys were sitting around talking about their fathers.

The first boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings."

The second boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings out of his nose."

The third boy said, "Well, my dad can blow smoke rings out of his ass."

The first and second boys where amazed.

The second boy said, "Have you seen him do it?"

"No," said the third boy, "but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear."  
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Majer on August 02, 2008, 09:04:32 AM
A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to  the husband, 'I have a confession to make,I'm not a virgin.'
The  husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.'The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'
'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'
'Tiger Woods.' 'Tiger Woods the golfer?'
 
'Yeah.'

'Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.'

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they  finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
'What are you  doing?' asks his wife.
The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to  call room service and get
some food.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that!' she  claims.
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed  and do it a second time.'

The husband puts down the phone and goes  back to bed to make love with
his wife a second time. When they finish, he  gets up and goes over to the phone.

'What are you doing?' she asks.
The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to call room  service
to get some food.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that,' again she claims.
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do  it a third time.'

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed  and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat.  He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks,  'Are you calling room service?'

'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tt11758 on August 02, 2008, 12:45:35 PM



Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you
meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start
with a '4.'
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life
is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral &
diagonal preferred)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or
tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention
to shoot.





OOO RAH!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: DesertMarine on August 02, 2008, 03:01:02 PM

OOO RAH!!

Gung Ho
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 02, 2008, 05:07:15 PM
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....

It reads:
 
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
 
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
 
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
 
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
 
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
 
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
 
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
 
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
 
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.....'
 
'Very well my son. Please follow me.'
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, ' Please knock on this door.'
 
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door...
This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
 
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
 
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
 
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on August 04, 2008, 01:27:14 AM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/sign.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on August 04, 2008, 06:10:59 AM
A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

 Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'

The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars.   I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?''

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

 The journalist leaves.   

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 04, 2008, 11:32:55 AM
A salesman was traveling through the country side, selling insect repellent.
He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. 'Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I  guarantee it.'
The farmer was dubious. 'Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll  tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If  there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you. And get everyone in the county to buy a case; we'll make you rich.'
The salesman was delighted.
They went to the field and he stripped.
The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a  stake, then off to bed went the farmer.
The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield.
Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him.
Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly,  haggard and drawn, but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. 'Son,' he said, 'Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?' The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, 'Doesn't that calf have a mother? 

 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on August 04, 2008, 12:43:23 PM
A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM ARIZONA, COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE
DIED.

HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRAND-CHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15 FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 04, 2008, 12:46:52 PM
A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM ARIZONA, COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE
DIED.

HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRAND-CHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15 FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

 ;D ;D Now that was funny!!!  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on August 05, 2008, 12:50:25 AM
There is always to sides to every issue and unexpected consequences .

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti- hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass, OR. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

He smiled and then told her, 'Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: DesertMarine on August 05, 2008, 12:55:22 PM
 
AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE
BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER
DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE ASKED:
 
 
WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?'
 
 
THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: 'MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS
THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND! PLEASE, GO AWAY AND
LEAVE ME ALONE.'
 
 
THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER
SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS
DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR.
 
 
TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID, 'DAD I'M
THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO
A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'
 
A COUPLE DAYS LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE
GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM,
OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.
 
 
SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING
A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE
COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.
 
 
THE WIFE ASKED: 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?'
 
 
THE HUSBAND REPLIED: 'I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW.'
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 05, 2008, 02:45:07 PM
Five Surgeons

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second from Chicago responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon from Dallas says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 05, 2008, 02:49:56 PM
A man owned a small farm in Wisconsin.

The Wisconsin State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit,' says the agent.

'You already are,' replied the farmer.


Title: Blonde Cowboy...
Post by: santahog on August 05, 2008, 07:55:01 PM
Blonde Cowboy
________________________________________
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the street with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks, "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says: "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

"We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt, so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants, so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.'

And here I am."

Son of a Gun, Blonde Men do exist.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 06, 2008, 12:39:15 PM
Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:

Walmart Employee: 'Hello, how can I help you?'

Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'

Walmart Employee:  'What you want on the cake?'

Customer:  'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: DesertMarine on August 06, 2008, 05:28:43 PM
*CATHOLIC HORSES *
 
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
 
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
 
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race
horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
 
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
 
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.
 
Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.  As the races continued,
the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
 
By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he
knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
 
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
 
Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
 
Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a
state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
 
Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened?
 
All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race,
the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost
every cent of my savings - all of it!"
 
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.  "Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Non-Catholics, you can't tell the difference between a
simple blessing and last rites.."
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tman on August 06, 2008, 05:31:44 PM
A farmer has this hen he fed nothing but sawdust, she laid 12 eggs, when they hatched eleven chicks had wooden legs, the twelfth well, he turned out to be a woodpecker.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on August 06, 2008, 07:27:30 PM
A farmer has this hen he fed nothing but sawdust, she laid 12 eggs, when they hatched eleven chicks had wooden legs, the twelfth well, he turned out to be a woodpecker.

Ouch!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 07, 2008, 03:20:07 PM
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulledby her dog & her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said.  'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar instead of his testicles, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
 :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on August 07, 2008, 03:23:57 PM
Women ... Painfully practical!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 08, 2008, 01:11:19 PM
A 1st grade teacher was reading the story of the 'Three Little Pigs' to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read, 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
 
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'
 
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be damned!! A talking pig!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on August 08, 2008, 08:14:15 PM
(http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/c/z/1/obama_super_obama.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 09, 2008, 11:04:42 AM
Classic Man v Woman
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: DesertMarine on August 09, 2008, 06:45:45 PM
A  guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes- Ben z CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshittin' me!

The social worker said, ' Yeah, well You started it.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 09, 2008, 06:53:36 PM
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
 
A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
 
The little boy replied, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine.'
 
The Priest said, 'No, son, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'
 
The little boy replied, 'You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on August 09, 2008, 07:44:48 PM
Only in Texas my friends... Only in Texas

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.   He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, Texas.  He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy' s expense.

The deputy says,' License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer.

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law  License and registration, please!' the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair.  Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 09, 2008, 07:51:10 PM
The Presidential election was too close to call.
Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win.
There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things.
The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.
Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.
After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota.
There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties.
At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.
Soon, Obama returned and had no fish.
Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.
That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, "Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating."
The next night (after John McCain returns with 50 fish), Reid said to Obama, "Well, tell me, how is John McCain cheating?"
Obama replied, "Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 09, 2008, 09:35:32 PM
Have you ever heard that a dog "knows" when an earthquake is about to hit?

Have you ever heard that a dog can "sense" when a tornado is stirring up, even 20 miles away?

Do you remember hearing that before the December tsunami struck east Asia , dogs started running frantically away from the seashore, at breakneck speed?

Do you know that dogs can detect cancer and other serious illnesses and danger of fire?

Somehow they always know when they can 'go for a ride' before you even ask and how do those dogs and cats get home from hundreds of miles away?

I'm a firm believer that animals  - and especially dogs - have keen insights into the Truth.

And you can't tell me that dogs can't sense a potentially terrible disaster well in advance.
 
Simply said, a dog just KNOWS when something isn't right .. .
when impending doom is upon us . .
they'll always try to warn us.... !!

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on August 09, 2008, 10:34:33 PM
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
 
A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
 
The little boy replied, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine.'
 
The Priest said, 'No, son, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'
 
The little boy replied, 'You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson.


(http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p78/hazcater/Fun%20Stuff/TigerFace.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on August 09, 2008, 10:45:02 PM
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v239/BobHAJ/images.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 10, 2008, 12:32:21 PM
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 22 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that, Doc ?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. 'I have an older friend , much like you, who's an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. OUT of pure habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied , 'My point exactly'.

 :o :o :o :o :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on August 11, 2008, 08:06:47 PM
(http://www.schnittshow.com/timages/page/butt_us_olympics_bush.jpg)

(http://www.schnittshow.com/timages/page/handcheck_us_olympics_bush.jpg)

(http://www.schnittshow.com/timages/page/bushslapback.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: someguy on August 11, 2008, 08:42:30 PM
Boy, that last one just BEGS for a caption, doesn't it?  It's almost too easy...
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ocin on August 12, 2008, 04:34:31 AM
(http://www.schnittshow.com/timages/page/butt_us_olympics_bush.jpg)

(http://www.schnittshow.com/timages/page/handcheck_us_olympics_bush.jpg)

(http://www.schnittshow.com/timages/page/bushslapback.jpg)

"Where's my laptop. I need to check my hotmail account for those bootleg viagra pill ads!"

It is too simple indeed  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 12, 2008, 01:49:04 PM
Boy, that last one just BEGS for a caption, doesn't it?  It's almost too easy...

"Here's a good spot to set my beer."

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on August 16, 2008, 01:01:37 AM
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for a physical.  All
his tests come back showing normal results.  The doctor
said, "George, everything looks great.  How are you doing
mentally and emotionally?  Are you at peace with God?"
 
George replied, "God and I are tight.  He knows I have
poor eyesight and he's fixed it so when I get up in the
middle of the night to go to the bathroom, "POOF"! the
light goes on.  When I'm finished, "POOF" the light goes
off."
 
Later in the day the doctor called George's wife, Ethel,
and said, "George is doing fine, but I had to call you
because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.  Is it
true that when he gets up during the night, the light goes
on in the bathroom and when he's finished the light goes
off?"
 
"Oh Lord help me! said Ethel, "he's peeing in the
refrigerator again!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ksail101 on August 16, 2008, 10:05:35 AM
This is better if it can be spoke so we will see how it turns out on here.

An Asian lady went to Canada for a vacation. she has a strong Japenese accent but speaks english well.
While up there she needed to exchange some money.
So she walks into the bank and gives the teller 10 dollars american and the lady gives her 11 back.
Well the day goes on and she spends her money.
The next morning she decides she needs more money exchanged,
so she walks into the bank gives the lady teller a 10 and this time she gets back only 7 dollars.
"She says hey, you rip me off lady. Yesterday you gave me 11 for 10."
The teller  replies " Fluctuation Ma'am"
The Asian lady says "No F***K you canadian"

 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 16, 2008, 11:26:10 AM
Senator BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation in upstate New York .
HE spoke for almost an hour on HIS future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should HE one day become the President. HE referred to his career as a Senator, how he had signed 'YES' for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.
Although the Senator was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his 'red sisters and brothers' .
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - 'Walking Eagle'.
The proud Senator then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name had given to the Senator.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of crap it can no longer fly.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 17, 2008, 02:16:30 PM
A SWABBY JOKE:

The Chief noticed a new Seaman one day and barked at him to get over here.

'What is your name?' was the first thing the Chief asked the new guy.

'George,' the new guy replied.

The Chief scowled, 'Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal pansy ass stuff they're teaching Sailors in bootcamp today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my
Sailors by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Chief. Do I make myself clear'?

'Aye, aye, Chief!'

'Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name ?'

The new guy sighed and said, 'Darling. My name is George Darling, Chief!'

'Okay----------------- George, here's what I want you to do...'
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on August 17, 2008, 03:52:36 PM
(http://www.nerdtests.com/picsarea/c7975dc9584871ad81bb16c77587107c.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 17, 2008, 05:02:05 PM
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down.

After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.

He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on August 17, 2008, 09:01:41 PM
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
 
  1. Open a new file in your computer.
  2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
  3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
  4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
  5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
  6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
  7. Feel better?
   
     GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!
 

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on August 17, 2008, 09:37:48 PM
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
 
  1. Open a new file in your computer.
  2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
  3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
  4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
  5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
  6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
  7. Feel better?
  
     GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!
 




ROFL  ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on August 18, 2008, 01:32:25 AM
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
 
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
 
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
 
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


((( I know.. I know... That's so Bad... I should apologize... :-[   . ;D ;D ;D )))

*Marshal said I should put up a disclaimer on that one.. He just read it and shook his head and left the room. *  hahahaha
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on August 18, 2008, 06:55:20 AM

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.'
'Oh my goodness gracious ,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?'
The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the f*ckin' sheet rock...'
Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 19, 2008, 06:47:22 PM
COWBOY CHILI

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in McAllen, TX. He sits at the

counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly

at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there

staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you

ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

 

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in

his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'

 

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his

place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the

bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and

he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on August 19, 2008, 09:54:00 PM
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v239/BobHAJ/darwinawards.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: RTFM on August 20, 2008, 08:11:25 AM
^ ^ ^  Speachless every tiome I see that ^ ^ ^

My Joke:

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers,
'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.


'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting......

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
Title: clocks
Post by: 2HOW on August 20, 2008, 01:32:45 PM
 
 A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at
 the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
 He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
 St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
 Lie-Clock.
 Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.
 'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'
 'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating
 that she never told a lie.'
 'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
 St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands
 have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
 life.'
 'Where's Barrack Obama's clock?' asked the man.
 'Obama's clock is in Jesus' office.
 He's using it as a ceiling fan.
 
 
 
Title: Re: clocks
Post by: ericire12 on August 20, 2008, 01:44:54 PM
I've heard that before as a Hillary joke
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on August 20, 2008, 02:41:31 PM
A Day in 2009
 
One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in
and meet with President Barack Obama."

 The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside
  here."
  The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to
the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Barack Obama".
 
   The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is
  not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again
  walked away.

  The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the
  very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President
  Barack Obama"

  The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
  said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
  speak to Mr. Obama.  I've told you already several times that Mr.
  Obama is not the President and doesn't reside here.  Don't you
  understand?"

  The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing
  your answer!"

  The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 20, 2008, 02:46:03 PM
An oldie, but a goodie:

Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to Obama, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said Obama. 'How about What Changes I Should Make To America?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?'

Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Then, do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know s**t?
 ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on August 20, 2008, 04:04:20 PM
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC)



Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or are about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said,

'Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?'

 'Wait a moment,' Socrates replied. 'Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three.'

 'Test of Three?'

 'That's correct,' Socrates continued. 'Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth.

Have you made absolutely sure that what you are
about to tell me is true?'

 'No,' the man replied, 'actually I just heard about it.'

 'All right,' said Socrates. 'So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness.   

Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?'

 'No, on the contrary...'

 'So,' Socrates continued, 'you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?'

 The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

 Socrates continued, 'You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?'

 'No, not really...'

 'Well,' concluded Socrates, 'if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?'

 The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.  This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

 It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 20, 2008, 05:38:55 PM
OK.......I just sprayed sweet tea all over my computer.....thanks.... ;D
Title: Re: clocks
Post by: Pathfinder on August 20, 2008, 06:35:11 PM
I've heard that before as a Hillary joke

It still works.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Grizzle_Bear on August 21, 2008, 01:16:28 PM
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC)




 It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.




Okay, I think we have a new winner for "Best Joke of the Thread."

 ;D

Grizzle Bear

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 21, 2008, 04:07:28 PM
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, 'I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him'.

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.'

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, 'I'm Jim, and I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on August 22, 2008, 11:30:02 AM
Ahhhhhhhhh Lawyers.... ::)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh..... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children.'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. 'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So..... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 22, 2008, 02:25:54 PM
John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. 
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. 
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. 
Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, uh, my wife Michelle, uh, will smell that, uh, and think I've been in a whorehouse'.   
The second barber turned to McCain and said, 'How about you?'
McCain replied, 'Go ahead, friend, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 22, 2008, 05:30:19 PM
Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on
the street corner with a sign "FREE KITTENS" next to them.

Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front.

The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car.

"Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?" he asked.

"Kittens" Little Suzy says. "They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet."

"What kind of kittens are they?" he asked.

"Democrats" says Little Suzy.

The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away.

Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

It was planned that they would retu rn the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.

The next day, Little Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the "FREE KITTENS" sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Sen. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Suzy.

"Now, don't be frightened," he said, "I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today."

"Yes sir," Suzy said, "The are all REPUBLICAN kittens."

Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, "But yesterday, you told me that they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Suzy says, "Yes, I know.  But today, they have their eyes open."






Just to be clear: I do not claim to be a Republican or a Democrat. But a good joke is a good joke.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 22, 2008, 06:56:31 PM
A 70-year-old Texas Rancher got his hand caught in a gate while working cattle.

He wrapped the hand in his bandana and drove his pickup to the doctor.

While suturing the laceration, the doctor asked the old man what he thought about Obama.

The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, that Obama's a 'Post Turtle.'"

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked what a Post Turtle was.

The old man looked at him and drawled, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a Post Turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't really belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb bastard get down."

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 23, 2008, 12:14:24 PM
>   > Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near
>   > the lake.
>   >
>   > The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I
>   > can't understand how
>   > you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age;
>   > we were the same size
>   > as kids. I just don't get it.'
>   >
>   > 'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been
>   > eating?'
>   >
>   > 'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
>   >
>   > 'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
>   >
>   > 'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot
>   > by the Capitol.'
>   >
>   > 'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'
>   >
>   > 'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and
>   > wait for one to unlock
>   > the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake
>   > the shit out of
>   > them and eat 'em!'
>   >
>   > 'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see
>   > your problem. You're not
>   > getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish
>   > shaking the shit
>   > out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an
>   > asshole and a briefcase. :D ;D ;D :D ;)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 23, 2008, 12:21:51 PM
Now that was funny..... ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 23, 2008, 12:27:00 PM
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact," he pointed out,"some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky t-shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 23, 2008, 08:33:26 PM
Teacher Application

THIS IS PRICELESS!!

After being interviewed by the school administration, the teaching prospect
said,

'Let me see if I've got this right:

'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their
disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress
habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for
learning.

'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and
sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and
personal pride.

'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and
fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a
job. You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of
antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the state exams.

'You want me to provide them with an equal education regard less of their
handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents by letter, telephone,
newsletter, and report card.

'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin
board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for
food stamps. You want me to do all this and then you tell me:


I CAN'T PRAY?




MMmmm, I probably should have posted this on one of the political threads. But it is a JOKE.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on August 24, 2008, 01:01:25 PM
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a
long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
 
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding
how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so
on.
 
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
 
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
 
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, 'Is that one word or two?'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 24, 2008, 01:13:10 PM
My appologies to you 'good democrats' in here:

A woman, married three times, walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color are you looking for?"

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first  time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?  Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate.  Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened..."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 25, 2008, 04:06:55 PM
And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.''

And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

''Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

''Six months, and it starts to rain,'' thundered the Lord. ''You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.''

And six months passed.

The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.

The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping.

And there was no Ark.

''Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?'' A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.

''Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. And the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,'' Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.

''You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?'' Noah asked, hopefully.

''Wrong!'' thundered the Lord. ''But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something man invented himself.''

''What's that?'' asked Noah.

There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke: ''Government.''
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 26, 2008, 03:26:41 PM

The Democrats have suddenly developed a keen sense of morality.

John Edwards has been banned from making a speech at the Democrat convention for having an affair and lying about it.

Bill Clinton will be speaking in his place.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on August 26, 2008, 04:39:17 PM
Why have an amature when you can go with a pro?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Bill Stryker on August 26, 2008, 05:22:13 PM

The Gynecologist who became a Mechanic                                     
                                                                         
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and           
HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another                   
career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to             
become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college,                 
signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned           
all he could.                                                             
                                                                         
When the time of the practical exam approached, the                       
gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the               
exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was             
surprised to find that he had obtained a score of                         
150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying 'I               

don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result,           

but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.                           
                                                                         
The instructor said, 'During the exam, you took the engine               

apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You               
put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also               
worth 50% of the mark.'                                                   

                                                                         
After a pause, the instructor added, 'I gave you an extra 50%             

because you did it all through the muffler.'   
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 26, 2008, 05:35:05 PM
A group of country friends wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.
The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.
So Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak.
However, knowing that mushrooms are so expensive, she told her husband, "No mushrooms -- they are too high."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."
She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."
He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK."
So Janet decided to give it a try.
She picked a bunch -- washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful.
Ol' Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve.
She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played dominoes.
About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's ear.
She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died."
Janet went into hysterics.
After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on August 27, 2008, 07:23:54 AM
Ice Fishing
The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win.. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota.

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verifi- cation by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John Mc. returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John Mc. came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John Mc. is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'

The next night (after John Mc. returns with 50 (fish), Reid said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John Mc. cheating?'

Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, he's cutting holes in the ice.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 29, 2008, 12:59:07 PM
A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of
them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MinotBob on August 29, 2008, 07:57:26 PM
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At eight, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. And last year you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

"If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 30, 2008, 12:06:09 PM
Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.

But, the store wasn't ready yet and only had a few empty shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and look, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked, 'What might ye be sellin' here?'.

One of the men replied very sarcastically, 'We're selling assholes'.
         
Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, 'You're doin' well then... only two left!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on August 31, 2008, 07:16:27 AM
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it
over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene:
What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces
to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is after all, over 80 years of age), but
very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on August 31, 2008, 11:26:12 AM
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop.

I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a 'Jerk".

He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a 'doughnut eating jackass.'

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I verbally abused him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care.

I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, 'Obama in '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

It's important to my health.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on September 01, 2008, 12:30:10 AM
Barak Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
 
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.
He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
 
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."
 
Barak said, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special Senator's airplane."
 
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes."
 
Barak said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!"
 
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!"
 
Barak was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you're handicapped."
 
The kid said, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your butt from drowning!”
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 01, 2008, 12:33:38 PM
I recently turned 45 and had to get a new primary care physician at the VA for my Medical coverage.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I will live to be 50?'

He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either.'

'Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?'
'I said, 'No, I usually stay home and keep to myself'.

'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.

'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of those things'.
   
He looked at me and said,
'Then why do you give a s**t?'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Marshal Halloway on September 02, 2008, 09:36:39 PM

Jeff Dunham and Bubba J. Click on the player.


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 03, 2008, 11:03:41 AM
Thanks, Marshal...Jeff Dunham is one funny comedian.

Here is a link to one of my favorites, Achmed the Dead Terrorist...... ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on September 03, 2008, 10:08:45 PM
In one way this is our strength, we laugh at the bastards.

In another way it is our weakness, we don't take them seriously.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on September 03, 2008, 10:15:19 PM
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the
plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards
his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside
his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out 'Business trip or
pleasure?'

She turned, smiled and said, 'Business, I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America convention in Chicago ,'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever
seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting
for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your
business role at the convention?'

'I am the lead lecturer,' she responded. 'I take what I have learned from
my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
sexuality.'

'Really,' he said, 'and what kinds of myths are there?'

'Well.' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are
the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is
that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of
Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the
absolute best stamina is the Southern Redneck.'

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry'
she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't
even know your name.'

'Tonto,' the man said, 'Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 03, 2008, 11:44:28 PM
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.
They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.

Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien.

He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion.

A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed.

When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his willy over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 04, 2008, 04:58:45 PM
Discrimination in America
Once again discrimination rears its ugly head........



(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj216/marshalette/ATT11.jpg)

Will it NEVER end ?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on September 04, 2008, 05:36:50 PM
Marshalette, where is that bar?

Richard
Proud member Dirty Old Man Club!!!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 04, 2008, 10:36:04 PM
An old man in his mid eighties struggles to get up from the couch, then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, ask, 'Where are you going?'
He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'
She says, 'Why, are you sick?'
He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, 'Where the heck are you going?'
She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'
He says, 'Why, what do you need?'
She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 06, 2008, 11:25:43 PM
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

'The cop asked, 'WHAT'S HE LIKE?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

'CROWN ROYAL whiskey and women with Big Tits.'
 
 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on September 06, 2008, 11:32:24 PM
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

'The cop asked, 'WHAT'S HE LIKE?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

'CROWN ROYAL whiskey and women with Big Tits.'
 
 
 

Mette...you realize that narrows it down to about 97% of the grandfather aged dudes.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 07, 2008, 01:50:31 PM
OK...here's a short 'groaner'.......


A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker.

The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.

"Sir," the cop says, "Why do you have all those knives?"

"They're for my juggling act," the man says.

"I don't believe you," says the cop, "Prove it."

So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives.

At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.

"Man," says the first guy, "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on September 07, 2008, 10:56:26 PM
Forgive me if I've posted this one before, but I crossed a mile stone the other day and it hasn't gone well.

The other day an older couple was sitting at the local steak house enjoying an evening out.  As the evening went on the man was having a tough time chewing his steak.  As he complained to his wife about his old dentures the couple at the next table overheard and the gentleman reached in his pocket, pulled out a set of teeth and said "try these." 

After chewing for a little while he commented they were a little loose.  The gentleman reached in his other pocket, took out another set and exchanged.

After another piece of steak the man said these are better, but just a tad tight.  The gentleman reached in his breast pocket and produced a third set.

After a bite of steak, then another and yet another the old man grinned and said these are perfect!

The couples continued their meals and evenings side by side without any more exchange.  As the gentleman and his wife got up to leave the elderly lady thanked him profusely for the help and inquired "Are you a dentist?"  "No" came the reply "A funeral director." ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 08, 2008, 04:42:04 PM
Nair Pharmacist Warning

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some 'Nair' hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.' The lady says: 'I'm not using it under my arms.' The druggist says: 'If you're using it on your legs don't shave for 2 days.' The lady says: 'I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer'. The druggist says: 'Stay off your bicycle for a week'.

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 08, 2008, 09:40:35 PM
50 Years of marriage
 
 

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table
together.'
'I know,' the old man said.  'We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered.  'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are
as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.  ::)   'One's in your coffee and the
other is in your oatmeal.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on September 09, 2008, 12:26:57 AM
Lucky Day?

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in. 

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment." 

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer is broken."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on September 09, 2008, 08:52:52 AM
Video: Triumph The Insult Comic Dog at the Republican convention


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eneq0jcMlTw
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on September 09, 2008, 10:37:53 AM
That's it...keep the stereotypes going.  IDIOT!  (NOT you Encircle)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 09, 2008, 12:56:34 PM
Two good old boys were trying to get a stubborn mule into a barn.
The mule's ears touched the top of the small barn door, and he wouldn't proceed any further.
One of the boys came up with a bright idea.
"Why don't we cut two holes in the barn above the door for the ears to go through?"
So they proceeded to do this.
A city man was driving by and noticed the spectacle.
So he asked what they were doing.
They told him they were cutting holes in the barn so the mule could go through the door.
He asked, "Why don't you simply take a shovel and dig a small trench in the dirt?"
One good old boy looked at the other and said, "Isn't that just like a city slicker."
Then he yelled, "It's his ears that are too big, not his legs!"

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on September 09, 2008, 04:16:37 PM
(http://i41.photobucket.com/albums/e289/jv444/OneWeekendaMonthMyAss-AirNationalGu.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 12, 2008, 11:31:04 AM
A few short chuckles:


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?"
Larry replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

---------------------------------- -------------------------

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

--------------------------------------------------

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week".
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"

--------------------------------------------------

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.
"Me neither doc," said the husband, "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.

--------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you".
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

--------------------------------------------------

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

--------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent Replies, "Just a minute.."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

--------------------------------------------------

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

--------------------------------------------------

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her, I didn't believe in hell."

--------------------------------------------------

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS!"

--------------------------------------------------

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.
It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one.

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Hazcat on September 12, 2008, 12:40:35 PM
Ba Da Bump! (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/musik/music-smiley-009.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 12, 2008, 12:52:35 PM
Ba Da Bump! (http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/musik/music-smiley-009.gif)

Thanks, Haz, for keeping me "grounded in reality"...... ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on September 13, 2008, 10:40:33 AM
(http://www.fmft.net/Glock%20Open%20Carry.JPG)

Does this count as IWB?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 13, 2008, 10:47:36 AM
Maybe....how bout this "Pistol Packin' Mamma:

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 13, 2008, 11:43:38 AM
Barack Obama was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside.

He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating that grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."

"Bring them along!" Obama said.

They all climbed into the limo.

Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

Obama replied, "No, you don't understand. I'm not taking you in. It's just that the grass at my house is over a foot tall!"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: kmitch200 on September 13, 2008, 03:38:05 PM
A man, seeking to join the police department, is being interviewed.
 
The Inspector says: "Your qualifications are good, but there is an attitude test that you must pass before you can join."
 
Sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol - go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six child molesters and a rabbit."
 
"...Why the rabbit?"
 
"GREAT attitude," says the Inspector, "You passed!  When can you start?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 14, 2008, 02:33:16 AM
Little Suzy and her kittens
-----------------------------------
Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign "FREE KITTENS" next to them.

Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front.

The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car.

"Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?" he asked.

"Kittens" Little Suzy says. "They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet, and I have to take care of them."

"What kind of kittens are they?" he asked.

"Democrats" says Little Suzy.

The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away.

Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.

The next day, Little Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the "FREE KITTENS" sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS, and CNN.

Everyone had their cameras ready and then Sen. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Suzy.

"Now, don't be frightened," he said,

"I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today."

"Yes sir," Suzy said, "The are all REPUBLICAN kittens."

Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, "But yesterday, you told me that they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Suzy says, "Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 14, 2008, 10:10:05 PM
A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.

The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 14, 2008, 11:12:07 PM
Sickest joke of all time:
(http://www.cascity.com/howard/animations/196.gif)


Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of
tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. Then they start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now though' mum confides.

'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'.

'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.

'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18,' she whispers.

'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school.'

'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 15, 2008, 12:48:04 AM
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, 'You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day.'

Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.

To this the manager replies, 'You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day.'

Stunned, the man leaves Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives
home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.

Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, 'What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!'

'Ha!' snorts the man. 'If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour.'

Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also. :'(

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 15, 2008, 01:05:23 AM
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

* 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
* 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
* 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
* 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
* 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
* 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
* 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
* 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
* 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
* 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
* 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. ********!

The re was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow --but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now . . .


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 15, 2008, 11:28:54 AM
Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves, when Ted walks in looking distressed.

"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.

Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk, and then somewhere between here and my house, I was abducted by an alien?"

Everyone is shocked.

"I heard about this kind of thing happening!" Bills says. "What did the alien do to you?"

"I don't remeber all the details," Ted says. "All I remember is being 'probed' by the alien."

Everyone is horrified.

"I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"

Ted responds, "Carl."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 15, 2008, 11:50:42 AM
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00


The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"

The waiter replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?"
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Big Frank on September 15, 2008, 07:45:02 PM

Barak Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and  landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3  kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland.'

Barak said, 'No problem, I'll take you  there on my special Senator's airplane.

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes.'

Barak said, 'I'll get them for you and even  have Michael Jordan sign them!'

The third kid said, 'I want a motorized  wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

Barak was a little perplexed by this and said,  'But you don't look like you're  handicapped.'

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on September 15, 2008, 10:55:24 PM
This is really good if you own a wood stove or fireplace.

 

 FARWOOD
 
 "Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?"

 "Yes. What can I do for you?"

  "I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith.
 He's  drillin' holes in his farwood and hiding marijuana inside!"

 "Thank you very much for the call, sir."

 The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend on
 Virgil's house. They search the shed where the
 firewood is kept.
 Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but finds
 no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

 The phone rings at Virgil's house.

 "Hey, Virgil!  This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"

 "Yeah!"

 "Did they split yer farwood?"

 "Yep!"

 "Happy Birthday, buddy!"

 (Who says rednecks aren't real bright?!)

  ;D

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on September 15, 2008, 10:58:53 PM
HOW DID WE SURVIVE ? ? ?
Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have.
As children we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
Our baby cribs were painted with bright colored lead based paint.
We often chewed on the crib, ingesting the paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes we had no helmets.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day.
We played dodge ball and sometimes the ball would really hurt.
We played with toy guns, cowboys and Indians, army, cops and robbers, and used our fingers to simulate guns when the toy ones or the BB gun was not available.
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda, but we were never over weight; we were always outside playing.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't, had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Some students weren't as smart as others or didn't work hard so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.
That generation produced some of the greatest risk-takers and problem solvers.
We had the freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), the term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.
We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors.
I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid kids!
I guess PE must be much harder than gym.
Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson by running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and hitting the wet spot.
How much better off would we be today if we only knew we could have sued the school system.
Speaking of school, we all said prayers and the pledge (amazing we aren't all brain dead from that), and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention for about the next two weeks.
We must have had horribly damaged psyches.
Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an abortion or condoms (we wouldn't have known what either was anyway) but they did give us a couple of baby aspirin and cough syrup if we started getting the sniffles.
What an archaic health system we had then.
Remember school nurses?
Ours wore a hat and everything.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, PlayStation, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital cable stations.
I must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize through the denial of the dangers could have befallen us as we trekked off each day about a mile down the road to some guy's vacant 20, built forts out of branches and pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone Ranger.
What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on that lot.
He should have been locked up for not putting up a fence around the property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm.
Oh yeah...and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting?
I could have been killed!
We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites and when we got hurt, mom pulled out the 48 cent bottle of mercurochrome and then we got butt-whooped.
Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and then mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got butt-whooped (physical abuse) there too... and then we got butt-whooped again when we got home.
Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids choked down the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks (remember why Tonka trucks were made tough... it wasn't so that they could take the rough berber in the family room), and Dad drove a car with leaded gas.
Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play and I am sure that I nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went on two week vacations.
I should probably sue the folks now for the danger they put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.
Summers were spent behind the push lawnmower and I didn't even know that mowers came with motors until I was 13 and we got one without an automatic blade-stop or an auto-drive.
How sick were my parents?
Of course my parents weren't the only psychos.
I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off.
Little did his mom know that she could have owned our house.
Instead she pick him up and swatted him for being such a goof.
It was a neighborhood run amuck.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.
How could we possibly have know that we needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes?
We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!
How did we survive?  ??? ???
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on September 15, 2008, 11:03:47 PM
MAN IS LYING IN BED IN THE HOSPITAL WITH AN OXYGEN MASK OVER HIS MOUTH.

A YOUNG NURSE APPEARS TO SPONGE HIS HANDS AND FEET. "NURSE", HE MUMBLES
FROM BEHIND THE MASK, ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?"

EMBARRASSED, THE YOUNG NURSE REPLIES, "I DON'T KNOW, I'M ONLY HERE TO
WASH YOUR HANDS AND FEET.

HE STRUGGLES AGAIN TO ASK, NURSE, ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?"

FINALLY, SHE PULLS BACK THE COVERS, RAISES HIS GOWN, HOLDS HIS PRIVATES
IN ONE HAND AND HIS TESTICLES IN HER OTHER HAND AND TAKES A CLOSE LOOK
AND SAY'S,

"THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM!"

FINALLY, THE MAN PULLS OFF HIS OXYGEN MASK AND REPLIES," THAT WAS VERY
NICE BUT, ARE --MY--TEST--RESULTS--BACK ?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on September 15, 2008, 11:07:05 PM
I'm on a roll here. :D
Mike was going to be married to Julie, so his father sat
him down for a little fireside chat ..

He says "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding
night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and
handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on."

So, she did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.'

So I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I
always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems.

"Hmmm," says Mike. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike takes off his pants and says to Julie,
"Here try these on." So she does and says, "These are too large,
they don't fit me."

So Mike says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I
always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Julie takes off her pants and hands them to Mike and says,
"Here you try on mine." So he does and says, "I can't get into your
pants."

So Julie says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass
attitude, you never will."
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on September 15, 2008, 11:24:05 PM
Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married.  He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.  He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over.  She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.  She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.  She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves
him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market.  She earns several times the $5,000.  She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.  She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.  This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: deepwater on September 15, 2008, 11:25:04 PM
A husband and wife are shopping in Costco's when the man picks up a crate of Budweiser Beer and sticks them into the shopping cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife 'They're on sale today, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he says.

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they continue on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the shopping cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies... 'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BUDWEISER BEER AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE'
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: PegLeg45 on September 16, 2008, 11:46:07 AM
Deepwater, I'm glad to see we have another member with a keen sense of humor.
I like a good joke almost as much as I like a shot of Wild Turkey.......almost (laughs can only go so far)........
 ;D

A little Redneck Poem:

    SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
    SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
    SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
    SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

    PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
    YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
    I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
    BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

    SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
    AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
    BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
    HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

    YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
    AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
    BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
    I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

    BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
    JUST DO WHAT MAKES YA' HAPPY.
    MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
    YA' AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.


    Brings a tear to your eyes, don't it?
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Ichiban on September 16, 2008, 01:14:20 PM
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She Spends
$5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the
clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I
am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald 's and asks the counter girl the
very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope. I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some
mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh,
I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her
the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm almost 70 and my eye sight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your
bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best
of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast... He
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
"Okay,okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says. "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: tombogan03884 on September 17, 2008, 11:18:36 AM



A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off
and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing,"
the nun said tartly..

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to
strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
"Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes
out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.



And from the sky comes a booming voice ......

 
"Shit, I missed." 
 

 
 
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 17, 2008, 12:55:13 PM
Cancel your credit card before you die.....

Now some people are really stupid!!!!
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. 

This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening,
customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member:   'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

Citibank :  'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member  : 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Citiban k : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member : So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank : 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member : 'Do you think God will be mad at her?' 

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member : 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'


Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member : 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.' 

Family Member : 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank  : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member : 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given) 

Citibank:  'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member : 'Sure.' (Fax number was given.)

After they get the fax :

Citibank : 'Our system just isn't set-up for death.
I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member  : 'Well, if you figure it out, great!
If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank:  'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'
(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member  : 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank : 'That might help.'

Family Member : ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery !'

Family Member : 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???


     (Priceless!!)    
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on September 17, 2008, 03:16:14 PM
(http://www.pipebombnews.com/readerimages/crosshairs.gif)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on September 17, 2008, 03:33:15 PM
A Teaching Moment:
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls had
begun to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips
to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the
maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put
them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem
for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can
just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the 20 girls how much effort was required. He took
out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the
mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the
mirror....

There are teachers....and then there are educators.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on September 17, 2008, 03:36:17 PM
Marshall'ette, this goes along with your billing joke...I heard it on Paul Harvey and it is supposed to be true.

A guy kept getting a bill for $0.00 so he ignored it.  He kept getting this bill so he decided to send a check for $0.00.  He received a "Thank You" for the payment - go figure.

Richard
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on September 18, 2008, 07:05:11 AM
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.   
The morgue needed someone to identify the body,   
so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.   
The three men had always done everything together.   
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,   
Cooter said,  'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.  You better roll him over'.
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'         
The mortician thought this was rather strange.   
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.                                           
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'       
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'         
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'   
Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'                                 
'What?  He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.           
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say,   
'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: mudman on September 18, 2008, 08:56:24 PM
Was that a redneck joke ? ;D ;D ;D ;D :o :o :o
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: jaybet on September 18, 2008, 09:49:30 PM
Pretty hard to get burned up without your neck getting red.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on September 19, 2008, 10:21:21 AM
What if Obama's email was hacked:

(http://americandigest.org/Obama-Deletes-Inbox_redo.jpg)



Here is a better view if you cant read it:

http://americandigest.org/Obama-Deletes-Inbox_redo.jpg
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: someguy on September 19, 2008, 11:45:50 AM
What if Obama's email was hacked:

(http://americandigest.org/Obama-Deletes-Inbox_redo.jpg)



Here is a better view if you cant read it:

http://americandigest.org/Obama-Deletes-Inbox_redo.jpg


That is HILARIOUS.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: MikeBjerum on September 19, 2008, 07:57:41 PM
No Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto    However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.  The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.


 


 
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.  She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
 
 
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts.  The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
 
 
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.  Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
 

 
 
What were you thinking?  Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
 
Now quit messin on the internet and get back to work!

I don't know about you sometimes!  ;D


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: brosometal on September 20, 2008, 06:52:46 AM
What if Obama's email was hacked:

(http://americandigest.org/Obama-Deletes-Inbox_redo.jpg)



Here is a better view if you cant read it:

http://americandigest.org/Obama-Deletes-Inbox_redo.jpg

Another reason why Dick Cheney rules.  Dick Cheney for king!
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: Teresa Heilevang on September 20, 2008, 11:28:12 AM
A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern
And sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER:
     $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

HAND JOB:
     $1,000.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally
 attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'Can I help you?'

'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'

'Yes,' she purrs, 'I  am.'

The old biker replies, 'Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ericire12 on September 20, 2008, 11:57:14 AM
A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern
And sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER:
     $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

HAND JOB:
     $1,000.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally
 attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'Can I help you?'

'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'

'Yes,' she purrs, 'I  am.'

The old biker replies, 'Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.


Comment of the day award!

(http://www1.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/604777/2/istockphoto_604777_miniature_trophy_blank.jpg)
Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
Post by: ellis4538 on September 22, 2008, 06:33:01 AM
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4Th grade students. "Human Beings
Are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the
girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he
jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back,
went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss" and before he could say "Shit," the
Rottweiler ate Him!


Title: Re: Classic joke thread...
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