Classic joke thread...

[MinotBob]

A teacher was explaining to her class that certain colors are associated with particular colors, so she passed out lifesavers to each child. The children began to identify the flavors by their color:


Red......................Cherry

Yellow................Lemon

Green..................Lime

Orange ............... Orange


Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None

of the children could identify the taste.


The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your

mother may sometimes call your father.'


One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and

yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

[tt11758]

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in  the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'
The cop says: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine..'
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: 'And her, what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing  obscene is happening!
The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The cop asks: 'And her ... what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'

[tombogan03884]

          MORALS...

·       
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the
bus:


1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.


2. An old friend who once saved your life.


3 The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.


Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue
reading.


This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part
of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is
going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take
the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be
the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able
to find your perfect mate again.




YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS....................




The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car
keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I
would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'


Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn
thought limitations.


Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'



HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put
her out of her misery because Obama's health care won't pay for her, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood
of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.


God, I just love happy endings!

[PegLeg45]

When you are having a bad day,

and think that you are having problems,

just remember:

SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD, THERE IS A MR. PELOSI.

[PegLeg45]

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

[Sponsor]

[PegLeg45]

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Pine Street Elementary in Spartanburg , SC forwarded the following letter.

The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say "thank you". This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.


Dear Pine Street Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Rosecrest Retirement Home. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Agnes Baker

[PegLeg45]

Listen up guys, here's my personal public service announcement:
 
I haven’t yet checked out Snopes for this one, but even if it turns out to be just an urban legend there might be something in it from which we can learn:

*****
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me totally by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping bags into the trunk.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.
You agree and they get into the back seat.
On the way, they start undressing.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
 
I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th.
Also August 1st & 4th, twice on the 5th, 9th, 11th, 12th & 13th, three times yesterday, twice today and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.


P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each~~I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out.
Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds.
I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Depot.

 

[PegLeg45]

 8 beers - $32
 2 plane tickets - $1000
 1 Day of a Harvard Professor's time - $500
 1 Day of the Vice Presidents time - $850
 1 Day of the President's time - $1,000


 Watching 3 crooks apologize to an "honest cop" - PRICELESS!

[PegLeg45]

A definite repeat...but funny.........



A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.
 
He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
 
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
 
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in  my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'
 
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.

Everyone  turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
 
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were  screaming and raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.
 
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
 
Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.
 
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something... You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
 
Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the Sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'

[Kid Shelleen]

A polar bear walks into a bar and says "bartender, I'll have a rum and..............................................................................Coke.
The bartender says, "Why the long pause?
Polar bear says, "Dunno, I've always had 'em.

Ba   dump   bump.