Classic joke thread...

[tombogan03884]

I know who JR was, but even ten I didn't care who shot him, beyond thinking they had done television a great service

[Jim Kennedy-ar154me]

1966 vs 2016


2016 NEW YEAR
This should be sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...

1966: Long hair
2016: Longing for hair

1966: KEG
2016: EKG

1966: Acid rock
2016: Acid reflux

1966: Moving to California because it's cool
2016: Moving to Arizona because it's warm

1966: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2016: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1966: Seeds and stems
2016: Roughage

1966: Hoping for a BMW
2016: Hoping for a BM

1966: Going to a new, hip joint
2016: Receiving a new hip joint

1966: Rolling Stones
2016: Kidney Stones

1966: Screw the system
2016: Upgrade the system

1966: Disco
2016: Costco

1966: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2016: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1966: Passing the drivers' test
2016: Passing the vision test

1966: Whatever
2016: Depends

I shamelessly stole and passed along;

[billt]

I shamelessly stole and passed along;

That's what they're all there for. 

[Big Frank]

I just noticed what time the last post was. 02:02:02. I'm about to steal another joke.

[Big Frank]

         
President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht; the Pope
accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right
into the water.

It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in
place.

The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get
it, when Trump waved them off, saying "Never mind, boys, I'll get it."

The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the
hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and
handed the Pope his hat.

The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were
speechless.

No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.

But that afternoon, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, and CNN
reported:  "TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!"

Stolen and when I sent the email the title I put on it was "This is how fake news works." It seemed appropriate.

[Sponsor]

[les snyder]

OK... this was on the net, but gave me a chuckle anyway...emergency telephone rings at the control tower of a small airport... caller- this is a "mayday"... my pilot just had a massive heart attack, and is dead... he programmed this number into his cell before takeoff... tower- keep calm, do you know what type of aircraft you are in... caller- 172... tower- good, we have experienced pilots that can talk you down... what is your altitude and airspeed?..  caller- altitude is 12,000 ft and 150 knots, I'm in a cloud bank and inverted... tower- how do you know the airspeed and alitiude?  caller... the altimeter reads 12,000 and the air speed indicator reads 150 knots ... tower- how do you know you are inverted?.... caller- I crapped my pants, and its running down the back of my neck

[Solus]

Number 4 best seller on Amazon right now. 

"The most exhaustively researched and coherently argued Democrat Party apologia to date, "Reasons To Vote For Democrats: A Comprehensive Guide" is a political treatise sure to stand the test of time. A must-have addition to any political observer's coffee table. "Thorough" --Ben Shapiro, nationally syndicated columnist and New York Times bestselling author"[/b]


https://www.amazon.com/Reasons-Vote-Democrats-Comprehensive-Guide/dp/1543024971

Before you rush there to buy it: 

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2017/03/09/amazon-best-seller-reasons-to-vote-for-democrats-book-is-just-empty-pages.html

[Big Frank]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
 
'Mommy, the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
 
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'
 
'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'
 
'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
 
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
 
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
 
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
 
'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
 
'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
 
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
 
The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?
 
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
 
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
 
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
 
'Oh really?' the mother asks, 'Why?'
 
'Because you got an F in sex!'

[TAB]

I have been told there is a very cool classic wood boat in this picture....

I have been staring at it for hours, I still can't spot the boat.

[Ranger Dave]

boat???