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Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1369581 times)

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5230 on: November 20, 2019, 11:28:19 PM »
SAD NEWS  :'(

Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough and Dill Dough, plus they had one in the oven. Services were held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5231 on: November 20, 2019, 11:40:02 PM »
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass. The doctor described his condition as stable.



If Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber were both drowning and you only had time to save one...

What kind of sandwich would you make?



It only takes a second to show someone how you feel about them.

The police call it indecent exposure but, whatever...
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""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

Jim Kennedy-ar154me

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5232 on: November 25, 2019, 10:52:26 AM »
A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulls out a large syringe to give him an anesthesia shot.
?No way, no needles! I hate needles!? the man exclaims.
So she starts to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man says , ?I can?t do the gas thing either. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!?
The dentist then asks the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
?No?, he says, ?I?m fine with pills?.
So the lady dentist gives him two little blue pills and he swallows them.
?What are those?? he asks.
?Viagra,? she calmly replies.
?I?ll be damned? said the man. ?I didn?t know that Viagra works as a pain killer.?
?It doesn?t? says the wise lady, ?but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth?
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Rastus

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5233 on: November 27, 2019, 06:32:11 AM »
har har
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It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.
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Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5234 on: November 30, 2019, 12:40:46 AM »
(NO JOKE) Wednesday I showed up late for my dental appointment, after I was told on the phone I could go in early if I wanted to. There were several staff and no patients in sight when I got there. I told the hygienist, in front of everyone, that she would have to pull my head out of my ass before she could clean my teeth. That wasn't a first impression I would have planned... but it happened. I wonder if she told the dentist about her having to do an extraction?
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I may have posted this before, because it's been awhile since I figured it out.

Why do men's shirts have the buttons on the right-hand side?
Because most men are right-handed.

Why do women's blouses have the buttons on the left-hand side?
Because most men are right-handed.  ;D
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""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5235 on: Today at 02:38:17 PM »
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Jim Kennedy-ar154me

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5235 on: December 05, 2019, 01:42:22 PM »
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
-Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
-Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
-Phyllis Diller
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The time for action is upon us and the enemy is at our gates. Let us not allow them one more inch of advancement but instead throw them through the gates of Hell.

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5236 on: December 11, 2019, 03:44:59 AM »
I never understood why redheads were called gingers. Ginger is pale yellow like blonde hair. Turmeric on the other hand is bright orange. So, from now on I'll only refer to blondes as gingers, not redheads. And if I hear anyone say that gingers have no souls, I'll ask, "Don't you mean turmerics?"

Submitted for your consideration,
Frank
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""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5237 on: December 11, 2019, 03:48:54 AM »
I bought myself a Christmas tree yesterday. The guy asked if I was going to put it up myself and I said no, in my living room.
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""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

PegLeg45

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5238 on: December 11, 2019, 12:07:14 PM »
Quote from: jumbofrank on December 11, 2019, 03:48:54 AM
I bought myself a Christmas tree yesterday. The guy asked if I was going to put it up myself and I said no, in my living room.


Now that was funny.  ;D ;D

Reminds me of the real comedians from the "old days"  ;D ;D ;D
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Solus

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5239 on: December 11, 2019, 07:24:55 PM »
"Dear Heavenly Father, please take our brother, Donald, to his eternal and glorious reward, ASAP. Thank you. 

Your faithful servant, Nancy."
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—Patrick Henry

"Good intentions will always be pleaded for every assumption of authority. It is hardly too strong to say that the Constitution was made to guard the people against the dangers of good intentions. There are men in all ages who mean to govern well, but they mean to govern. They promise to be good masters, but they mean to be masters."
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