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Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1369610 times)

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5240 on: January 15, 2020, 05:51:16 AM »
I offered a gal a penny for her thoughts.
She gave me her two cents worth.
I got more than I bargained for.
Change comes to us all.
That's non-cents.
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""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5241 on: January 17, 2020, 11:26:14 PM »
"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?" - Dorothy Parker
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""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

crusader rabbit

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5242 on: January 18, 2020, 06:26:22 AM »
To walk to the bar from my house takes 5 minutes.
To walk from the bar to my house takes 30 minutes.

The difference is staggering.
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“I’ve lived the literal meaning of the ‘land of the free’ and ‘home of the brave.’ It’s not corny for me. I feel it in my heart. I feel it in my chest. Even at a ball game, when someone talks during the anthem or doesn’t take off his hat, it pisses me off. I’m not one to be quiet about it, either.”  Chris Kyle

Rastus

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5243 on: January 18, 2020, 10:14:01 AM »
HA HA HA....nice one wabbit!!!
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Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.
It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.
-William Pitt, British Prime-Minister (1759-1806)
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Timothy

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5244 on: January 18, 2020, 11:48:52 AM »
An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep him from falling off the earth!
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Sponsor

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5245 on: Today at 05:29:18 PM »
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Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5245 on: January 25, 2020, 07:18:25 PM »
Quote from: crusader rabbit on January 18, 2020, 06:26:22 AM
To walk to the bar from my house takes 5 minutes.
To walk from the bar to my house takes 30 minutes.

The difference is staggering.

And a shower. Been there. Done that. Fell headfirst into a ditch... full of liquefied manure! :-[ Maybe I just needed a wider road?


Why do French people eat snails?   They don't taste like fast food.
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""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5246 on: January 25, 2020, 07:26:08 PM »
Timothy, I've had to hang onto the Earth to keep from flying off because it was spinning too fast.
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Isaac Asimov, best known for his 500+ books was a fan of feghoots, AKA bad puns. This was one of his favorites.

In Victorian England, it was discovered that royal cock pheasants were being shot by the Lord Chief Justice of Scotland, who would hide them in a hole in the wall before coming up to the house to pay his respects to Queen Victoria. Clearly, it was impossible to treat him as a common criminal and drag him to court for poaching, so it was suggested that he be charged instead with male pheasants in orifice.
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""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5247 on: January 26, 2020, 05:26:19 AM »
I just realized the difference between fiance and finance is only one letter.

Too bad I didn't figure it out before I got married and became a walking ATM. :(

Frank
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""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5248 on: February 01, 2020, 11:15:51 PM »
I'm sitting here watching a TV show called My Feet Are Killing Me.
The doctor said tell me a little about yourself.
The patient said I've been a nudist for 20 years.
Doctor: A what?
Patient: A nudist.
Me: Not Me. I don't have the balls for it. :)

Well, the show must go on and I'll be watching it... while they're doing surgery on disgusting feet and I'm in the middle of my meal. I was traumatized for life when I was a kid and this stuff doesn't phase me at all.
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""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

MikeBjerum

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #5249 on: March 27, 2020, 08:09:04 AM »
Pelosi

This thread has been dormant, so I thought I would post a simple and short joke of the day.
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If I appear taller than other men it is because I am standing on the shoulders of others.
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