Classic joke thread...

[alfack]

Right turn!!!

[tt11758]

FUNERAL EXPENSES
 

 Obama goes on a State visit to Israel.  While he is on a tour of Jerusalem, he has a

fatal heart attack.

The undertakers tells the US diplomats: "You can have him shipped home for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $100."

The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and tell
him they still want Obama flown home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks:  "Why would you spend $1 million to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this religious country and you would only spend $100?"

One diplomat replied:  "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead.  We simply can't take that risk".


In God We Trust

[tt11758]

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.  The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"  The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back.  He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea.  He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"  The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches.  He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey!  How's about getting me a cold mug of beer?"  He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?"  The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my SNAP card!," he said loudly.


As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."  The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and began to praise the Lord.


Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him, and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."  The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, and he to began to praise the Lord.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.  The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm on disability."


For Those Who Understand, No Explanation Is Necessary.  For Those Who Do Not Understand, No Explanation is possible.

[kmitch200]

A guy goes into a bar where there's a robot bartender!

The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey."
The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey."
Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about football, Nascar and the Olympics.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey.
The robot says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says:

"SO, . . . You people . . . still happy. . . with Obama?"

[gunman42782]

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, Someone in this congregation...
 has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

 This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
 I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.

 Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God
 and this Christian family."
 No one moved.

 The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is
 a falsehood?

 Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.
 Now stand and confess your transgression."
 Again, all was quiet.

 Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a
 runaway train rose from the third pew.
 Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has
 been a terrible misunderstanding.
 I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple
 of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

 The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation
 roared.

 Life is Short.
 Smile while you still have Teeth.

 Give me an Amen Brother!!

[Sponsor]

[santahog]

Margaret and Bert

Cowboy BootsBert 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife.

“Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret, 75, looked him over. “Nope.”

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked

Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different?

It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?”

“Nope. Not a clue”, she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!”

Without missing a beat Margaret replied,

“Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.

Shoulda bought a hat.”

[MikeBjerum]

 A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the man farts and says, “Seven Points.”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”

The man replied, “It’s fart football… I just scored.”

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, “Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7.”

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.”

Now the pressure’s on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.

Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, “What the heck was that?”

The man replied, “Half-time, Switch sides.”

[kmitch200]

A doctor had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal to his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:



"You’re a veterinarian, you sick bastard ."

[tombogan03884]

Mitch, That's BAAAAAD .

[TAB]

why don't witchs wear panties?    its easier to hang on to the broom.