Classic joke thread...

[Bill Stryker]

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace ,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this ....)

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU!
 

[jerry]

 
Top this for a speeding ticket

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting
speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine
Corps Air Station at Miramar . One of the officers was using
a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles
approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun
began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to
reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then
turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the tree tops revealed that
the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet
which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a
complaint to the USMC Base Commander.  The reply came
back in true USMC style:

Thank you for your letter.
We can now complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in
the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently
locked-on to your hostile radar equipment and automatically
sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed
aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment
location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the
situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile
system alert status and was able to override the automated
defense system before the missile was launched to destroy
the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing
at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high
tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun,
should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears
the filling is loose.  Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern.
Semper Fi.

[Outlaw]

Yo Jerry,  Waaayyy Coool. Best in a long time...

[Teresa Heilevang]

That is just the best..      I will be passing this on ..

[Teresa Heilevang]

[Sponsor]

[Hazcat]

[Teresa Heilevang]

Lost Sinatra song - you got to hear this.

They should play this at all airports.

Turn sound on and Click on - 
 
http://www.animatronics.org/strangers/strangers.htm

(words included)   

[Teresa Heilevang]

[Marshal Halloway]

The International Council of Man Laws.


1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.



2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

  (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

  (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.

  (c) After wrecking your boss's car.

  (d) When she is using her teeth.

 

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed

and eaten by his friends.

 

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off

limits forever unless you actually marry her.

 

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.

However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

 

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another

man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

 

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not

the weakest.

 

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may

ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's

playing.

 

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have

brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the

purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven),

she's officially your girlfriend.

 

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're

sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model

and only when it's free.

 

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed

to kick another guy in the nuts.

 

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

 

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever!! Issue closed.

 

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

 

 15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as

spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to

 drink as much as the other sports watchers.

 

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must

remain sober enough to fight.

 

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of

pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

 

18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking

about his choice of beer.

 

19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of

yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

 

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing

i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other

situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you

need.

 

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer

than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.

Hang up if necessary.

 

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend'

have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird

and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the

discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

 

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable

for her to drive yours.

 

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime,

green, orange or sky blue.

 

25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for

Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an

X/box 360.

 End of story.

 

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever!

 

27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

* 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the

guys,being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say,

'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

* 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys

smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your

wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next!'

 

I hope this clears up any confusion..
Marshal H.

[Pathfinder]

I had cows like that - dumb as a sack of hammers. And they could kick, so you did have to prove your intelligence by staying out of their way while still getting yours.