Classic joke thread...

[ericire12]

[PegLeg45]

A few short chuckles:


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?"
Larry replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

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A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

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"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week".
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"

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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.
"Me neither doc," said the husband, "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you".
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent Replies, "Just a minute.."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

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This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

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Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her, I didn't believe in hell."

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A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS!"

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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.
It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one.

 

[Hazcat]

Ba Da Bump!

[PegLeg45]

Ba Da Bump!

Thanks, Haz, for keeping me "grounded in reality"......

[ericire12]

Does this count as IWB?

[Sponsor]

[PegLeg45]

Maybe....how bout this "Pistol Packin' Mamma:

[PegLeg45]

Barack Obama was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside.

He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating that grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."

"Bring them along!" Obama said.

They all climbed into the limo.

Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

Obama replied, "No, you don't understand. I'm not taking you in. It's just that the grass at my house is over a foot tall!"

[kmitch200]

A man, seeking to join the police department, is being interviewed.
 
The Inspector says: "Your qualifications are good, but there is an attitude test that you must pass before you can join."
 
Sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol - go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six child molesters and a rabbit."
 
"...Why the rabbit?"
 
"GREAT attitude," says the Inspector, "You passed!  When can you start?"

[Big Frank]

Little Suzy and her kittens
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Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign "FREE KITTENS" next to them.

Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front.

The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car.

"Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?" he asked.

"Kittens" Little Suzy says. "They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet, and I have to take care of them."

"What kind of kittens are they?" he asked.

"Democrats" says Little Suzy.

The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away.

Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.

The next day, Little Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the "FREE KITTENS" sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS, and CNN.

Everyone had their cameras ready and then Sen. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Suzy.

"Now, don't be frightened," he said,

"I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today."

"Yes sir," Suzy said, "The are all REPUBLICAN kittens."

Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, "But yesterday, you told me that they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Suzy says, "Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

[PegLeg45]

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.

The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."