Classic joke thread...

[PegLeg45]

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt the manager to finish waiting on a customer.
When Walt was finished with the costumer, Mary asked 'How much for that faucet?'
Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'
'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'
Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

........... And this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot. 

[PegLeg45]

On television today a Democratic operative pointed out that when Obama holds a rally 25-30,000 people show up, whereas when McCain holds one he only draws 10-15,000.
The Republican spokesman replied, "That's because McCain's supporters are at work."

[Hazcat]

On television today a Democratic operative pointed out that when Obama holds a rally 25-30,000 people show up, whereas when McCain holds one he only draws 10-15,000.
The Republican spokesman replied, "That's because McCain's supporters are at work."

LOL!  That's gonna leave a mark!

[Bill Stryker]

An old man, Bubba was going to town with his boy & a donkey. The boy rode on the donkey & Bubba walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding.

Bubba and his son thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.


Later, they passed some people that remarked, 'What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.'

They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

Bubba and his son said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.   As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.



The moral of the story?



If you try to please everyone, you might as well...
Kiss your ass goodbye!


Have A Nice Day &
Be Careful With Your Donkey 

[Bill Stryker]

ITALIAN PHILOSOPHY AT IT'S FINEST. . . .

An old Italian Mafia 'Don' is dying and he calls his grandson into his
bedroom.
'Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.'
'But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?'
'Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business. . .you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos.'
'Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe finda you wife inna
bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then. . .pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up?'

[Sponsor]

[wisconsin]

On television today a Democratic operative pointed out that when Obama holds a rally 25-30,000 people show up, whereas when McCain holds one he only draws 10-15,000.
The Republican spokesman replied, "That's because McCain's supporters are at work."

That hit the mark 

[Teresa Heilevang]

BIT OF HISTORY---
 
Have you ever wondered where the phrase, "You gotta be shittin' me!" came from?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our Country
Way back when, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with
his troops.

There were 33 [remember this number] in Washington 's boat.

It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing
them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters [remember this name] and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern.

He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern
back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his
lantern into the Delaware .

Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find
Corporal Peters, but to no avail.

All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet
and totally exhausted.

He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead."

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the
forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington
and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need
warmth and comfort."

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad
smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place.
We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"

Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."

And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me".

[PegLeg45]

Ed and Dorothy met while on an extended vacation and Ed fell head over heels in 'like' with her.

But after a couple of weeks, wherein Ed took Dorothy out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc., he was convinced that it was true love.

And so....on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.

"It's only fair to warn you that I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his new-found lady friend, "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's
going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Since we're being totally honest with each other, here goes....you need to know that I'm a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied.

Looking down at the table, he was quiet for a moment, deep in thought.

Then he continued, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

[PegLeg45]

A teacher in Elmira , New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little
Johnny.

The teacher asked Little  Johnny why he had decided to be different...again.

Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'

Johnny said,  'Because I'm a Republican.'

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me an Obama fan.'

[PegLeg45]

Our local drugstore was robbed of 500 bottles of Viagra.
The suspect is known to be a hardened criminal!