Classic joke thread...

[Johnny Bravo]

LMAO......THAT'S F'n FUNNY HAZ. Geeezus

[Johnny Bravo]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.   
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"   
"Eight," the boy replied.   
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"   
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me.  They're for him.  He's my brother.  He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.  Right now, he can't do either."

[Hazcat]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.  
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"  
"Eight," the boy replied.  
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"  
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me.  They're for him.  He's my brother.  He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.  Right now, he can't do either."

[Bill Stryker]

JUST IN ...
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Democrats,  realizing the success of the President's "Cash For Clunkers"
> rebate  program, have revamped a major portion of their National Health
> Care
> Plan.
>
>
>
> President Obama,  Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reed,  are expected to make
> this
> major  announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have
> obtained
> an advanced copy  of the proposal which is named....
>
>
>
> "CASH FOR  CODGERS": and it works like this...
>
> Couples wishing  to access health care funds in order to pay for the
> delivery of a child  will be required to turn in one old person.  The
> amount the
> government
> grants them will  be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more
> prescription  dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts. Special
> "Bonuses" will
> be paid for  those submitting codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers,
> alcohol  drinkers, persons 10 pounds over  their government prescribed
> weight,  and
> any member of  the Republican Party. Smaller bonuses will be given for
> codgers who  consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole
> milk,
> dairy
> products, bacon,  Brussel sprouts, or Girl Scout Cookies. All codgers will
> be rendered  totally useless via toxic injection. This will insure that
> they
> are not  secretly
> resold or their  body parts harvested to keep other codgers in repair.
> I'm going to  hide as I'm definitely in the "CODGERS"  category.

[tombogan03884]

Bill, just go out on the Arctic Ice pack, that's where their going to put the rest of your High School class.

[Sponsor]

[Bill Stryker]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.



This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about

men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[Bill Stryker]

Four Worms and a lessonto be learned





A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.


Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.



At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol -Dead.


The s econd worm in cigarette smoke -Dead


Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead



Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.




So the Minister asked the congregation -

What didyou learn from this demonstration?




Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,


'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service.

I know it's an old joke. I first heard it about 50 years ago. But I think Maxine was right on. I don't smoke but I still don't have worms!!!
 

[Teresa Heilevang]

The  One  (1) Question Test.

This test only has one  question, but  it's a very important one. By giving
an honest  answer, you will  discover where you stand  morally.

The test features an  unlikely, completely  fictional situation in which
you will have to  make a  decision.


Remember that your answer  needs  to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down  slowly and give due consideration to each  line..

THE  SITUATION:

You are in  Florida, Miami to be specific.  There is chaos all around you 
caused by a hurricane with severe  flooding. This is a flood of  biblical
proportions.
You are a  photojournalist working for a  major newspaper, and you're
caught in  the middle of this epic  disaster. The situation is nearly  hopeless.

You're  trying to shoot career-making photos.  There are houses and  people
swirling around you, some disappearing  under the water.  Nature is
unleashing all of its destructive  fury.

===============================================

THE  TEST:

Suddenly you see a man and a woman in the  water.  They are fighting for
their lives, trying not to be taken  down with  the debris. You move closer.
Somehow they look  familiar. You  suddenly realize who they are.

It's  Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi!! At the  same time you notice that 
the raging waters are about to take them  under forever. You have  two options:

You can save their  lives or you can  shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize
winning photo,  documenting the  deaths of two of the world's most powerful 
people.

===============================================



THE  QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an  honest answer...

Would you select high contrast  color  film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black  and  white?

[Teresa Heilevang]

Two Crocs Talking

 
 
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it..'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the  lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.  Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not Getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.'
   

[Teresa Heilevang]

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler.

 One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"


The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter."

"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.


"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house."