Classic joke thread...

[Timothy]

Hate to burst your bubble, but it is very high in methanol.

True but at least he ain't enjoying the buzz!

 

[david86440]

It's really frightening to think that I can relate to that guy at Taco Bueno   

[Johnny Bravo]

A modern day Cowboy has spent many days crossing the west Texas plains without water.
 
 His horse has already died of thirst. 

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last  breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the  sand several yards ahead of him.
 
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what  looks to be an old briefcase.
 
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
 
She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge  and a dull gray dress.
 
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked  behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I  work....You have three wishes.'
 
'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust  a FEMA genie.'
 
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks  like you're a goner anyway!'
 
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
 
'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'
 
***POOF***
 
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
 
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
 
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
 
** *POOF***
 
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
 
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'
 
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no  matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'
 
***POOF***
 
He was instantly turned into a tampon.
 
Moral of the story:
 
If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string  attached.
 
 
 
 
 

[Teresa Heilevang]

I was on my way to deposit some of  my money at Lowe's Home Improvement this morning to do my part to stimulate the economy and I found myself  behind this little car bearing a bumper sticker that read:
                             "We did it! - Obama / Biden'

Well, as luck would have it she pulled along side of me at a red light about a half mile down the road. I beeped my horn and gave her a big thumbs up. She rolled down her window and I said, "I love your bumper sticker!"


She thanked me and I quickly added, "It's good that you are taking responsibility for your mistake!"


She gave me the finger and drove off -- Humorless Bitch.

[tombogan03884]

 M'ette, Every time you meet some one who looks like they just bit a turd, or they hate the whole world, ask if they are Dem, or Republican.

[Sponsor]

[MinotBob]

CURTAIN RODS----PRICELESS
   
   She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
   suitcases.
   
   On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
   
   On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
   dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music,
   and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
   spring-water.
   
   When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a
   few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the
   curtain rods.
   
   She then cleaned up the kitchen and left... When the husband returned
   with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
   Then slowly, the house began to smell..
   They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
   
   Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
   
   Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
   set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days
   and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
   Nothing worked!!!
   
   People stopped coming over to visit.
   Repairmen refused to work in the house.
   The maid quit.
   
   Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
   A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could
   not find a buyer for their stinky house.
   Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
   their calls.
   
   Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
   purchase a new place.
   
   The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
   
   He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and
   said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to
   reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house
   
   Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
   price that was about 1/10 th of what the house had been worth, but only
   if she were to sign the papers that very day.
   
   She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
   
   A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
   the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........
   
   And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods
   
   I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
 

[Teresa Heilevang]

How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages

English  I Love You

Spanish  Te Amo

French  Je T'aime

German  lch Liebe Dich

Japanese  Ai Shite Imasu

Thai  Phom rak khun

Italian  Ti amo

Chinese  Wo Ai Ni

Swedish  Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas ,  Kansas , Oklahoma ,  Texas , North Carolina ,  South Carolina . Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky.....
Nice Ass , Get in the truck

[PegLeg45]

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme. 
 
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. 
 
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost. 
 
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick. 

 
The moral of the story............ 

 
Pay your bills.

[PegLeg45]

The Family tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ---------------------------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
     
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------------------ Gotta Gogh
     
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------------ Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ------------------------------------- Hugh Gogh

His magician uncle ----------------------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ------------------------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -----------------------Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach ------------------------ Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle -------------------------------------------------- Can't Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle ---------------------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh

The fruit-loving cousin --------------------------------------------------- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking -------------------------- Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ---------------------------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV -------- Winnie Bay Gogh

[PegLeg45]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. 
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replied, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so  strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
 
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'



MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.