Classic joke thread...

[Solus]

I dated two stepsisters in high school.  I do not recommend it.   

When I was in the Army, we ran a background check on a guy and the investigation revealed that he had joined the army to get away from the consequences of having 9 women, all who went to his high school- no idea if they were still attending, pregnant at the same time.  2 sets of them were sisters. 

His clearance was denied.  Blackmail was not a concern, but an exploitable weakness was the issue.   

[ellis4538]

A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up – fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman.
 However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, “My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay Cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put Money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.”
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside.
“Is that really true about your father?”
 “No,” the boy said, “He works for the Democratic National Committee and helped to get Obama re-elected, but it’s too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."

[Majer]

A wise person once said.
 
1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
 
2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
 
3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.  A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
 
4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser.  Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
AND
 
5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit… A  recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

[billt]

1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor,
You may be a Muslim.

2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher,
but you can't afford shoes, You may be a Muslim.

3. If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim.
 
4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon
to be unclean, You may be a Muslim.

5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide,
you may be a Muslim

6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against,
You may be a Muslim.

7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives
in your clothing, You may be a Muslim.

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses
other than setting off roadside bombs, You may be a Muslim.

9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should
own at least four, You may be a Muslim.

[Big Frank]

You missed the last two Bill.

10. If your cousin is President of the United States.
      You may be a Muslim.

11. If you find this offensive or racist and don't forward it.
      You may be a Muslim.

[Sponsor]

[PegLeg45]

9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should
own at least four, but still prefer goats in matters of love........ You may be a Muslim.

Accuracy counts. 

[tombogan03884]

YOU HAVE GOT TO WATCH THIS VIDEO



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-c1x4JZnjSc

I don't know why, but when I try the "embed video" button it comes up invalid youtube link.

[billt]

You have to get rid of the "s" in https

[tombogan03884]

Thanks Bill.
The toilet paper is bad, but dosing the ice is flat evil .
Water boarding is for amateurs.
Almost pissed myself when he shoved the shower head down his pants.

[billt]

I can't take credit for knowing that. I think it was Alf who told me about it. I'm not that computer literate.