Classic joke thread...

[tombogan03884]

A Navy Destroyer stops four Muslims in a row boat, rowing towards England . "The captain gets on the loud haler and shouts
"Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading?"
One of the Muslims stands up and shouts,
"We are invading the UK!"
The crew of the Destroyer all start laughing and when the captain finally stops laughing, he gets back on the loud haler and says
"Just the four of you?"
The Muslim stands up again and shouts,
"No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

That's no joke when you consider England's capital city is referred to as "Londistan" .

[blackwolfe]

> " Morning Sex "
>
> She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
> soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
> wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
>
> As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
> "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
>
> My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or
> this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment,
> I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
>
> Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
> her T-shirt still around her neck.
>
> Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
>
> She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[blackwolfe]

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers:
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)
 
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking
sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
 
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out
a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
 
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type,
let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
 
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on
the cob and caramel candy.
 
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play
the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
 
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's
put our two heads together.
 
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea,
valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

[crusader rabbit]

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were
listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We
are going to have 8 to 10 inches of  snow  today. You must park your car on
the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week or so later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio
announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must
park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can
get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

A few days later they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must  park...."
Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a
worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of
the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding that all long-married husbands possess,
he replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"

   

[cookie62]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, ...'How about that?... I just ordered a glass of champagne too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said.... 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating.'

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer... As they clinked glasses he added,... 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man.... 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman.... 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said...... 'What a coincidence!'

[Sponsor]

[PegLeg45]

LOL   

Reminds me of this one:


An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have a new 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins, "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. His eyes aren't so good any more and one day when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting on a log beside the stream. He raised his cane and realized it wasn't a gun, so for giggles he just said, "Bang! Bang!" Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say it was somebody else that pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "Exactly."

[tt11758]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The
devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished
the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes
him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is
finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she
writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the call was free.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got
to call the USA for free. The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama
took over, the whole country has gone to hell, so it's a local call.

[Big Frank]

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/ West Virginia Stateline. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley, WV, to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test."

[tt11758]

President Obama decided to call Hillary Clinton and see how she was feeling after her recent head injury.  But when he dialed the phone, Bill picked up.  Barack, said, "Bill, I just called to ask about Hillary.  How's her head?"  Bill replied, "Well, she's no Monica Lewinsky..........................."

[PegLeg45]

It appears that old habits are hard to break for ol' William the Slick..........