Classic joke thread...

[tman]

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

[MikeBjerum]

This is a hoot, but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.

          A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis
        he said,  'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into
        the river.'

          With even greater emphasis he said,  'And if I had
          All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the
        river.'
          And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
          Said,  'And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
          I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

          Sermon complete, he sat down.
          The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
          With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song,
          Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

          Smile, life is too short not to !!If this brightened your day
          Don't let it stop here
          Pass it on with a smile
          Keep spreading the Cheer.
          See you at the river.

[jaybet]

John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse,'

The second barber turned to McCain and said, 'How about you?'

McCain replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

[Teresa Heilevang]

Poetry Contest
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas . They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “ Timbuktu .”

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin’ went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu .

[Grizzle_Bear]

Me and Tim a huntin’ went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu .

Puns are the lowest form of humor!

This is the humor equivalent of a tear-gas grenade, forcing everyone to run crying and screaming from the area.

My IQ has been lowered simply by reading this joke.

Good one!


Grizzle Bear

[Sponsor]

[Hazcat]

Puns are the lowest form of humor!

This is the humor equivalent of a tear-gas grenade, forcing everyone to run crying and screaming from the area.

My IQ has been lowered simply by reading this joke.

Good one!


Grizzle Bear

Well I just learned something!  I did not know an IQ could be a negative number!

[Hazcat]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,'she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.






On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.'

[Hazcat]

Ray & Bubba ( Purdue mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and
asked what they were doing.

'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba, 'but we don't have a ladder.'

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape
measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced,
'Eighteen feet, six inches,' and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for
the height and she gives us the length!'

Bubba and Ray are currently working for the government.       

[brosometal]

Ray & Bubba ( Purdue mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and
asked what they were doing.

'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba, 'but we don't have a ladder.'

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape
measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced,
'Eighteen feet, six inches,' and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for
the height and she gives us the length!'

Bubba and Ray are currently working for the government.       

Any chance they have worked on the bailout or quite possibly in the Barney Frank's or Christopher Dodd's offices?

Just askin'

[MikeBjerum]

Bubba and Ray are currently working for  employed by the government.       

Small edit made for correctness