Classic joke thread...

[tombogan03884]

Now that is good stuff.....         

Good as in it would get a youngster sent to the principles office   

Or the Corner. 

[PegLeg45]

Good as in it would get a youngster sent to the principles office   

Or the Corner. 

Six of one.... half-dozen of the other.......   

[Timothy]

For my fellow Michiganders!  A bit of humor...

Are  you aware that Jeff Foxworthy is now picking on Michigan?

 1. If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by,  you might live in Michigan .

  2. If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Pellston is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live  in Michigan .

  3. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Michigan .

  4. If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Michigan .

  5. If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Michigan .

  6. If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Michigan .

  7. If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time, you might  live in Michigan.

  8. If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Michigan.

  9. If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Michigan.

  Part 2 - You know you're a true MICHIGANDER when . . .

  1. "Vacation" means going up north on I-75

  2. You measure distance in hours.

  3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

  4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

  5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

  6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).

  7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

  8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

  9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

  10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

  11.  You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.

  12. You can identify a southern or eastern  accent.

  13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

  14. You were unaware that  there is a legal drinking age.

  15. Down South to you means Ohio.

  16. A brat is something you eat.

  17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn.

  18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.

  19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

  20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

  21. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."

  22.  You drink pop and bake with soda.

  23. Your doctor tells you to  drink Vernors and you know it's not medicine.

  24. You can actually drink Vernors without coughing.

  25. You know what a Yooper is.

  26. You think owning a Honda is Un-American.

  27. You know that UP is a place, not a direction.

  28. You know it's possible to live in a  thumb.

  29. You understand that when visiting Detroit, the best thing to wear is a Kevlar vest.

  30. You actually understand these  jokes, and you forward them to all your Michigan friends.

Have a Nice Day .... and a Better tomorrow.....

[tt11758]

That's nice, I now return you to our usual standards.


Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Athens Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
 
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
 
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
 
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
 
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
 
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
 
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
 
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
 
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
 
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Years ago when broadcasting high school wrestling, one of the local kids managed to reach up and move his opponent in such a way as to score a reversal.  My color commentator described the action this way, "Well, he reached up and jerked him off."

Another time I was doing color for a high school football game broadcast.  A local kid named Wilson was a tremendous athlete......fast AND quick.  At a pivotal point in a game, Wilson managed to break a tackle, get to the outside, and then he was off to the races.  The play-by-play announcer said, "Wilson's at the 40...the 45...the 50...(then turning to look at me, said).......would you look at the wheels on that little bastard!!"  At that point I was unable to breathe.  Yes, I was laughing that hard.   

Ya gotta love live radio.

[santahog]

That's nice, I now return you to our usual standards.

Thanks Tom.. (Stolen, btw..) That stuff works better than a pain pill!!!

[Sponsor]

[tombogan03884]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old
Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.


The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"


The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to
buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced
tie. I need water!  I should kill you, but I must find water first!"


"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."


Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he
staggered back, almost dead & said,

"Your damn brother won't let me in without a tie!"

[GASPASSERDELUXE]

Dating in 1957

 

You need to be able to remember the era to really enjoy this... But even if you’re

not old enough, this is funny, anyway!

 

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1957 and Fred had a date with Peggy

Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

 

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a seat in

the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"

 

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

 

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

 

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop,

maybe take a walk on the beach..."

 

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

 

"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.

 

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all

they do!"

 

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

 

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

 

"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for

the evening.

 

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture

wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a

bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

 

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

 

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed

the front door behind her.

 

"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The damned dance is called

the Twist!"

 

 

[Solus]

Couldn't stop myself  


And while we are back in the early 60's, anyone remember Candy Johnson?

[PegLeg45]

 

[tombogan03884]

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen."
 
Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."
 
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer completely f*cked up now."