Classic joke thread...

[crusader rabbit]

Some time back I was skippering a tourist boat with a load of Canadians.  I told them the following story:

Masters and Johnson did a survey of Canadian married couples and found, surprisingly, that the preferred position for marital intimacy was Doggy Style.

They did an additional survey to discover the reason behind this anomaly.

They discovered that this was Canada's favored position because it allows both husband and wife to view the hockey game on the TV.

One of my Canadian guests returned the favor with the following observation:

I'm told you Yanks like women with big boobs and tight hoo-ha's.  (I agreed to the accuracy of his statement)

He continued:  That's because you all have big mouths and tiny weenies.

(I thought that a good rejoinder and said I would tell his every time I told mine--and give him credit.  His name was Bob.)

[Majer]

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became
very depressed because he had loved to play Golf .

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an
elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was
standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along,
whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this
man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing
up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do
things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk
so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him
how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and
felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for
saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that
guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and
whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked, 'Why are you so
happy anyway?'

He said, 'I'm NOT happy.


My balls itch.

[kmitch200]

STOLEN!!! 

[PegLeg45]

 

[PegLeg45]

 

[Sponsor]

[PegLeg45]

 

[TAB]

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOV?T AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

RANCHER: Well, theres my hired hand whos been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then theres the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

GOV?T AGENT: Thats the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.

RANCHER: That would be me.

[1Buckshot]

Damn it Tab. I didn't think any one new about that visit form the state. I wish you would have kept it to your self. To bad I had to give up ranching 12 years ago. I just couldn't live off  $10 a week any more.

[PegLeg45]

Why athletes don't hold regular jobs

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
(Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. 7'5" Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

[mkm]

I'm officially using #6.  That's too good to pass up.  Number 8 is classic.  There are some good ones on that list.