Classic joke thread...

[Majer]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend
when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window.  My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain
is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street
in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope . . . Just when it's raining

[Steyr M40A1]

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

[Steyr M40A1]

A young boy sits on the toilet with a bad case of diarrhea, and whimpers to his mom, "mommy can you give me some viagra?" His mother replies, "why on earth would you want that?" The little boy replies, "isn't that what you give daddy when his shit won't get hard?"

[tt11758]

A young boy sits on the toilet with a bad case of diarrhea, and whimpers to his mom, "mommy can you give me some viagra?" His mother replies, "why on earth would you want that?" The little boy replies, "isn't that what you give daddy when his shit won't get hard?"

DUDE!!  You owe me a keyboard!!   

[PegLeg45]

Willie was sittin' on the fence near the train tracks.
His momma leaned out the back door of the house and yelled, "Willie, get down off that fence before a train comes by and sucks you right off!!"
Willie unzips his pants and yells, "Come on train!!"

 

[Sponsor]

[tt11758]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."  Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right  rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear. "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."


 

[tt11758]

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day.
2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
�

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.�

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.�

I love the next one!!!�

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.�

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.�

PS - I 'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

[sledgemeister]

Polish immigrant went to the Transport Dept to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

[tt11758]

TRUE  AMERICAN
 
 
 
 It  is time to change from REDNECK humor  to 
 TRUE  AMERICAN  Humor!

Only  it isn't seen as HUMOR, 
 but  the correct way to LIVE YOUR LIFE! 
 
Y'all  know who they are... 
 


You  might be a TRUE  AMERICAN  if:
It  never occurred to you to be offended by the  phrase, 
 'One  nation, under God.'

You might be a  TRUE  AMERICAN  if:
You've  never protested about seeing the 
 10  Commandments posted in  public places.

You might be a  TRUE  AMERICAN  if:
You  still say 
 'Christmas'  instead of 'Winter Festival.'

You might be a  TRUE  AMERICAN  if:
You  bow your head when someone prays.

You might  be a TRUE  AMERICAN  if:
You  stand and place your hand over your heart 
 when  they play the National Anthem.

You might be  a TRUE  AMERICAN  if:
You  treat VietNam vets with great respect, 
 and  always have.

You might be a  TRUE  AMERICAN  if:
You've  never burned an American flag.

You might be  a TRUE  AMERICAN  if:
You  know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say  so, 
 no  matter who is listening.

You might be a  TRUE  AMERICAN  if:
You  respect your elders 
 and  expect your kids to do the same.

 AND  YOU ARE A TRUE  AMERICAN 
 IF  YOU THINK 
 THE  NATIONAL ANTHEM 
 SHOULD  ONLY BE SUNG 
 IN  ENGLISH! 
 
In God We Trust
 

[bulldog75]

Amen Brother.