Classic joke thread...

[crusader rabbit]

A little empathy


I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday next to a carload of Muslims when a big semi-trailer drove right over the top of their car! Flattened it!

Wow!" I thought, "That could've been me"...





... So I went and got a Commercial Driver's License.





 

[sledgemeister]

[tt11758]

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

 

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier; just make several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

 

She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together--It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her".

 

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

 

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

 

"Yes", answered the Instructor.

 

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

 

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

[kmitch200]

Obama fans...

[JC5123]

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test.

It's called the Triple Filter Test."

Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about
to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is
what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued,
"You may still pass the third test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, I'm not sure really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.

[Sponsor]

[tt11758]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.  "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me." 

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! ......... But enough about me, how's your day going?"
 
 
 
 
 

[red364]

Crossing the River

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed, “God, please give me the strength to cross the river.”
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, “God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.”
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, “God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river “
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge

[tt11758]

Crossing the River

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed, “God, please give me the strength to cross the river.”
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, “God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.”
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, “God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river “
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge

That joke is EXTREMELY sexist!!!   (and damned funny!) 

[tt11758]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students. She says,"Human beings are the only animals that stutter."
A little girl raises her hand saying, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked
the girl to describe the incident.
"Well,'' she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!" The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been scary," The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss,
Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate her!" The teacher had to leave the room.

 

[PegLeg45]

A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm that includes the villa, the tractor, other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash."

The granddaughter, about to be rich, says, "Oh my, granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

With her last breath, the granny whispered... "Facebook..."