Classic joke thread...

[PegLeg45]

 

[tt11758]

After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"

[tt11758]

A Cowboy walks into a drug store.............


Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.

Cashier: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?

Cowboy: NAH ... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!

[Big Frank]

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with
“tor” that ate things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."

The second boy said, "Predator."
“Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word
Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

“ Well my Sister has one and she says it eats f***ing batteries like
there's no tomorrow!"

[kmitch200]

TOO FUNNY!! 

[Sponsor]

[gunman42782]

A woman was standing in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of telling her that her breasts looked fine he instead gives her a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, you should take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them every day for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, she fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," her husband replies.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger?" she asked.

Without missing a beat he says I don't see why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

[sledgemeister]

A mother in law said to her son's wife when the baby was born

"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son"

 

The daughter in law lifted her skirt and said:

"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy,

not a f@@king photo copier


SCHOOL ASSIGNMENT !!!!!!
The kids filed back into class Monday morning.
They were very excited.Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk onproductive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she saidproudly, "My sales approach was to
appeal to the customer's civil spiritand I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher. Little Mary was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Mary" said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467,"  he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher,
"What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher,
"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody
who walked by a free sample."They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"
ThenI would say, "It is dog shit. Wanna' buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the OBAMA approach of giving you something shitty for Free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."

[sledgemeister]

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
 
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
 
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I live close so it's a short drive.
 
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not much on physical activity anymore.
 
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
 
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
 
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
 
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
 
And sometimes I think I am in Vincible, but life shows me I am not.
 
People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!
 
I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there. I actually kind of enjoy it there.
 
So far, I haven't been in Continent; but my travel agent says I'll be going there soon.

[tombogan03884]

LEXOPHILES: WHOEVER PUT THIS  TOGETHER LOVES LANGUAGE:
 
To write with a broken  pencil is pointless.
 
When fish are in schools they sometimes  take debate.
 
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve  months.
 
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
 
The professor discovered that her theory of  earthquakes was on shaky ground.
 
The batteries were given out  free of charge.
 
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought  tooth and nail.
 
A will is a dead giveaway.
 
If you  don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
 
With her  marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
 
Show me a piano  falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
 
You  are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
 
Local Area  Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
 
A boiled egg is hard  to beat.
 
When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a  mall.
 
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old  was resisting a rest.
 
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole  left side was cut off? He's all right now.
 
If you take a laptop  computer for a run you could jog your memory.
 
A bicycle can't  stand alone; it is two tired.
 
In a democracy it's your vote  that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
 
When a  clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
 
The guy who fell  onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
 
He had a  photographic memory which was never developed.
 
Those who get  too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
 
When she  saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd  dye.
 
Acupuncture: a jab well  done.

[philw]

Was just talkin crap with the mrs when she asked "Where would you like to be buried?"





"Nuts deep in your sister" was the wrong answer