Classic joke thread...

[brosometal]

Come up with your own caption for this photo.

The newest in self defence weapons will be handed out to attendees at the Democratic Covention in Dever.  Viva la Republica!

[MinotBob]

SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE
This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!
This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff
voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the
school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students
and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing
homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want
their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though
those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not
complete enough school work to pass their classes.

                 The outgoing message:

'Hello! You have reached the automated answering service
of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff
member, please listen to all the options before making a selection: '

'To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1'

'To make excuses for why your child did not do his work -Press 2'

'To complain about what we do - Press 3'

'To swear at staff members - Press 4'

'To ask why you didn't get information that was already
enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5'

'If you want us to raise your child - Press 6'

'If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7'
'To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8'

'To complain about bus transportation - Press 9'

'To complain about school lunches - Press 0'

'If you realize this is the real world and your child must
be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work,
homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of
effort: Hang up and have a nice day!'

'If you want this in Spanish, move to a country that speaks it!'

[tombogan03884]

SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE
This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!
This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff
voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the
school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students
and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing
homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want
their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though
those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not
complete enough school work to pass their classes.

                 The outgoing message:

'Hello! You have reached the automated answering service
of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff
member, please listen to all the options before making a selection: '

'To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1'

'To make excuses for why your child did not do his work -Press 2'

'To complain about what we do - Press 3'

'To swear at staff members - Press 4'

'To ask why you didn't get information that was already
enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5'

'If you want us to raise your child - Press 6'

'If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7'
'To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8'

'To complain about bus transportation - Press 9'

'To complain about school lunches - Press 0'

'If you realize this is the real world and your child must
be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work,
homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of
effort: Hang up and have a nice day!'

'If you want this in Spanish, move to a country that speaks it!'

OUTSTANDING !

[Ocin]

Got this from http://www.smilezilla.com

Fun With Buttered Bread and Cats

Question: If when you drop a buttered piece of bread, it drops butter side down and a cat always lands on its feet. What would happen if you took a piece of buttered bread, strapped it on the back of a cat (butter side up) and dropped it?

Answer: Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash it's furry back.

If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.

That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred cats.

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and irritated aliens crash on top of them.

[tombogan03884]

Got this from http://www.smilezilla.com

Fun With Buttered Bread and Cats

Question: If when you drop a buttered piece of bread, it drops butter side down and a cat always lands on its feet. What would happen if you took a piece of buttered bread, strapped it on the back of a cat (butter side up) and dropped it?

Answer: Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash it's furry back.

If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.

That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred cats.

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and irritated aliens crash on top of them.

That gets the work day off to an appropriate start

[Sponsor]

[ellis4538]

Actually, if you tie a slice of buttered bread to the back of a cat it lands on its side.....the bread counteracts the natural ability of the cat to land on its feet!

Richard

[MikeBjerum]

Actually, if you tie a slice of buttered bread to the back of a cat it lands on its side.....the bread counteracts the natural ability of the cat to land on its feet!

Richard

HEY  HAZ ... get over here, we've got a theory to test

[PegLeg45]

If it's French bread, will the cat retreat?




(I'm not bashing the French, it's just a joke)
(besides, I like their taters)

[ericire12]

Haz-

You could learn a thing or two from this cat:

[santahog]

 Mark Your Calendar For Next Saturday!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see
any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide
If he does.

So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women
are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help
weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-
terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in
front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to
demonstrate they think it’s okay to see nude women other than
their wife, and to show support for all American women.

Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at
your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out
terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist
activity. God bless America!

It is your patriotic duty to pass this on. If you don't send this to
at least 5 people you're a terrorist sympathizing lily-livered
coward and are in the position of posing as a national threat!