Classic joke thread...

[philw]

PERTH - An SAS trooper collecting toys for children was stabbed when he helped
stop a suspected shoplifter in east Perth.

The 'Toys-R-Us' Store Manager told 'The West Australian' that man was seen on
surveillance cameras last Friday putting a laptop under his jacket at the store.

When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an employee, pulled a knife
and ran toward the door. 

Outside were four SAS Troopers collecting toys for the "Toys For Tots" program.
Smith said the Troopers stopped the man, but he stabbed one of them, in the back.
The cut did not appear to be severe.

The suspect was transported by ambulance to the Royal Perth Hospital with two
broken arms, a broken leg, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions and assorted
lacerations including a broken nose and jaw...

Injuries he apparently sustained when he tripped whilst trying to run after the stabbing.

THE CLUMSY BUGGER!!

[billt]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Darrell behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Darrell replies

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, John deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, John began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

John hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!

[philw]

Took a dyslexic bird home last night, and she ended up cooking my sock!

Had to have a blood transfusion the other day. All they had left was 2 pints of African blood, and 2 pints of Pakistani
blood.  It's not as bad as it sounds,  I now have a 12 inch cock, and I am top of the housing list.

Blonde walks into a dry cleaners with a pair of stained white trousers, and hands them over to the assistant.  As she is heading for the door the assistant says "Thank You, Come Again"  Blonde replies "No, toothpaste this time".

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.

Just fostered a Muslim kid.  All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.

Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke.  All I said was, golly you're tall.

Last week me and this Pakistani from work decided to have a moustache and beard growing competition.
I still can't believe she won.

Couple driving home and run over a wombat, they get out to find it was still breathing but very cold.
Husband says "put it between your legs to warm it up"  Wife replies "but it`s all wet and it stinks"
Husband replies.." well hold the wombat's nose then!"

A man was caught masturbating in a newsagents. Apparently it's all over the papers.

Just bought a racehorse called "My Face".  It may not be any good but I can't wait to hear all the women in crowd
screaming  'come on my face'.

Once upon a time, a man asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!'
The man lived happily ever after, rode motorcycles, went fishing and hunting and played golf.
Drank beer and whiskey, had tons of money in the bank, left the toilet seat up, and farted whenever he wanted.

Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!

[PegLeg45]

After 30 years of marriage:

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.    

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man."

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter-tops."

[philw]

A  beautiful woman went to the gynaecologist. The  doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window.
He  immediately told her to get undressed. 
After  she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her  thigh. While doing so he asked her,  'Do you  know what I am doing?'

'Yes,'  she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or dermatological  abnormalities.' 

'That's  right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle  her Breasts. 'Do you  know what I am doing now?' he  asked. 

'Yes,'  she said, 'You are checking for lumps which  might indicate Breast cancer.'

'Correct,'  replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted  his patient and started having sexual  intercourse with her. He asked,
'Do you know  what I am doing now?'

'Yes,'  she said, 'You're getting syphilis: which is why  I came here in  the first  place.'






A women is given a hospital tour.  She looks in a room and sees a man wanking. "thats awful she says to the DOC"

The doctor explains that he has an incurable condition, and that his testicals fill with semen so fast that he has to do it atleast five times a day or he suffers awful pain.

"POOR MAN" says the women




In the next rooma nurse is sucking a mans cock.

"Explain that" she says to the doc



The doc says


"Same condition but he's got Private health!"

[Sponsor]

[PegLeg45]

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" She asked.

The man replied, “I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of... our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else" said the madam.

He replied, “No, I must see Valerie."

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts; the price is still $5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row, where are you from?"

The man replied, “New Brunswick.”

"Really," she said, "I have family in New Brunswick."

"I know," the man said, "Your sister died, and I am her attorney, she asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that two things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Being screwed by a LAWYER!

[JC5123]

100 mile an hour goat

    Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
    The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
    
    The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
    
    The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
    
    They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jumped in head first.
    
    While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
    
    The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
    
    The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"

[PegLeg45]

Memo from HR:

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this by?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD O F: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,

Human Resources

[PegLeg45]

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she threw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the young man. "I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
 
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but comfortable, compartment in the hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn. 

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
 
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe."
 
"I see," the captain said. 

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "plus, he's screwing me." 

"He certainly is," replied the captain, “This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[JC5123]

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.' The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.' The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.' The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.' The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.' The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.' The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!' The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!' Oh, Thank God!' the man replies. 'Yes' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!