Classic joke thread...

[sledgemeister]

The  inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur  Davidson, died and went to  heaven.

At  the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, 'Since you've  been such a good man and your  motorcycles   have  changed the world, your reward is, you can hang  out with anyone you want to in  heaven.' 

Arthur  thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I  want to hang out with God.' 

St.  Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and  introduced him to God. 

God  recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you  were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson  motorcycle?' 

Arthur  said, 'Yeah, that's me...' 

God  commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing  something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and  pollution and can't run without a  road?' 

Arthur  was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse  me, but aren't you the inventor of  woman?'


                                                 


God  said, 'Ah, yes.' 

'Well,'  said Arthur, professional to professional, you  have some major design flaws in your  invention!

1.  There's too much inconsistency in the front-end  suspension.


                                                   


2.  It chatters constantly at high  speeds.


                                               


3.  Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too  much..


                                         
 
4.  The intake is placed way too close to the  exhaust.

5.  The maintenance costs are  outrageous!!!! 


                                                 


'Hmmmmm,  you may have some good points there,'replied God,  'hold on.' 

God  went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a  few words and waited for the  results.

The  computer printed out a slip of paper and God read  it.

'Well,  it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God  said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers,  more men are riding my invention than  yours'.

[PegLeg45]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. 
A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.  Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN:  "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me.  Are you at the club?"

MAN:  "Yes.."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh,  and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted  last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for  it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it.  If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN:  "OK.  I'll see you later!  I love you so much!"

MAN:  "Bye!  I love you, too."

The man hangs up. 

The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"


 

[ellis4538]

The Skirt Zipper
 As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
 
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.  She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
 
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
 
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
 
About this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
 
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
 
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends.'
 

 

 

 

[tombogan03884]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because gosh-darn it,
he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for
change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he
recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all
the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that
little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely
qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this
country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't
about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the
road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or
not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground
here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see
the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I
am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled
about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against
it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't
realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the
road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to
do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current
problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems,
which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having
the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life,
I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road
and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken,
but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the
road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You
can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken
was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs
when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any
insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a
toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not
been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see
the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my
friends, That chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay
too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other
side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and
as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will
be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming
story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went
on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents,
and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2010.
This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the
road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

[Teresa Heilevang]

 
Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
 
She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys my own age. I did this, and when I got home last night I
told her that I had joined a parachute club.
 
She said, "Are you nuts? You're 73 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
 
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
 
She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
 
I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!
 
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier 

[Sponsor]

[MikeBjerum]

OK, it has only been 49 pages since I last checked in here, so forgive me if this one has been posted:

Vacation in Alaska.......

 

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountainous area of Alaska.

He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.  He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt.

The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about, and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing 'Go Sarah' shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest.  The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.  Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.  Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him.  "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed..  "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"

"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied.  "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting!  By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

[tombogan03884]

That's funny, in NH we use the same bait for bears and coyotes.  
But we get ours delivered 

[tombogan03884]

     
A woman and her ten-year-old son were  riding in a taxi in Montreal .
  It  was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.
 
"Mom"  said the boy "what are all those women doing?"
 
"They're  waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied.
 
The  taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell  him  the truth?
They're  hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.."
 
The  little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true Mom?"
 
His  mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.
 
After  a few minutes, the kid asks "Mom, what happens to the babies  those  women have?"
 
"Most  of them become taxi drivers" she said.

[Majer]

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[MikeBjerum]

Major, YOU  ARE  SICK !!!