Classic joke thread...

[PegLeg45]

^^^^^^^
Yep.

 

[Big Frank]

Brings back memories of blood blisters, cuts, and cursing. 

[MikeBjerum]

It's the old Civil Engineer joke about running the sanitary sewer through a recreational area only done in a child friendly way.

[ellis4538]

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.  OR YOUR THUMB!  There, fixed it for ya!

Richard

PS:  Yes, I did enjoy them.

[sledgemeister]

The Two Prawns


Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea, two prawns were swimming around.
One called Justin and the other called  Christian. 

The  prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks  that inhabited the area. 

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;  I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.' 

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted' 


Lo  and behold, Justin turned into a shark and horrified, Christian  immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. 

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. 

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to  them. 

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of  his sad plight. 

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. 

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and  behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. 


With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his  friends and bought them all a cocktail. 

(The  punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much  worse)... 
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. 

'Where's Christian?' he asked. 

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply. 

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. 

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. 

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend,  come out and see me again.' 

Christian  replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the  enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.' 

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'............ 

(You're  going to love  this................................)












'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian' 

[Sponsor]

[kmitch200]

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a heavy older lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son...

"Go get your mother."

[tt11758]

I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you. 
It was to me and it's very well written and I hope that you enjoy it too .


" WINTER "
 
by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre



Shit It's Cold!!!!
 
The End

[tt11758]

                One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

                Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..


                Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

                Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

                Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.



                Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.


                By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

                True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

                Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.


                He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

                Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?

                All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'.


                The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
                'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

[Johnny Bravo]

High Urinals
 A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

 
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.  The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

 
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one.

 
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.  Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied.  'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

[TAB]

A women was shopping at the local supermarket, where she selected:

2% milk, half gallon
12 eggs
1 Quart of orange juice

1 Head of romaine lettuce
2 lb. can of coffee

1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."

She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at the six items on the belt, and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"



The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."