Classic joke thread...

[eyegore42]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers. "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for gonorhea. We can't tell which your husband is."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" asked Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[Teresa Heilevang]

I love it!   

[Teresa Heilevang]

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his hoohoo.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo.
3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring.

[Teresa Heilevang]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a
truck and dies.
 
  His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
 
  "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems  there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,  you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you."
 
  "No problem, just let me in," says the man.
 
  "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do  is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you  can choose where
to spend eternity."
 
  "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
 
  "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
 
  And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes  down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself  in the middle of a
green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse  and standing in front of
it are all his friends and other politicians  who had worked with him.
 
  Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,  shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while  getting rich at
the expense of the people.
 
  They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar  and
champagne.
 
  Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who  has a
good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a  good time that
before he realizes it, it is time to go.
 
  Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator  rises...
  The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him.
 
  "Now it's time to visit heaven."
 
  So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time
and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
 
  "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity."
 
  The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
be better off in hell."
 
  So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,  down to
hell.
 Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage.
 
  He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and  putting
it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
 
  The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

  "I..I.. I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here  and
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and  caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now  there's just a wasteland
full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
  What happened?"
 
  The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning...... Today you voted."

[Teresa Heilevang]

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.

Written in large black letters was the sentence:  "Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week."

[Sponsor]

[Spodeboy]

Q:  What's the difference between a Harley-Davidson motorcycle and a vacuum?

A:  The location of the dirtbag.

A note to all you Harley riders: please don't hunt me down.   

[Bill Stryker]

               The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum,  a visitor asked the
Director, 'How do you determine whether or not a  patient should
be institutionalized.'

' Well,' said  the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer
a teaspoon, a teacup  and a bucket to the patient and ask him or
her to empty the  bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A
normal  person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the
spoon or the  teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person  would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?'

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO  MINE?

[Bill Stryker]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.



 

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

 

 
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

 

 
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked
vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go
by and nobody sees the old abbot.

 

 
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R !
We missed the R !
  We missed the R !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word was...

 

 
CELEBRATE!!!"

[DesertRat66]

One evening, Mike went over to his friend, Terry's, house to play cards with some friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry's stunningly beautiful young wife.

Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across under the table, he saw that Terry's wife had her legs wide open ....and no panties on! He sat up and was both highly surprised and flushed ...so went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise, Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, 'So, Mike, did you like what you saw?' Mike said, "Yes, I sure did!"'

Terry's beautiful wife said in a sultry demuring purr, "...Well, you can get a lot more than just a look, but it will cost you $500." Mike thought about his financial situation and said, "Sure....okay!" She said, "Come on over here tomorrow at 2:30, because Terry will be at work, and you'll get your moneys worth."

Excitedly, Mike said, "...I'll see you then!!"

The next day Mike went over with the $500, they had wild sex all afternoon, he paid her, and then he left.

Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today?"

Thinking she had been caught, she said "....As a matter of fact, he did."

Terry said, "...Good, because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 until Noon, and he said he would come over and leave it with you."

[Majer]

A redneck (WV) was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice
chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove that's well-known for its
fishing
The game warden asked the man...
"Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"No, sir," replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there
licenses, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"
"Yeah, every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let
'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back
into these here ice chests and I take 'em back home."

"That's a bunch of crap! Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's
the truth, Mr.Government Man, I'll show ya. It really works."
"OK," said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After
several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"
"Well, what?," says the redneck.
The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden.
"What fish?" replied the redneck.

Moral of this story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers,
but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.