Classic joke thread...

[Crescendo]

One from a retiree -

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went
into a shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So my wife called him a s---head.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with thefirst.

Then he started writing a third ticket...

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

[Hazcat]

Hillary Clinton, the lead Presidential Democratic Party candidate is for banning all guns in America. She is considered by  those who  have dealt with her as a little more than just a little  self-righteous.

At a recent rural elementary school  meeting in north Florida she asked the kids  audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, she started to slowly clap  her hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence,  she said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in  America dies from gun violence.' 

A young voice with a proud southern  accent (probably little Johnny) from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet!  'Well, stop clapping, ya stupid bitch! 

[idpasteve]

ok, I'll play....

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Bill Stryker]

----- Subject:  The Front or Back of A Tree?

For those who are not from Michigan or Wisconsin a Yooper is one who lives in Michigans upper pennisula.
 

A YOOPER DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS CANADA TO SEE THE PACIFIC OCEAN WHEN HE GETS TO NANAIMO , HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY.

 

BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!

 

HE WALKS INTO THE MACMILLIAN-BLOEDEL OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOGGER.  IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!!  THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE.

 

BUT FIRST, THE BUSH FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE BUSH IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

 

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE. "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?  I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS. THE YOOPER PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "DATS DERE'S A SITKA SPRUCE, EH?  AND SHE GOT 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."

 

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD.  HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION.

 

THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.

 

"VOY KAUHEA!!  DAT'S YER DOUGLAS FIR AND SHE GOT 690 BOARD FEET." SAYS THE YOOPER.

 

NOW THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED. THE YOOPER HAS ANSWERED QUICKLY AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!   ONE MORE TEST.

 

THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"

 

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE YOOPER SAYS,  "A YELLER CEDAR,
242 BOARD FEET AT MOS'."

 

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE PISSED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE YOOPER IS SMARTER THAN HE.

 

AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS THE YOOPER TO STEP OUTSIDE.  HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT  TREE OVER THERE?

 

I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!

 

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT!!  HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?

 

WHEN THE YOOPER REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND.  HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.

 

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "DAT'S DA FRONT A' DAT TREE FER SURE." THE YOOPER STATES.

 

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

 

THE YOOPER LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES,

 

"CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A SHIT BEHIND IT, EH?"

 

HE GOT THE JOB AND IS NOW THE FOREMAN!!!!!

 

[Bill Stryker]

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
 
retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
retirement a
bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any
two
points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points
would be.
 
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top
of his
head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out
with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured
from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with
$96,000.
 
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who,
when
asked where he would like to be measured replied,  "From the tip of my
weenie to
my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to recon sider,
explaining
about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.
 
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him
providing the measurement was taken by a
medical officer.
 
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em,"
which he
did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the
Chief's
weenie and began to work back.
 
"Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicl es?"
 
The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."

 

[Sponsor]

[tombogan03884]

                             Hillery's first night as president:
Hillary Clinton is elected president, boots out Bill and goes to bed for her first night in the white house,
Suddenly, the ghost of George Washington appears, How can I best serve my country? Hilly asks,  Never tell a lie. George tells her.  Oh, I don't know about that, she says.
On the second night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears, How can I best serve my country ? Hillery asks. Listen to the people, Jefferson answers. Wow, I don't think I can do that she demurs.
On the third night the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appears, How can I best serve my country? Hillery asks.
Lincoln answers, "Go to the theater."

[Teresa Heilevang]

Quick Check for Alzheimer's

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University .
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

 The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.



Read on:



Now go back.... and read the third word in each line from the top down.

[Teresa Heilevang]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.  The doctor
Comes in and says,

"Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.  Now, you probably won't
Remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway.  You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...something happened.  I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance
Compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact!  But
The thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this.

"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want.
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had
A five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine-incher, she might be
A bit put out.  But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to
Invest in a five-incher this time, she might be disappointed.  So it's
Important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.

"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"She has," says the man.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting a new kitchen.

[Teresa Heilevang]

Been gone awhile.. so I have to start to catch up..


   While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man
      came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against
      the  tree.

       Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are
      you doing?'
     
     'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.
     
     'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'
     
     'No, would you like to give it a try?'
 
      Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...'
 So he wrapped  his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With
this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet,
     jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
 
     Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy
      handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened
     to you?'

 He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
 
     When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head
     in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear
     and said:
'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'

[Teresa Heilevang]

Chelsea Clinton recently discussed current events with a U.S. soldier.
 
She asked if, as an American fighting man, anything scared him .   
 
He told her there were only three things he feared:

1) Osama

2) Obama

AND
 
3) Yo Mama