Classic joke thread...

[ellis4538]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.  She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, How much will you charge me?"
 
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
 
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
 
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
 
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?
 
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
 
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
 
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
 
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

 Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
 

 "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[Hazcat]

You would  ...................sighhhhhhhhhh

Guess which I liked best... 

C'mon Marshal'ette!  You HAD to like the penguin!  Unexpected, out of left field and the timing was perfect!

[Teresa Heilevang]

I actually did.. but you liked it, so I decided not to..

[Crescendo]

Some of my best friends are penguin's !! 

[Teresa Heilevang]

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
 "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he doesn't have no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
 "You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids!!"

[Sponsor]

[Teresa Heilevang]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a damned duck!"

[ellis4538]

POSSIBLY THE VERY BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER:

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit disgusted, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, 'Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!'



If anyone needs it explained - read it a second time.

[Bill Stryker]

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM DILLION, MONTANA, COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING. 
 
THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY ALL OF HIS LIFE.
 
WHEN HE DIED, AT THE AGE OF 103, HE LEFT BEHIND:
 
14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRAND-CHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN,
 
AND A 30 FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

[Bill Stryker]

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She  thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good  job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into Town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One  o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found  the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, Waiting for  him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she  asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and  placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned  it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[Dakotaranger]

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