Classic joke thread...

[PegLeg45]

 Confucius say,
"If you are in a book store and cannot find the book for which you search, you are obviously in the......

[tt11758]

What Is a HUSBAND?

A real husband is a woman's best friend.
He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad
day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to
live without fear and forget regret.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her
most intimate desires.
He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful
woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive, invincible ...
 .... No wait...
 
 


 I'm thinking of tequila

[Solus]

A man need a woman who loves to cook.

A man need a woman who loves to clean house.

A man needs a woman who loves sex.

A men needs to never let these 3 women meet.

[tt11758]

A man need a woman who loves to cook.

A man need a woman who loves to clean house.

A man needs a woman who loves sex.

A men needs to never let these 3 women meet.

Words to live by. 

[TAB]

Words to live by. 

or die by should they ever meet...

[Sponsor]

[Solus]

Al Qaeda on Strike

BBC News - Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.  Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54.  A company spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational  Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for strike vote.  General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlandsin, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.  Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.  It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off.  I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.”
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle.  Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

[ellis4538]

A man needs a woman that never asks..."Honey, does this outfit make me look fat?"

JMHOFWIW


Richard

[Johnny Bravo]

 

How bad is the economy    

 

The economy is sooooo bad that -----


 
…I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

…African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!

…Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

 

…I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"


…CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

…Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

…My ATM gave me an IOU!

…A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

…I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

…I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with the purchase was a bank.

…If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if

they meant you or them.


…McDonald's is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.

…Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

 

…Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

…My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

 

…A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

…Motel Six won't leave the light on for you anymore.
 
…A picture is now only worth 200 words.

…They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street ."

…When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

…One of the casinos in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

[philw]

A guy is strolling along Vegas Strip when a stunning hooker catches his

eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, “How much?”

 

The Hooker replies, “$500 for a hand-job.” The guy’s jaw drops: “$500

dollars, For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!”




 

The hooker says, “Do you see that Hard Rock cafe on the corner?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Do you see the Hard Rock about a block further down?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“And beyond that, do you see that third Cafe?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Well,” says the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own those. And, I own

them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500.”

 

The Guy says, “What the hell? I’ll give it a try.” They retire to a

nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed

realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth

every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, “I suppose a blow-job is

$1,000?” The hooker replies, “$1,500.”

 

“$1,500? No blow-job could be worth that.” The hooker replies, “Step

over here to the window, big boy. See that casino just across the

street? I own it. And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth

every cent of $1,500.”

 

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, says, “Sign

me up.” Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than

before. He can’t believe it but he feels he truly got his money’s worth.

He decides to dip into the pension savings for one glorious and

unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, “How much for some pussy?”

 

The hooker says, “Come over here to the window. Do you see how the whole

city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights,

gambling palaces, and showplaces?”

 

“Damn!” the guy says, in awe, “You own the whole city?”

 

“No,” the hooker replies, “but I would if I had a pussy.”

[Majer]

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."