Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1368216 times)

Majer

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #3800 on: July 22, 2011, 10:24:47 PM »
A major political question looms: If Russia attacked Turkey from the rear, do you think Greece would help?

"If violent crime is to be curbed, it is only the intended victim who can do it. The felon does not fear the police, and he fears neither judge nor jury. Therefore what he must be taught to fear is his victim." - Jeff Cooper
Pericles--"Freedom is only for those who have the guts to defend it".

The problem with society today is that not enough of us drink wine from our enemies skulls”.

It takes 43 muscles to frown, 17 to smile, and 3 for proper trigger squeeze.

Gun control is like trying to reduce drunk driving by making it tougher for sober people to own cars!!!
-Sheriff Jim Wilson
"When tyranny becomes law rebellion becomes duty" Thomas Jefferson
Es gibt keine Notwendigkeit zu befürchten, Underdog hier ist.
Great nations rise and fall. The people go from bondage to spiritual truth, to great courage, from courage to liberty, from liberty to abundance, from abundance to selfishness, from selfishness to complacency, from complacency to apathy, from apathy to dependence, from dependence back again to bondage. Where are we now??????

tombogan03884

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #3801 on: July 22, 2011, 11:18:02 PM »
You're a bad person Major,  ;D
During the Balkan wars they always jumped in on the Russian side, but they were occupied by Turkey then.

philw

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #3802 on: July 23, 2011, 06:25:13 AM »


these are words to live by

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.  It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.  Harold Schlumberg is such a person:



THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:

I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'

Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine.  It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling.  I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

 

 

Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them. The only thing you can’t do is ignore them

Majer

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #3803 on: July 23, 2011, 09:07:10 AM »
A successful attorney parked his brand new Buggatti in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Buggatti, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.

"My Rolex!"
"If violent crime is to be curbed, it is only the intended victim who can do it. The felon does not fear the police, and he fears neither judge nor jury. Therefore what he must be taught to fear is his victim." - Jeff Cooper
Pericles--"Freedom is only for those who have the guts to defend it".

The problem with society today is that not enough of us drink wine from our enemies skulls”.

It takes 43 muscles to frown, 17 to smile, and 3 for proper trigger squeeze.

Gun control is like trying to reduce drunk driving by making it tougher for sober people to own cars!!!
-Sheriff Jim Wilson
"When tyranny becomes law rebellion becomes duty" Thomas Jefferson
Es gibt keine Notwendigkeit zu befürchten, Underdog hier ist.
Great nations rise and fall. The people go from bondage to spiritual truth, to great courage, from courage to liberty, from liberty to abundance, from abundance to selfishness, from selfishness to complacency, from complacency to apathy, from apathy to dependence, from dependence back again to bondage. Where are we now??????

GASPASSERDELUXE

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #3804 on: July 23, 2011, 07:35:10 PM »


Subject: Fwd: Not too good!!





A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to
go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.
In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to
ejaculate, try startling yourself."


That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.
All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he
found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.


As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man,
moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter
pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor.


The doctor asked, "How did it go?"


The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife shit on
my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbour came out of the closet
with his hands in the air."

 

Sponsor

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #3805 on: Today at 01:00:33 PM »

Pathfinder

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #3805 on: July 24, 2011, 07:06:54 PM »
"I won't be wronged, I won't be insulted, I won't be laid a hand on. I don't do this to others and I require the same from them"

J.B. Books

Majer

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #3806 on: July 25, 2011, 06:25:32 PM »
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian) an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

The maître d' scrutinizes the group one by one and bars their entrance, saying, "Sorry - you can't come in here without a Thai."
"If violent crime is to be curbed, it is only the intended victim who can do it. The felon does not fear the police, and he fears neither judge nor jury. Therefore what he must be taught to fear is his victim." - Jeff Cooper
Pericles--"Freedom is only for those who have the guts to defend it".

The problem with society today is that not enough of us drink wine from our enemies skulls”.

It takes 43 muscles to frown, 17 to smile, and 3 for proper trigger squeeze.

Gun control is like trying to reduce drunk driving by making it tougher for sober people to own cars!!!
-Sheriff Jim Wilson
"When tyranny becomes law rebellion becomes duty" Thomas Jefferson
Es gibt keine Notwendigkeit zu befürchten, Underdog hier ist.
Great nations rise and fall. The people go from bondage to spiritual truth, to great courage, from courage to liberty, from liberty to abundance, from abundance to selfishness, from selfishness to complacency, from complacency to apathy, from apathy to dependence, from dependence back again to bondage. Where are we now??????

PegLeg45

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #3807 on: July 26, 2011, 03:25:42 PM »
The sign below is an actual sign hanging on a main thoroughfare in our town......... I thought if you crop the top and bottom lines, it would be perfect to hang in DC......


"I expect perdition, I always have. I keep this building at my back, and several guns handy, in case perdition arrives in a form that's susceptible to bullets. I expect it will come in the disease form, though. I'm susceptible to diseases, and you can't shoot a damned disease." ~ Judge Roy Bean, Streets of Laredo

For the Patriots of this country, the Constitution is second only to the Bible for most. For those who love this country, but do not share my personal beliefs, it is their Bible. To them nothing comes before the Constitution of these United States of America. For this we are all labeled potential terrorists. ~ Dean Garrison

"When it comes to the enemy, just because they ain't pullin' a trigger, doesn't mean they ain't totin' ammo for those that are."~PegLeg

PegLeg45

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #3808 on: July 26, 2011, 03:31:27 PM »
Dakotaranger posted the following video on FB of BHO's latest speech.

Enjoy (and I don't even think he's using a teleprompter either!)   ;D



"I expect perdition, I always have. I keep this building at my back, and several guns handy, in case perdition arrives in a form that's susceptible to bullets. I expect it will come in the disease form, though. I'm susceptible to diseases, and you can't shoot a damned disease." ~ Judge Roy Bean, Streets of Laredo

For the Patriots of this country, the Constitution is second only to the Bible for most. For those who love this country, but do not share my personal beliefs, it is their Bible. To them nothing comes before the Constitution of these United States of America. For this we are all labeled potential terrorists. ~ Dean Garrison

"When it comes to the enemy, just because they ain't pullin' a trigger, doesn't mean they ain't totin' ammo for those that are."~PegLeg

Bill Stryker

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #3809 on: July 26, 2011, 07:23:03 PM »
This Just In…


Playboy reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue.  Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic.

In other news . . .   Surely we all remember when KFC offered a "Hillary Meal," consisting of two small breasts and two large thighs.  Now, they're offering the "Obama Bucket."  It contains nothing but left wings and chicken shit.

 

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