Classic joke thread...

[tt11758]

Ponderisms
 

Can you cry under water?

 

Why do they say naked as a Jay Bird.  They aren't naked, they have feathers.

 

HOW IMPORTANT DOES A PERSON HAVE TO BE BEFORE THEY ARE CONSIDERED

ASSASSINATED INSTEAD OF JUST MURDERED?

 

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO "PUT YOUR TWO CENTS IN"..BUT IT'S ONLY A

"PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS?"  WHERE'S THAT EXTRA PENNY GOING TO?

 

ONCE YOU'RE IN HEAVEN, DO YOU GET STUCK WEARING THE CLOTHES

YOU WERE BURIED IN FOR ETERNITY?

 

WHY DOES A ROUND PIZZA COME IN A SQUARE BOX?

 

WHAT DISEASE DID CURED HAM ACTUALLY HAVE?

 

HOW IS IT THAT WE PUT MAN ON THE MOON BEFORE WE FIGURED OUT IT

WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO PUT WHEELS ON LUGGAGE?

 

WHY IS IT THAT PEOPLE SAY THEY "SLEPT LIKE A BABY" WHEN BABIES

WAKE UP LIKE EVERY TWO HOURS?

 

IF A DEAF PERSON HAS TO GO TO COURT, IS IT STILL CALLED A HEARING?

 

WHY ARE YOU "IN" A MOVIE, BUT YOU'RE "ON" TV?

 

WHY DO PEOPLE PAY TO GO UP TALL BUILDINGS AND THEN PUT MONEY IN

BINOCULARS TO LOOK AT THINGS ON THE GROUND?

 

WHY DO DOCTORS LEAVE THE ROOM WHILE YOU CHANGE?

THEY'RE GOING TO SEE YOU NAKED ANYWAY.

 

WHY IS "BRA" SINGULAR AND "PANTIES" PLURAL?

 

WHY DO TOASTERS ALWAYS HAVE A SETTING THAT BURNS THE TOAST TO

A HORRIBLE CRISP, WHICH NO DECENT HUMAN BEING WOULD EAT?

 

IF JIMMY CRACKS CORN AND NO ONE CARES, WHY IS THERE A STUPID SONG ABOUT HIM?

 

CAN A HEARSE CARRYING A CORPSE DRIVE IN THE CARPOOL LANE?

 

IF THE PROFESSOR ON GILLIGAN'S ISLAND CAN MAKE A RADIO OUT OF A COCONUT,

WHY CAN'T HE FIX A HOLE IN A BOAT?

 

WHY DOES GOOFY STAND ERECT WHILE PLUTO REMAINS ON ALL FOURS?  THEY ARE BOTH DOGS!

 

IF WILE E. COYOTE HAD ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY ALL THAT ACME CRAP,

WHY DIDN'T HE JUST BUY DINNER?

 

IF CORN OIL IS MADE FROM CORN AND VEGETABLE OIL IS MADE FROM VEGETABLES,

WHY IS BABY OIL MADE FROM?

 

IF ELECTRICITY COMES FROM ELECTRONS, DOES MORALITY COME FROM MORONS?

 

DO THE ALPHABET SONG AND TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR HAVE THE SAME TUNE?

 

WHY DID YOU JUST TRY SINGING THE TWO SONGS ABOVE?

 

WHY DO THEY CALL IT AN ASTEROID WHEN IT'S OUTSIDE THE HEMISPHERE,

BUT CALL IT A HEMORRHOID WHEN IT'S IN YOUR BUTT?

 

DID YOU EVER NOTICE THAT WHEN YOU BLOW IN A DOG'S FACE,

HE GETS MAD AT YOU, BUT WHEN YOU TAKE HIM FOR A CAR RIDE,

HE STICKS HIS HEAD OUT THE WINDOW?

I wonder if infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

When you choke a Smurf, what color does he turn?

Why are there braille instructions on a drive-up ATM?

Why are there locks on the doors of 24-hour convenience stores?

[Big Frank]

Why do you drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?

[Bill Stryker]

Bubba and Johnny Ray were sittin' on the front porch drinking beer
when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.
"I'm gonna do dat when I win the lottery," said Bubba.
"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.
"Send my grass out to be mowed."

[Ichiban]

I don't care, I think it's funny.



An old farmer is driving down a country road in his pickup truck when it starts making an awful noise. He stops the truck and crawls underneath to investigate the problem. "Hmmm...muffler's loose. I bet I could fix that if I had a Monkey Wrench." He says. He crawls out from underneath the truck and looks down the road. Off in the distance he sees a small house. There is a black woman and several small black children playing in the yard.

The Farmer yells to her "Hey Miss, do you happen to have Monkey Wrench?"

"What?" She yells back."What?"

"MONKEY WRENCH!!?...MONKEY WRENCH!!?"

"Naw, this ain't no Monkey Ranch, its a Day Care Center!"

[Teresa Heilevang]

[Sponsor]

[Teresa Heilevang]

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns
 
Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping
through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic
 
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a b*tch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic
 
 
Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada
 
 
Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just
saying...
Sincerely,
Google
 
 
 
Dear 2011,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF
happened?!
Sincerely,
1985
 
 
 
Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP
 
Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God
 
 
Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely, Stevie Wonder
 
 
Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely, Black people
 
 
Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely, Sarah Palin
 
 
 
Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely, Parents Everywhere
 
 
Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely, Superman
 
 
Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies
 
 
Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol
 
 
Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some
Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans
 
 
 
Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans
 
 
Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You
piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User
 
 
Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore
 
 
Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

[ellis4538]

MY  PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse  Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences..'
The  following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.   

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.  Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this.)
 

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'



 

 

 

 



 
 

 

 

 

 

 

[GASPASSERDELUXE]

 

Apparently I was wrong!   

 

 At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point.  The question was, “where do women mostly have curly hair?” Apparently, the correct answer was Africa.
 
One of the other questions was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.
 
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
 
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
 
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
 
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a mustache."
 
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook.
I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!"
Next thing I know 4,000 f....g Muslims have added me as a friend!!
 
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.   
 
The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
 

 

[1911 Junkie]

That just made me laugh for the first time today. Thanks.   

[kmitch200]

Apparently I was wrong!   

Stolen faster than a politcian can lie!