Classic joke thread...

[GASPASSERDELUXE]

A doctor from  Israel  says: "In  Israel  the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in  Germany  we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In  Russia  we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA (about 2 years ago) we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole country is looking for work !!!!!!"
 

[FSBARAK]

5 things to remember:

1. Money cannot buy happiness but...somehow, its more comfortable
to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.

3. Help a man when he is in trouble & he will remember you when
he is in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I called my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying. He
said, "If the current administration is in office much longer,
canned goods and ammunition is your best bet."

[tombogan03884]

5 things to remember:

1. Money cannot buy happiness but...somehow, its more comfortable
to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.

3. Help a man when he is in trouble & he will remember you when
he is in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I called my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying. He
said, "If the current administration is in office much longer,
canned goods and ammunition is your best bet."

Back in the late 80' or early 90's John Stossel did an investigative report on just that. His findings were that for people making less than $50,000/Yr (in 1990 $ ) a large influx of money could in fact lead to a lasting improvement in their lives, in effect, buying happiness.

[FSBARAK]

Back in the late 80' or early 90's John Stossel did an investigative report on just that. His findings were that for people making less than $50,000/Yr (in 1990 $ ) a large influx of money could in fact lead to a lasting improvement in their lives, in effect, buying happiness.

I'd be willing to test that theory. 

[GASPASSERDELUXE]

Mule Trading
 

 
 
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily
News in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for
$100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule
the next day.
 
The next morning the farmer drove up and said,
"Sorry, fellas, I have some bad news, the mule
died last night." Curtis & Leroy replied, Well,
then just give us our money back."
 
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and
spent it already." They said, "OK then, just
bring us the dead mule."
 
The farmer asked, "What ya'll gonna do with a
dead mule?" Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him
off."
 
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead
mule!" Leroy said, "We shore can!  Heck, we
don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
 
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into
Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery
store and asked. "What'd you fellers ever do
with that dead mule?"
 
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we
wuz gonna do." Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold
500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a
profit of $898."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone
complain?" Curtis said, "Well, the feller who
won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars
back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus
Programs.
 

Limit all US politicians to two Terms.
One in office - One in prison

 

[Sponsor]

[fightingquaker13]

Now that is a classic! Southern politics in a nutshell.ROFL and weeping. It hits way to close to home here in florida.
FQ13

[tt11758]

[Bill Stryker]

Love a good Catholic joke .....

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a
construction site noticed the coarse language of
the workers and decided to spend some time with them
to correct their ways.

 She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the
workers; and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked
over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group
and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other
very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks
and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"

The worker yelled back, "Cause his wife's here with his lunch."

[tombogan03884]

To  Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1.   In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.'
2. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
3.   Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'. 
4.   Sing Along At The Opera. 
5.   Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend
Their Party Because You have a headache.
6.   When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,
Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
7.   Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy,
We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity:
           
8.   PICK UP A BOX  OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY,
GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE  FITTING ROOM   IS.   

[sledgemeister]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While
suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the
aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
 
 
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he
crawled downstairs.
 
 
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into
the kitchen.  Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought
himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen
table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
 
 
Was it heaven?  Or was it one final act of love from his devoted
Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a
happy man?
 
 
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand
trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was
suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon.......
 
 
'f..k off!' she said. 'Those are for the funeral!'