Classic joke thread...

[Solus]

The solution to the problem of dating girls half your age comes from knowing the perfect pick up line to use on them.

Sidle up next to the younger girl and lean in really close and say.  "Excuse me Miss, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"

Here is the pick up technique...for any age.

Say you have a $413.00 check to deposit into your savings account.  To to an ATM and enter the deposit as 413,000.  It will be rejected as soon as they verify the actual check amount, but your balance will show 413,000 plus what ever was in your account prior to this deposit.

Then do a balance inquiry and keep the slip showing the $413,000+ balance. 

Go to your favorite hang out, strike up a conversation with the woman of your choice and after talking to her, tell her you have to go, but tell her you would like to see her again, take out the balance inquiry slip, write your phone number on it and ask her to call you if she is interested.

If she just happens to examine the slip, she might be interested.....

[billt]

[Bill Stryker]

He's My Brother - This is Priceless

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "No sir, not exactly, but they aren't for me.  They're for him.  He's my brother. He's four.

We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

[philw]

Husband Down, Aisle 6.



A husband and wife are shopping in their local Super Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for a case of 24 cans" he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
 

[philw]

and a Man Down, Aisle 5

[Sponsor]

[Big Frank]

Time for a nap. 

[SwoopSJ]

Now THAT is funny stuff, right there.  ROFL!!! 
He shouldn't even be arrested for public intoxication since he provided such great entertainment.  Just don't let him drive... at least until he finishes sleeping it off in aisle 5.   

Swoop

[tombogan03884]

Now THAT is funny stuff, right there.  ROFL!!! 
He shouldn't even be arrested for public intoxication since he provided such great entertainment.  Just don't let him drive... at least until he finishes sleeping it off in aisle 5.   

Swoop

That may be true, but they really must do something  about the dead Husband in aisle 4 

Husband Down, Aisle 6.



A husband and wife are shopping in their local Super Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for a case of 24 cans" he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
 

[PegLeg45]

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning.
When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

 

[PegLeg45]

Lawyer One Liners

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: tick falls off of you when you die.

Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Q: What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
A: Retired.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change the bulb and five to write the environmental impact statement.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school?
A: A f-ing know-it-all.

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his @$$.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.

Q: Did you hear about the group of terrorists that hijacked a plane full of lawyers?
A: They called down to ground control with their list of demands, threatening that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: If you see a lawyer on bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
A: That might be your bicycle.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer #1: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time sheets, two to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

Answer #2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb... to his.

Answer #3: How many can you afford?

Answer #4: Heck, you need 250 just to apply for the research grant.

Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture?
A: Just say "Fees!"

Q: Why are lawyers so good at racketball?
A: Because they stoop so low.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, and then on the other.

Q: What would happen if you lock a zombie in a room full of lawyers?
A: He would starve to death.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A: Senator.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: "Your honor."

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.

Q: What does it mean when a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule?
A: It means that after you pay his bill, it's financially hard to get back on your feet.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A:  A good start!

Q: Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they are really good guys.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: A shortage of sand.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

Answer #1: Take your foot off his head.

Answer #2: No? Good!

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid extra for a longer fight.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an angry rhinoceros?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a computer nerd?
A: Sooner or later everyone needs a lawyer.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is a catfish.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A: A hooker will stop screwing you after you are dead.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: A lawyer can take off his wingtips.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.