Classic joke thread...

[Solus]

A man is walking along a cliff and he slips and falls over the edge.

Clawing at the cliff, he manages to grab hold of a protruding root several feet below the edge.

Desperately grasping the root, he yells, "HELP!  HELP! Is there anyone up there who can help me!"

He hears a loud voice from above that says  "I CAN HELP YOU."

The man says  "Who are you."

The voice says  "I AM GOD.  HAVE FAITH IN ME AND I WILL SAVE YOU."

The man says  "Thank you God.  What should I do?"

The voice says "LET GO OF THE ROOT AND I WILL SAVE YOU."

The man says  "HELP! HELP!.  Is there anyone else up there who can help me?"

[Solus]

Let me apologize to the decent lawyers out there for these Lawyer jokes.  I know both of you don't deserve to be grouped with the rest of them. 

Joke 1.

Q.  What is the difference between an accident scene where a lawyer is hit by a car and a dog is hit by a car?

A.  There will be skid marks by the dog.


Joke 2.

Many major testing laboratories are switching to using lawyers in their experiments because they have these advantages over lab rats.

- There are so many of them

- The lab assistants don't get attached to them

- There are some things a rat won't do.

[ellis4538]

A blonde going to Chicago 

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO Chicago WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS  SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
                   
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.  SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.                   

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO
CHICAGO  AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."                   

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.                   

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.                   

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO CHICAGO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."                   

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY
SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST  THIS BLONDE WOMAN, WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.                   

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."                   
HE GOES BACK TO THE
BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,  AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES  BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.                   

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND  ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.             
   

 "I TOLD HER,           "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO CHICAGO ".                       

[PegLeg45]

 

[Hazcat]

 AUSSIE MEDICAL RESEARCH

                       Australian Medical Association researchers have found
                       that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit
                       from receiving chicken blood
                       rather than human blood.

                       It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....

                       Just thought you'd like to know.

                       BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO ARE CRACKED,
                       FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT!

                       OK, I'll be going to the corner now.

[Sponsor]

[Teresa Heilevang]

Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School.
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Rachel arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of
Pinot Grigio. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the
required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine. Then
Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old tee shirt, blue jeans and boots.
She too shares the wine.

Rachel tells that after leaving high school and graduating from
Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York ’s leading
law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where
Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples,Florida .

Samantha explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her
boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in California and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his willy.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel
blurts out that her husband is a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a
small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby
storage facility.

Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains
that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They
live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Samantha admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

[Pathfinder]

 Crusader? Usually it's M'ette who has a blond moment . . . .  

[crusader rabbit]

Two great minds with a single thought.  OR, two bird-brains s#itting on the same branch...  I hit "Delete."

[Teresa Heilevang]

Older Men  Scam                                        
               
Women often receive warnings about  protecting themselves
at the mall  and in dark parking lots,  etc. This is the first warning  I
have seen for men. I wanted  to pass it on in case you haven't heard
about it.           
                                                           
A  'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at
Lowe's, Home  Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one is catching them totally by surprise. 
Over the last month I had a freind who  became a  victim of a clever scam
while out  shopping. Simply going out  to get supplies has turned out
to be quite  traumatic. Don't be  naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your  friends.                                             
               
He emailed with this......Here's how the scam works:                                 
               
Two  nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to
your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle.  They
both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their
breasts almost  falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not
to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.                                       
               
You agree and they climb into the  vehicle. On the way,
they start  undressing. Then one of them  starts crawling all over you,
while the  other one steals your  wallet.                             
               
I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th,  twice on the
15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st  & 4th, twice on the 8th,
16th, 23rd,  26th & 27th, and  very likely again this upcoming weekend.
               
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to
take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be  vigilant.       
               
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each.  I found even
cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and  bought them out in three of their stores.                                                   
               
Also, you  never get to eat at McDonald's.
I've already lost 11 pounds  just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.   
                                                           
               
I wanted all the older men to know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.

(The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in  the afternoon.)         
 

 

[tt11758]

Older Men  Scam                                        
               
Women often receive warnings about  protecting themselves
at the mall  and in dark parking lots,  etc. This is the first warning  I
have seen for men. I wanted  to pass it on in case you haven't heard
about it.           
                                                           
A  'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at
Lowe's, Home  Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one is catching them totally by surprise. 
Over the last month I had a freind who  became a  victim of a clever scam
while out  shopping. Simply going out  to get supplies has turned out
to be quite  traumatic. Don't be  naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your  friends.                                             
               
He emailed with this......Here's how the scam works:                                 
               
Two  nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to
your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle.  They
both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their
breasts almost  falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not
to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.                                       
               
You agree and they climb into the  vehicle. On the way,
they start  undressing. Then one of them  starts crawling all over you,
while the  other one steals your  wallet.                             
               
I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th,  twice on the
15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st  & 4th, twice on the 8th,
16th, 23rd,  26th & 27th, and  very likely again this upcoming weekend.
               
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to
take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be  vigilant.       
               
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each.  I found even
cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and  bought them out in three of their stores.                                                   
               
Also, you  never get to eat at McDonald's.
I've already lost 11 pounds  just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.   
                                                           
               
I wanted all the older men to know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.

(The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in  the afternoon.)         
 

 

I fell victim to that scam three times just today!!