Classic joke thread...

[tombogan03884]

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone.

I want that on my license plate ! 

[jaybet]

Brokeback Deerhunt


Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
         
The first guy slept with Daryl and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, 'Man, what happened to you?' He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'

The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night.'

The third night was Frank's turn.  Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. 'Good morning,' he said.  The other two couldn't believe it!  He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, 'Man, what happened?'

He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his ass and kissed him good night.  Daryl sat up and watched me all night.'

[MikeBjerum]

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

*
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*
*
*
*
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*
*
*

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either!

[tt11758]

A couple of corrections to the state mottos post:

Minnesota: land of 10,000 lakes and 3 walleye.
South Dakota: where the men are men and so are the women.
Kansas:  Home of hot looking little blonde-haired country girls.  (Why yes, I AM a shameless suckup)

[Hazcat]

A couple of corrections to the state mottos post:

Minnesota: land of 10,000 lakes and 3 walleye.
South Dakota: where the men are men and so are the women.
Kansas:  Home of hot looking little blonde-haired country girls.  (Why yes, I AM a shameless suckup)

Truer words never spoken!



(put me on that list, too )

[Sponsor]

[PegLeg45]

IRISH BLOND

An attractive blond from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm 'completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

 

 

 
MORAL OF THE STORY

 
Not all Irish are stupid..

 
Not all blonds are dumb,

 
But all men are men.

 

[Teresa Heilevang]

At the  end of a small, almost deserted bar in New Orleans sat a huge black man He was having a few beers, when a  short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside  him.

 After three or four beers, the gay man got the  courage to say a few words to the big black man. Leaning over  towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow  job?"

 At this, the massive black man leaped up with  fire in his eyes, and smacked the shit out of the gay man,  knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him  all the way out of the bar, leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returned to his seat.

Amazed, the  bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black  man, and said, "I've never seen you react like that before.  What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the black man  replied. "Something about a job."

[long762range]

I TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!!!!

LAS VEGAS CHURCHES ACCEPT GAMBLING CHIPS!!!

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

[PegLeg45]

A man walks into a bar in Louisiana with an alligator under one arm and a stick in his other hand.
As the patrons looked on he sat the gator down on a table, unzipped his fly and placed his 'man-parts' into the gators mouth.
He then began to hit the alligator on the head with the stick.
This went on for a good two minutes.
He then removed 'himself' from the gator's mouth, stepped back, and said, "Anyone else in here man enough to try that?".
A fellow in the back of the bar stood up and said, "I will.....if you promise not to hit me on the head with that stick".


 

[Big Frank]

I may as well post the other chip monk joke...


A monastery in the English countryside has fallen on hard times, and the
monks decide to open a fish-and-chips restaurant.

A visitor comes across two monks working in the monastery kitchen in
preparation for the restaurant's grand opening. The first monk fries the
fish, the second one peels, slices, and fries the potatoes.

"What are you guys doing?" asks the visitor.

"Well," says the monk frying the fish, "I am the friar, and he is the chip
monk."