Classic joke thread...

[Big Frank]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.  Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-DA-bul'

[philw]

How to change a light bulb using an internet forum

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It takes -

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light
bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb"
is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation
of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this
discussion to a lightbulb forum

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and
lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs
and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this forum

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this
group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the whole light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start
it all over again

[Bill Stryker]

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
   

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.   

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into    a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ' 

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.
   

 
Mess with Seniors and lose !!!!!!!!!

[MikeBjerum]

The Silent Fart:

 

 An elderly couple was attending church services .

 

 About halfway through the service, she leaned over and said to her
 Husband, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should
 do?"

 


 He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid

 

 

[PegLeg45]

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind, and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best to her.

Son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her.

Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included, thinking this would surely win her approval.

Son #3 had to do something even better, so he bought her a parrot that he had been training for 15 years to memorize the
entire Bible.  You could ask the parrot any verse in the Bible, and he could quote it word for word.  What a gift that would be.

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous, but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's too large to clean and take care of.  I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."

Then she confronted her second son with, "Son, the car is beautiful.  It has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and really don't like the chauffeur, so please return the car."

Next, she went to Son #3 and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for your most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious."

 

[Sponsor]

[philw]

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

 'You can go and play with the other kids you know.'she says.

'It's best I stay here.'he says. '

'Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: 'Because, I'm the f....k goalie'
 

[philw]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be f****d if he needed glasses'.

[MikeBjerum]

Cold Weather behavior:
 
60 above zero:  Floridians turn on the heat. Minnesotans plant gardens.

50 above zero:  Californians shiver uncontrollably. People are sunbathing in Duluth.

40 above zero: Import cars won't start. Minnesotans drive with the sunroof open.

32 above zero:  Distilled water freezes. The water in Bemidji gets thicker.

20 above zero:  New Mexicans don long johns, parkas and wool hats & mittens. Minnesotans throw on a flannel shirt.

15 above zero:  New York landlords finally turn on the heat. People in Minnesota have one last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero:  People in Miami all die. Minnesotans close the windows.

10 below zero: Californians fly away to Mexico. Minnesotans dig their winter coats out of storage.

25 below zero:  Hollywood disintegrates. Girl Scouts in Minnesota still selling cookies door to door.

40 below zero: Washington, D.C. finally runs out of hot air. People in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors.

100 below zero:  Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because the Mini-Van won't start.

460 below zero: ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale). People in Minnesota can be heard to say,
"Cold 'nuff fer ya?"

500 below zero:  Hell freezes over. Minnesota public schools open 2 hours late.
 

[tombogan03884]

Not really funny, it was -14 this morning when I went out to get the paper.

[PegLeg45]

Yes, I'd like to thank you for sending your cool breeze down south.
Going to be in single digits temps here in the morning with the wind chill factor.

Now I have to go out and actually wrap up my 3 exposed water spigots.