Classic joke thread...

[Teresa Heilevang]

......AND HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!


 
 
 
"....of the 1.4 million that attended Obama's inauguration, only 14 missed work."

[tt11758]

......AND HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!


 
 
 
"....of the 1.4 million that attended Obama's inauguration, only 14 missed work."

Happy POETS Day, M'ette!!  (Stands for "Punch Out Early, Tomorrow's Saturday)   

[TAB]

......AND HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!


 
 
 
"....of the 1.4 million that attended Obama's inauguration, only 14 missed work."

but don't worry about those 14, they work for the goverment and took a "sick day".

[philw]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!' My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

[tombogan03884]

The Man Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's really good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports
It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No
are perfectly acceptable answers
to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago
is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments
become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat,
you probably are.
Don 't ask us.

1. If something we said
can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry,
we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us
to do something Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know
best how to do it,
just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible,
Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus
did NOT need directions
and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors,
like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit,
not A color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauv e is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong
and you say "nothing,"
We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying,
but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question
you don't want an answer to,
Expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
is fine... Really .

1. Don 't ask us
what we're thinking about
unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics
as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.
Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know
men really don't mind that?
It's like camping.

[Sponsor]

[philw]

 I know the picture below is a bit small, but see if you can do the test anyway.

Can you spot the 44th president of the United States of America in the chart below? .
.
.
.
.
.
.

[Majer]

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

[m25operator]

Now that's funny right'tere

[ericire12]

Obama, McCain and All Hillary Die And Go To Heaven

John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama all die and go to heaven. God looks down from his throne and asks McCain, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?”

McCain takes a breath and then replies, “Well, I think so because I was a great leader and tried to follow the words in your great book.” God looks down and then says, “You can sit to my left side.”

So, McCain takes his seat and then God asks the same question to Hillary, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?” Hillary thinks for a second and then replies, “I think so because I have been fighting for the rights of so many people for so long.” God again looks down and this time says, “You can sit to my right side.”

Finally God turns to Barack Obama and asks, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?”

Obama smiled and replied, “I think you’re in my seat.”

[PegLeg45]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
 
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?"

The woman shakes her head, "no.."

Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue, and again shakes her head, "no."

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly licks her right butt cheek.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd always heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't never seed nobody do it afore!".