The definitive answer to your question is likely in the book "Stopping Power" written by Evan Marshall and Edwin Sanow. I have always been a "heavy and slow" guy but they build a very convincing case for light and fast. You need a certain level of speed and energy (not mass) for the HP bullet to perform, basically to reach the bullet's performance threshold. You want the bullet to shed its energy early in the penetration in order to incapacitate quickly by destroying internals. It is not about bleed holes. It is not about lethality either, it is all about incapacity. You want one shot incapacity and you want it quickly. If you think bleeding out is the answer, while he is bleeding out, he will shoot you ten times.
If it was about heavy and slow, the 230 gr 45 ACP would out perform the 69 gr 223 but it doesn't. Think speed and energy, not mass. Reportedly, Jim Cirillo, gunfighter extraordinaire, developed a line of SD ammo from his street experience that has a 45 ACP load with a bullet weight of 90 grains, e.g., traveling at over 2000 fps with muzzle energy of more than 825 ft-lbs. Penetration 9 inches. The bullet shape looks like 230 gr ball. Recoil is similar to standard 45 loads, I am told by one who shoots and carries the load. Compare those performance numbers to your current 45 SD load. I have been carrying 200 gr Black Talon loads.
I also thought you wanted max bullet weight retention but now not so sure. You want the bullet to frag and penetrate only in 8 to 12 inches, not the 12 inch minimum FBI penetration standard. Hell, I am only 12 inches deep at the chest. FBI shooting and civilian self defense shooting are different because of their need to shoot into car metal, class, etc where SD requirements are much less stringent, usually close, frontal and softer targets. If the bullet fragments, there is much greater potential for internal damage, like arteries being severed and organ damage. You want all the energy expended in the target. The Border Patrol standard is reported to be much more realistic and relevant.
This is an awesome, detailed, substantiated read that is solely about about "one shot kill" street cases and performance, with info about lots of handgun calibers, some rifle and shotgun loads.
If you want to know all about this subject, the theory, testing and street results, don't take my word or your friend's word, read this book. Then make up your own mind, Heavy and Slow or Light and Fast because you will likely know the answer for yourself.
Road Hog