Classic joke thread...

[tt11758]

    The Lone Ranger's Last Request

 
    The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured

    by an enemy Indian War Party.


    The Indian Chief proclaims,


    "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ....

 

    "In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days.

    Before I kill you, I grant you three requests.
    What is your FIRST request ”

    The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

 
    The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in

    Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.

    Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

    As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent

    and spends the night.


    The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed.
    "You have a very fine and loyal horse",
    "But I will still kill you in two days."

    "What is your SECOND request "

    The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him,

    and he again whispers in the horse's ear.


    As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

    Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a
    voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.


    She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

    The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

    "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow."

    "What is your LAST request "

    The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse.... alone."

    The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought

    to the Lone Ranger's tent


    Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,

    Looks him square in the eye and says,

    “Listen Very Carefully!!!!

    FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...

    I SAID ....

    BRING POSSE

[tt11758]

Bin Laden Given Religious Funeral Prior to Sea Burial.

Published May 02, 2011

Osama bin Laden was given a religious funeral prior to his burial at sea, senior
military officials told Fox News.

Religious rites were conducted on the deck of the USS Carl Vinson aircraft
carrier at about 1:10 a.m. Monday in the Persian Gulf .

In accordance with Islamic practice, bin Laden's body was washed and wrapped in a
white sheet before buried at sea at 2 a.m. local time, senior U.S. military
and intelligence officials said.

Then, "In accordance with common US Navy SEAL practice, the Team pissed on him, stuck a pulled pork sandwich in his mouth and a kosher hot dog up his ass, and pushed the worthless bastard overboard with the other garbage," a senior SEAL officer said.

[Majer]

[Big Frank]

[philw]

The kids have all their little SMS codes...like BFF, WTF, LOL etc.

So here are some codes for the seniors:

ATD - At the Doctor's

BFF - Best Friends Funeral

BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

CBM - Covered by Medicare

CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

DWI - Driving While Incontinent

FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

FYI - Found Your Insulin

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

TTYL - Talk to You Louder

WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again

WTP - Where's the Prunes

WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kickin in!

[Sponsor]

[m25operator]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---

CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY


A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at
her. She
immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved
again.. The man seemed
more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.


The case came up in court.


The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.


The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when
the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her
condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The
Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to
smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

[tt11758]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr.. Jones, at your cervix."

**************************
 

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

**************************
 

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************
 

At a Proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit, please back in."

**************************
 

 At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."

**************************
 

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

**************************
 

On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

**************************
 

On a Church's Billboard:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

**************************
 

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************
 

At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

**************************
 

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************
 

In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

**************************
 

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

**************************
 

On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

**************************
 

On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************
 

  At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet -
 miss a car payment."

**************************
 

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************
 

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************
 

At the Electric Company

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

**************************
 

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry;
 come on in and get fed up."

**************************
 

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************
 

At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank heaven for little grills."

**************************
 

And don't forget the sign at a

CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

**************************
 

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

[philw]

[FSBARAK]

Funny 'cause it's true in so many ways.


http://youtu.be/9pn3zxwTUWA with lyrics


http://youtu.be/cuZBpkjZAbY with different video

Apparently I'm not puter literate enuf to figure out how to post the video, but the link should be good.

[Majer]

             An old guy ... ok, a guy my age and not in the best of shape....
            was working out in the gym when he spotted a sexy and beautiful young woman.

 

          He asked the nearby trainer, "What machine should I use in here to impress that cute young thing over there?"

          The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I'd try the ATM in the lobby."