Classic joke thread...

[tt11758]

Jokes  on the ABI NORMAL A$$HOLE$    U S

Dr. Fankenstein:  "Whose brain DID you use?"
Igor:  "Abby.......something."
Dr. Frankenstein:  "Abby Something?!?"
Igor:  "Yes Master, Abby..........Normal."


I LOVE that movie!!! 

[Timothy]

Dr. Fankenstein:  "Whose brain DID you use?"
Igor:  "Abby.......something."
Dr. Frankenstein:  "Abby Something?!?"
Igor:  "Yes Master, Abby..........Normal."


I LOVE that movie!!!  

"Hump?  What hump?".....

[tombogan03884]

I prefer Robert Burns my self
My hearts in the Highlands
My heart is not here
Cuz Dr. Frankenstien took it
To use as an ear.


            These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

            __________________________________________________

            Q: Does it ever get windy in   Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (   UK ).

            A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

            __________________________________________________

            Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
            A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

            __________________________________________________

            Q: I want to walk from   Perth to   Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
            A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

            __________________________________________________

            Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in   Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane ,   Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )
            A: What did your last slave die of?

            __________________________________________________

            Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in   Australia ? ( USA )
            A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of   Europe .
            Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
            ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

            __________________________________________________

            Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

            A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

            _________________________________________________

            Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
            A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...

            __________________________________________________

            Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (   USA )

            A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is 
            oh forget it. Sure, the   Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

            __________________________________________________

            Q: Can I wear high heels in   Australia ? ( UK )
            A: You are a British politician, right?

            ____________________________ ______________________

            Q: Are there supermarkets in   Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
            A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
            Milk is illegal.

            __________________________________________________

            Q: Please send a list of all doctors in   Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
            A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
            All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

            __________________________________________________

            Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

            A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
            You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

            __________________________________________________

            Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in   Australia ? ( USA )
            A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

            __________________________________________________

            Q: Can you tell me the regions in   Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male popula tion? (   Italy )

            A: Yes, gay night clubs.

            __________________________________________________

            Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in   Australia ? ( France )

            A: Only at Christmas.


            __________________________________________________

            Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

            A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

 

[deepwater]

The Queen and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

  The Madame Speaker and The Queen, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, Madame Speaker says to the Queen, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every democrat in the crowd go wild?"

  She doubts it, so she shows her. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd.. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

  The Queen, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what she could do..

  "That was impressive, the Queen says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice." < br>   The speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Queen slapped her.

[PegLeg45]

A slow day in Texas - Obamanomics Explained

 
 
It is a slow day in the East Texas town of Madisonville.

It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted.
Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich tourist from the East is driving through town.
He enters the only hotel in the sleepy town and lays a hundred dollar bill on the desk stating he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
As soon as the man walks up the stairs, the hotel proprietor takes the hundred dollar bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to pay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer then takes the $100 and heads off to pay his debt to the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has lately had to offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel and pays off her debt with the $100 to the hotel proprietor, paying for the rooms that she had rented when she brought clients to that establishment.
The hotel proprietor then lays the $100 bill back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler from the East walks back down the stairs, after inspecting the rooms.
He picks up the $100 bill and states that the rooms are not satisfactory...... pockets the money and walks out the door and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However the whole town is now out of debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism and hope.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.



If that doesn't scare the hell out of you, then I don't know what will.

[Sponsor]

[PegLeg45]

Barack Hussein Obama was looking for a call girl.
He found three such girls in a local pub, a blond, a brunette and a redhead.
To the blond he said, 'I am the President of the United States. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, '$200.'
To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was $100.
He then asked the redhead.
Her reply was, 'Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of gas, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you have retirees, then it isn't going to cost you a damn cent!'.

[PegLeg45]

An interesting analysis... 

The math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as follows:
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.   
Assuming he got sex every night during their 5 year relationship, it ended up costing him $26,849 per time. 

On the other hand, New York Governor Elliot Spitzer 's hooker, Kristen, an absolute stunner with a body like no other, charges $4,000 an hour. For anything! 

Had Paul McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5 years, he would have paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years.
(a $41.7 million savings).

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, plays all requests, no bitching and complaining or 'honey-do' lists.
Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back when asked.
All at 1/7th the cost, and no legal fees.

Sometimes leasing just makes more sense. 

[PegLeg45]

C-130 vs. F-16

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished
with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled, 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun.'

When you are young & foolish -speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!

[Teresa Heilevang]

The lawn mower experience 



 We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago,
I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and
ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26
miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet
into the ground. The ground rod is the key - the more you have in the
ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big
wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.
I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around
the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand
and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger
is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside
down cow, on fire, on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of
my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower
ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton
rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with
the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower
were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ.
Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in
less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where
time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just
crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in
reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block
Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into
holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down
so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....
but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or
whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting
signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.
At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it,
until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think
'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough
lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI
motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing
in my own backyard, begging God to kill me.
God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids
to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me,
out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and
then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was
on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and
in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was
better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the
number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.
I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence,
I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and
THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over - which also reminds
me to triple check before I mow.

[philw]

The three stages of a man's life


Single



Married



Divorced