Classic joke thread...

[ellis4538]

Hella of a lot braver than me too!  LOL!!!!

Richard

[FSBARAK]

Students in an Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last
question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk, worth 70 points or
none at all. One student , in particular, was hard put to think of seven
advantages.
He wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the
bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...
7.) It comes in cute containers.
He got an A!


Of course, if my wife ever reads the last few I've posted, I'll never see number 7 again.  

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.

[philw]

a Little Aussie humour that will no doubt offend someone 


* I'm living next door to an aboriginal couple at the moment. They have 3 little kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard, so I'm just writing to you while the kettle boils!

* Can you spare just $2? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video - its f....k hilarious.

* I've caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is, "Good morning you ugly twat !" It's not yours is it?

* I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. f..k, did I give her a mouthful !

* Been to the optometrist today - he told me I was colour blind. I'm f....k worried now that some of my mates could be coons. If you are, can you delete my number? Ta

* Husband says to his wife, "Do you fancy playing a rape game?" Wife says, "No". Husband replies, "That's the spirit!"

* There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Tricoxagin.

* I failed my biology exam today. I was asked to name 2 things commonly found in cells. Apparently, aboriginals and Lebanese rapists is not the correct answer.

[Walter45Auto]

deepwater:  you are now my personal hero.... 

What do ya wanna bet he didn't come up with it?

[Solus]

What do ya wanna bet he didn't come up with it?

Maybe he did and that is why he escaped to a life at sea.

[Sponsor]

[FSBARAK]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went
to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no
need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father ... She started to repay me with sexual
favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sunday.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago, and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However,
if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.


'Should I tell her the war is over?''

[MikeBjerum]

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

Man's Prayer (Please note the tone of thankfulness rather than want!)

Thank you God for T*ts, A*s, and Laryngitis  

[Johnny Bravo]

    Finally agreement reached in the middle east!

     



             

            A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they
        came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On
        the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but
        less serious state.
           
            The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to
        both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
           
            The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along
        the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw
        each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled
        to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got
        what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying,
        good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.
           
            So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid,
        mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does
        Nancy Pelosi!"
           
            "And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands,
        when a truck hit us."

[Johnny Bravo]

*I took a Cadillac Escalade  out for a test drive just to drive that
sucker before they become extinct.*



*The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all its
wonderful options.  The seats were of particular interest.  He
explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter
and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

I stated the car must be a Republican car.  Looking a bit angry, he
asked why I thought it was a Republican car. I explained that if it
was a Democrat car,  the seats would blow smoke up your ass
year-round.

I had to walk a long way back to the dealership...*

[FSBARAK]

Here’s my concern for 2010:

3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow… Mad Cow disease.

2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird… Avian flu.

This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig… Swine flu.

Next year is the year of the cock… Anybody else worried?



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We must limit politicians to two terms: …. one in office and one in jail.