Classic joke thread...

[MinotBob]

The Plane's Wrong Turn

During a taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a
wrong turn and came nose-to-nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller
(a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming, "US Air 2771, where are you
going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxi way; you turned right on
'Delta.' Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between
a C and a D, but get it right."

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically, "You've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this
out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect
progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour, and I want you to go exactly
where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air
2771?"

Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went terribly silent until an unknown
male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?" 

[Walter45Auto]

Children Writing About the Ocean...

Some of those are just plain wrong.... All of them however, are hilarious!   

[philw]

I really was peed off when I lost out on winning the pub quiz by one point. The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"









 

Apparently it's Africa !!!!!!!!!!!.

 

 

Yep, I got it wrong as well.

[Johnny Bravo]

 A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
 
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
 
'Breast-fed,' she replied.  'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
 
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
 
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any milk.' 
 
 I know she said, I'm his Grandma,  but I'm glad I came in!

[Teresa Heilevang]

A  guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..

The  next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands  before him a voluptuous, athletic,  19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike  running shoes and a sign around  her neck.

She  introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.  The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can  have me.'

Without  a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he  finally gives up..

The  same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On  the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he  has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He  calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound  program.

The  next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the  most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his  life.. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a  sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can  have me'.

Well,  he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So  for the next four days, the same routine happens with him  gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much  to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He  decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the  7-day/50 pound program.  'Are you sure?' asks the  representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous  program.'

'Absolutely,'  he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in  years.'

The  next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it  he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing  but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that  reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He  lost 63 pounds that week.

[Sponsor]

[Bill Stryker]

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND
THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.


A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'


THE OLDER W OMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD    TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO
THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.


THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!

[tombogan03884]

Adam and Eve are having sex, when they get done Eve goes down to the river to wash.
Adam is hanging out in the Garden waiting for her to come back when God comes along, "Adam", says God,"I've been meaning to have a talk with you and EVE . Where is she any way ?" Adam explains they had been procreating as instructed and went to wash in the river. God says, "Crap ! I'll never get that darn smell out of the fish. "


The Pope and Bill Clinton die on the same day.
Due to a paperwork mix up Clinton goes to haven and the Pope goes to Hell.
His Holiness talks to "his unholiness" and explains there has been a mix up.
The Devil replies that that is pretty obvious and it is a PITA for him as well, so he will have his people and Gods people do lunch and straighten it out.
Soon enough Bill gets dropped and the Pope gets his Raise as they are passing in the middle the Pope say's "I'm  glad they worked this out, I look forward to meeting the Virgin Mary."
Bill replies, " To late."



Farmer walks into the patent office plunks down an apple and says he wants a patent on it, Clerk says, I can't give you a patent on a fruit. Farmers says, Taste it.
WOW !, That tastes like an Orange ! exclaims the Clerk.
Turn it around. the Farmer tells him.
WOW ! That tastes JUST LIKE a plum !
The Clerk thinks for a minute and says Come back in 30 days  that tastes like P--sy and I will find some way to get you a patent.
30 days later the Farmer shows up and sets an Apple on the Clerks desk, he takes a bite and spits it out, UGH, Yuck, That tastes like crap !
Turn it around the Farmer said.

[JC5123]

Old one, but funny. LANGUAGE WARNING!!!

Of course, I always thought a better name for this sport would be DAMMIT!!!  

[rojawe]

Sen. Reid goes to a local GM dealer in Washington , D.C. with the intention of buying a brand new vehicle.  Harry looks around and finds one he likes. After going back and forth with the salesman, Harry settles on a price of $45,000.
 

Harry and the salesman go back to the office to complete the paperwork.  Harry works out a 4-year payment plan and signs on the bottom line.
 

 

The salesman shakes Harry’s hand and says, “Thanks Senator Reid, the car will be ready for pickup in 4 years.”   


Harry says, “What are you talking about?  Where are the keys to my new car?”
 

 

The saleman replies,"No, you don't understand Senator.  You make payments for 4 years.  THEN we give you the car.   You know,  just like your health plan." 
 

Harry, with a choking voice, says to the salesman, "But that's not fair". 
 

The saleman says, "NO SHIT!"
 

 
 

[Majer]

Three lady friends always meet for lunch on Thursdays.

One Thursday Anne says, "There's this thing, when I go down on my John, his balls are always cold."

Funny you should say that", says Mary. "my Franks balls are always cold too".

"EEAUUWWWWWWGHHHHHH" says Nancy, "that's disgusting. How can you both do that?"

So her friends tell Nancy that giving oral sex is the best way to keep her man from straying.

The following Thursday Anne and Mary are in the restaurant waiting for their friend to arrive.

In walks Nancy with a huge black eye.

"What happened to you?" Asks her two friends.

"Mike hit me." Came the reply.

"Why?" asked the girls.

"I don't know", says Nancy, "I was giving him head like you told me to, and all I said was, your balls aren't cold like Frank's and John's."