Classic joke thread...

[Solus]

God bless the parents who drugged us.

+100 Haz.  Respect is the key...and it comes from getting drugged a lot.

[ellis4538]

Bill, two things about Engineers...

1.  You can tell an Engineer....but not much!

2.  To become an engineer you sit around with a pocket full of marbles.  Every few minutes you throw away a marble.  Finally, when you have lost all your marbles you are an Engineer!

Worked with them for years.

Richard

[PegLeg45]

Bill, two things about Engineers...

1.  You can tell an Engineer....but not much!

2.  To become an engineer you sit around with a pocket full of marbles.  Every few minutes you throw away a marble.  Finally, when you have lost all your marbles you are an Engineer!

Worked with them for years.

Richard

+1 on that.

I am not an engineer by degree, but I spent many years doing their jobs for them. When a set of blueprints had to be checked over for accuracy and/or changes, the plant manager sent them to me first.

I used to piss off the 'real' engineers by asking 'how to kill an engineer'. Then I'd go on to tell them the best way was to put him in a rowboat in the middle of a pond and only give him one paddle........then let him starve to death.
 

[Bill Stryker]

An oldie but goodie

 

 

 

Obama dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.
He is very excited; all his life he's had a secret
wish and longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barack meets
a man with a beard.
'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.
'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.'
Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than
Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides,
climbs through the clouds coming to a room  where
he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.'
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs
the ladder yet again, he discovers an even larger room
where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?
'No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up.'
Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man! Obama can hardly
contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man
with a beard and repeats his question:
'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps as he is, by now,
totally out of breath from all his climbing.
'No, my son....I am Almighty God. But you look
exhausted.  Would you like a cup of coffee..?'
'Yes! please, my Lord'
God looks behind him, claps his hands and yells
out: 'Hey Mohammed--  two coffees!'
Keep your trust in God;
Your government has failed you miserably

 

[Ichiban]

BMW Germany's campaign for their factory certified "pre-owned" cars.

[Sponsor]

[Hazcat]

Epic and Honest Mobile Home Commercial

[philw]

two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time."
"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."

[philw]

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[Walter45Auto]

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.     

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. 
 One student, however, wrote the following:   

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.   

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:     

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.   

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.   

So which is it?   

 
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.' 

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
 

[fightingquaker13]

An oldie but a goody. I'd have done the same. Sometimes, your students remind you that you are by no means the smartest guy in the room.  My first semester as a prof, I taught a class on revolution, dissent and counter insurgency from a political philosophy POV. The idea was to look at how governments gain, maintain and lose legitimacy.The main grade in the class was a 35 page paper to be handed in at the end. The last session was just review. I was teaching in a small basement room with exposed pipes, a low ceiling and cheap tables arranged in a rectangle making it difficult to get to the board. I asked for student comments on the books we had read so far and what they thought about the balance of coercsion and consent in maintaining state power. This mousy little hippie chick raises her hand and says "Here's what I think, but I need to use the board. Is that ok?". "Sure" says I. She then proceeds to get on top of the tables and duck walk (barefoot of course, because this was Earlham ) and makes her way to the black board, managing to look cute, but ridiculous and about 12 years old while doing so. Bzzt! Wrong answer. Here she lined up the three schools of thought I'd tought, along with two others, with the authors opinions arrangd in a matrix in terms of individual agency, propaganda, weaponry, national cohesion, etc. It took her 5 minutes to lay it out. And this 5 foot nothing, one hundred pounds soaking wet, slip of a 19 year old girl, did a better job of conveying "How to be seriously dangerous to the government if you want to be" than I had in 15 weeks and many, many hours of prep work. Why write 35 pages if you can do it in less than 75 words on a blackboard? Grade? A+, no paper required. I still use that diagram 12 years later as a lecture guide! Sometimes you just get lucky with a student. And if you are ever in power and a little Quaker girl named Elanor gets pissed at you? Be very, very afraid.
FQ13