Classic joke thread...

[tombogan03884]

Can we recruit her ?

[fightingquaker13]

Can we recruit her ?

I think she is a little too Quaker for us. Although, she did have a soft spot for the original IRA, and enjoyed the movie "The Battle of Algiers" more than any proper Quaker should, so maybe.
FQ13

[FillYerHands]

Happy Star Wars Day.

May the 4th Be WIth You!

[Johnny Bravo]

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic.  He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

 

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.  Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his

soulmate and true love.  Every date seemed better than the last.

 

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant.  While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you.  I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.  So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut.  I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV.  In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf.  If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years, I've been a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully.  He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

[Walter45Auto]

Two blondes are walking down the
street.  One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to
pick it up.  She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,

'Hmm,
this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me
see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The
second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

[Sponsor]

[Walter45Auto]

 A Redneck from Texas walked into a bank in New York
 City and asked for the
 loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was
 going to Paris for an
 international redneck festival for two weeks and needed
 to borrow $5,000 and
 that he was not a depositor of the bank.

 The bank officer told him that the bank would need some
 form of security for
 the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new
 Ferrari. The car was
 parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck
 produced the title
 and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to
 hold the car as
 collateral for the loan and apologized for having to
 charge 12% interest.

 Later, the bank's president and its officers all
 enjoyed a good laugh at the
 Redneck from Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as
 collateral for a $5,000
 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari
 into the bank's private
 underground garage and parked it.

 Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the
 $5,000 and the
 interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are
 very happy to have
 had your business, and this transaction has worked out
 very nicely, but we
 are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked
 you out on Dunn &
 Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished
 Alumni from The University
 of Texas , a highly sophisticated investor and
 Multi-Millionaire with real
 estate and financial interests all over the world. Your
 investments include
 a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater ,
 Texas and oil wells
 through out the state. What puzzles us is, why would
 you bother to borrow
 $5,000?

 The good 'ole Texas boy replied, Where else in New York
 City can I park my
 car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be
 there when I return?






Hook 'Em Horns.

[McGyver]

This is a true story, honest to GOD!


I have a cousin that lives in Central Florida, and this is how the conversation went!

Myself and my father showed up at his house. (he did expect us after we called and said we were on our way from Ohio),
He knows that I'm into guns and says I can shoot as much as I want as long as I'm on his property! He has about 6acres and it's all good. He lives next to a 100acre nursery. The owner of the nursery says we can shoot as much as we like, but please don't shoot his "cans"! We both figured he meant the pots that they had sitting there full of everything from palm trees to grapefruit trees. As we were going through about 250rnds of .45, the owner of the nursery showed up with his .38,.357,.40, and .45! He then asked us if we minded if he shot with us, and of course we said "sure, I've got plenty of ammo and we'd love to have ya shoot with us."

We were doing some drills and after about 100rnds, the nursery owner says: "you didn't shoot at any of my 'cans', did you? My cousin and I both said no, we've just been shooting at our silouette targets! (pointed opposite direction from the nursery). 

He finished his mag of .40cal and looked us BOTH in the eye, and asked "are you SURE you haven't been shooting at my "cans"?

We both assured him we didn't do it and he proceeded to say: "I don't care about the pots or plants, but if'ns ya shoot at the mexi"cans", the Central ameri'cans', or the puerto ri"cans", I might have to get upset!




TRUTH!

[Walter45Auto]

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were.



The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named
Timex.



Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"



"HellOOOOOOO," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

[FillYerHands]

New research has shed light on an obscure footnote in history.

Mayonnaise is a wonderful emulsion of oil, egg yolks, and seasonings, and has been made in France for centuries.  Most people don’t know that a hundred years ago the best mayonnaise in the world was made in Calais, France, and was bottled and sold throughout Europe.  Due to its limited shelf life, however, sales outside of Europe were pretty much ruled out.

In the early 1800's, when Spain lost control of Mexico to France, the leading families in Mexico were eager to fit in with the new rulers, and tried to adopt French cuisine, but about the only thing that was successfully accepted was mayonnaise.  Soon, people throughout the country fell in love with it, frequently adding their own local spices.

Then, in 1912, came the era of the Fast Luxury Liner, as the Titanic  prepared to make its maiden voyage.  Finally, the commercial mayonnaise prepared in Calais might be brought to Mexico.  A group of people in Mexico City arranged to purchase a shipment of 12,000 bottles and have them sent by a hired freighter from Calais to Plymouth, England, to be loaded aboard the Titanic  for shipment to Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

But as we know, the Titanic  did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg on the night of April 14, 1912, and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

With poor communications in those days, it took three weeks for word of the disaster to reach Mexico City, and the people were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on the anniversary of the arrival of the news, and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

[Hazcat]

*********GROAN!********