Classic joke thread...

[philw]

 
The Immigration Fairy
 


 

A Pleasant Little Tale.

Ahmed Ranjit Oluwalu lands at Brisbane on a jumbo jet from foreign lands and talks his way past the immigration officer with a sorry, contrived tale of woe, misery and persecution.

He's sitting in the hall wondering how he's going to get by when he feels a light tug at the leg of his pyjamas and
looks down to see a tiny man with large ears and a pointy hat.

"Who are you?" says Ahmed.

The little man replies "I'm the immigration fairy".

 

"As the one thousandth sorry case to blag his way into Australia today, I can grant you three wishes."

 

Ahmed can't believe his luck but ponders on his choices for a moment and says "OK",

 

"First of all I'd like to be wealthy beyond anything I could have made back in my homeland."

The fairy claps his hands and says "It is done"

 

Ahmed finds he has a state CentrelinkWelfare book in his hands. Ahmed goes on to say "Thank you kind fairy",

 

"Now I'd like to live for free in a wonderful home grander than anything I could have built out of mud back home"

The fairy claps his hands and says "It is done." 

 

Ahmed finds he's holding the keys to a five bed roomed Housing Commision house in Ipswich.

Ahmed can't believe his luck but thinks his next choice will be the clincher to beat his wildest fantasies.

"Fairy," he says "I want to fit in and be treated like I've lived here all my life".

 

"Make me an Australian."

 

The fairy claps his hands and says "It is done"

 

Ahmed finds he's white skinned, blonde haired and dressed in Billobong shorts and Thongs.

 

But the house keys and his Centrelink benefits book have disappeared.

Dismayed he asks the fairy "What happened to my other wonderful gifts?"

The fairy replies "Well, mate".

 

"If you want to live like a white man in Australia."

 

 

Then you're entitled to

Bugger - All."

 
 

[philw]

MORNING SEX

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the tee-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all ... Right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her tee-shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

[philw]

A big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."
Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a ..308 rifle."
He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag
rifle".
He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time
against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put
your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly
announced,
"Skunk, killed with an axe."

[PegLeg45]

Now that's funny right there, mate.   

[PegLeg45]

A big, burly man walks into a bar in south Louisiana with a 4' alligator under one arm and a stick under the other.

He orders a bottle of whiskey and proceeds to drink half of it in a short series of gulps and then he slams the bottle down on the bar.

He walks over to a table and sets the alligator down on top of it, unzips his pants and puts his 'man-parts' in the alligator's mouth.

He then starts hitting the alligator on top of the head with the stick.

After a few minutes, he removes his privates from the gator's mouth, steps back with his hands on his hips and says, "Any body else in here think they're man enough to do that?"

Then a diminutive little fellow in the back of the bar comes forward with his hand in the air and says, "I will...if you promise not to hit me on the head with that stick."

      

[Sponsor]

[MikeBjerum]

[tombogan03884]

 M58, That is just , wrong.
LMAO 

[PegLeg45]

M58, That is just , wrong.
LMAO 

Yeah, that kinda gave me the creeps........

Of course, one can laugh while having the creeps, can't one?   

[Walter45Auto]

I know a certain someone who threatened to burn down our church when he was 4 years old because the Sunday school teacher got on to him for something. The boy don't behave much better at age 25......

[philw]

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do.'


The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'
Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door..

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught.

When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk,have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease.........and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG.