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Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1367818 times)

philw

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #2940 on: June 11, 2010, 06:41:14 AM »
I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.

They asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

---

Honestly some folk will take offense at anything.

I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was"How are you getting on?"

---

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby "Is this yours?" she asked.

"Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"

---

My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw.

It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.

---

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right.

After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!

---

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"

"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard."

---

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.

I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache!"

---

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems...

"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.

"Yes... Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big

blue hair."
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Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them. The only thing you can’t do is ignore them

crusader rabbit

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #2941 on: June 11, 2010, 08:16:28 AM »
Quote
Honestly some folk will take offense at anything.

I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was"How are you getting on?"

And to add to this shameless line of humor:  What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?  Hop in!

(apologies, Peg)
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“I’ve lived the literal meaning of the ‘land of the free’ and ‘home of the brave.’ It’s not corny for me. I feel it in my heart. I feel it in my chest. Even at a ball game, when someone talks during the anthem or doesn’t take off his hat, it pisses me off. I’m not one to be quiet about it, either.”  Chris Kyle

PegLeg45

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #2942 on: June 11, 2010, 01:30:29 PM »
Quote from: crusader rabbit on June 11, 2010, 08:16:28 AM
And to add to this shameless line of humor:  What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?  Hop in!

(apologies, Peg)

Q: Where's the best place of employment for a one-legged man?

A: IHOP.

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"I expect perdition, I always have. I keep this building at my back, and several guns handy, in case perdition arrives in a form that's susceptible to bullets. I expect it will come in the disease form, though. I'm susceptible to diseases, and you can't shoot a damned disease." ~ Judge Roy Bean, Streets of Laredo

For the Patriots of this country, the Constitution is second only to the Bible for most. For those who love this country, but do not share my personal beliefs, it is their Bible. To them nothing comes before the Constitution of these United States of America. For this we are all labeled potential terrorists. ~ Dean Garrison

"When it comes to the enemy, just because they ain't pullin' a trigger, doesn't mean they ain't totin' ammo for those that are."~PegLeg

Steyr M40A1

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #2943 on: June 11, 2010, 11:20:29 PM »
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at the pool, BOB.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at the museum, ART.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who can ring a door bell, Talented!
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Richard Cook

"Keep your booger hook off the bang switch" -Babj615 Steyrclub.com

"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb deciding what to have for dinner. Liberty is a well-armed lamb." Benjamin Franklin

PegLeg45

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #2944 on: June 12, 2010, 07:44:10 PM »
I just keep swimming in circles.    :-\
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"I expect perdition, I always have. I keep this building at my back, and several guns handy, in case perdition arrives in a form that's susceptible to bullets. I expect it will come in the disease form, though. I'm susceptible to diseases, and you can't shoot a damned disease." ~ Judge Roy Bean, Streets of Laredo

For the Patriots of this country, the Constitution is second only to the Bible for most. For those who love this country, but do not share my personal beliefs, it is their Bible. To them nothing comes before the Constitution of these United States of America. For this we are all labeled potential terrorists. ~ Dean Garrison

"When it comes to the enemy, just because they ain't pullin' a trigger, doesn't mean they ain't totin' ammo for those that are."~PegLeg

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #2945 on: Today at 02:49:06 AM »
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Fatman

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #2945 on: June 12, 2010, 08:01:05 PM »
Quote from: Steyr M40A1 on June 11, 2010, 11:20:29 PM
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at the pool, BOB.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at the museum, ART.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who can ring a door bell, Talented!


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs playing baseball?  First base.
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Anti: I think some of you gentleman would choose to apply a gun shaped remedy to any problem or potential problem that presented itself? Your reverance (sic) for firearms is maintained with an almost religious zeal. The mind boggles! it really does...

Me: Naw, we just apply a gun-shaped remedy to those extreme life threatening situations that call for it. All the less urgent problems we're willing to discuss.

philw

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #2946 on: June 12, 2010, 08:11:54 PM »
Can not blame me I did not start it  ;D ;D



What do you call a one-legged woman? Ilene.
What do you call her one-legged Asian cousin? Irene.
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Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them. The only thing you can’t do is ignore them

Majer

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #2947 on: June 12, 2010, 09:43:10 PM »
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the front porch?

Matt


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?

Russel
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"If violent crime is to be curbed, it is only the intended victim who can do it. The felon does not fear the police, and he fears neither judge nor jury. Therefore what he must be taught to fear is his victim." - Jeff Cooper
Pericles--"Freedom is only for those who have the guts to defend it".

The problem with society today is that not enough of us drink wine from our enemies skulls”.

It takes 43 muscles to frown, 17 to smile, and 3 for proper trigger squeeze.

Gun control is like trying to reduce drunk driving by making it tougher for sober people to own cars!!!
-Sheriff Jim Wilson
"When tyranny becomes law rebellion becomes duty" Thomas Jefferson
Es gibt keine Notwendigkeit zu befürchten, Underdog hier ist.
Great nations rise and fall. The people go from bondage to spiritual truth, to great courage, from courage to liberty, from liberty to abundance, from abundance to selfishness, from selfishness to complacency, from complacency to apathy, from apathy to dependence, from dependence back again to bondage. Where are we now??????

crusader rabbit

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #2948 on: June 12, 2010, 10:06:04 PM »
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hot tub?
Stew.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter. He won't come anyway.

(I'm really sorry for the above.  No real excuses, but I've been off any alcohol for the last couple of weeks :'( while I've been watching my fantastic young grandson ;D, and I think it's affected my mind. ???  I mean, it's weird to dream about swimming in "dirty martinis" isn't it? )
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“I’ve lived the literal meaning of the ‘land of the free’ and ‘home of the brave.’ It’s not corny for me. I feel it in my heart. I feel it in my chest. Even at a ball game, when someone talks during the anthem or doesn’t take off his hat, it pisses me off. I’m not one to be quiet about it, either.”  Chris Kyle

Johnny Bravo

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #2949 on: June 12, 2010, 10:16:03 PM »
Quote from: crusader rabbit on June 12, 2010, 10:06:04 PM
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hot tub?
Stew.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter. He won't come anyway.

(I'm really sorry for the above.  No real excuses, but I've been off any alcohol for the last couple of weeks :'( while I've been watching my fantastic young grandson ;D, and I think it's affected my mind. ???  I mean, it's weird to dream about swimming in "dirty martinis" isn't it? )

No not really ! IMHO ;D
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"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

"An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject."
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