Classic joke thread...

[Majer]

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob.'

Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.

'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster.

'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.

He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....



"BOB, wake up! You shit the bed!"

[sledgemeister]

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
 

He replied, "She called Four Horses".



The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?"
 

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean...




NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!!!!!!!!
 

[ellis4538]

I'm going to steal that one!

Thanks,

Richard

[Steyr M40A1]

NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!!!!!!!!
 

My wife ran me over on her menstrual cycle...... It sounded like NAG NNAG NNAG NNAGGG.... BIIITCH BITCH BITCH

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olKE4JfeKnw   0:28-0:49

[tt11758]

One day the teacher asked Little Johnny to spell the word "straight". 

Johnny said, "s-t-r-a-i-g-h-t.  Straight." 

"Very good," said the teacher, "now can you give me the definition of straight?"

Johnny replied, "Without ice."











Haz'll get that one RIGHT away!!     

[Sponsor]

[TAB]

Thats neat, not strait

[Timothy]

Neat or straight is OK or Bourbon aged a minimum of two years is considered "Straight Whiskey"....

Either way, Johnny was a bright boy!

 

[Bill Stryker]

An Old Sea Story

There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, & afterward told the Chief Boatswain that his men smelled bad. The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The Chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck & announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad & wants you to change your underwear.

" He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, & Brown, you change with Schultz.  Now GET TO IT!"


THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
Someone may come along & promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better. 

[Teresa Heilevang]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.  
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been screwed?'
The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

I know..I'm that 3rd woman......I'm just plain sick.... hahahahahahahahhaha

[Bill Stryker]

    The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.


    Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

    Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

    "Very good," said the teacher.
     
    Little Jenny was next:
     
    "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

    "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
     
    Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
     
    The teacher held her breath ...
     
    Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

    "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling"
     
    "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
     
    "Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher,
     
    "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
     
    "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
     
    They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"
     
    Then I would say,"It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
     
    "I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty that they say is good and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."
     
    The teacher was speechless...