Classic joke thread...

[tombogan03884]

I was bitter about my last divorce and the tens of thousands it cost me.......until I realized that it was worth DOUBLE that to be rid of her! 

Agreed, but on top of that, I divided what it has cost me by how many times we had sex.
Math says I got a pretty good deal 

[Big Frank]

I would've been better off with high-priced call girls. 

[TAB]

I would've been better off with high-priced call girls. 

i've heard it said many, many times... you don't pay them for sex, you pay them to go.


having never hired one I would not know, but you always have to pay for sex...might not be money, but trust me you pay.

[sledgemeister]

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH
 

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

 
She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'


 


The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
 

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
 

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
 

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
 

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
 

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
 

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

 

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

 

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
 

'Why?' asks the father?
 

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
 

'But that's right!' says his dad.
 

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
 

'What's the f....k difference?' asks the father.
 

'That's what I said!'



LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

 

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
 

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
 

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
 

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'


 

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

 

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'
 

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
 

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'


 

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

 

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
 

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
 

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
 

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
 

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
 

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f....k beautiful!''

[Teresa Heilevang]

[Sponsor]

[Pathfinder]

On behalf of guys everywhere - - - EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!





Too damn funny, though.   

[crusader rabbit]

3 Old Golfers

Three golfers are walking down the fairway.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel
like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't
have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit
on the toilet all day and nothing happens."

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6.00. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" asked the 70-year-old.

"No, I have one every morning at 6.30."

Puzzled, the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every
morning at 6.00 and poop every morning at 6.30. So what's so tough
about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until seven!!!!."

[Solus]

I have heard that the Obama Administration is working to have the major fault causing the quakes hitting Japan renamed.

They are proposing it be renamed to Bush's Fault

[tt11758]

Ruger is coming out with a new handgun in honor of President Obama.  It's called the Government Employee Special.  It won't work and you can't fire it.   

[Ichiban]

Okay, this one has been around for a while.


You may have heard on the news about a southern California man that was
put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found that he owned
100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 1 million rounds of
ammunition stored in his home.The house also featured a secret escape
tunnel.

My favorite quote from the dimwit television reporter: "Wow! He has ....
about a million machine gun bullets." The headline referred to it as a
"massive weapons cache."

I am dubious about the pile of ammunition
boxes and cans that they showed. It looked big enough to contain no more
than about 100,000 rounds, unless there was a lot of .22 rimfire ammo.
However, by southern California standards, even someone owning 100,000
rounds would be called "mentally unstable."

Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:
In Arizona , . . . he'd be called "an avid gun collector."
In Texas , . .. . he'd be called "a novice gun collector."
In Utah , . .. .he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd
probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding
quantity of stored food.
In Montana , . .. .he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."
In Idaho , . . . he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."
In Washington ……he'd be a "retired Policeman."
And, in Wyoming , . . . he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."