Classic joke thread...

[Walter45Auto]

A teacher in Elmira , New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little
Johnny.

The teacher asked Little  Johnny why he had decided to be different...again.

Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'

Johnny said,  'Because I'm a Republican.'

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me an Obama fan.'

THAT HAS GOT TO BE THE BEST OBAMA JOKE AROUND!!! The first Obama joke that mad me laugh instead of puke.

[m25operator]

Little Johnny jokes, gotta love them.

Little Johnny is in High school history class and his teacher asks him, " Who wrote the Declaration of  Independence? " Johnny, " I don't know and I don't give a damn!"  Well the teacher says, we'll see about that, lets go to the principles office!!

At the principles office, the teacher tells the principle what occurred, and then he asks Johnny, " Who wrote the Declaration of independence? " Johnny without blinking says " I don't know and I don't give a damn! " The principle says well, alright, lets just call your father then! I'm sure he'll like to be disturbed in his busy day and come down here!! The principle calls Johnnies father and he agrees to come to school and straighten this situation out.

On arrival, the principle tells Johnnies father what is going on, and says " watch this " Johnny, who wrote the Declaration of independence? " Johnny swells up and says " I don't Know, and I don't give a damn!!!"




Johnnies father stands up and stares at his son redfaced and says " Dammit Johnny, if you wrote the son of a bitch, tell them "
 

[jaybet]

This Department of Water Resources Representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.

 The old rancher says, Okay, but don't go in that field over there.

 The Water Representative says, Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand??

 The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

 Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the Water Rep running for his  life and close behind is the rancher's huge Brahman bull. The bull is gaining with every step.

 The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

YOUR CARD, SHOW HIM YOUR CARD!

[PegLeg45]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.' 

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little  boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we have to leave. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us."

 

[ellis4538]

An elderly couple, Linda and Bob, moved to the country. Bob always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Linda looked him over. "Nope.' Frustrated, Bob stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Linda, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?!" Linda looked up and exclaimed, "Bob, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!" Furious, Bob yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, Linda?" "Nope," she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!" Without changing her expression, Linda replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bob. Shoulda bought a hat."

[Sponsor]

[Ocin]

What happens to a politician when he swallows a viagra?

He will grow...

[MikeBjerum]

It was a hot day in Minnesota . Helga hung out the wash
to dry, put a roast in the oven, and then went
downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.


'Gootness, it's hotter Dan hell today,' she mused to
herself as she walked down Main Street . She passed a
tavern and thought , 'Vy nodt?'

She walked in and took a seat at the
bar.The bartender walked up and asked her what she
would like to drink.

'Ya know,' Helga said, 'it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer'.

'Anheuser Busch?' the bartender asked.


Helga blushed and replied, 'Vell fine, tanks, und
how's yur viener?'

[ellis4538]

Not exactly a joke but I love it anyway!


You are driving down the road in your Corvette on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the
bus: 



1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 



2. An old friend who once saved your life. 



3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about. 



Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could
only be one passenger in your Corvette? Think before you continue
reading.   



This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of
a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going
to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old
friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect
chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your
perfe ct mate again.   



YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS....... The candidate who was hired (out of 200
applicants) had no trouble coming up with20his answer. He simply
answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take
the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with
the partner of my dreams.'  Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to
give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think
Outside of the Box.'   



HOWEVER.......  The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put
her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of
the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.   



God, I just love happy endings!

[PegLeg45]

Deep in the back woods of Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think theres another one coming.'

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.

The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,..'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'

[MikeBjerum]

A Cowboy was sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized
 an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the
 reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

 The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a
 drink and told him the story of his great ambition to be a gun
 fighter.

 'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

 The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing,
 you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower
 down on your leg.'

 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

 'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

 The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his
 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

 'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

 'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the
 hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw'

 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

 'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

 The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his
 gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player

 'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm
 learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

 The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See
 that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

 The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease
 on the barrel of his gun.

 'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle
 and all.'

 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

 'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing
 the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt
 as much.