Classic joke thread...

[tombogan03884]

Ahhh I apologize beforehand about this not being a very ladylike joke to tell ... but as usual... what can I say? I am just ..wellll.. you know how I am.  I just hopeless..  


A woman went to her doctor for advice.She told him that
her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure
that it was such a good idea.
'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.
 'Actually,  yes, I do, she said.'
 'Does it hurt you?' he asked.
'No, she replied.. I rather like it.'
 'Well, then,' the  doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't
practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you  take care not to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'

'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think liberals come from?'

That really does explain a lot. 

[Bill Stryker]

LOL, LMAO,
Marshal'ette,
That was a really great one. As Tom says it explains a lot.
It almost seems to be too true.
Still laughing.

[Neon Knight Anubis]

That really does explain a lot. 

"Yes, great source of wisdom this woman is."


Hey where's Frank Oz? I need him to say that in his Yoda voice.

[MikeBjerum]

[Outlaw]

[Sponsor]

[Outlaw]

Possibly the funniest story in a while. This is a bricklayer's accident
report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story.
Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the
cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust
the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my
work, found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later,
were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carr y the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the
building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the
barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied
the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175
lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost
my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say,
I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now
proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken
collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was
able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a
great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight
of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming
up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and
several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the
pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and
let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Bill Fuller

[ellis4538]

Stoled this from a different forum.....

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help because I was tired. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door because she's suppose to be good at this sort of thing and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing. Then she runs home and brings back this contraption that's suppose to be guaranteed to work every time. Still nothing. The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get that damn lid off that jar.'

[Teresa Heilevang]

Hillary and Obama were in a boat going down the river. 
The river was extremely rough. 
The boat capsized.
 Who was saved?
 




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AMERICA

[Bill Stryker]

 After 15 years of marriage a husband and wife came for counseling. When
asked that the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had
been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy,
emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry
list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
 
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to
stand, he embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and
quietly sat down as though in a daze.
 
The therapist turned to the husband and said, This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you make this happen?
 
The husband thought for a moment and replied, Well, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.

[Majer]

This eastern tenderfoot decides to move out west to make his fortune. He finds a small town that has had a gold strike and settles in. After being there for a couple of months he starts to get some "Manly urges" and goes to town, where he finds out there aren't any women. He asks the local storekeep what they do to satisfy their urges and is told , "Well, we go see Ol Fong, the chinaman, The tenderfoot is taken aback by this news and says No thanks, I don't go for that kind of stuff and he returns to his camp. After a couple more months He's back in town to see if any women have arrived and is told No, But there's still Ol Fong the chinaman. The tenderfoot is REALLY in a bad way for relief and asks the store keep "Who would know about this if I went to see Ol Fong?" The storekeeper thinks for a while and replies "Well, There'd be You, Me, Ol Fong of course and 2 other guys", The tenderfoot looks at him and asks, Why 2 other guys? The storekeeper says " Well To hold down Ol Fong , He don't go for that stuff either"