Classic joke thread...

[tombogan03884]

What if your GUIDE says "Look at that rack". and you reach for the BIG bino's     

[PegLeg45]

YMMV....

[PegLeg45]

 

[tt11758]

When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and ev ery other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating."  You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."  Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.
I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

[alfack]

Kodak and Nikon have teamed up to create a new camera with the fastest shutter speed ever.

The shutter speed is so fast, they were actually able to capture a woman with her mouth closed.

[Sponsor]

[ellis4538]

Incident At Cabela's

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.

[Bill Stryker]

Church Organist


There was this small church down in Texas  that had a very big-busted
organist. Her breasts were so huge that they  bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation  considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said  something had to be done about this or they would have to get another  organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and  told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of  her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat  any of the green Persimmons, though, 'because they are so sour they will  make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a  while'.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning  the minister got up in the pulpit and said...

'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond  my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday. 

[PegLeg45]

Statement of the Century comes from actor Billy Connolly:

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

 

[PegLeg45]

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam..I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.

I just bought this hat Yesterday!!!"

[TAB]

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot
down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and
dinner cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her
hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took my hand and
pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to
tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do what ever you want."

So, Here I am!